Cheese 

Seems there is a book out there about cheese.  And it is a very old book.

The University of Leeds has obtained the 'pamflyt' that was writen in 1580.

This desk is trying to confirm that the writings make reference to the Stalder and the Hicks names as integral to the food culture.  As of yet we haven't been able to check out the book.  The Fresno Library does not have an inter-library agreement with Leeds.

​This historical find does fuel the old debate:  Is cheese the 5th food group?

Swim, Swam, Swum?

Russell Geese was probably the most popular and effective teacher in history at Fresno Elementary. (believe that.)

The Russell Geese Foundation For Proper English will hold another seminar on Friday night at the Fresno Civic Auditorium.

"Conjugation, verbage and tense will be the topic and is open to all who desire to speak better english," said Ted Lewis chairman of the Languages Dept at the Foundation.

"If your wife, husband or other is constantly correcting your word choice, then this is probably for you," added Lewis.

There will also be a meeting for all who have to live with those who will not change, and continue to say "had went"  "I seen" or "done gone". This informal meeting will be at the Stumble Inn Bar and Grill  across the street from the Auditorium.

More info can be found at: www.you'nsbedumb.com

Donations Needed!

Headlines in the morning Denver News-Herald says it all:  Sweeney Sits on Sean

Clete Sweeney (who's put on weight) was so incensed on how dirty the Denver Broncos defense played on Sunday afternoon that he confronted Broncos Head Coach Sean Payton.

After a lengthy period of finger pointing, cussing, and chest bumping it is alleged that Clete, who is much larger than Payton, used his old high school wrestling move and took down Payton.

He then proceeded to hold him in a full nelson until the head coach conceded that there might have been some dirty hits on his player's part.  

After that admission, Clete (who is a large man) rolled the dimunitive Payton over and sat on him until the Head Referee arrived, along with numerous security guards...all thirteen.

"He bullrushed me and held me in a full nelson in the air," said an exasperated Payton. "I'd admitted anything at that point."

Brother Pete has set up a Fund-us page on MyFaceSpace.  Help if you can.

Activists Act, Again

Local Impala breeder Mordecai Brown, IV has reported that someone again opened the gate.

"All 42 ewes and both rams have been turned out again," said Mordecai.

"Last time that happened I had a bunch of unwanted pregnancies on my hands," he noted. "Sure makes life hectic when all those calves come due at once!"

Constable Rollie F. Trupe confirmed the crime and said the local group {all three of them} of college age activists that call themselves "threepeace" are probably at fault.

Mordecai, the decendent of the famous baseball manager Mordecai Brown, said he was watching the world series at the time.

Brown's Impalas are know worldwide in the impala racing circle.  He has bred the last 5 champions in the Coshocton Derby. 

Biz News

Local entrepreneur Trixie Trunkelton has announced today that she is opening a very unique business.

Her start-up combo shop is called: Live or Not?  A live bait & sushi sit down or carryout.

Trunkelton has taken possession of the former downtown landmark, City Supply Center.

The right half will be for sushi and the left side will be for bait.  

"Even if you make a mistake and enter the wrong door, just sit down and we'll serve you something,"  giggled Trixie.

Trunkelton says she got the idea from Terry Bradshaw when he was asked about sushi.

"We call that bait where I come from."

Kresge's Will Anchor

Many listeners of the Gary Burbank show on WLW will remember the famous Plummet Mall.

Now Glavin Development of Cincinnati has announced plans for The Mine Mall.

Over 2000 acres have been acquired in Oxford township.  It is the plan for major retailers down to the smallest niche store to open in the side of the mine walls.  Each plate glass storefront will  have a view of the lakes created by the mining of coal in this rural Coshocton County location.

"We are so excited that Kresge's Five and Dime has decided to anchor our project," said Jerry Glavin, CEO.

It is also expected that JJ Newberry, Jupitor, Senter's Military Discount, Brown Derby and The Cork and Cleaver will announce shortly that they are coming.  Howard Johnson's has also committed to build on a neighboring property.

Watch this site for more news on The Mine Mall.

Nature's Torment

It's always alarming when a tv station has to report on the Texas Toe-Biter.

What isn't always news is the growing feral Shih Tzu packs that are roving the hillsides of southern Ohio.

"Yea, it's gotten a bit out of hand," said Stevie McKing of the Governor's Office of Pests, Nuisanaces, and Other Annoyances.

"We have not noted any rabies or extreme madness in these dogs, but the sheer numbers are of concern," McKing said with dismay. 

"We are constantly seeking advice from anyone on just how to solve this vexing bane," he concluded.

A comprehensive report can be found at:www.shitzu-rescue.org

5 Day Brunch Special

Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium in West Bedford is having their yearly brunch special.

The Thanksgiving Day leftovers provide all ingredients needed.  Stuffing waffles, mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy topped with cranberry sauce.

"We do it every year," says Harry Pelvistein, Jr. the Junior Assistant day manager of the counter area. "It's a good way to get rid of leftovers. Lots of folks do it at home, the key is having a good, seasoned waffle iron."

Dirty Sal's brunch is served from 11 to 1 for five days, then the health department frowns on serving week-old gravy.

Reminder:  Tonight's Mitten Knitting Club will be held at Myrtle's house.  She has brown yarn.

Adult Ed.

   The Regional Village Development Corporation has announced that Adult Education classes will be held soon.

   "Next month, the RVDC will fund some classes at the Collaborative Vocational Campus in Orange," said Chairperson Susan D'Anthony.

   The list of classes include:

-Everyday Latin,

-Multi-purpose Basket Weaving,

-Fly Tying,

-Carving Sandstone with a Reason, Intent and Goal,

-Introduction to, and Understanding of, Local Government,

-Excusable but Usable Gibberish, and

-Exotic Wood Salvage.

   "There is no sign-up, just walk in, sit down and learn" said D'Anthony.  Times and dates can be obtained at the front desk of the C.V.C. or on their MyFaceSpace page.

   The RVDC represents the villages of Fresno, Chili, Pearl, Orange, Isleta, Keene, Bakersville, Ragersville, and Baltic. 

Goodwill Sales Reports UP

At the recent meeting of Goodwill Corp. the State of the Company report indicated "all good" said President Kirby St. Ivers.

"I do have to report that the story about a valuable vase really shot our sales through the roof," said St. Ivers.

The vase he was talking about was purchased for $3.99 and sold for over $100K as reported by The Associated Press.

"Now everybody is prospecting," declared Kirby. "the only thing is we are not sure how to price things anymore."

In a related note, there have been numerous calls to local police about aggressive shoppers and parking violations at the Goodwill locations nationwide.

New Store on Main

Local retail expert, Milo Arbuckle, has opened another store.

Gloves, Gloves, Gloves is a glove only outlet in the old Jupiter Discount Store space on the corner of Chestnut and Butternut Streets.

"We have stocked the entire store with nothing but gloves," said Milo.  

"Gloves for the farmer, farmers wife, farmer's hired hands, welders, gardeners, dishwashers, surgeons, thicket pruners, dog owners, burglars, chefs and especially the fish catchers," he noted.

Area fish catchers are especially pleased because they no longer have to order their gloves online.

Fish Catcher gloves are specifically designed to hold on to fish.  The patented anti fish-slime grip helps hold onto the fish while the fish catcher either fillets or throws back.

The Fish Catcher glove comes in all sizes, with styles for him, her or them.

The Jupiter Discount Store moved to the brand new Mine Mall.

Gloves, Gloves, Gloves is Arbuckle's sixth retail outlet on Main Street.  He also owns Shelves, Shelves, Shelves; Socks, Socks, Socks; Hats, Hats, Hats; Sausage, Sausage, Sausage; and Combs, Combs, Combs. 

Milo's only failure was Undies, Undies, Undies.

Arbuckles enterprises are not affiliated in any way with Closets, Closets, Closets.

Allegations Answered

Local egg producer, Pat Tee, is vehemently denying charges that she is purposely breeding chickens to lay smaller eggs.

"I strongly deny those allegations," said Tee angrily.

"I do acknowledge that the shrinkflation movement has caught our industry, what with the ten egg dozen and all.  But, my eggs are the same size and grade as anybody else in the valley," she declared.

"And to prove it, I will make my scale available for inspection and use anytime," she clucked as she walked away flapping her arms in disgust.

The Snow Crabs Are Missing

Word out of Alaska is that billions of snow crabs have gone missing.  So much so that they cancelled their snow crab harvest for the second year in a row.  

In a related note, Chef Milton at The Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic is having an unscheduled CrabFest special this week.

All you can eat crab cakes, crab legs and crab chowder for 4.99.  Kids eat for free and Clete Sweeney (who has put on weight) is banned.

The Crab Souffle dessert is extra.

Walnuts !

It is the Fall season and the innate need to harvest or 'stock up' for the Winter is kicking in. Especially nuts.

The black walnluts have been falling for a couple of weeks now.  A local man has been gathering the "brain food" and says he can deliver if you live a reasonable distance.

He has not raised his prices as they are still 4 for a dollar, or a dozen free.  Let him know. If you don't know him, he has dark stained hands these days....

This Week's Schedule at the Lounge &  Restaurant:

Wed:  Improv for Teens. Gin Rummy tournament for parents.

Thurs:  Ladies Drink Special - 2 for the price of two. Men drink free.

Fri:  Groundhog Steaks in Gravy.

Sat:  Karaoke For Seniors hosted by Robert Goulet.

Sun:  Pebble Beach final round on the big screen.  Putting contest in the sun room.

Pete Sweeney

Mars

November           November          November           November        November        November   try to remember

Breaking News:  Superfan Clete Sweeney suffered a wrenched back during the end of the Bears - Browns game today.

Word is that he was taking a selfie when the Hail Mary pass from Justin Fields was intercepted in the end zone.

The ensuing melee in the dog pound knocked the big boy around a bit before he tumbled down eight to 10 stairs.

"That concrete is pretty hard, I tell ya," said a sore Sweeney.  Brother Pete picked him up and got him back to the van.

Sweeney credits all of the Zoar Shandys he drank for keeping him loose and limber and numb.

Clete has been listed as probable for next week's game in Houston.  

Film at 11.

New Watering Hole

The Baldwin Sisters, Ethyl and Ester, have opened a new themed bar in the old SoHo district of Newcomerstown.

The Dropped Stitch is a quilting themed ristorante and nightclub.

"We'll have 8 big screen televisions  for showing all kinds of events," said Ethyl.

"There's quilting tournaments, both individual and teams as well as league events," she added. "My favorite show is the block cutting." 

The Quilt Channel will be on all the time. It features interviews with today's leading quilters, documentaries on historical quilting pioneers, news of the day on Quiltcenter Nightly, and all can be viewed at The Dropped Stitch on their big screens.

Esther said we toured the U.S. and got ideas from the many successful themed bars.

"Did you know that there are sports bars?! and The Read House is a  roaring 20's bar, the Trailer Park Lounge in NYC was packed everynight, Lala's in Austin was cool, it was a Christmas themed bar," noted Esther.

But the sisters agreed The Heart Attack Grill was the best, but they won't be as controversial.

The Quilt Channel is the sister channel of local cable channel 88 FZNO and is on channel 89.

February         February            February             February                 February             February

Fresno Dogs Don't Bite

Earlier this summer the statistics released by the US Postal Service about dog bites were very favorable for Fresno mail (men,women,people).

The story revealed that California and Texas had the most bites, Fresno reported ZERO!

And that is why delivering mail here is a very coveted job.  We only have the best because cream rises to the top.

Unlike MLB umpires.

"Good Groceries"

There is a famous quote amongst the Ohio golf circles said by a popular amateur player/insurance salesman.

When he approved of the food at the golf club's snack bar, he would compliment the manager with: "You buy good groceries."

Well the recognition of serving good food was just awarded to the Lake Lila Country Club.  

The 19th Hole at "Lila" was awarded with the blue ribbon acknowledging that they had the 'First of the Wurst'.

"Yes our Bratwurst is pretty good," said a humbled Oscar MacDonald, head fry cook. MacDonald received the award recently at the National Country Club Kitchen-Help Association's Awards ceremonies. 

While the golf course is closed for the winter, the 19th Hole is open year round. Every Friday night is 2 for 1 Brats special: two brats, curly fries and a Fresno Shandy for $5 (tax included). The blue plate specials, coupons, senior discounts and family rates do not apply.

S.S.U. Podcast

The story published above about the Strasburg State University's survey of random individuals asking them "What they thought" spurred  a follow up on a graduate student's podcast.

Aloysius  Simmons hosts a weekly podcast.  The latest episode last night was an inverview with Harry S. Showff.  

It was Mr. Showff that revealed he thought cicadas were really alien spies.

When pressed for more details, Showff said he came to that conclusion while watching the stock ticker on Fox Business News.

"That Larry Kudlow was giving mighty powerful hints last month and I just deduced that every thirteen or 17 years, these cicadas have gathered enough intel on us that they emerge just to transmit their findings home," said Showff. "That noise they make is their transmitters."

The interview lasted over an hour and Showff had many theories on our world. Simmons plans to follow up with more detailed podcasts in the future.

Families Sought

The Villagesin Central Florida has started a concerted effort to recruit more residents with children.

"We've noticed over the years that our properties are inhabited by couples without children," said spokesperson Louise Rawls.

So with that in mind, The Villages has implemented an advertising campaign similar to Las Vegas that portrays them as "family friendly".

"We're hoping to attract families that have children because we are missing out on crying children in church, football in the neighbor's yard,  teenagers garage band rehersals and college dropouts tuning up their '68 Camaro at 11pm," noted Rawls.

Rawls and her committee, Everyone's Welcome, is also investigating on how The Villages can become a 'sanctuary city'.

Louise said she welcomes comments on her MyFaceSpace.  For those wanting to remain anonymous go to #getoffmylawn.

New in box microwave

Litters Ready

Local Hound breeder Robbie Halomar is letting everyone know that his annual breed of Snipehound puppies are ready for adoption.

Halomar's Hounds always has these litters ready the last of February/early March.  This allows them to get acclimated to their new homes and ready for the August hunt.

"Just as there are hounds to hunt coon (coonhounds), people (bloodhounds) there are also breeds to hunt snipe," Halomar said.

"I have perfected the breeding and training concept," said Robbie.

His employees (kids) will select the 'dope' of the litter.  The 'dope' is the largest, gangliest, clumsiest and goofiest looking.

"This pup is the one that will be perfect for training to take on the family snipe hunts," concluded Halomar.

Halomar's Hounds carries the HARLAN PEPPER seal of approval.

His kennel is open noon to 2pm each day and is located out on Tiverton Road.

T.E.N.S. Brunch Set

The local chapter of the Temporary Empty Nest Syndrome (T.E.N.S.) mothers have scheduled their "back to school" brunch.

Chapter President Monica Mulally says, "It has been months that we have waited for this day."

That 'day' is Monday, the first day of school.

"We know that it is temporary; that around 3 o'clock the nest will start to fill back up. But, we will enjoy the few hours in between," she acknowledged.

The brunch will be held at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.  Mimosas and the entire Dirty Sal's Brunch Cocktail menu will be available. 

All first-timers are encouraged to attend.  The $50 membership fee goes to "thank-you" gift cards for the teachers. 

Topic of the day:  How I Spent My Summer Vacation.

Dancin'

This time of year most, if not all of us, are discussing "The Big Dance"  or the final 4 in college basketball.

But not all are fans of March Madness and are studying why some songs just want to make you dance.

Have you ever noticed that  when the DJ plays 'Brother Louie' the crowd rushes to the dance floor?

Scientific American is reporting that In a series of experiments with more than 60 participants, cognitive neuroscientist Benjamin Morillon and his team from Aix-Marseille University in France uncovered how syncopation relates to the groove experience. 

There is an unverified quote from one of his students intimating that Motown was invented so white nerds can groove too.

For those who are unfamiliar with dancing,   Click here for examples.

Clete Sweeney going for snacks

That's Old!

Archeologists in Turkey say they have discovered the world’s oldest known bread, dating back to 6600 BC.

They found it next to an oven and have determined that it was in fact uncooked fermented bread.

Meanwhile, the world's oldest hot dog is still on the roller at The Newcomerstown Truck Stop.

Emmit Stroup, proprietor, says that the aforementioned tube steak has been there since he started part-time in high school.

"It's kinda become a local joke and tourist attraction," says Stroup while puffing on a cigar.

The french fries with gravy are fresh every day he wanted everyone to know. 

"And we add a can of beans and tomato paste to the chili kettle every night too," he added.

Buffaloe Backers

A local chapter of Buffaloe Backers has been formed to cheer on the Colorado Buffaloe football team.

It seems that Deion 'Primetime' Sanders has quite a fan base here.  A schoolbus has been re-purposed for road trips and will leave the church parking lot Thursday night to make the trip to Boulder. 

The Buffaloes are coming off of an opening day upset of TCU and will face Nebraska next.

Local chapter membership fees are $300.  That will cover transportation, food and beverage on the bus.  

Contact local chapter President Edgar "Big Time" Hanratty on his MyFaceSpace page for more information on membership and corporate sponsorship.

note from Hanratty: if you weigh over 300 pounds (like him) you will need to purchase 2 memberships for 2 seats.

A One-man Act

The long awaited theatre production of Red! hits the boards this weekend at the Shady Bend Little Theatre.

Local thespian Billy Gump has written, produced and will star in the production of Red!The life and times of Red Meyers.

"I have honed the story to keep it under 4 hours," said Gump.

The green room will open at 8 and the lights go down at 9 each evening. There will be a round-table discussion after each performance.

"The man had many friends from Mickey Mantle to Frankie Avalon," said Gump referring to Red.  "That period, as well as his high school sports adventures, will be prominent in the story," concluded the actor.

B.R.B

Brb does not mean 'be right back' .

Around these parts it stands for The Banjax Repair Boys.  

The local musicians that have made a name for themselves east of the Mississippi are taking some time off the road.

"We are spent," says BRB lead singer Marty Baltusrol.   "We've been on the road for a solid year and I, for one, am tired of road food."

The January plans are for the boys to host 'open mic nite' at the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili every Wednesday.  

The church ladies will have a BBQ food stand.

Committee To Meet

The biannual meeting of the Oversight Committee for boards, commissions,  bureaus, cabinets, chambers, panels, task forces, councils and consortiums will be held next weekend.

The Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic will again host the three day summit. The Lotus is the famous 1 1/2 star facility that can provide the proper security and adequate food for this committee.

The O.C.B.C.B.C.C.P.Tf.C&C  was formed in1957 to monitor the many meetings that are held each and every day.  Their purpose is to assure the public that there is no impropriety during said group's existence.

"Some have continued to meet to this day, other groups disbanded as soon as their mission was compleated," said long time Chairman Edwin McMurrow.

"We do not want them meeting just to eat and pad their expense accounts," noted McMurrow.

The meetings convene Friday at 3pm and proceed until the first NFL game on Saturday.  After brunch Sunday morning, the meetings reconvene until kickoff and adjourn at 11:49 pm.   A majority of the 90 members is needed for a quorum each session.

All committee members should have their agenda requests submitted to  the O.C.B.C.B.C.C.P.Tf.C&C sub-committee by Thursday.

Another Book Release

Local pop culture observer, commentator and critic, Bobby Vanillastein, has a new book out.

Factoids of Our Times has just been released in both hardback and  paperback in time for summer reading.

His newest offering will provide insight into the thinking behind reality shows that are so popular today.

"The information I gathered about Dating Naked, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and The Anna Nicole Show  will flabbergast you," said Vanillastein.

His latest offering will also tell the "behind the scenes" battles of Ann Sothern and the writers of My Mother The Car. 

Factoids of Our Times is Vanillastein's third publication.  His first: Change The Dial!  about bad music is still available on Ebay. His second, Snatch-Grease & Free Willy, a critique of  movies, was pulled from bookshelves because of "unintended innuendo". 

Look for his book at checkout counters everywhere 5-hour energy is sold. 

Breaking News:  Upon the revelation of Kirk Herbstreit returning to the Ohio State Football team, Quarterback Devin Brown is taking the high road.

"I think it best for the team, that I prepare to take over at a moments notice," said the young quarterback from Gilbert, Arizona.

"We play a violent game, and who knows what the old man has left in the tank.  In all honesty, I don't think he'll last the whole game," noted Brown, who was supposed to start after Kyle McCord transferred.

"I took under," said Brown referring to Vegas setting the over/under at 7 plays before Herbstreit is injured.

​Eliah Drinkwitz, the Missouri Tigers head coach, told his team to quit giggling.

Repeal, Repeal

An 1809 Blue Law outlawed “sporting, gambling, rioting, quarreling, hunting, horse racing, shooting or common labors” on Sundays.

A century before Prohibition, lawmakers added alcohol sales to prohibited Sunday activities.

And today is the 90th anniversary of  the liquor law repeal.

"We've chosen this date to announce we are attempting to repeal that repeal," said Anti-Saloon League Chairperson Clarise Snively.

"In fact all the Blue Laws should be repealed," she went on. "I call on all who agree to find us on MyFaceSpace and let's stop the party!" 

The Anti-Saloon League has chapters in every county.  

Beware. Your Sunday tailgating is in jeopardy.

Morley's Latest Venture

Local entrepreneur Morley Kravitz has just issued his 50th franchise in Dover, Ohio.

Morley's Rent-A-Suit is now available in 49 of the top markets across the USA, as well as Tuscarawas County.

"It's a pretty simple concept," says Kravitz. "If you are flying somewhere and don't want to pack your own suits, you can rent one from our franchisees. Flying in for an interview with just a carry on is so handy."

He says that his suits are black or blue only, pinstripe or plain.  All you have to do is pack your own neckties.  24 hour notice is highly suggested.

One note though.  "The big and tall boys are not eligible.  We just can't afford that," noted Morley. 

Kravitz is also known for Morley's Rent-A-Pet. "Sometime you just need a good looking Aussie," according to the brochure.

An Historic Field Trip

The Walhounding sixth grade class' annual "spring break field trip" will have extra meaning this year.

WGN is reporting that Blommers Chocolates is closing their manufacturing plant.  That was the destination for this year's field trip.

"I am taken aback with this news," said Chief Coordinating spring break field trip mother, Emaleen DiOrmanster.

The Bloomers Chocolates PR office says that the Walhounding students will be the last to tour the facilities before being decommissioned, (the buildings not the students).

The students were excited to learn that there will be a lot of spoons and bowls to lick.

Card Party News

This month's Monthly Rotating Card Party rotates to Eddie Eckelstein's place.

Eddie says he'll have three tables going.  One table will be men's only euchre.

One table will be mixed doubles hausey, and one table will be for 'leftover partner' spades.

As is the case every month Eddie will serve his homemade wine, but bring your own snacks. ​ Eddie's wife Ernestine is making rhubarb crisp with vanilla ice cream.

Eddie does want everyone to know that the Phermon's have been invited to quit the group after last month's cheating incident.

Deck shufflin' starts at 7pm.

Next Month:  Beatnik Rummy at Emily & Mike's Party Barn.

Annual Year End Sale

JB's Architectural Salvage & Quality Junk Company is having their annual sale.

"We do this every year, that's why we call it an annual sale," said JB from his office in Tyndal.

"I go all over and gather stuff for the sales yard and showroom, we sell what we can during the rehab season, and then have a big blow-out in November and first 2 weeks of December," the owner said.

All Frieze is now half off. Barn siding is 40% off and cast iron bathtubs are twofers.

The church ladies will have a foodstand.

Holiday Words

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released their list for the holidays.

Wilomena Levengood, Club Chairperson, says these words need to be reintroduced to your vocabulary and urges all to make extra effort.

"We have selected this month's words especially keeping Christmas in mind," said Wilomena and they are:

Ramracketting

Overquat

Bubbly-Jock

Foyle

Thanks

Levengood said the club will be wassailing in your neighborhood soon.

Back On The Road

After last night's crowd pleasing performance, Joni Mitchell has decided to tour again.

"I guess I'm going to have to learn Willie's 'On the road again," joked Mitchell.

The storied Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili will be her first stop.

"I have always wanted to play that magnificent building," said Joni, " and now it's gonna happen.  The guys in Little Feat say nice things about the Fresno suburb of Chili too."

Tom Scott and the LA Express have been inked to open and accompany the octogenarian on this summer's tour.  

Tickets are available on the 'Ames' MyFaceSpace.

Sweeney NOT Invited

Despite being club champion eight years running at The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club, Pete Sweeney has not been invited to The Masters.

Invitations went out last week and players worldwide are posting pictures of their invitations. Sweeney confirmed that he did not get one in the mail.

"Our Club President, Leslie Kramer, has petitioned The Augusta National Golf Club every year for my inclusion," said Sweeney, "but they just don't think my golf is good enough."

Augusta Chairman Fred Ridley was unavailable for comment on the record.  Off the record Ridley did say he'd seen Sweeney in Florida playing in crocs and cargo shorts.

Bibby Graduates

Bobby and Libby Bibby are proud to announce that their son, Scooter, has completed his education at Strasburg State University.

Bibby was top of his class in the chimney sweep department garnering the Summa Sweeper Cum Laude designation.

Scooter will be returning to his hometown and can be contacted on his MyFaceSpace page for work.

When contacted about his son's accomplishment, Bobby Bibby said, "it's about time, heck he's 39 years old! I've been retired for three years now.  Hopefully he'll move out."

The younger Bibby will be joining the Chimney Sweepers Alliance and will apprentice out of the Pittsburgh Office. He says he will also clean and refurbish fireplace tools. 

Mother Libby says she'll throw a party as soon as they get her son moved back from Strasburg.

Beer News

"Transparent.  Our beer is not, but we are."  That's how local microbrewery magnate Tommy Youngman opened yesterday's press conference.

Dumb Cluck Brewery Company in Fresno invited the brewery media to their facility yesterday for the purpose of drinking, explaining the tough economic times and 'shrinkflation'.

"Our original Old Style Longneck Wallop will now have an even longer neck cutting the volume by two ounces," said Youngman, "By doing so we will be able to get another bottle of beer for every 5 capped."

In addition, all six-packs will now feature 5 bottles.

"The good news from today though is our seasonal, popular Dumb Cluck Burning Leaf Ale is now available. It really does taste like fall," added Youngman.

"Along with the Fresno Shandy, the Wilson Malt, and the Fowl Stout we are positioned well for the future," slurred the owner.

Youngman is the author of Chicken Lager for the Soul.

An Economic Boon

WECB-FM at Emerson College in Boston is reporting that a vast ocean under the earth's surface has been discovered. The story was submitted by all-star web content writer Sarah Jensen who is based in Austin, Tx.

The scientists estimate is that it triples the amount of water on/in our little planet.

Upon hearing this report, The Office of Vetting, Assessing, and Managing New Economic Opportunities  has confirmed that they are overwhelmed with applications.

"Every cruise line has applied to start offering excursions. Every thrill seeking company registered with us has applied to lead expeditions. And every surf shop and dive bar wants to lease space," said Draymond Greensleeve, Director.

Jensen says she is organising a snorkle weekend for her and close friends.

Good Student

Little pig-tailed Josephine McDonough has been named the Weekly Reader Student Of The Month.

Josephine was singled out by her teacher for helping a classmate pick up all 64 crayons and for telling the class what was wrong in the Highlights backpage pictures.

'Lil Jo' as her parents call her, says she likes syrup, printing and football.

Her turn-offs are her dad trying to braid her hair, flat tires and bogus un-necessary roughness calls.

McConough was presented with the $10 savings bond by her teacher Sylvie Collier, who said " Lil Jo is my favorite, right now."

Veteran Joins News Team

Cable Channel 88 FZNO announced yesterday that the veteran Earl Camembert will start next week. SomeNewsTonight airs Mondays and Thursdays.

Camembert for years partnered with Floyd Robertson over at SCTV, until covid.

"We are so fortunate to have such a straight up newsman join our team. His veteran leadership and willingness to mentor the interns and recent college graduates is invaluable," said FZNO news director Maura Haberger.

SomeNewsTonight is the award winning small market broadcast news program that is credited with covering the deer hunting phenomenon in rural Ohio.

Earl's first editorial will be a message to terrorists.

PrimeTime for Crosley

Local Cable Channel 88 FZNO has announced the creation of a new show for the fashionistas.

Say Yes To The Overall is the latest effort ty Christine Crosley local fashion designer. Each episode of this reality series will start with local farm boys getting advice on whether to choose overalls or coveralls based on body type.  Also how to accessorize based on the day's chores.

"The Bib Overall just isn't for everyone," cautioned Christine.

"I have always looked at the OshKosh as a blank palette," says Crosley. "And by gosh we can have spinoff episodes for little kids overalls too!" 

Episode One will air as soon as editing is compleated. In the meantime FZNO will air re-runs of Guiding Light (the early years) in it's sted. This popular show features intro's and extro's by Christopher Walken, Billie Dee Williams and James Earl Jones who all got their start on the Guiding Light.

When contacted for a comment, a spokesperson for OshKosh in Wisconsin said, and we quote here, "what you talkin about Willis?"

She's At It Again

Alert reader Mervin Schwabble has informed this desk that little Jennifer Stittleman is circulating another petition.

You might recall that earlier this year we had a story about her requesting the removal of the first "r" in the month of February.  

Well now it seems that she is petitioning for us to spell Wednesday the way we say it. 

"We don't 'Wed Nez Day', that is never said," she said.  "We should spell it: Wenzday.

The Association of Radio Broadcasters have signed her petition en masse.

Your Vocabulary

This month's list of words to meld into your vocabulary has been released from The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club.

Wilomena Levengood is the Club's President and she says this month's suggestions come from alert fresnOnion reader Cal Schindler.

"Cal contacted me and said 'it's about time somebody decided to not let these words die a slow unused death', " said Wilomena.

So Schindler's list of words for you to use:

Lothario

Confabulaton

Ascertain

Snowbrowth

Gorgonize 

Drop these words into any conversation when talking baseball and you will raise eyebrows for sure.

Business News

Local auto dealer Shipley & Brewer have announced that they have taken on a new line of motorized vehicle to offer the region.

"Yep we've taken on the Tedeschi Truck," said Sonny Shipley.

His brother-in-law and partner, Marty "Milwaukee" Brewer offered that, " these trucks will get you through Midnight in Harlem."

Financing is not a problem as they can get you a loan Anyhow, anyway.

The Tedeschi Truck is for everyday hauling, transportation to church or a road trip to a concert.

The Tedeschi Truck also comes with an 'feminine' interior package for the Angel from Montgomery.

It should also be noted that Shipley & Brewer AutoMart does not sell Teslas anymore.

"Just no market in these parts," said Sonny.

Shipley & Brewer AutoMart is just a toke over the line next to the interstate, but you have to take CR 93 to get there.  

"Tedeschi Trucks, if you own one you are Bound for Glory," promised Marty.

Regionals

The results of this weekend's regional finals of the National 11th Grade Thurber Readings are out.

In the Northwest region, Henrietta Hornish of Defiance H.S. was declared the winner.  A rare feat because her twin sister Helenetta won last year.  The girls were separated in grade because Henrietta was held back after toe surgery when she was six.

In the Northeast, Trudy Clarke of Canfield H.S. was the best.

The Southwest will be represented by Alma Truckleman of Springfield High.

And the Southeast winner was Paige Meiser who attends Coshocton H.S.

This year is also another first as all winners were female.

The Finals of the 11th Grade Thurber Readings will be contested this weekend at the newly constructed Chili Convention Center. 

All will read from Thurber's Fables For Our Time.

The Nationals this year rotate to the southwest region of the U.S. and will be held in Marfa, Texas on April 13th & 14th.  Yes that's right, Masters Week. Dad's are anxious. 

Education Pays Off

A former student at White Eyes College is headed to the broadcast booth.

Kevin Kisner took a few classes at W.E.C. before heading to the PGA Tour where he has had some moderate success.

Now comes word that his communication skills have provided an opportunity to comment during some upcoming PGA events on NBC.

Kisner is known for his sarcastic wit.  "Yes, I learned all about sarcasm, snark and using a sharp tongue at White Eyes College from Professor Javier Bradley," said Kisner.

"OH, I remember him well," said Professor Bradley.  "He was a good debater and left us almost a complete sarcastic ba...umm, master."

White Eyes College is a small liberal arts institution that specializes in the spoken word, avant garde music, and golf.

Sweeney's Schedule

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney will not be at tonight's first round of the NFL Draft.  

They will instead attend the Empirically Moot performance at The Sand Pebble Inn. And yes, Pete does remember there is a dress code, his cargo shorts and crocs aren't welcome.

Pete did indicate they will be in Detroit for Friday's second round when the Browns have the 54th pick.  Follow them on their MyFaceSpace page.

After their third round pick, #85 the boys will drive to Atlanta for the Indians, oops Guardians, game with Atlanta.

Clete said they will stop in Waldo, going and coming, for a fried bologna sandwich.

"It's a bit out of the way heading to Atlanta, but always worth it," said Clete as he hitched up his pants.

Couple Quits

Local Alabama Crimson Tide alumni and football fans have decided to call it a career.

Meg and Al O'Saurus said no more travel.

"We've recently decided that it is just too much to pack up the Winnebago and get to 'Tide games every week," said Meg upon returning home from the Rose Bowl.

So after 50 years, since they graduated, the O'Saurus' will donate their tickets to a local charity and just watch the games on satellite.

Upon hearing the news, Head Coach Nick Saban also announced his retirement.

"I look forward to being Al's partner in the Wednesday Men's league at The Lake Lila Golf Club," said Saban.

Browns Blow Up Internet

The social media world is overwhelmed with the news coming out of the Cleveland Browns camp.

They have cut their kicker Cade York and signed Phil Dawson!  

The 48 year old says,"I'll miss less than that guy."

Local Browns fan Sephus Elder said: "ya boy, things are trending our way. But I wonder why they didn't consider Don Cockroft?"

Meet The New Prez

Strasburg State University and Technical Institute has introduced their new President.

Winston Dinah was selected by the board of directors as the 41st President in the university's history.  The meet & greet was held Sunday between the NFL playoff games.

Dinah's bio says he enjoys sitting, does not play golf, likes grapes and collects Al Jolson 78 rpm records.

"I look forward to settling in, moving the desk to the other side of the room, and meeting the faculty," said Winston.

"I will not be hiring a new secretary as Ms. Georgina Scarpetti will be following me from USC," noted the new president.

"Scarp has been with me for 12 years now. She can operate the Xerox machine, can send a fax and packs a very nice lunch bucket," said Dinah defensively.

Dinah was selected from 3 other candidates for the job, all of whom retracted their application after visiting the campus.

Previously Dinah was  Assistant Vice President to Campus fraternity chastisement council at USC, was liaison to the Athens chamber of commerce at Ohio U, and student representative on the council to improve the social/party atmosphere at Arizona State.

Dinah is the first President in Strasburg State's history to have a  secretary that makes more than him.

Incident with Injury

An unfortunate set of circumstances resulted in a very scary moment last night at the Tri Village Lanes.

Initial reports indicate that retired maintenance man Hornus Waggnor was enjoying a cheeseburger at the grill when he heard of a breakdown on lane 7.

Even though Hornus has been retired since '09 he thought it might be an easy fix.

The bowling alley has a policy that all maintenance work is to be done between midnight and 10 am.  This was a policy that Waggnor implemented so as to avoid flying pins.

But he climbed in behind lane 7 and was hit in the left shin by the ten pin and on the forehead by the 2 pin.  Little Bobby Hutchens did pick up the spare.

​It took 45 minutes to revive and extricate him.

He drove himself to emergicare where he was treated and released. 

"What a stupido I am," said Hornus upon returning to the bowling alley to finish his cheesburger.

Business News

Glen and Imagene Rosenberg have announced that they are the east coast distributors of an exciting new lawn ornament.

Re-tired  is a new line of lawn ornament that utilizes discarded auto tires.

"We saw them at the  Las Vegas Lawn and Gardenconvention last month," said Glen.

The Rosenbergs have long been known as a source for all types of lawn ornaments.  The pink flamingo, the small windmill, the bird bath and especially 'the big-butted lady in a polka dot dress bending over' are their best sellers.

Now comes the tires that are painted,                     stacked as a planter, contorted into yard art,              and just the single tire with your house number.

The Rosenbergs have scheduled a grand revealing garden party for this coming weekend.  

"We will also sell in bulk to the creative artist that wants to do something just a little artsy," said Imagene using her fingers to air quote "artsy".

You can view all product on their website: www.iwentoagardenparty.com

Too Popular

"Well we never imagined this," said Mac.

He's talking about the booming, overwhelming popularity of his new drink: Mac's MakerBoil.

"What I did was drop a shot of beer into a mason jar of whiskey.  Never thought it would bring in people I've never seen before," Mac stated. "Some are even kinda cool."

So to get business back to a normal, manageable level, Mac's Two-way Bar and Grill will now only offer Mac's MakerBoil on Thursdays, all day.

"I can bring in some extra help from the college sorority to help serve," he concluded.

Mac does want everyone to know that the north door has been fixed, so you can enter from both sides now.

Sweeneys Return

Pete and Clete Sweeney returned from their Ryder Cup experience on Tuesday afternoon.

Pete was in charge of caddy supplies and said he had no issues whatsoever.

Clete (who has put on a little weight) was in charge of snacks at the turn for the players.  He said all players were respectful and Scottie Scheffler even tipped him!  

Clete was caught in the kerfuffle in the parking lot between Rory McIlroy and 'Bones Mackay'.   {video}  That's Clete in the blue shirt and blue hat.

"I was just trying to get Bones a Twix bar and next thing I know there's Rory.  I said Rory have a snickers, you're acting like Marsha," said the portly Sweeney.

The Sweeney boys did attend Patrick Cantlay's wedding on Monday.  This desk is trying to get pictures.  Word is Clete had too much drink and danced with 3 bridesmaids all at once....with the best part being when 'he put his wholeself in and shook it all about.'

Jan 1      Happy New Year      January      Happy New Year     2024 (wow, how'd that happen?)

Vanilla

Mo's Ice Cream Company in Stringtown will now only make vanilla.

"We've had to make the decision that it just isn't worth it to devote all the time and expense of having that many flavors," said Mo.

"I know we'll have to change our 'Many flavors of Mo's'  advertising slogan," the owner said.  "But it'll be vanilla from here on out."

The retail counter, Mo's Parlor, will have all the flavor bottles of fruit and nut toppings you want, but for wholesale and take home it's just vanilla.

Mo's flavor specialist, Marty Arlington, decided to retire upon hearing the news.

On a Mission

Local hiker Arlo Hightower has announced that he is going to hike the equator.

"I am announcing today that I will hike the equator," said Arlo. 

"The Countries that the equator passes through are:
Gabon, Congo, Democratic Republic of Congo
Uganda, Kenya, Somalia, São Tomé and Príncipe, Maldives, Kiribati, Indonesia, Ecuador, Colombia and Brazil," he said thinking we cared.

He did ask that we feed his cats.

Applicants are Disappointing

Sanderson Temporary Employee Services is looking for "appropriate and qualified" Santas for the upcoming holiday season.

"I gotta say that what is applying these days just doesn't cut it," said Snoop Sanderson.  " I mean where does a 145 pound, out of work thirty year old with  scraggly chin hair think he can pass as Santa?"

Sanderson reiterated that they are looking for a rotund, bearded, good natured, sober, retired gentleman with good hygiene and knows what a breath mint is.

Applicants should apply in person, in costume, ready to work that day. Those with chewing tobacco stains or face tattoos need not apply, don't asky why.

Ohio Best-seller to be Read

Just as Naked Came The Manatee involved thirteen writers, an even dozen contributed to a local current best-seller.

The Shady Bend Writers Guild had a dozen anonymous contributors to the novel, If You're There, You Know Where You Are.  The reading and book sale will take place in the community room of The Lounge & Restaurant.

Author #1 says "We took our inspiration from Cheech when he said to Chong: "No matter where you go, there you are."  And Tommie replied: "yea man, what goes around stays there, man."

The novel is written from the male perspective as all twelve writers were men. Each man wrote one chapter.

Suzy Throckmorton, local English teacher and theatre consultant, will read excerpts from the best-selling novel this Sunday as there is no football game on tv.

The Shady Bend Writers Guild has over 400 members.

The church ladies will provide snacks and wine.

Soprano Style

In a brazen heist that could have been an episode on The Sopranos, a delivery truck was hijacked last night.

"What it was was a shipment of sunglasses for the upcoming eclipse," said local constable Rollie F. Trupe.

"So we're on the lookout for a semi parked someplace it shouldn't be," said Trupe.

The Fresno Apothecary wants everyone to know that they'll refund your down payment if the sunglasses aren't recovered.

Tom (april) Foolery

A long running April Fool's joke has again been carried out at Mid-State Fabricators.

The family owned and operated manufacturing plant out on the hi-way has been pranking their newest employee for years. 

This year it was JoJo Gunn.

With the approval of the front office, the unsuspecting Gunn is met at the door with an urgent task of running down a high-speed wobble washer because the Cincinnati Milling Machine  is down.

He's told to check every auto parts, hardware store and junk yard.

When JoJo reports back that there is not one to be found, he was asked if they had a low-speed wobble washer and calibration kit?  Not knowing he should have asked, he completed the circuit again with no luck.

When the young Mr. Gunn returned the second time, he was treated with an April Fools luncheon, and put in charge of selecting next year's target.

It should also be noted that the employees who are sent on the hunt are no longer given a company credit card.  That's because a very smart, green behind the ears, rookie employee pranked the prankers.

The year was 2015.  The first place he went was the local NAPA Store.  His cousin worked the counter there and confirmed his suspicions. So the cousin created a fake invoice for $425,000! 

Needless to say, that young man was moved into sales and is the top salesman for Mid-State Fabricators today.

Thanks for reading The  FresnOnion

Another First

Hondo Appleton is reporting that he has finished raking leaves.  As is usually the case, he is first to do everything.

Hondo is the first to have his sidewalks shoveled after a snowfall, first to call in the temperature to the local radio station, and first to have a ripe tomato.

In school Hondo was first to finish the tests, but last to give his report card to mom.

Hank Enters Portal

Local bird hunter, Clem Grissom, says his top dog has entered the transfer portal.

"Hank didn't take the news that I felt he was too old to handle the duties of being the top bird dog next season," said Grissom.

Hank will be twelve next year and feels he still has many good years of retrieving left in him.

"I guess I'll go with my three year-old, Murray," Grissom admitted.  "But if something happens to him, I only have the rookie Marlene to turn to."

Hank is a Flat-Coated Retriever.

Clem did admit he might have to sign a six year old out of the transfer portal, but "the thing is you just can't be sure of his upbringing."

Winter Board Game Leagues

The Tri-Village Board Gaming Association  has announced this year's schedule.

Mondays will be Cribbage.  The Advanced Cribbage players are 6-9, Intermediate are 6-10pm and beginner cribbage will be 6 to midnight.

Tuesdays are Clue, Monopoly and Chutes & Ladders.

Wednesdays will be for Backgammon, Chess and Checkers.

Thursday evenings are now for mixed doubles Scrabble.

Friday there will be leagues for Candy Land, Risk and Life.

Saturday will be the highly competitive Battleship tournaments.

Gaming Association President, Gavin Dowdner, says there are games for all kinds, don't be shy, and drink responsibly.

More info can be found on theirMyFaceSpacepage or by stopping in his office at The Fresno Civic Center.

The Numbers Are In

Statistics for October have just been released from the local emergency room, and it is definitely a "mast year".

While this has nothing to do with the local Mast family, ABC News reported that the number of nuts falling to the ground make it a mast year.

And with the mass amounts of walnuts, acorns and hickory nuts falling, the injury numbers are way up.

Mariah Kerry, hospital spokeslady, says mild concussions, twisted ankles, bruised tailbones, broken wrists, and such were at record setting levels.

"Yes, record setting levels," she confirmed with a promise of anonymity.

​Local politicans are thinking of implementing a "helmet law" for minors next season.  Opponents are crying 'overreach'.  They say just don't walk under nut trees.  

The Survey Says....

The Theories and Conjectures Department at Strasburg State University has released the findings of a recent survey.

The students polled  shoppers outside of malls, churches, college greek houses and mothers waiting in line to pick up children at grade schools.

They asked one question: So what do you think?

The responses varied from personal confessions, to sports being fixed, to expressions of fatigue.

But the unusual is what got the students' attention:

I think....

"...Cicadas are really alien spies"

"...The dark side of the moon is where Big Foot's wife and children live"

"...The ultra wealthy make it snow where they want to ski"

"...White mice are organizing a revolt on medical labs"

"...Elvis never died and owns 27 Kwik Fills in the pacific northwest"

"...If you play Nice, Nice Very Nice backwards you will hear Van Morrison proclaiming his love for Tuesday Weld"

But the most offered theory is that Taylor Swift is really Anna Maria Alberghetti with some 'procedures' and 'enhancements'.

The student's complete results can be found online at www.surmise.duh

New Food

Newcomerstown Foods, Inc. is the largest food processing plant in east-central Ohio.  

A press conference/food tasting presentation  was held yesterday to introduce their new foods.

We've all heard about, eaten or had doctors recommend turkey bacon, turkey sausage and/or turkey burgers, but Newcomerstown Foods has flipped the script:  PorKey.  

"PorKey is a ham based food that is molded to resemble a turkey," announced Bernice Bilgenbert, VP of Consumer Relations. 

NFI also presented their newest breakfast offering:  The Hi-Dee-Ho's.  "They resemble Cheerios but are pressed from locally sourced soybeans and corn mash from the  ethanol plant," said Bilgenbert.  A bowl was served hot like oatmeal or with milk and sugar. Most gave it a try.

And the final line of new food product introduced yesterday is a snack:  Wattle Chips,think Doritos.

"Again, we found a local source who harvests wattle from birds and mammals, and our kitchen developed a very unique rub that seasons the wattle chip," noted Bernice as she offered sample bags to everyone who said they would try them at home.

Clete Sweeney (who has put on weight) took a skid of sample bags.  Said he was gonna put them out for the OSU v. Michigan game this Saturday.

At the end, Bilgenbert said they are looking for brave food tasters for the next quarter.  

Pete Sweeney 

New Paint Colors

Local paint manufacturer Color My World has announced they will have new colors for 2024.

Company President Willie Sherwin says the one they have worked on perfecting for a decade is the Whiter Shade of Pale. 

"We've been perfecting that for longer than a decade, I'd say at least ten years now, and are happy to finally offer it to the public," said Sherwin.

Also now ready for the distribution to retailers will be:

Purple Haze

Bluer than Blue

Red Red Wine

Mellow Yellow

Band of Gold

Pale Blue Eyes

Local master paint-shaker at East Bedford Hardware,  Garfield Gotchall, says he is looking forward to the new colors.  

"I like to mix new colors with old paint for                                    my side hustle I call 'thrown paint on plywood',"  said Garfield.

Garfield's Gallery, The GGG, is open on Monday's,  his day off from the hardware store, and evenings after supper.

A Petition

Little Jennifer Stittleman has started to circulate a petition to eliminate something in our lives that she feel is "totally, totally, unnecessary."

"I have started a movement to eliminate the first 'r' in February," stated Stittleman.

She feels that most people don't even make the effort to say it correctly, so why is it there?

"I have trouble rolling my r's anyway," noted Jenny.

So if a cute little 4th grade red head knocks on your door with a clipboard, it's her.

The first signature on her petition was a Mr. Elmer Fudd who said that he "...was vewy gwad to suppote the cause..."

Life Is Art

For nearly 52 years rock and roll aficionados would put the vinyl on the turntable, turn up the volume and look at the album art or read the liner notes.

Led Zeppelin IV came out in in 1971 and featured an old man carrying thatch sticks on his back.

By shear coincidence the original was found!  The old man was Lot Long.  He passed from this earth in 1893.  

The photographer was Earnest Farmer and that photo along with Farmer's other work has been exhibited at the  Wiltshire Museum.  Now comes word that exhibit will travel to The Dan March Museum of Fine Art in Fresno and be on loan until June.

Museum curator Declan March says tickets will go on sale in February. 

"The main wing will showcase Farmer's work, but Gallery 2 will offer our visitors a chance to see other unique and historic rock album covers," said March, the grandson of the museum's founder and namesake. 

Tommy Chong will greet and guide you through Gallery 2.

The Quilt Channel 89

Prime Time Lineup:

7:00 pm Block Cutting

7:30 Block Layout

8:00 Aunt Helen's Invitational

9:00 Finding Your Quilting Roots

9:30 The New Faces of Quilting

10:00 Quiltcenter Nightly

11:00 Quilt Talk

Midnight: Shell's Wonderful World of Quilting 

Sweeneys Are Swifties?

   Word is starting to slowly leak about the relationship between Pete Sweeney and Taylor Swift.

   Seems that Clete (who has put on weight) passed a note to Taylor in the airport last week.   The Sweeney boys were returning from the Ryder Cup and Swift was flying back from Kansas City.

   Swift did not attend the KC football game in Buffalo because she was dining with Pete at the Tie-Dyed Lotus in Baltic!

   "He did leave the house wearing his best corduroy jacket," said Clete. "He couldn't button it though."

   Chef Milton confirmed the intimate luncheon he prepared for the couple.

More Stores Commit

We recently broke the news about The Mine Mall being developed in Oxford Township.

The store space that will be developed in the side of the mine walls overlooking the mine lakes are rapidly being claimed.

Gadzooks, Blockbuster, Thom McCann Shoes, Filene's Dept. Store, Tower Records and Circuit City have all committed according to Glavin Developers.

The former location of The Athletic Club in downtown Coshocton is The Mine Mall development headquarters.  

Gerry Glavin is the point man.  See him for questions, ideas, employment or free coffee.

Want Ads

A local group of musicians is in need of a drummer.

The Emulators from Keene High School have been rehearsing for over 4 months now and feature lead guitar, rhythm guitar, bass, keyboards, and a horn section to make Stan Kenton jealous, but their drummer graduated early and is enrolled at Stanford.

The band has 4 lady "groupies" that handle tambourine, cowbell, wood block and back up vocalizing as instructed by Clare Torry, a current Fresno resident. 

The Emulators are all exceptional in the computer sciences and desire the successful applicant be like minded.  He/she/they must also have their own kit. Songwriting is a plus, and if you can sing, you'll probably get the gig because no one else can. 

The Emulators first single, Sexy Software, is on Billboard's Hot 100 at #99 with a bullet. The B-side of their 45 rpm, Programming your Host System, is a staple on FM progressive radio.

Contact the band on MyFaceSpace.

Another Ramble

There will be another pop-up Midnight Ramble at the Millers Dip Grange Hall tonight at 6pm.

Local boys, The Stone Rollers, will serve as house band.  

Doors open at 5:55 and close at 8:45 as the grange hall manager wants to be home in time for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire Reunion Special.  Will Smith might punch someone.

Social Media Trash Talk

As anyone who was driving In I-77 Friday night can attest, we still have winter.

And Fresno Freddie, the prognosticating groundhog, correctly predicted such lingering seasonal disorder.

His almost always wrong counterparts, Buckeye Chuck and Punxatawny Phil, were the targets for Freddie's mean tweets. 

And the meme's were hilarious. 

Fundraiser

The local chapter of the Loyal Order of The Loon  Ladies Auxilary will hold their annual swap meet fundraiser this weekend.

"OH my, but the donations are rolling in," said ButchMarie Nagurski, chair for this year's event.

"Lots of clothes, for the big girl and babies especially," she continued. "And nice kitchen tools too! including a new in box microwave...."

Money raised will buy the men beer.

December                                   December                               December                                     December

'mullien from a rock'

More Info Requested

After a recent story about Kevin Kisner with reference to White Eyes College, we've been deluged with inquiries on the storied institution of higher learning.

White Eyes Collegebegan as little Fresno State University.  Originally a nursing school, the need for a more well rounded "college" was recognized and White Eyes College was formed.

Today students can earn degrees in Speech, Music or Golf. 

The modern day student can learn to read out loud, debate diverse topics, give inspirational speeches, and converse with a tone of condescending sarcasm.

The music today is mostly created on a computer and the students learn that craft, as well as 'free-form' honking on an old baritone saxophone.  Those looking for a career in rhythm are taught to "make it your own beat", while the singers are instructed in vocal control and volume.

For those who want a career in golf, there is instruction in playing championship golf, administering the business of golf, and the art of golf course architecture. (Note:  course maintenance is not offered at W.E.C.)

Information on applications, scholarships, financial aid, student housing, instrument rental and range tokens can be found out at: www.wearenottrumpu.com

Not A Silent Night

"We can not stay silent any longer."

That's what Maureen Deener said last evening as another light bulb was stolen from the extensive holiday decorations at the Deener home.

Maureen and her husband Dal spend their time throughout the year updating and adding to their place that replicates the Griswold house in Christmas Vacation.

The Deener home is at the far end of the Hoopler Cul de Sac, which does create quite a traffic jam for the sightseers. 

"It wouldn't be such a problem, but Dal back in the beginning, used the wrong kind of light strand.  If one bulb is burnt out or missing the rest of the strand doesn't work. And, the entire project operates off of that particular, original strand," said Maureen.

Constable Rollie F. Trupe says he's on the case and hopes to talk to the neighborhood "hoodlums" after presents and breakfast this morning. 

"I don't think it's the kids," said Dal, "I think it is grouchy Delores MacDonald next door.  Don't repeat that, but I'm just sayin' she has whined and complained about everything since her absentee husband moved her in a decade ago." 

​Trupe did acknowledge that Delores is the kind that, "...is not happy 'til you are not happy."

6 More Weeks !!

Fresno Freddie, the original groundhog weather man, saw his shadow this morning.

The international media that invades this quiet little village every year, witnessed the rodent emerging from his hole only to be blinded by the bright morning sunshine.

Freddie turned around, went back to bed, and everybody went home.

That's Just Baloney

Coshocton County's only bologna luncheonette, Just Baloney is hearing rumbles that Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is coming to town.

Ricardo (no one knows his last name) the owner, is thankful for the success and hopes Guy does stop by.

"It has been good steady growth," said the chef of the place that only makes bologna sandwdiches.

"Second best thing I done did, was hire the Sterling Cooper Ad Agency," noted Ricardo.  "That Don Draper is a genius.  He came up with our slogan: That's Just Baloney!  Best thing I did, was let my wife leave with him."

Ricardo says that customers come from as far away as Waldo for his bologna.  

Asked if he knows the reason for the popularity, Ricardo concluded: "not sure.  we fry, we broil, we bake; along with the traditional thin, we feature Lebanon, pickle loaf, trail, we even import Mortadella from Bologna, Italy."

For a slight upcharge, Ricardo will also serve Rittberger's All Beef Bologna.  Fried in a black skillet, on an everything bagel with Pearl Valley Swiss, a slice of red onion and Grey Poupon mustard is what won him the coveted Grease House Gold Medal.

Sweeney Bros. to Baltimore

The Fresnonion has just learned that Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are headed to Baltimore for the Browns game this Sunday.

They will be staying at the Stringer Bell Bed and Breakfast.  

Omar's Steakhouse has booked them for a Q & A on Saturday night.

A full report on Monday.

Chef's Special

The football season has had a negative effect on the fine dining business. 

The award winning Chef Milton at the Tie-dyed LotusResort in Baltic has put together a unique dining experience for this Saturday.

He calls it a "before the BuckeyesBlue Plate Special."

From 3:30 to 7 pm there will be an all you can eat buffet featuring his popular Chitlins Tartare, Chittlins Con Carne, and Chitterlings Augratin. Adult beverages will be 4 bits.

"Yes high school football on Friday nights, college games all day on Saturdays and the NFL Sunday has kept many from eating out," said the Chef, "so we'll try this."

Reservations are highly suggested.  

The Buckeyes v. Notre Dame game kicks off at 7:30.  Chef Milton would like to be home before halftime.

Snow! Finally !!

Bantum Recreation Complex is now open with everything they offer open to the public.

"Yea, we finally got enough snow to open the ski slopes, the toboggan hills and the kiddie sled riding area," said Wilbur "Hoop" Bantum.

So not only is the lodge open for wings, fresh cut fries, 'beverages', hot tubs, ziplines, and Chinese checkers year-round, all outdoor winter fun is now an option.

Bantum says to keep an eye on the temperatures and snowfall for the rest of the winter as he won't advertise, does no social media, won't answer the phone, just relies on word of mouth and our news coverage.

Bantum Recreation Complex is located out on TR 1468 just past the fork in the road near the east branch bridge.

What A Trip!

Pete and Clete Sweeney were in Baltimore this weekend for the exciting Browns game.

Not only did the Browns leave with a victory, but the Sweeney's Q & A Saturday night at Omar's Steakhouse lasted into the wee hours.

Clete (who has put on weight) ordered every red and white meat item on the menu.  He says seafood is out when he's on the road.

Pete, after a couple of drinks, went off on the officiating.  He claims the guys with a whistle have cost him tens of dollars on DraftKings.

Then late Sunday they had a flat tire in Hagerstown.

Pete says there were quite a number of Brown's fans there, one nice lady gave him some aspirin.

Clete says the stadium food was better than most.

Reptilian Response

After North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson recently revealed that  there's a ruling class of secretive reptiles, there has been a strong retort.

"We do not operate in a 'secretive' fashion," says Ken Stabler, chairman of  R.A.D.L. (reptilian anti-defamation league).  "We are as out in the open as the world permits." 

The saurian crowd has gone mostly unnoticed, usually recognized shopping at or working at Wally Mart, or partying with Sgt. Stedenko and ZZ Top.

"I don't know why Mr. Robinson has chosen this time to single us out, and expose us.  We try so hard to have the world assimilate. We really do want to just get along," concluded Stabler.

The complete prepared comments on this matter can be found on:www.sneakysnake.com

​

Career Opportunities

The world's fastest growing school sport is Clay Pigeon Shooting.

"Along with the adult individual sport, the leagues for adults, there is now high school and college participation," said local clay pigeon manufacturer Roberto Bobaire, or 'RobBob' to his friends.

Because of the sport's growth, RBClays, Inc. needs a few extra employees at their Bakersville location.

"What we need is three on the production line, we call them 'raw material specialists', to slap a handfull in the presses," said RobBob.

The company also needs sales process clerks and one extra steady hand in shipping and handling.

RBClays, Inc is the nation's no.2 in the clay and accessories industry.  Their online sales catalogue can be found on the interweb at www.saywhat?.com

Meeting Cancelled

This Sunday's meeting of the Southeast Ohio ConAnon has been cancelled.  

The weekly meeting for those who are convicted felons has been called off for two reasons says Therapist TBone Griffstar.

"We had 5 pickpockets at last week's meeting, and the Super Bowl," TBone said. "We'll have wallet chains for everyone next week," 

He did caution that if you've been convicted or on probation, you can't bet on the game.

Hours Extended

The Holmesville Samsonite Museum has announced that the hours for the holidays are posted.

"We will be open on Fridays now that the traditional holiday tourist season is here," said museum curator Maxine Hammerfer.  

"Our Holiday Luggage Wing has been re-staged.  The Vanderbilt donation of 1930's luggage was awsome," Maxine offered.

So the hours will now be noon to 4pm on Fridays and Saturdays.  

Holmesville Samsonite Mine is also looking for help.  Their miners work three weeks in the deep mine, and off for 2 weeks.  

Skipping the ball on #16

18 Jobs To Be Created

According to a press release yesterday, the former Murphy's Mart warehouse in the Fresno Industrial Park has been leased.

The L'Oreal Burlap Company will be expanding their manufacturing business in the midwest.

"They will be adding good paying jobs," said Industrial Park manager Marvin Gardner.

"They need 4 laborers and will be relocating 14 management to Fresno," he added.

The ripple effect of getting a burlap manufacturer into a region is tremendous as the need for jute, flax, sisal and hemp will help local growers. Seasonal harvesters will also provide part time employment opportunities as well.

Holiday Headbangin'

The yearly Christmas Concert at The Garden Inn out on the right side of the main highway coming into town will again be held on Christmas Eve.

House band, The Dudes of Turpitude, will take the stage at 10 pm.  The 'Dudes' are well known for their head bangin', hard rockin', heavy metal shows compleat with flashing strobe lights and their back-up singers/dancers: The Pyro Gals.

Lead Singer and founder of The Dudes of Turpitude, Alex Bevanov, said they will again cover the greats.

"Yea, we'll feature some Godz, some Slayer, Maiden, Sabbath and such," Bevanov said. "But wait'll ya hear Harley's version of 'Merry Christmas, Baby'. He really channels Bruce, Elvis and Otis." 

G.I. owner, manager and lead bouncer, Big E. Boycecraft (Bigboy to his friends) says he'll be ready.

"We did upgrade the fire suppression system, we will bring in another dozen port-o-lets, and we got a better grade of chicken wire to protect those on stage," said BigBoy.

​The Partridge Family will open. Danny Bonaduce has a work pass.

Obituary

Cyrus Denton "Dent" Fender 1910-2023

passed away on September 16, 2023......

More to come as the family is working to complete the obituary notice.  They were caught off guard by his sudden death.

White Eyes Valley Cricket League Standings

1st:  Fresno Humbletons * 

2nd: Powellville Sledders *

3rd:  The CR 2 Ungersons

4th: Chili Challengers

5th: Pearl Valley Wheyboys

6th: Lafayette Francos

7th: Mowery Holler Louders

8th:  Shady Bend Little Kings

9th:  Isletta Gardners

Working On It

Every employee at the Tyndal Institute of Technology Aeronautics department is putting in overtime these days.

"Since the NASA Ingenuity Helicopter damaged a blade, we've put in overtime on solving that dilemma," said Department Chairman Hanley Eisensmitt.

"We've hijacked the computer guys to create a program where the 'copter learns to fly with that wing missing," he went on.

The Institute is consulting with former Vietnam helicopter pilot Cyril "Smiley" Seacreast.  Seacreast is credited with flying 56 rescue missions, his last with just one wing.  He is describing the "feel" so the computer code writers can convert that to use on Mars.

April            April                 April                     April                    April                       April

No Money

Local fruits and vegetables producer, Jamey Horsfall has just released a notice that he will no longer take money.

"I will be barter only this season," said Horsfall.

"That means if you want some of my apples or beans, then be prepared to trade," declared the old grower.

"I am tired of it.  Nobody understands the value of a dollar anymore," continued Jamey.  "So any kids pulling weeds for me will go home with a bushel of something.  And any adults that want my produce better come with goods and or services to trade."

When asked for clarification, Horsfall snorted: "No cash, coin, cheddar, scratch, moolah, shekels, c-notes, clams, ducats, skrilla, quid or simoleons!"

Horsfall is currently cleaning his site out on old 21 if you are looking for a pleasant chat.

WORD

The Otterbein Vocabulary Restoration Club has released their monthly list of words they think you should start using again:

Reconnoiter

Trudge

Slowcoach

Dawdle

Plod

Wilomena Levengood, Club Advisor, says to get comfortable with these words, and then include them in your daily diatribes aimed at the other awful drivers in your lane on your way to work.

Artist Here

The Fresno Fine Arts Guild is pleased to announce the arrival of their "Artist In Residence" for March.

Giancarlo Stantonslav, the world famous trampoline painter, will settle in this week and begin next.

"Stantonslav might be the finest trampoline painter ever to emerge from the slums of Cuba," said Guild President Becky Mapletwerp.

Trampoline painting is just that.   The artist sets two or three trampolines in front of his hanging canvas.  He then proceeds to jump to the desired height for each stroke.  

His supplies are right by his side: "I have retrofitted three fanny packs to hold paint, brushes and linseed oil," said Giancarlo.

Locals are encouraged to bring a lawn chair or chaise lounge and watch this exceptional artist at work. DO NOT bring a boombox as Mr. Stantonslav will have his own stereo set up (with 2  speakers!).

"I'm currently on a Lou Reed music kick," noted Giancarlo.

The church ladies will have a wine and finger-food stand each day that Stanonslav is creating.  He will post his schedule on the Guild's MyFaceSpace page.

The Bi-Annual Visit

Hargrove's Global Supply Semi will be back in the area next Wednesday.  

Hargrove Snellenburger has been supplying the locals with ointments, liquids and lubricants since 1965.

He says if you need anything out of the usual to text him.  He does have unusual, just not all the time.

"Yep. I have just about everything from bag balm to beeswax, graphite to Gold Bond, mercury and canola.  I got it," said Snellenburger.

He did note that he's trying to 'go green', so bring your own re-usable containers.

Hargrove's Global Supply Semi is a cash only business.  "I hate the credit card companies with their fees and all."

A Porch Pirate

A story out of Georgia has shed a light on a local as well as a regional problem.

That of porch piracy.  But this guy stole a porch (channel 5 story).

While that is unique it does reveal the regional barter system. 

One porch will get you 4 hubcaps, or a case of beer, or shotgun shells, a quarter of a hog.  The list is long

And when you barter no taxes are collected. That is the real problem here.  According to local tax collector Herman Hermosa, "My estimations are we miss out on about 40% of the revenue."

That would smooth a lot of gravel roads.

Word Monthly

The Otterbein College Vocabular Restoration Club  has released this month's words they'd like you to reintroduce into your vocabulary.

Club Advisor Wilomena Levengood says that she is especially giddy about this month's list:

Aposiopesis (n.) 
Fulvous (adj.) 
Roister (int. v.) 
Persiflage (n.) 
Crapulent (adj.)

​"I think this list allowed me to roister just a bit," stated Levengood.

Payback For The Prankers

There is a report that came across our desks that a local couple, Tom and Darlene Stroop, pulled a good one on their sixteen year old daughter.

After she fell asleep, the Stroops moved all the clocks up to their ususal 'get up' time, including daughter Stephanie's clock.  Her alarm went off so she showered and got dressed for school even though it was midnight.  

While Stephanie went downstairs, her parents just went back to bed and waited for their daughter to realize it was April Fool's day.

Instead, Stephanie upon realizing she had just been pranked, made breakfast for her parents and served them in bed.

Bad Words

By now you must have heard about the British Zoo that is trying to deal with the problem of their parrot's foul mouth.

What you probably don't know is that local parrot breeder Blanche Graypale has been providing that service for decades.

"Being a full blooded Hopewell Indian, I can communicate with many of the Psittaciformes," said Graypale. 

Graypale has developed an app that flashes images of a can of chicken noodle soup, a thanksgiving turkey, broasted chicken, or a basket of wings when the bird uses a cuss word.  

As is often the case college kids will get a pet parrot when taking their new girlfriend to the mall pet store.

"The fraternity guys think it great sport to teach the parrot to use vulgar words.  That is when an intervention is required and I am called in," continued Blanche. 

Graypale did note, for the record, that most parrot jokes have some grain of truth. And the one about the 'Priest and the Parrot' is absolutely true. She says the Priest just gave up trying to love the potty-mouthed bird, and gave him to her.  

"That beautiful Rainbow Lorikeet is my one failure," she lamented.

Visitor Numbers Revised

The administrators at White Sands National Park in New Mexico have been forced to change the all time attendence figures.

CNN reported earlier this year that there were people on the White Sands grounds before they started to take attendance.

Park Director Edwin Gonzalez says that this is a game changer as they should get more funding retroactive to 20,000 years ago.

Assemblyman Ging Newtrich says "no." 

#9 at Lake Lila CC

A Local Sighting !

Childhood fears are slowly becoming a reality in East Central Ohio.

What was once a warning to "get home quick and watch out for the Shoebill" is now real.

The first reported sighting of a Shoebill was phoned in by Lucy Morowitz.  Morowitz says her daughter came in from the backyard screaming.  When Mrs. Morowitz investigated, she did in fact, come face to face with the African Shoebill.

"I stand five foot and it was eye to eye with me!" said a mortified Morowitz.  Morowitz' neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said they both made the same shrieking noise running away.

Local game warden Franklin Tank said that he did get a double secret, classified, "eyes only" communique last fall.

"Yep, heard about it, was waitin' for confirmation," Tank said. "Now we have it. Just not sure if it's a one-off or a migration."

"If it's migration, they are coming for our catfish," Tank proferred.

Warden Tank said the hope is that the Shoebill was domesticated and not hungry. 

He suggested that we keep the kids and small pets inside until further notice.

"We are now under a Shoebill Level 2," said Tank, while others noted they don't remember Level 1.

Another Try

The Ohio Bankers Guild has approved the probational application for the  Third Fourth Bank to open in Clark Township.

The first two attempts of the Fourth Bank of Temecula, California were not successful.

The bank's fifth President and Board Chairperson, BeBe Notwirth, says those that came before her just "...didn't have a lick of monetary sense. You can't have those laid back California types making loans to every hipster that wants to open a micro-brewery!"  

The ribbon cutting ceremony, followed by a meet and great with light snacks, will be Friday at 9am.

Bankers Guild Chief Administrator Robert Barklow says they've known BeBe since her days running the Frasiers Bar and Grill franchises.  "Those places were always friendly and seem like everyone knew our names," Barklow offered.

"Plus she will have a better dress code for the employees.  I mean who comes to work in Birkenstock slippers.....?"

Sure You Can

Who says you can't buy a thrill?  

"Why you surely can purchase an exhilirating, heart-pounding, bit of excitement," says Thrills-R-Us creator Kid Charlemagne.

What started out as a side hobby in Brooklyn has turned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise.

"What we do is conduct a deep dive into the 'victim' or recipient of our service. We then tailor the experience for that person," said Kid.  

They are usually gifts from lovers, spouses, gauchos, moms and dads that can last up to one week.

The menu of offerings from Thrills-R-Us range from skydiving to space travel to underwater adventures to mind bending nights of pretzel logic.  

"If their profile reveals it, we'll adapt for it, and give that person some time out of mind," says Rikki Numbers, the accountant that pays for the resources.

From their 5-star Google reviews: 

"Any major dude will tell you to do this" *****

"I will do it again" *****

"It turned my heartbeat over again" *****

"It was like going back to my old school" *****

"The wife returned reeling in the years" *****

More info can be obtained about Thrills-R-Us at www.ecstasycountdown.com​

The Famous #16

Local sports influencers Pete and Clete (who has put on weight) Sweeney will once again be perched greenside at #16 for this week's Waste Management Open.

The rowdy enclosed par 3 has been the site for many memories over the years including Tiger's Ace, but in 2022 Clete got in trouble.

After Sam Ryders hole-in-one everyone was throwing their cups of beer.  Clete didn't have anything to throw, so he grabbed a ladies purse and threw it.  The lady's heavy handbag contained a six-pack of Stroh's, nunchucks, and her tiny support dog. The purse struck a volunteer knocking him out, the beer sprayed on him and the dog bit his ear. 

Clete is making payments.

Clete is on lifetime probation at all PGA events now.

Pete will be hosting a 'facetime podcast' with Christiaan Bezuidenhout before and after he plays.  Pete calls him "Chris Buzzcut."

Another Factory Closes

The Collier Cow Magnet Company of Canal Lewisville will close its doors on December 30th.

Blanton Collier, the owner, says the market is just too competitive these days.

"We had a good run, especially in 1980, but I just couldn't automate and put these fine ladies out of work," Collier noted.

Instead he waited until the last employee was eligible for retirement and then announced that he would shutter the business.

There will be an auction for the chattel in the spring.

Collier says he's not ready to retire and will instead start a business to reclaim the used magnets from local slaughterhouses. 

"Magnets are my life. And my daughter makes refrigerator magnets that look like cows too," said Blanton. "We're just drawn to them."

Look Out Houston!

Pete and Clete Sweeney headed south to Houston last evening. 

The Sweeney twins are the founders of the Tri-Village Browns Backers and don't miss many games. The Browns will play the Houston Oilers, oops, Texans Saturday at 4:30.

"We finally got our comp tickets from Coach Stefanski and changed the oil in the camper for the long trip," said Clete (who's put on weight).

The Sweeneys will report back to this news desk as warranted.  They do plan to stop in Memphis for a tour of Graceland on the way back.

​"And we always do the Bourbon Trail in Kentucky too," said Pete.  "The challenge though is to make sure Clete isn't overserved."

Clete is on probation in thirty two of the lower 48.

Truly Charitable

In an effort to rebuild his reputation, Greg Norman has gifted Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney with memberships in the most exclusive golf club in history.

The Shell Bay Club's $1,000,000.00 initiation fee has been paid for by the course designer.

"I know it's gonna cost me a little more buying them proper golf attire, but they've been such good ambassadors for golf that I wanted to show the world that I can be nice," said the Aussie when told that Pete always wears a faded Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon tee shirt, cargo shorts and crocs.

When contacted about the gift, Clete (who is slightly portly) said: "I hope their jumbo all beef hot dogs are as good as the ones I get at Zoar Golf Club."

"I gotta get soft spikes in my shoes," said Pete. "I heard they don't like metal spikes anymore. What's up with that? and I hope to meet and tell Greg 'thanks', I didn't know he was still alive to be truthful."

The Sweeneys are looking for host families for when they come to the Miami area. 

Opening Night "Issues"

Last night was Opening Night for the  Canal Lewisville Junior High Christmas production of "A Midwestern Holiday Season Musical of Sonatas and Contatas".

"Stage fright.  That's the only explanation I can give you," said Director Joni Graham.  

"They were good from wandelprobe to sitzprobe to dress rehearsals. But, when the curtains opened and they saw the huge crowd, the panic was contagious," Graham offered.

The actors ended up reading their parts.

Those in attendance said the band was good, the set was beautiful and the costumes were appropriate.

​

Winner, Winner - Burger (?) Dinner

    By now we have all heard that Subway has offered free subs for life if you change your name to "Subway."

    Well they stole that idea from the local franchise Bun 'N Run.

    Franchisee Phillip McNicholson has announced that Robert Miller will now be known as Bobby BunNrun.  

    "I just love them there burgers," said Bobby.  "Lookin' to eat there tonight again," he added.

    "That boy ain't right," said his parents.

Good Conduct

The news desk at the FresnOnion has just learned that after 234 years, the Supreme Court of The United States now has to have a code of ethics.

It seems that somewhere along the line, a Justice got a free ham salad sandwich or something of value - without paying for it!

We're not sure what prompted her, but Justice Amy Comey Barrett said,"maybe that would be a good idea," when asked about their inability to 'do the right thing'.

So they did.  

The Ten Commandments weren't good enough.

Their oath of office wasn't good enough.

Now they have to think twice before somebody buys them a beer, or decide to quit making payments for their pop-up camper.

Pet News

Local pet shop operator, Bunny McHopenstein, says that she has received a ton of requests for the Pygmy Slow Lorises.

"These seem to be the coolest pet to have these days," says Bunny. "That story in the Smithsonian really set the market abuzz."  

McHopenstein's Critters has many dogs, cats, fish, horned toads, chameleons, servals, chinchillas, wallaroos, axolotl, hegus and hedgehogs.  But, do not have any suppliers for the Pygmy Slow Lorises yet, according to Bunny.

"And I won't do the black market thing!" she exclaimed.

"I have orders for a dozen, but just don't think it will happen here.  You might have to contact the Mayor," she offered.

You can find McHopenstein's Critters across the road from the entrance to McHopenstein's Plantation and Pastures. 

Contact bunny  through her website: www.quadruped.pet

Rumours Finally Confirmed

After decades of speculation, innuendo and whispers, it has finally been confirmed that Porky Oliver did in fact drink beer.

"He always denied liking the lager," said sportswriter Dan Jenkins, between puffs on his filter-less Marlboro.

"But this photo that has surfaced out of nowhere tells a different story," Jenkins continued.

The picture captures Porky Oliver with some guy named Ben Hogan drinking PabstBlue Ribbon Beer in a beer advertisment that was never published. Hogan was the guy that only owned two clubs.

"Now we know the rest of the story," concluded Jenkins after a coughing spell. The 'rest of the story' being about how Mr. Oliver putted so well. Beer has long been considered "performance enhancing".

A spokesperson for Pabst would not confirm nor deny making deliveries to the Oliver Mansion.  The spokesperson went on to say that an internal investigation is underway to find the source of the photo leak. 

"Porky Oliver paid a ton of money to keep that picture out of the public domain, now we fear litigation."

2023 Report Filed, finally

The historically inept Department of the Unexplained has finally filed their 2023 report.

This report on the yearly activities was supposed to be submitted "...by the tenth day of January" as required by law.

This is the 26th year in a row that the report is late.

Highlights of the D.O.U. report state that 928 'incidents' were submitted to their office.  Of those, 2 were satisfactorily resolved.

Eight new subcommittees for the purpose of re-cataloguing submissions were formed.

72 new employees were hired. One was fired for being inappropriate on the phone with a citizen. 

Of the 855 unexplained 'incidents' that carried over from 2022, none were resolved and remain "under review."

Their budget request for a 9% increase was approved by Congress.

The D.O.U. details remain protected from public scrutiny "for National Security" and exempt from freedom of information requests, so don't even try.

"They Are Coming!"

The Capybara Migration Monitoring Committee has sounded the alarm.  The South American rodent, Capybara, has started to make his presence known in the USA.

Committee chairperson, Elanor Hosselfelt, says "We've been keeping an eye on these critters for years now.  Something is gonna hafta be done. Probably build a wall or whatnot."

If you see a Capybara on your property or when you are out and about, please report to the authorities.

"And write your legislator or Mayor or city council," said Hosselfelt. "If we let them take over, then our American Groundhog will be a minority!"

Head Start for Adults

 It is said that everything you needed to learn for a happy and productive adult life you learned in HeadStart.

Some just didn't pay attention.

Lessons like: take a nap in the afternoon; be sure to flush, put things back where you found them; share, and say "I'm sorry",

Now through a generous grant from The Harrigan Foundation, local retired early childhood specialist Bernice Moyer has formulated a ReStart program. 

You can send your husband back for a do-over on learning the important things.  

Contact Moyer on her MyFaceSpace page.  Half day classes for ReStart  begin after the first of the year.

​They will be required to wash their hands.

Vocation or Avocation?

Some do it for a living, others do it to raise a little extra spending money.

The topic of panhandling will be discussed tonight at the Making Life Better monthly lecture.  Doors will open at 7:30 at the Reese's Crossing Event Center.

World famous panhandler Abner Philcot will touch on the art of "....getting others to hand over their money...."

He says you can't start too young, and the elderly have more success.

"Watching your ten year old get a sawbuck is so gratifying," noted Abner.

Philcot added that the importance of: "your handmade sign, apparel and location," will be emphasized.

Philcot will also be available to autograph his best-seller: Ask and You Get, Don't and You Won't

Local Antiquities Dealers to Gather

The MuTuGuCo Association of Astrolabe Collectors will have a special gathering next weekend.

"We will be proud host the newest of Astrolabes to have been discovered," said Association President Vernal McDickson.

The Verona Museum has graciously agreed to loan the Verona Astrolabe to MuTuGuCo.

Science nerds and collectors of the odd who reside in Muskingum, Tuscarawas, Guernsey, and Coshocton Counties are qualified to join.

MuTuGuCo is responsible for all costs and hope the $50 ticket is not too prohibitive. Students get five dollars off.

The Verona Astrolabe will be on display from 9-6 at the Plainfield Convention Center.  

"We choose Plainfield because it is centrally located and has ample parking," said McDickson.

The ladies of the church will have a hot dog stand.

____________________________________

Special and Exceptional Certificate of Outstanding Stewardship For Recognition of Excellence, Representation, Initiative and Influence 

Presented to: 

Name witheld by request

Presented by: 

The National Mullien Growers Association

Sept. 1, 2023

For:  Mullien from a Rock

Orville Reddendichly, Chairman

____________________________________

Bottleneck on Isle 5

Police were called to the mid-town Piggly Wiggly last night as customers refused to obey store manager orders.

"We had all of the customers lined up to check out their groceries on register 5," said night manager Seth Tomlinson.

"We'd just hired Rudy Giuliani to bag groceries and everyone wanted that register so they could take pictures and get selfies," lamented Tomlinson.

"We had a line all the way back to personal hygiene and magazines.  I gave the guy a job because he said he needed money, now I've been demoted back to third shift stocking shelves.  That shift ends just as school starts," said the high school junior.

Flintstone Fest

The touring Flintstone Festival has been scheduled to come east of the Mississippi River for the first time ever.

The Tuscarawas County Festival Organizing and Scheduling Committee has found a date that works in everyone's schedule.

"We'll have the inaugural Flintstone Fest the first three days of May," says committee chair MarieAnn Albergetti, after deeming it appropriate.

Local food vendors, carnival ride companies and musicians are all hastily rearranging their daytimers to participate.

Contests will include most look-a-like adults, Little Miss Pebbles, Mr. BamBam (strongest 4 and under boy {gender confirmed}) and a 'Dino Parade' for dogs sponsored by Good Boy Bakery.

"The Brontasaurus rib cookoff      will be the final day       highlight," says Albergetti.

A new MyFaceSpace page has been created just for this event.

Here Kitty ?

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe is frantically notifying the neighborhood to not befriend a very large cat.

"I did get an urgent communique last evening," confirmed Trupe.

"There is a "Savannah Cat" on the loose somewhere in Ohio, and they are touchy," noted Rollie.

The portly cat was last seen in Erie County.

"I done did check with Marleana Richcreek, and her fat cat, Ollieboy, is in. So we know it's not him."  Ollieboy is an award winning Calico that weighs more than any other cat in the tri-state region. Ollieboy has a NIL contract with Purina.

If you were to spot the large cat that's at-large, Trupe says by all means, hesitate to call him.

Eclipse News

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has reported just a few minor incidents during yesterday's eclipse.

Trupe 's report:

-Mildred Hankey reported that her husband of 62 years, Red, was missing.  Upon further investigation, it seems he went to bed when it got dark.

-The seventh grade class at Fresno Jr. High booed the eclipse and went back to the classroom.

-The Hipsters at Wooly Pig said they forgot and wondered who they could call for a do-over?

-Trupe's office received a 'noise nuisance' call.  Eli Whitcomb's donkey started to bray when it got dark because he thought it was feeding time.  He continued to annoy the neighborhood for 3 hours.

Wild Times, Again

Seems that every city, village and small berg have a celebration, award or festival.

These celebrations honor their heritage, famous resident, or produce.

You have canal days, tomato festivals, a duct tape festival, spam jam in Hawaii, just any reason to gather.

Well one of the most famous and wildest parties is slated to take place again this weekend.  

The Festus Fest is a 4 day event in Birmingham, Ohio a suburb of Peoli.

"Festus Fest celebrates our hometown hero who starred in Gunsmoke," says festival chair Ellen Funt.

"Bring your own lawnchair, food and beverage. We don't provide much here, just portolets," said Funt. "We're not as organized as the Road Kill Cookoff down in Marlington, West Virginia." 

Making Lemonade

This is a gruesome story with an uplifting ending.

As your mother always said, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

So out of bad comes something good.

Seems that for years now detached human feet - in shoes - have been washing up on the shores of the pacific northwest.

Well it has happened again, in July.

As awful as these stories are, Julian Edelmansor has started a project to repurpose those single shoes.

"I'll wash, clean, and sterilize that single shoe and donate to those in need of just a single shoe," said Julian. 

"And each shoe will be documented with the story of how it was found," added Edelmansor. "Just a conversation starter for first dates and the like."

You can contact him through his MyFaceSpace page.

Update:  Pete and Clete have arrived in Houston.  

They were greeted warmly at Stats Sports Bar and Grill by the Space City Browns Backers president Cory Hammer.

First pic Pete took: 

Clete led a long and loud "here we go Brownies" cheer. 

Post Game Update:  Pete says nothing to report here.  Clete says the food-courts were very good.  They expect to be home Monday late.

Super Bowl = No Work

Well the annual exodus from the FresnOnion offices will result in an absence of stories.

To justify the entire staff attending the Super Bowl, we'll call it a "maintenance shutdown". 

But the offices of legal compliance, research, editing/proofreading, art, and creative never return to work in their best form. 

Padrig Shurhand, Esquire is our "designated survivor" and is available to legally approve any 'breaking news' as to form only.  He drew the short straw this year and had to stay home.

Pete and Clete Sweeney are trying to get to Vegas from The WM Golf Tournament, if they file a story we'll get it posted.

​Enjoy the game. Don't call in sick tomorrow, your boss will know it's a fib.

Pokeberry, what is it good for......?

.....absolutely nothin'.  That's what most people think.  

This is the time of year that the American Pokeweed is bearing it's fruit.

We were taught at an early age on how to make the distinction between the pokeberry and the elderberry.  

All parts of the pokeweed – berries, roots, leaves and stems – are poisonous to humans.  Although some think that if you boil the leaves long enough the poisons are removed for poke salad.

The berries do make a nice purple dye, according to Clive Donckers of the Donckers Dye Company of Dresden.

"We make all the colors..." said Donckers, "...have been for decades now.  Dyes for all fabrics, kinda proud of that," he noted.

So if your wife spills bleach on your Minnesota Vikings jersey you can use pokeberry dye to fix it.

Championship Weekend is here.

The White Eyes Valley Cricket League comes to a close this weekend as the championship match begins Saturday.

The Fresno Humbletons led the league from the onset in March and will take on the Powellville Sledders.

The format is 'Limited Over' each day.

The season seems longer than bowling leagues and the championship is always held on the Hamilton Cricket Ground. 

Bring your own lawn chair and leave the blue tooth speakers at home as music is a no-no.

The church ladies will have a lunch stand.

Words

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released this month's list. (It's always good to have lists).

Wilomena Levengood, Club President, says we should try to re-introduce these words to our friends in casual conversation:

1. Persnickety 

2. Pernicious

3. Perfidious

4. Perspicacious

5. Bloke

Levengood thinks it best to drop these words when ordering a coney,fries and root beer at Jolly's A&W.

A New Litter

Local dog breeder Rose LaMond has just posted that she has another batch of  Hairless Chihuahuas for adoption.

"Yes all seventeen are now ready," said Rose when contacted for confirmation. 

"I know everybody wants one, so I'll have the online drawing on Wednesday," she added.

Because of the genetic defect that causes them to be hairless, they chill easily.  Thus the ladies of the church knit little sweaters for each adoption.

LaMond says the next time she'll have some for adoption is after bowling season.  LaMond is a legend on the lanes and schedules her side hustle, Hairless Chihuahuas, around that.

You can enter the drawing on her website: www.yappylittlethings.com

Plan Ahead

Local Emergency Management officials are urging everyone to plan ahead for the loss of one second in the next few years.

Multiple news outlets are reporting that because of the polar ice cap melting, we will lose some time in our lives.

"What it amounts to is a total of one second being lost.  It used to be one second added and that's what we call a 'leap second'" said the recently informed EMS Chief Saul Benatti, but now it has to be taken away."

Benatti says it should not affect your time-share in Myrtle Beach.

Petitions are being circulated to tie the time loss to income. 

"The rich can afford it," declared Marlow Thomasson. Thomasson is well known in the area for her 'causes'.

A Leak

Have you ever wondered where all of the helium comes from when you see a party balloon?

Well, a quiet little company located in the hillside smack dab in the middle of the Fresno-Chili-Pearl village triangle countryplex is the answer.

The Heaton Helium Company supplies 90% of the world's helium and recently secured their near monopoly by purchasing a 600,000 acre swath on the island of Baffin.

Scientists have just discovered that earth is leaking helium from it's core at Baffin.

Company President Tim Heaton says "we couldn't afford to do it and we couldn't afford not to."  

"We do helium," he continued, "But we weren't prepared for the residents of Baffin....they all talk funny." 

New Program Added

Local access Cable Channel 88 FZNO has announced that their primetime lineup will change.

"The return of daylight savings time, which is stupid, facilitated the change," said Program Director Herb Scorsese.

The cable channel has picked up the rights to Intervention Tonight.  This show is about the friends and family conducting an intervention and the equally hilarious and horrifying reactions.

"We will air the show at ten pm because of the subject," noted Herb. "Although I believe in 'scared straight', when it comes to junkies, drunks, tweekers, boozers, crazies , unhinged, stoners, guzzlers, sots  and demented, this is an adults only show.

For Buffy and Jody fans, Family Affair  will move back to 10:30 now just before the news.

Interesting note. Buffy, Jody and Mr. French conducted their own "intervention" when they caught older sister Cissy smoking up with a hippie played by Jamie Farr in season 3 episode 27.

Also: Family Affair

Sale! Sale! Sale!

Odom's Electronics, the anchor store in Grewell's mini mall, is having his first ever Black Friday Sale.

"Yea, never done such a thing," said Vladamir Odom, "It goes against everything I know about business."  

CB Radios, scanners, walkie talkies and shortwave radios are all marked down according to Vlad.

"Why discount my product? I ask myself. But others are doing it today so I will try," said Odom.  He did confirm that sales have been down the last couple of decades.

"I will also include a laminated copy of police codes with every scanner sold," promised the store's owner.

Odom's Electronics will be open until 11 tonight and until the Buckeyes game is over tomorrow. He validates parking and prefers you shop without children.

A Rarity

The National Mullien Growers Association has awarded a Special and Exceptional Certificate of Outstanding Stewardship For Recognition of Excellence, Representation, Initiative and Influence  to a local man.

"Quite frankly, we have never seen such an accomplishment since 1948," said Chairman Orville Reddendichly.  

The National Mullien Growers Association held their annual convention again this year at the Blue Swallow Motel in Tucamcari, New Mexico.

The Fresno area man was singled out for his 'mullien from a rock' submission.

"I am humbled by getting called up on stage in front of everyone just to be handed this nicely framed award," he said while insisting on anonymity.

This is only the third time in 97 years that such a recognition has taken place.

NOTICE:  Sled Week has been ppd. til it snows.

Stop Eliminated

The Fresno to Marfa Railway Excursion Company has announced that they will no longer stop in Clarksville.  The last train to Clarksville will depart on December 19th.

The regular stops of Grumpen, Flockton, Mortonhurst, Gluk, Pixley, Mugby Junction, Hadleyville, Melton and Rancho Relaxo are all set for 2024 says Senior Porter Merle Dorselport.

"We were able to eliminate Clarksville because the only passenger who used our services got promoted to the Victoria Secret home office and moved to Picktown," said Dorselport.

It's Pebble Week

    What was once "The Crosby" or "Bing's Clambake"  has now become one of the greatest spectacles in sports.

    So Pete and Clete Sweeney are on their way, again, to work the event.

    The boys will be packing today for "Pebble Week" as they call it.  The golf course on the Monterey Peninsula is host to the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-am.

    The Pro-Am portion has been reduced in participants, so Pete is not entered this week.  He will however work the car lot as valet for the professionals. 

    Pete, once a regular amateur participant, was banned for five years after walking in Jack Lemmon's line when metal spikes were still used. Jack missed the forty foot put and blamed it on Pete's spike marks.  Lemmon and Peter Jacobsen missed the cut by one stroke.

    Clete (who's put on a little weight) will once again take his folding canvas chair -chaise to us- down on the beach behind #7.  His job is to keep beach bums from sneaking up, and to spot errant shots that fly the green.

    They leave tomorrow night as there is no Par 3 event on Wednesday anymore.  

A Reverse Lasso!

In what is being called the most right stunning maneuver, the NFL's Washington Commanders have signed Paul Scholes to be their next head coach.

Scholes retired from coaching soccer in the UK in 2020.  He played for  Manchester United from 1993 to 2013, and later was part owner and coach of Salford City.

"Yea, it is absolutely true that I have never, ever seen American Football played, but how hard can it be?" said Scholes.

"I mean if Ted Lasso can come over here and coach our football (we call it soccer), then it mustn't be that difficult."

Scholes went on, "You could fill two internets with what I don't know about American football," before being ushered away from the microphone.

​The greatest ever ManU player will begin his career in the U.S. this week.

The BBC will have their own version of Hard Knocks featuring the Commanders.  

Enjoy  Opens Today

Joy Loy, twin sister of Lorna Loy, has opened a Cosmopolitan Martini Bar right next door to Lorna's Laundry.

"I just thought it would be a neat place to spend some time while waiting on your clothes," said Ms. Loy.

Enjoy will be a place to also gather after work, before work or instead of work she noted.

"We'll make all cosmo's known to mankind and use nothing but locally sourced vodka which of course is the popular Dundee Vodka," Joy promised.

She also promised that the music will be fun, uplifting, and happy.  "No blues music on the jukebox at Enjoy !"

That leaves one storefront still available in the mini-strip mall on Perry Avenue at the six-way light.

Tickets Now On Sale

The Bird's Run Community Theatre has announced that the box office will begin selling tickets for their upcoming production of The Pseudobulbar Mute.

This one-man drama takes place in turn of the century Mingo Junction.  The two-act play will feature one (1), 30 (thirty) minute intermission.

Internationally acclaimed actor Edris Ilba is the star and much like Waiting for Guffman, there is talk of not only an OCTA, but also a Tony award and might make it all the way to Broadway.

Opening Night will be announced when 30 tickets are sold.

Mystery Solved

The buzz about town the past couple of weeks has been 'who drove the red sports car?"

The annual Christmas parade in Keene was progressing as planned.  The local marching bands, the various festival queens, the dignitaries and then right in the middle appeared a red sports car with the top down!

"After a compleat and thorough investigation, I can now release the name of the driver and her motivation," said Constable Rollie F. Trupe.

"The driver was Madame George and she was funded by the billionaire prankster TB Sheets," Trupe revealed.

Sheets is know worldwide for his elaborate pranks.  Probably his most famous prank was the Great Spaghetti Harvest of 1957.

​Madame George is the stage name for Georgina Roberts, the grandaughter of Morgana Roberts, the Kissing Bandit.

Year End Meeting/Party

The Eastern Ohio Chapter of The Royal and Ancient Order of The Grinney will hold their annual year end business meeting and New Year's Eve Party this Sunday. 

The business meeting for members (men) will be held at 7pm at the Fraternity's Lodge House on 72nd St.

The financial position, beer inventory and appointment of the 2024 Lord Alvin will be on the agenda. Outgoing Lord Alvin, Ernie Swartz has hives and can not attend.

The member's wives and dates will be permitted to enter the convocation hall through the side door at 8:30.  Pete and Clete Sweeney will check credentials.

Chef Milton of the famous Baltic resort, The Tie-dyed Lotus , will cater the formal sit-down meal that will feature three forks. 

Zeke 'N Eddy will play dinner music to be followed by a dance.  The ladies will be permitted to remove their hi-heels.

Champagne, Pork and Sauerkraut will be served at midnight.  

​Godfrey's Taxi Bus has been contracted to drive everyone home. 

Tonight's Monthly Speaker

The monthly guest lecture series this month is "Making Life Better and Other Helpful Hints From Heloise."  Motivational speaker Heloise Hinton has travelled in from LaQuinta this month.

The wildly popular star of TikTok, Instagram, MyFaceSpace and Highlights Magazine will coach those in attendance on 'how to live a long, productive and purposeful life'.

The twenty-one year old's topic tonight is: The Long Game For Seniors.

"I'll just try to inspire those who are about 80 on how to get to 82 or so," said Heloise.

Hinton has over 2 million followers on social media. Her bio reveals that she "found Waldo" at age 2.

​The lecture takes place in the first floor meeting room at the Peoli Civic Center.  Doors open at 6, with general admission seating.

The church ladies will serve decaf and Metamucil. Frankie the custodian, will have a cash bar down the hall in his workshop.

Another List of Words

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released their suggestions of five words to use again:

Blatherskite

Horsefeathers

Gobbledegook

Piffle

Keen

Wilomena Levengood, Chairperson, says to use these words when talking about your boorish cousins at Thanksgiving.

Each month Levengood and her students peruse the many suggestions submitted.  To make your suggestions go their MyFaceSpace page or message them on instaXtok.

Lorna Buys Laundrette

Lorna Loy has purhased the old Dutton Laundrette on Perry Avenue at the six-way light.  

"I have thoroughly cleaned, disinfected and de-cluttered the place," said Loy.  "It had been closed for twenty years. They had trouble tracking down all the Dutton's out in Wyoming to settle the estate.  I also put in newer magazines and detergent dispensers," 

She plans on also devoting space for a laundromat.  

"We'll wash and press, but not dry clean," said the new owner.  "Please bring your own hangers."

Loy also said the old practice of leaving your clothes in the washing machine and taking someone elses jeans has to stop.

Lorna's Laundry opens Monday.  Lorna also wants to hire some ladies that know to clean the lint filter.

Coming tomorrow:  Lorna's twin sister, Joy, to open a Cosmopolitan Bar next door.

Herbie Returns!

Loopholes.  Ya gotta love em.

That seems to be the sentiment in Buckeye Nation these days, as a little known loophole because of covid is allowing Kirk Herbstreit to return to the playing field.

"We discovered that there is a covid provision allowing me to suit up again," said Herbstreit the former Buckeye quarterback.

"I will run and stretch a bit, study the playbook some, toss the ball around with my sons, and play QB in the Cotton Bowl later this month," confirmed the tv announcer.

​Because Julian Fleming is transferring, #4 is now available.

Herbstreit last played for the Scarlet and Gray in the Florida Citrus Bowl in 1993. He was also the QB in the 13-13 tie with Michigan or as E. Gordon Gee said: "This tie is one of our greatest wins ever." 

After the announcement, Herbstreit signed a contract to be a spokesperson for Aleve.  Bayer, the makers of Aleve, also purchased commercials in the Cotton Bowl broadcast. Bayer stock rose 18% in two days.

Herbstreit says that he'll decide on 2024 the week after the game. 

Charges Pending

According to Reuters News, a kangaroo that was found along the road, punched a law enforcement officer.

The incident has created quite the controversy as some are calling for leniency, while the Mounties say harsh is the way to go.

"We have to send an example," said one member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police who requested anonymity. 

While you "set an example" and "send a message", we get what he was trying to say.  We also understand why he's called the 'Yogi Berra' of the RCMP.

This story also reminds of the Boo Weekley fight with an orangutan.

Tony, not Rollie

A Unique Event

An unusual occurance of combined booksigning, live stream lecture and podcast will take place Monday evening.

Through a generous grant from the Harrigan Foundation, pulitzer prize winning author Calvin Hobbson will talk about his newest effort: Demerits and Blackmarks - Trouble in elementary school.

Hobbson was unable to advance out of the sixth grade until he was sixteen.  He drove to school the final three months that year. He dated the Junior Prom Queen Fawn Purim, and shaved everyday.

Hobbson, who grew up in Fresno, will take the stage at the Fresno Civic Hall at 8 pm.

Local Cable Channel 88-FZNO will stream the evening while Paul Giamatti will host the author on his ChinWag podcast.

Hobbson will sign the books and pose for selfies afterwards.

The church ladies will have a foodstand.

Album Release Party

The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall will be the site of tonight's album release party for Blind Donnie McKell.

The local blues legend has just released his newest recording and the first single: He don't know what he's doin (but he does it really well) is garnering nationwide airplay.

"I am just learning about this social media thing and think maybe a youtube video could help," said McKell.

His self published recordings will be on sale during the meet and great tonight from 7-10.

The new LP's : $25.99

Out of Print LP's : 45.00

45 rpm: 12.00

8-track: 6.00

Cassette: 9.00

78 rpm: 240.00

​McKell says that for tonight only, autographs will be free.

Ready for Broadcast

Local Access Cable Channel 88 FZNO says that the long awaited docu-drama mini series, Early Dick, airs tonight.

The Ryan Seacrest production depicting a "what if" scenario of Dick Clark's American Bandstand show, as if he was born ten years earlier.

"The show started in 1952, but our premise will answer the question: what would it have looked like in 1942," said Seacrest.

The first episode will feature The Mills Brothers.  Chappelle, Snoop Dog, Allen Iverson and Steven A. Smith have been cast to play the quartet. 

FZNO Jr. Assistant Program Director, Donna Milwright, says the program will air around 8pm - after the farm report. The broadcast replay of the middle school playoff basketball game will air afterwards.

​Next Week: Robert Goulet played by Nick Offerman

Following Her Grandmother

You will recall in an earlier report that in 1971 Little Sunny Flanders started a clothes drive for Gregg Allman because she heard him sing that he doesn't own the clothes he's wearing.

Well all of these years later, her granddaughter Erin  McCormackerel has been moved to encourage us to be 'pen pals'. 

Seems that she heard the sad lyrics of Statesboro Blues about one's parents passing away:

… Well, my momma died and left me
My poppa died and left me
I ain't good looking, baby
But I'm somewhat sweet and kind

So little Erin has started a pen pal movement to write to sad and lonely musicians.

More information can be found at: www.sadandlonelyanddownandoutmusiciansandroadies.com

Once a Year

Just as the groundhog emerges on Februrary 2nd,  The Basket-necked Multipede of Fresno  comes out on October 2nd.

This morning the national media and local folk witnessed the yearly crawl of the prehistoric arthropod.

"You know that fall is here when you see one of those," said Gustov Swartzenbrubber.

The ladies of the church sold donuts.

Delay Explained

Wilomena Levengood, President of The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club, recently explained for the delay in their monthly press release.

"We've been hacked," she said. "Don't know who, what, or why, but somebody got into our system and interjected some very inappropriate and disturbing words."

So, ten days late, here are this month's words for you to start using again:
​Claptrap

Tommyrot

Codswallop

Taradiddle

Whozeewhat

These words should be reintroduced into daily diatribes.  Especially when responding to online news stories.

Vanderbilt

Fresno, Ohio
The hippest village east of Marfa, Tx

Benning​(as if we needed to tell you)

Be on the look-out when hiking

Veterinary Clinic Expands

The region's most successful veterinary clinic has introduced a new service.

The White Eyes Township Veterinary Office has added Dr. Fitzgerald Shryock to the staff.

"Dr. Fitz will be available to offer counsel to the canine of the area," said office manager Claudine Long-Jett.

The opening scene in the famous movie Best In Show has mainstreamed the dog psychiatry profession.  

"Taking your pet to see a psychiatrist is no longer a social stigma," said Dr. Shryock.

Shryock can treat depression, hypertension, eating disorders, aggression and a myriad of other symptoms. 

Dr. Shryock is the author "The Multiple Personality Dog" and has extensive history of identifying the, as he says, 'strange ranger canine'.

Shryock only takes dogs as patients because he says he has no patience with cats. 

Foundation Funds New Venture

The Harrigan Foundation has agreed to a $45 request to help Joey Sharbano start a meals on wheels chapter in Fresno.

"I recently inherited grandpas golf cart and thought I could start delivering some food to the elderly in the village," said Joey. 

Joey's last business attempt of Door Dash in Fresno failed because when he got back from town, all the food was cold.

So Joey has come up with Meals on Golf Cart Wheels

"I will cook the meals and deliver to everyone in a timely fashion.  The menu is limited though," noted Sharbano.

In the mornings you can order an egg over hard, slice of ham on toast with coffee.

Lunches are a choice of tuna or egg salad sandwich, bag of chips, bean soup and sweet tea.

Dinners will be a daily special.  Check his MyFaceSpace page for info.

Sweeneys OK at Burning Man

We have just received word that Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are alive and ok at Burning Man.

Even though thousands are stuck in the mud, "we are making the best of it," says Pete.

Clete was stuck, literally, in the mud.  He stepped out of their camper and took two steps while sinking to his waist.

A group effort of throwing ropes and winch cable from trucks close by got him up and out.

"We sure used a lot of bottled water cleaning that big boy off," said Pete.

"Lost my boots," glumly noted Clete. "they were brand new Cosmic Cowboys." 

Their status for attending the NFL Opener in Cleveland is questionable. 

Local Man Selected By Governor

After six weeks of intense vetting, The Governor has selected a local man to fill an opening in his cabinet.

Dr. Petey Van Nostrum has been selected to fill the position of Ad Hoc Director of The Jocularity and Frivolity Department, Region 11.

"The call came out of nowhere when I was told that I was on a short list of nominees," said Van Nostrum.

Van Nostrum said he will put his license in escrow and prepare for work next week. His longtime secretary, Elizabeth Ray, will accompany him.

"This is a bit of a career change for me.  But when your Governor calls, you answer....unless you're otherwise predisposed," the Dr. concluded.

In a press release announcing his selection, The Governor said that, "Petey has always been serious about all aspects of the Jocular and Frivolous." 

Invitations Are Out

    With the coming of Labor Day Weekend, The High Point on Your Social Calendar is a week away.

    The storied Fresno Civic Hall and Cafeteria will be the site again this year.

    Civic Hall manager Leonardo Snively acknowledges it is a lot of work, but "We so look forward to the evening.  This will be the fortieth year in a row we have hosted The High Point on Your Social Calendar."

    Summer Whites are the required attire and rsvp's are due in by the 31st.

    Zeke 'N Eddie are once again providing musical entertainment.  They will provide music for drinks before dinner, and dancing after.  We are hearing that they have prepared a set devoted to the merseybeat era.  Local import Talulah Clark (Petula Clark's second cousin) will sit in on some vocals. 

Words For The Wise

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has issued this month's list of words to re-introduce to your lexicon:

Fartlek

Everwhen

Erf

Meldrop 

Sozzled 

Wilomena Levengood, Department Chair, says these words  should be dropped into conversation when talking with twentysomethings.

Next Month: Palindrone Words.

Busy, Busy, Busy

What was supposed to be a rejuvenating trip to Burning Man, and then a fun college ball game in Colorado, and then the exciting Cleveland Browns opener, turned into a nightmare on the road.

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney were stuck in the mud in Nevada as reported earlier.

Then, flights were delayed out of Boulder after the Buffaloes game.  Seems all flights out were a little late as the Nebraska fans were suffering from 'rockymountainhigh' syndrome.

But eventually the Sweeneys made it to the Browns v. Bengals game.  Pete says the defense was impressive; Clete says the food was good. 

Seasonal Employment

The food service industry has a cycle of employment ups and downs.

For instance the caramel apple, the pumpkin harvest, and the spiral ham suppliers all need extra help at certain times.

Well The Creamed Corn Company of Coshocton  needs workers now that the end of the year holiday season is here.

"Thanksgiving, Christmas and The New Year all spike up our sales," said CCCC President Oliver Ohlinger.  

Coshocton, a thriving suburb of Fresno, also supplies a lot of bacon to the world.  Thus, this recipe: click here

​Applications for employment are available at Ohlinger's secretary Marie Shriver's desk.

Sweeneys Are in Italy

Pete and Clete Sweeney have arrived in Italy just in time for The Ryder Cup. Seems they were held up in customs because Clete's passport had syrup on it.

This year the biennial competition is being held at The Marco Simone Golf and Country Club  in Guidonia Montecelio, northeast of Rome.

Pete has been placed in charge of the caddy's towel supplies.

Clete (who has put on weight) will handle the players snacks at the turn (and yes a strict inventory control policy is now in place).

Horton's Gourd

Incredible March Madness

For the second year in a row, Clete Sweeney (who's put on weight), has a perfect bracket after the first round!

"We had 157 entries this year, and Clete's is flawless so far," said Activities Chairman of the Fresno Social Club, Enos Boomhauer.

Clete's brother Pete is astonished at his prowess and luck. 

"He even won his first lottery scratch-off when he was 15", said Clete.

Everyone is hoping Clete does better in the second round this year....he had every one wrong last year.

Business News

A recent press release from Paulson's Pinto Pony Farm has indicated that they are consolidating with a western circus horse company.

"We've decided to expand" says Patricia Paulson, Ceo. "When I was contacted by the Bailey Circus Horse company to buy them, I said yes as quickly as I could."

Bailey Circus Horses have provided the equine needs for various circus and state fairs for over 100 years.

"Now we aren't just stuck with county fairs, homecomings and mini-mart grand openings.  And, our employees aren't just stuck with walking in circles with the pony kid rides," she concluded.

​They will cease to provide their ponies for kids birthday parties though.

To Ascot or Not

Local fashion design prodigy, Chloe Cronauer, is being credited with the comeback of the ascot.

Cronauer is working out of the highly acclaimed workshop of George & George(Elton and Boy) in the heart of New York City's fashion district.

"Everything old is new again," said Chloe in a recent interview published in the February edition of Fashion for Farm and Dairy.

Chloe Cronauer is a graduate of Winfield High School and Strasburg State where she double degreed in Fashion Design and Mongolian Culture.

Cronauer is not related to Adrian.

Classes Cancelled

   He says he knows that this comes as disappointing news, but Curly Mulroney has to cancel his drivers education classes until after the first of the year.

   "I fell going down the front steps, broke both wrists and skinned the face pretty good," says Mulroney.  

   "With the face bandaged up, and being unable to use the hand brake from the passengers seat, I just don't think it wise to put a sixteen year old behind the wheel at this time," concluded the popular instructor.

   Curly said he also had to drop out of the bowling, dart and ping pong leagues.

   Mrs. Mulroney is tying his shoes and zipping his pants.

Charity

In the Spring of 1971 little Sunny Flanders heard a song on the radio while riding with her dad to school.

That song, Midnight Rider, inspired her to action.

In that song, Gregg Allman, revealed that he didn't own the clothes he was wearing.  That very confession resulted in Sunny organizing a clothes drive for Mr. Allman.

Two years after getting a couple of boxes in the mail, Gregg Allman looked up the fifteen year old and explained that he did, in fact, own clothes.

But Gregg said that should not thwart her efforts to keep collecting clothing for the truly needy.  So the Midnight Rider Clothes Drive has continued each year thanks to Sunny.

It is that time of year again, so drop off your donations like you have every year since 1971. Sunny says there are still "truly needy."

The Complete Obituary

Cyrus Denton "Dent" Fender 1910-2023, passed away unexpectedly in the early morning hours of September 16th.

Fender lived a complete, eventful, embarassing (to some) life.  He was especially noted for having married 32 times. 

His life was chronicled in many songs including "Papa was a Rolling Stone" by The Temptations, and "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" by his cousin Freddy Fender, and "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt to name just a few.

"He was a scamp, scoundrel, rascal, scalawag, lout, miscreant, reprobate and cheat," said his 28th wife Tilda.

Fender was responsible for 30 documented divorces, conflicts in Persia, bridges burned in Appalachia, coups in Panama and he emptied many saloons.

His business card listed sales of fly swatters, land, magazines and grocery bags.  He is credited with inventing the modern day computer, racing forms, and bongo drums.

He introduced Johnny  Cash on stage at Folsom Prison, performed at many bar mitzvahs, and danced on The Lawrence Welk Show with Sissy when Bobby drank the mexican water.

"I just didn't expect him to die so soon," said his current wife Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Elle McSwerline.

There will be no calling hours or service, per the family's wishes.  "We just don't want to get all of the living ex wives together in one room," said cousin Lefty. "Heck, reading the will and dividin' the estate is gonna be a donnybrook," he warned.

editors note:  the family was at odds on what and how much to include in this obituary. The picture chosen "...best represented his charm and good looks...."

Beyonce's Influence

Hot off of the heels of Beyonce's genre jumping success of Cowboy Carter, a local country boy does the same.

HarryLuke Hayesgrok has released a new cd titled Who I am these days, they tell me.

"My producer urged me to try this," said Hayesgrok thru a wry smile.

The first 8 songs are sappy 70's love songs including an interesting version of the Carpenters "Close to You" with only Ravi Shankar playing sitar.

Others include "Three Times a Lady" and "Muskrat Love".

The next 8 songs on HarryLuke's cd are techno pop hits of the 80's. These will be the "B" side when the vinyl comes out.

Songs like "Tainted Love", " I Ran", and "Hold Me Now" get the Hayesgrok country growl (think of Tom Waits' and Bonnie Tyler's child).

A CD release party has been planned at the Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili for this Saturday.  

The church ladies will have a food truck.

This Weekend's Events

~The Wainwright Falls Fall Film Festival

~ The Fresno Jr. High Christmas Pageant

~ The Pearl Valley Christmas Parade

~ The Tri-County Community Choir Concerts

~ The Kimbolton Air Show

~ The Skis and Sleds Show at the XI Centre

~ The Ice Fishing Instructional Seminars

~ The Sherrodsville Shotgun Swap Meet

~ Regional 'Drunk History' Tryouts

Author to Speak

The January Artist in Residence at The Hilltop Haus will read from her newest release this Wednesday.

Edith "Edie" Meany will be in Fresno for the month of January.  She will be making appearances in English Literature classes at the area high schools.  Along with her obligations there, she will also be available for Q & A at the Fresno Library.

Her current best seller, Perfecting Static Liminality, has a chapter that is equally tantalizing and shocking.  Meany will read that chapter and sign autographs at 7:30.

Each month The Hilltop Haus is home to various "artists" from around the nation. 

The church ladies will have finger foods and gin.

Author In Residence

The Antioch College Library Branch in Fresno will again host an Author In Residence.

Each September a writer that is working on his, her, or their second publication is hosted in the Writer's Haus up on the hill.

This year Basil Cleese will be moving in for a month as he continues to work on his second novel:  Exceptional Quotidian.

Cleese's first novel was a non-fiction piece about the seminal mid sixties rockabilly band: Dirt Diamond and the Moissanites.  While it was not a 'best seller' it sold ok.

Basil says his newest effort is about an avant garde tuba player who got caught cheating in the regional euchre tournament.

​

thanks for reading the fresnonion.  please forward to both of your friends.

Winfield Will Take Them!

The Winfield City Council voted nearly unanimously last night to accept all undocumented hippopotamuses.

Winfield is the first in the United States to be a 'sanctuary city' for the aquatic mammal.  

"I am so proud of my city and the resident's compassion," said councilperson Sheila Rothsteenburgen.

The legislation included all foreign and domestic, but "undocumented hippopotami" which is the uncommon plural use.  The law director loves his latin.

The lone 'no' vote came from Bill Knudsen. 

"I don't like it one bit.  It's a slippery slope, a pandora's box, a boondoggle if I ever saw one.  Just doesn't pass the smell test and reeks of graft," he said. 

His hour long filibuster ended when the pizza came.

Regionals This Weekend

Every hotel room is filled this weekend as competitors and their families are here for the Northeast Regional Tongue Twister Qualifier.

"We start the young off with the usual 'rubber baby buggey bumper' and the like," said National Tongue Twister Association Chairman Shannon Sharples.

"But last years champion, the precocious 13 year old Myrna Masters, was the tops," he noted.

Little Myrna deftly handled Fig Plucker, that usually trips up all contestants.

All know it, all practice it, but few can handle it.  If you want to try:

I am not a fig plucker,

I am a fig plucker's son

But I will pluck figs

'Til the fig plucker comes.

Speed and accuracy are the determining factors in declaring winners. Myrna said it in 3 seconds.

Start the kids with woodchuck, peter piper, seashells and fuzzy wuzzy, Shannon shyly suggested .

Eclipse Party Still On!

The always popular Fresno Eclipse Party is still on despite the weather.

Party organizer Barbee Bently says that the event will be held indoors because of the rain and overcast skies.

"Emily and Mike have opened their party barn with the huge projector screen so we can watch the eclipse," said Bently.

The Eclipse starts at 12:13 and ends an hour later, but the party will last until the end of the Ohio State-Purdue game (Emily and Mike have Peacock+).

Best In The Biz

Consumer reports has released it's annual findings on the best cars for you to  consider in 2024 .  Click here for the Report.

And a Holmes County Company, Abe's Buggies, has been named the best buggy maker for the 10th consecutive year.

"Yah, we're darn proud of our product," said Abe. "We put a ton of extras in our buggies.  The XS model is quite popular and is black."

Abe's Buggies is on the right side leaving Millersville, and on the same side coming back.

"Come on out for a test pull today," invited Abe.

Sweeneys to Cleveland

Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney have confirmed that they are headed north to Cleveland.

"Yep, we'll see the NCAA Women's Championship game on Sunday night," said Pete.   

"Clete says the Iowa player is pretty good," he noted, "I've never seen her, so there's that."

Then the Sweeney boys will spend the night and observe the eclipse from Jacobs Field while waiting for the Indians - oops, Guardians, home opener. 

Pete says he's looking forward to staying at     The Ritz.

​Clete says he's looking forward to breakfast at The Winking Lizard.

Lecture Series Continues

The "Making Life Better" lecture series continues tonight at The Canal Lewisville Performing Arts Center.

The regularly scheduled series is occasionally held in various locations around the region.  Tonight's topic is: The Heckle.

Dr. Hanford Dickson is the Dean of Oratory at  The University of Wisconsin - Frazysburg. He will address the audience at 8 pm.

"The 'heckle' can be a part of everyone's life," said Dr. Dickson. "The key is not only the choice of words but the tone of delivery," he added.

His conspectus lists all of the occasions for use of the heckle. A ballgame, a play, a wedding, the neighbor kids birthday, a violin concert, Tupperware parties, family reunions, and more will all be addressed. 

"Even at a funeral when the preacher is fumbling the words of the eulogy for your criminal cousin. I mean he needs to be called out," concluded Dr. Dickson.

The Canal Lewisville Performing Arts Center is located in the newly refurbished former Murphy Mart building. 

Super Bowl Scribbles....

.....from my notebook:

​-Reba did not have any noticeable tatoos.

-Post Malone did have one or two tats

-Usher could sing and  skate at the same time.

-Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney gave Taylor Swift a couple songs he's written. She blocked his attempt at a hug.

-That Mahomes guy is pretty good.

Clete Steps Aside

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney have been residents of the 
Dawg Pound at Cleveland Browns games since they were 12.

Last night Clete was supposed to be honorary Dawg Pound Captain and get to smash the guitar. (It's a thing)

Well he graciously stepped aside so Nick Chubb could do the honors.

"It's cool, All good, Not a problem, I'm hip," said Clete when he was asked about the disappointment.  

"I did have the honor of handing the guitar to Nick, and I picked up the pieces," he added.

Those pieces are now listed on Ebay.

The boys are on their way to Dallas for the Cotton Bowl.

Finally Ready

Local real estate developer Lawrence Linville has scheduled an open house for his long awaited "tiny house" development.

"An abundance of meetings with the regulators, regional planners and local officials held us up," lamented Linville.

But his model home is ready for tour. Call his office staff (wife and daughter) to schedule your tour. 

"These scaled down 16 room tiny houses will be all the new rage," said Linville.  "Our hope is that once their mansions are just too much for the empty nest and retired couples, they will consider us. We hope they can live with just a three car garage."

The floor plans are all based on the "6 over ten" pattern (six rooms on the second floor). Their brochures also suggest these tiny homes for the divorced and single teachers.

Linville's development is located out on TR 170, across the ravine.

E.O.M

Tonight's end of the month roundtable discussion will be on Difference and Indifference.

The Fresno Social Club's traditional end of April meeting will feature the point and counterpoint on things that aren't alike and why we just don't care.

"The importance of indifference is permeating our everyday lives," said Social Club chairwoman Betty Boopschnur.

The roundtable will be populated tonight by Bob the gardener, Bill the chimney sweep, Rob the dog groomer, Taylor the 'county arm', and Eddie from Ohio.

The church ladies will have coneys, pork rinds and beer.

Doors open at 7, seating on a first come basis.  The fire marshal won't allow standing room only anymore. 

Resolutions

Young news writer Ernie Camacho mailed off a 'finish the sentence' letter to some famous folk back in November.

Each letter asked the recipient to finish the sentence:  "In 2024 I resolve to...................."

Here are some of the responses to Ernie's request:

Taylor Swift finished her sentence: "....to record an album of Native American Heritage songs to be played after Kansas City Chiefs games."

Charlie Sheen:  "....to not attend any more of my interventions."

Chip Gaines:  "...to try to be more personable and likeable so Joanna doesn't roll her eyes at my seriousness."

Willie Geist:  "....to be a better listener."

Tito Francona: "...to play more and better golf."

Clete Sweeney (who's put on weight):  "....to drink less beer and eat less carbs."

Joe Bonamassa:  "....to learn to play the guitar left handed."

Bob Dylan:  "....to retire and not take peoples hard earned money for poor performances." 

Camacho, a fifteen year old high school junior, says he'll share more as they come in. ​"Watch this space," he said sounding like Rachel Maddow (who has not responded yet).

Weekend Update

Well history has repeated itself.  After the first round of the NCAA basketball games. Clete Sweeney (who's put on a little weight) was perfect.

But, per his past, he missed every game except Purdue, in the second round.

Taylor Swift even tweeted her amusement;  Using every emoji and meme known to mankind to express her delight.

Enos Boomhauer, Chairman of the Fresno Social Club's activity committee says that his wife, Imelda, is leading the bracket challenge with 59 points.

Travis Kelce has 55

Marla Maples has 53, to round out the top three.

On the bottom of the point total list is Mika Brzezinski, 5 points.

Problem Solved

The Tri-County Community Choir was having a moment recently.

"It happened during a couple of our songs in rehearsal," said choir director Uma Berman.

"The choir would be performing so beautifully, then something would happen that could only be described as cringeworthy," she continued.

After intense film study of each rehearesal, much like football teams do, it was discovered that new choir member Bobo Brenly didn't know the correct lyrics.

He thought the lyric was "may all your Christmas' be with Mary and Dwight".

He thought Feliz Navidad was "fleas on my dad." 

And the final error that got him booted: "Olive, the other reindeer."

"We sound so much better now and hope all can come to our holiday concerts," Uma urged.

The Tri-County Community Choir concerts are held nightly starting tomorrow until Christmas Eve at the Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili.  Lights go down at 8pm.

Clete Released

You will recall that Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney was incarcerated in the Denver lock up after sitting on Bronco's head coach Sean Payton.

Sweeney was charged with various crimes mostly associated with his girth.

After the pre-trial investigation report was submitted, all charges were dropped with the provision that Clete never return to Colorado.

Seems Judge James Travagliante was a former resident of Parma and a secret Browns fan, agreeing that the Broncos are dirty players.

"Clete really won him over when they reminisced about Big Chuck and Hoolihan, Captain Penny, Wilma Smith, the Buzzard (wmms), the buzzards (Hinckley), the drive, the fumble, red right 88 and paninis," said brother Pete. "Kid Leo is a second cousin."

They did miss the Rams game though.

A Rare Appearance

    The Creekside(pronounced: crikside)5 will make a once in a lifetime journey into the area on October 23rd.

    The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili has announced the booking.

    "We are so excited to ink them to this concert in our historic venue," said stage manager Olaf Poundstone.

    The Creekside(pronounced: crikside)5, from Valle Crucis, NC, are world reknowned for their hilbilly doo wop harmonies.  

    The singers are touring in support of their new CD titled Strange Days? You Betcha! The first single release, The Night They Drove Fat Dixie to Town, is racing up the charts.

Eclipse is NOT Cancelled!

Despite many internet, tiktok and MyFaceSpace  rumours tomorrow's eclipse is not cancelled.

Furthermore, local cable channel 88 FZNO has announced that they will suspend all programming and instead have a live camera on the hillside. (Note: The Guiding Light will air at midnight)

"We hope to document the event by showing the world the thousands of visitors we are expecting in the area," said station manager Bud Lithgow.

In addition CNN has created a soundtrack playlist for the hour beginning at 2:30:

“Dancing in the Moonlight” by King Harvest. You’ll have approximately 3 ½ to 4 minutes to dance in the “moonlight” when the eclipse reaches its totality, according to NASA.

“The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel. Hello darkness, my old friend.

“Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles. Hit play on this Beatles number as the sun comes back into view, but watch your eyes.

“Blinded by the Light” by Manfred Mann's Earth Band, wear your protective eyewear, ok?

“Starman” by David Bowie. For those who believe that we’re not alone as we collectively gaze to the heavens.

“You Are the Sunshine of My Life” by Stevie Wonder. A total classic.

“Heaven is a Place on Earth” by Belinda Carlisle. While you’re looking up at the cosmic abyss, just remember there’s really no place like this blue marble we call home.

“Brain Damage/Eclipse” by Pink Floyd. As tempting as it is to let the entire “Dark Side of the Moon” album serve as your eclipse soundtrack, the two final songs on this masterful sonic collection are the obvious picks.

“Gravity” by John Mayer. It’s the all-encompassing force that keeps all of the celestial objects in our solar system in orbit around the sun. And our feet on the ground as we look skyward.

“House of the Rising Sun” by the Animals. As one of the most covered songs that exists, there’s a version out there for everyone so pick your favorite.

“Black Moon Rising” by Black Pumas. The moon will look black as it takes its prominent position in the sky blocking out the sun, so this moody tune fits here.

“Seven” by Taylor Swift. This is a perfect opportunity to tell your eclipse-viewing partner, “love you to the moon and to Saturn.”

"Bad Moon on the Rise" by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Just to remind us of Wayne & Garth singing "..there's a bathroom on the right..."

“Champagne Supernova” by Oasis. Maybe, just maybe, if you look up long enough you’ll find that champagne supernova in the sky that Liam Gallagher has been singing about since 1996.

“Every Country’s Sun” by Mogwai Aside. From the on-point song title, just sit back, look up, and listen to this pure ambient gorgeousness.

 "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. Obviously, there is no greater eclipse song than Bonnie Tyler’s 1983 hit. Just don’t “turn around” or you’ll miss it!

Stottleberg Retires From Tour

The Lake Lila Country Club is announcing they have inked Renee Stottleberg to a three-year contract.

Stottleberg, who has had immense success on the ladies tour recently retired from the tournament life.

"We are so very, very pleased to announce that Renee will settle into the day to day role of Acting Professional & Director of Activities here at The Lake Lila Country Club," said board director Dan Hackerbracht.

Stottleberg is currently on holiday at her island in St. Kitts.  She did send an instaXtok message saying how excited she is to start in March.  

She did finish her "retirement tour season" with 4 wins.

She won The Invitational at The Burmese Golf and Trout Club, The Ladies Roundup at The Madagascar CC, defended her title at The  Alta Weiss Invitational hosted by The Ragersville Golf and Swiss Cheese Club and The Peruvian Masters where she was 8 time winner.

Stottleberg's responsibilities will be leagues, lessons and The Joe Walsh Invitational (Joe Bonamassa has won 3 years in a row). 

GourdFest

The 85th annual White Eyes Valley GourdFest began last night.  The crowning of Little Miss Gourd always kicks off the three day event.

Arlene McDougle was chosen from eighteen contestants as the 2023 Little Miss Gourd.  Many believe it was the eleven year old's answer to a the Judge's question: "How does being off the gold standard affect your day to day life?" sealed her selection.

In other GourdFest  news, Janine Canister won the award for most gourds per square foot.

Horton Wherley won for the largest gourd.

And the grand champion gourd award was given to Herman Schembechler for the gourd most resembling a famous person.  His Yasser Arafat gourd was astounding.

All gourds will be on display Saturday from 1-4 in the Hulcher Barn.

The festival ends Sunday afternoon with the husband and wife gourdtoss.

Old Farmer's or Harry's ?

The new edition of OLD FARMER'S  ALMANAC is out, and is predicting a cold winter for most.

However, the locals rely far more heavily on Harry's Almanac.

Harry's has correctly predicted this region's winter months for the past 44 years.

"I just seem to have a knack for understanding the weather," said Harry.

And what about this winter? 

"Balmy, mild and dry.  You should be able to get at least 9 rounds of golf in each month," he said.

Harry's Almanac is sold everywhere alcohol is served.

Safari Dates Set

The Bungalow Bill Big Game Safari Excursion Tour and Holiday winter dates have been announced.

Bill says the "no kill" trip will depart on January 3rd and be back fourteen days later.  All you bring home are memories and pictures.

These usually sell out, so get your reservations in asap.

Bill says that his safaris are great Christmas gifts, that's why he announces them early.

The early announcement also allows you to get all shots necessary, passports updated, film purchased and immodium stocked up.

All contact with Bill is thru his MyFaceSpace page.

Guv's Decree

In an effort to ease the stress of everybody trying to celebrate Cinco De Mayo on the 5th, the Governor's Office of Party/Pleasure&Celebrations has a new edict out.

"What we've done is spread out the period over 3 days," said Secretary Torrance Fishburn.

The State of Ohio will now recognize Quatro De Mayo and Seis De Mayo as days for 'party, pleasure, and celebration'.

All celebrants now have options.

"You can now choose which day best suits your schedule to responsibly raise a toast," noted Fishburn, "especially this year as the 5th falls on a Sunday."

Glamping Season Ending Soon

The highly popular Fresno Glampground  for high end conestoga wagons has announced that their gates close on Oct 22nd.

"The value added prairie schooner has been a nice market to tap into," said property manager Derb Tarlik.

Tarlik's wife owns the land and Derb didn't want to plow anymore so he started a campground that morphed into "glamping"  which is glamour camping. "And folks can get alot of money tied up in one of those wagons," he noted.

Those interested in exploring the conestoga should contact the Conestoga Wagon Company.

All wagons and personal property must be removed so the Tarliks can clean and winterize before heading to their off-season island in the south pacific.

Local Fresno Chamber President Tommy Stiltner said the regional economy thrives because of the rich glampers.

Words

The Otterbein College Vocabular Restoration Club has announced their monthly list of words they feel we should use again.

Wilomena Levengood, club advisor, says this month's list is thematic because we are coming off the 'party season'.

The List:

Juiced

Blotto

Stewed

Splifficated

Wiffled

Each month the club re-introduces words they feel we should implement when ordering pizza.

october        OCTOBER        October        OCTOBER

Local Man Featured

Gideon Vanderbilt, local collector, is featured in this months Junkers Illustrated.

Vanderbilt says he's been collecting his whole life. 

"I was just a wee one when father said to pick up that piece of angle iron," Vanderbilt is quoted in the magazine, "been doing just that ever since."

Vanderbilt is well known by the orange (we think)  1999 F350 he drives around the county.

"The key is knowing the Kimble routes and being one day ahead of them," Gideon revealed.  His business acumen and keen eye garnered him the Junker of the Year plaque during the pandemic.  

"People were at home and cleaned a lot back then," he said when asked about the award.

Junkers Illustrated is now available at the newsstand next to the railroad tracks right beside Mary and Harold's diner. 

This month's publication is also highlighted by a 15 page spread featuring Annette Bening in an off the shoulder evening gown made from recycled feedsacks, twisty-ties and bottle caps.

Sweeney Family on 'ChinWag'

We've just learned that the entire Sweeney family will appear on the podcast Chinwag.

This is how Chinwag is described:

       Acclaimed actor Paul Giamatti and esteemed writer-philosopher Stephen Asma collaborate on an engaging weekly podcast exploring the human psyche’s complexities.                                                                With prominent guests from various disciplines, Paul Giamatti’s CHINWAG with Stephen Asma takes you on a fascinating journey through diverse subjects, such as science, mysticism, philosophy, and psychedelics are all open for exploration.
      Chinwag is a unique and delightful blend of humor, insight, and thought-provoking conversation.

The twin brothers Pete & Clete, sister Reeney, and cousin Teeney are scheduled to share their philosophies this Sunday morning.  

Pete says he'll not talk politics. He will instead focus on his psychedelics and golf experiences; Clete has thoughts on being comfortable with one's weight; Reeney wants to share her alien abduction experiences and Teeney has some thoughts on living in Clete's shadow.

Download the podcast app if you know what all of that means.

More News You Probably Should Not Believe

Rarely

The headline says it all.  When we say rare we mean extremely rare!

The En Passant Blues Band will make a one time visit to North America next Saturday night.

The trio from Holland will land at the Coshocton International Airport and perform at the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili.

"We are touring in support of our newest album,  Don't Pass Me By, Don't Make Me Cry," said Lars Hoorgand the band's lead vocalist and drummer.  

The LP features six tunes on side one: Loan Me A Pawn, The Rook is Gone, My Knight at The Days Inn, Joey Bishop was a Capricorn,  and I'm a Queen Bee. Side two is a Tom Petty tribute: Kings Road.

Hoorgand will be joined on stage by longtime pals Bram Sneerkly on keyboards and famed guitarist Jan Akkerman's son, Franck.

The evening is sold out already. Streaming options are on local cable channel 88 FZNO.

Another Lecture Scheduled

The "Making Life Better" lecture series continues next Friday at the Downtown Civic Centre.

This month's lecture features Mo Shelton.  Shelton is an author, lifestyle coach, dietician, expert in animal husbandry and cartoon voice talent.

His lecture this time around will be on 'excuses'.

"Everyone needs a good foundation on the fine art of making excuses," said Shelton.  "My dog ate my homework ,I have a headache, my chakras are blocked, just doesn't work these days."

"I will explain the need to embellish, flesh out the story and creative detailing," promised Mo, adding "it has to be plausible."

When a need arises to get out of something, explain a lack of action or just plain fib, this lecture should prepare you for most situations.

The first hour will be for the young adults, then after intermission, an 'adults only' session will be held.  Childcare will be provided.

The lecture starts at 7pm.  

The church ladies will have a food stand and wine.

Bulletin:

The First Church of The Holy Mother of All That Is Righteous and Wonderful  has announced that they will be hosting a special guest this Sunday.

The Gospel and Evangelical Stylings of Aretha Franklin as performed by Clay Aiken will make a one day stop in Ohio.

Aiken will perform after The Church's services conclude.  Aiken will join The Mostly-Right Reverend Horton Whomlout in the pulpit for the doxology and then seamlessly begin his performance.

Aiken's online set lists indicate he always opens withGod Will Take Care of You.

There will be one intermission for bbq Greek gyros.  The Ladies of The Church will operate the cash bar. 

​The First Church of The Holy Mother of All That Is Righteous and Wonderful  is located in Pleasant Valley next to the dog pound.

This Week Only

The highly acclaimed Dave Brubeck Tribute Quartet, Empirically Moot  are here through Sunday.

"We are so very elated that we were able to book these boys," said Herschel Waller the owner of  the world renowned  Sand Pebble Inn.

Empirically Moot  will perform one show each night through Sunday, but two on Saturday. If you attend every performance you will not hear the same piece twice, except 'Take 5'.

The early performance on Saturday begins at 5 pm and the band will replicate the "Live at Carnegie Hall" double album that came out in 1963.

"Wait til you hear these guys play Castilian Drums," exclaimed Waller. "And the sax player channels Desmond wonderfully."

Tickets are on sale at the box office.

It's Masters Week!

A week like no other.  And, again, Pete and Clete (who's put on some weight) Sweeney will be volunteering their services in Augusta.

This year the Augusta National Chairman, Jack Stephens, has assigned them the task of roaming the course with their ball retrievers.

They started Monday at #16 where it is tradition to skip the ball across the pond. 

The boys weren't needed for one guy as Jon Rahm skipped one in for and ace!!!

And they will be especially busy today at the Par 3 tournament.  

New Franchise To Start

Cornelius Bruddah has purchased the franchise rights to Rothchild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

"Just giving the locals another option when the need arises," said Cornelius.

You can find him on MyFaceSpace,  where Bruddah has listed the top ten reasons to call him. Call his sister, Rose, to schedule a pump.

Winston Rothchild said he is very happy to expand into the tri-village area and hopes everyone will consider Bruddah.

Sweeney's Are Busy

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney will be busy the next couple of days.

Pete is doing play-by-play of the Packers at Lions game on Thanksgiving Day.  Clete will handle color commentating and trying to spot tackles.  He did note that the press box will be catered.

Then on Friday they are in New York City for the morning show circuit.  First on Morning Joe (Clete hopes Mika is there too), The Today Show and Rachel Ray Show.  Clete said he will help her cook. They are also alternates on the chain gang for the Dolphins-Jets game.

Saturday finds the Sweeneys in Ann Arbor for the Buckeyes at Wolverines. Their mama was a Buckeye while daddy was a Michigander. They say game day was a hoot growing up.

From Michigan they will drive all night to cover the Browns v. Broncos game.  Pete will do most of the work there as Clete can't handle the thin air much.

Award Winners

Some pizza place in Groveport won the "Best Restaurant" award recently. To read all about that, click here.

But what wasn't revealed in the article were the lesser categories and the winners.

That's because Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium swept the slate.  

Harry Pelvistein, the Junior Day Assistant of the Counter Area, represented Dirty Sal at the Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic, Ohio

"It's always nice to be nominated, but to win, that's  something," said Harry as he held the Gold Star Certificates.  

Dirty Sal's won for Shiniest Forks, Cleanest Menus, and Whitest & Best Pressed Napkins.

Dirty Sal has franchises in Conesville, Aetna, Flint (Ohio, NOT Michigan), Danville, Dalton and Dundee.  The Original Dirty Sal's is still in West Bedford.

Finally Open

What seems like a decade was only nine years.  

"Well we finally got a certificate of occupancy," said Blake Elwood.

Elwood has been working to transform the old Kinney Shoe Store space into a nightclub. He had a vision, just didn't agree with the building codes.

The Limeliter  is now open.  

"We know that our target market is kind of limited, but we're for the 'folk' folks. We're not a sports bar, just a relaxed place to talk politics, religion, and world events," Blake said

Folk music is not making a comeback despite Mumford and Sons.  But Elwood thinks there are enough fans to patronize his place on a regular basis.

"We'll do theme nights, to start," said Blake.  "Mondays will feature songs about jet planes.

"Tuesday's will be open mic nite, we'll provide the banjos. I will close on Wednesdays to golf.

"Thursday's will feature songs about rowing boats.  And every Friday we'll show A Mighty Wind on the big white wall." 

The 'soft grand opening' was this past week. A cavalcade of stars have been invited for the big night.  Glenn Yarborough, Arlo Guthrie, The Chad Mitchell Trio, Joni Mitchell, The Weavers and Odetta have yet to rsvp.

"A proper grand opening will be scheduled when I have somebody for the stage," Elwood concluded.

The Limeliter is also looking for help.  Successful applicants will dress, act and speak appropriately.  Long-haired, freaky people should apply in person.

Celebrity Sells

Taking a page from the Columbus based apparel brand, Homage, a local merchandiser is doing the same.

"After Taylor Swift wore their hat, the orders are out of this world," said Shakey Dellacourte.  

Dellacourte's line of Hoyt-Clagwell tee shirts, hats, belt buckles, hood ornaments, varsity style jackets, work shirts, ladies tank tops and tube tops are popular locally.  But he has bigger goals.

"I've signed Pete, Clete (big & tall & bigger) and Reeney Sweeney to be celebrity influencers for my line," Shakey noted.

You can see the new line, as modeled by the Sweeneys, at Shakey's  MyFaceSpace  page.

​You will also see Dellacourte's best selling lines of DEKALB evening wear, Surge smart casual and Coba coveralls.

Staff Back

The offices at the FresnOnion are back to full staff after taking the week after the Super Bowl off.

The office "Swifties" report that Taylor was very cordial and congenial at the after party.

The football diehards said that Travis was a bit over served.

And those that went just for the experience said it was a bit much and won't do it again.  

Check back in tomorrow for more "news you probably shouldn't believe".

A Gifting Idea

Local pig farmer Strom Reagan has formed a new company with the other pork producers in the region.

"What we've done is set aside a certain product each month to fill Pork of the Month Club orders, said Reagan.

Those who join the club or have it gifted to them, can expect a shipment of pork the last seven days of the month.

"For instance, the last day of December each member will receive a 5lb pork roast for New Year's Eve and Day menus that consist of pork roast, sauerkraut and mashed potatoes," said Strom.

He went on to say that the list of monthly features is on their website: www.lotsofoink.pig

To get your gift cards and memberships  by the holidays have all requests in by Dec. 15th.

Just think, bacon, pork chops, pork ribs, sausage, ham, ham loaf, ham salad, pork roast............

Pork gravy is an upcharge says Reagan.

Cyril's Silos

Cyril Sizemore's Silo Company has been selected to remove the 9 silo's at the old Mid-town Grainery.

Cyril says that he has buyers for six of the silos and will begin after the first of the year.

Sizemore's company removes, relocates and repurposes abandoned silos nationwide.

He has developed them into houses, swimming pools, stores, bars, mother-in-law's quarters and raised gardens.

"We've also created a very large dog kennel," said Cyril.

If you are in need, contact him on his MyFaceSpace page

Uncommon In These Parts

World famous country rapper Lapp Dogg will be performing tonight at the Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili.

"Our bus broke down," said Mr. Dogg explaining why he is here.

"I've always heard about 'the Ames' and decided to make some money while we waited for the bus to get fixed," he said.

Copies of Lapp Dogg's newest release: Mr. Hood in the Corral on Hi Fidelity Stereo LP Album, CD, Cassette and 8-track will be available for purchase, autograph and selfie.

Also, anyone who knows how to work on a a Britannia bodied Leyland Tiger Cub that used to be part of the Great Orme Tours, should contact Lapp.  The owners manual is included, but you need to know to read british.

There are freebies involved. 

Only For The Astute

The Advanced and Excelerated Third Grade Class at Fresno Elementary have a new subject this semester.

Semantics for A Lifetime will be taught by new staffer Dr. Gerald Een.  Dr. Een comes to Fresno from the prestigious Guernsey Catholic School system.

"I will devote most of the class to formal semantics," said Dr. Een. "But the class wouldn't be complete if I didn't touch on lexical and conceptual as well."

"We will eliminate recess and study hall just before lunch, to work this in," said Principal Virgil Duckworth. "Our third-graders are truly inspirational.  And by eliminating recess we eliminate sweat and bloody knees."

The syllabus can be found on the school's MyFaceSpace page.  The manual, written by Dr. Een, can be purchased at the school's book store for $279.00. Make sure you get the 4th edition.

Breaking News!

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney landed at Dallas Ft. Worth Airport at 4:24 eastern time.

They were picked up by Ryan Day's Limousine and are being shuttled to AT&T Stadium in Arlington for tonight'sCotton Bowl.

The Sweeneys have been selected to work the sidelines for Ohio State.  Pete will be Coach Day's "Headphone Facilitator", meaning he will hold the cord.

Clete will fill the Gatorade cups for the players, which is a good job for him as his back is still touchy.

The Sweeneys were in Cleveland last night for the Browns win over the J.E.T.S. Jets, jets jets......

The Sweeneys Are Out !

Word has been confirmed back home that Pete and Clete (who has put on weight) Sweeney are safely back on the road from Burning Man.

What turned into a mud bowl held up their return and jeopardized their attendance at the Browns-Bengals NFL Opener this Sunday.

And the news gets even better that after decades of volunteering, they have been named fourth alternate chain crew.  

What's more is the historic announcement that their sister (Irene) Reeney has been named third alternate for the down marker.  If those in front of her get injured, sick or otherwise removed, she will be the first female to work the sidelines!

Clete promises pictures.

Out of Business And Shut Down

The Navarre Technologies plant has been closed since Wednesday. 

"That darn FDA report just killed us," said plant manager Dan Tuckston.

Navarre Technologies for decades has been making carrageenan from seaweed and all 900 employees are now in limbo.

The "darn" FDA report that Tuckston is referring to says the carrageenan is now linked to negative intestinal conditions.

So add ice cream, yogurt, and chocolate milk to the 'don't go there' list that also includes mexican water.

Tuckston says that if he can get approval he will retool the plant for manufacturing brominated vegetable oil.

CBS Drops 60 Minutes

The iconic news magazine 60 Minutes has been cancelled on CBS.

"We just can't afford the exhorbitant salaries, production costs, and devoting a full hour to that type of format," said an unnamed source. "And paying the reporters to just sit around and wait for football to end was not good business."

However, local cable channel 88 FZNO has picked up the rights.  

"We will shorten the show a bit," said Junior Assistant Program Director Shelly Ann Sanders.

38 Minutes will feature reporters Pot Skelly, Nora McDonnel, Leslie Stalder, Mark Wallace and Nan Rather.

The first episode is scheduled for next Sunday and will investigate the regional ground mole population explosion.

Annual Fall Road Race 

The 73rd Annual Fall Transcounty Road Race is coming up Saturady October 14th. 

This year's course has just been released so the drivers can familiarize themselves with a map, and those who live on the route can plan a day trip away.

This year all cars will leave the Dale Earnhardt FunnyCart Speedway parking lot in Fresno.  

The route will take the drivers south on SR 93 to Ironton.  In Ironton they will circle around the downtown and head north back to Fresno.  

The 2022 Champion, Miss Dolly Partridge is not entered this year as she has an appointment to get her new teeth.  This news comes as a relief, as she caused many mishaps enroute to victory last year. 

Not Even Nominated

World famous Chef Milton was again not nominated for the James Beard Award.

Chef Milton is the head chef at the famous 1.5 star Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic.

Two chefs from Columbus however, were named as semifinalists.

While Chef Milton has remained the kind, humble and forgiving man, there are others who are speaking out.

Fitzgerald Shryock says, "I think it a travesty! I've eaten at the Lotus every day since it opened and never, have I ever, gotten ill."

Evalean Miller, waitress, says that all of her patron's pay their bill.

Chef Milton's Hawaiian Style Trail and Swiss sandwiches are a luncheon specialty.  

​Maluhia.

Early Entries

The Wainwright Falls Fall Film Festival  has announced the early entrants for this year's event.

Longtime film festival chairman Gurnly Oppenschmidt says that yet again some big names are coming. "Yep, some big names will be coming." 

Films entered so far:

Most every night? Really? is the King Harvest Story submitted by the Kurt Loder Project company.

The Surreal Housewives of Tunnel Hill is a Christopher Guest mockumentary.  The film will star Jennifer Coolidge and she will be in attendance.

Ken Burn's latest docu-drama, Comfortably Plumb, chronicles the early years of the plumb bob.

And, The Short Story of Howie Long is a 30 minute film submitted by local filmmaker Simon Sesno, son of the popular American Journalist, Frank Sesno and wife Always, who was the executive secretary for Al Davis.

The red carpet opening night festivities kick off the four-day weekend on December 14th per tradition.  Sara Silverman will host on cable channel 88 FZNO.

"Yep, that's the last weekend before the first day of Winter," Oppenschmidt confirmed. "That's why it is a 'fall film festival', if we waited another week then it'd be a 'winter film festival'," he said just to be clear.

                       March                           March                                                March                     Madness

Cancelled

Tonight's Open Mic Night at Mac's 2-way Bar and Grill has been cancelled because of Easter.

Also, next week enter from the southside,  the north door will be closed for repairs. 

And another thing, Mac wants everyone to know that the Open Mic Night is for singers only.  Says the patrons are tired of hipster poetry, and he's tired of their crazy drink requests.

Degree Earned

A graduation party was held at The Tie-Dyed Lotusin Baltic recently for William "Willie" Matchett.

Young William was awarded a Certified Degree in Elevator and Escalator Design Engineering from Strasburg State University.

"William Matchett was one of the quickest studies and obtained his degree faster than anyone in our program's history," said Rob Homeler, department chairman.

Matchett has already been inked to a contract with Glavin Construction in Cincinnati.  Jerry Glavin says he'll put Matchett to work immediately on the Mine Mall Project in Oxford Township. 

His senior thesis was titled: The many uses of a horizontal escalator.  "And that is what we need," said Glavin.

The Lotus' Chef Milton had a beautiful tray of Trail Bologna and locally sourced cheeses for the celebrants.  Matchett's grandparents covered the fifteen minute open bar tab.

Help Wanted

The Columbus based dog food company, CapCityRover has a rare opening for the 'food taster' position.

Company President, Doramee Fidoran, said they have some new product that needs to go through their rigorous approval process.

"We have developed a few new tastes for man's best friend:  'smash burger', 'tacos and horse' and a vegan offering combining asparagus and soybeans," said Fidoran.

The position pays $75,000 per year with full benefits and company paid DI-GEL supplies. 

Applications can be found on the company website: www.capcityrover.blech

'Tis The Ski Season

This is the time of year when the familiar phrase, "better call Saul" is uttered by many.

Saul Troyer owns and operates the popular and famous Slippery Slope.  He purchased the retail and repair ski business from Gideon "Slippery" Swartz ten years ago after "the incident".

Gideon had tripped over his wax bucket, which caused a domino effect of skis, shelves and tools falling on top of him.  He wasn't found for 3 days.

Troyer had returned home from learning the ski tuning trade whilst in Colorado.

"Had to get out of that state. It was getting so I couldn't understand the new lingo and lifestyle," said Troyer.

Troyer quickly became well known for his knowledge of waxing, deburring, ironing and edging skis.  "I can do all nine edges," he bragged.

Saul has also added snowboards and ice skates to his inventory. 

It should be noted that when Saul came home, 'Slippery' went to Colorado.  

The Slippery Slope is open when the lights are on.

Culprits Caught, finally

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe says that after an exhausting period of surveillance and 'old fashioned police work' he has caught the perps.

"I tell ya it was just like domestic terrorism what these kids have been doing," said Trupe.

"These kids" he is referring to is a band of tenth graders who have been illegally entering homes in a two county wide area.  They are not stealing or causing damage, they are rearranging the furniture.

"People would come home and find the living room or den not how they left it," offered Rollie.

"Actually a couple folks just left it because they said the 'flung-schway' (sic) whatever that means, was better," concluded Trupe who used air quotes and rolled his eyes.

The students were released to their parents and immediatly hired by Darnold Designed Interiors.

Rocky Sues Saloon

Rocky Raccoon has filed a lawsuit in Montana Federal Court.

Rocky is charging the local saloon in the Black Mountain Hills for failure to provide the minimum necessities.

After checking himself in, (stinking of gin) and even though he brought his own gun, the only thing there was Gideon's Bible.  No bedsheets, no pillowcases, no stocked mini-bar, not even a chocolate on the pillow.

When contacted by members of the press, Rocky said "I am asking for small damages financially but I'll be better as soon as I am able....." 

Local Boy Doing Good

Mr. and Mrs. Rocky Gilmour are pleased to announce that their son, Rocky II, has received a title bump.

Rocky II is now the "Lead Polisher and Feather Duster" for the Hallaton Helmet at Harborough Museum in Leicestershire.

In a story by Sonja Anderson of Smithsonian Magazine, a 2000 year old Roman Helmet has been restored, and a replica has been created.  Thus the need for someone to clean and maintain these pieces.

"He's very good with the polishing cloth," said his mom, Gloria.  "I had him polishing our silverware at an early age.  I do understand he had to attend a feather dusting workshop though," she noted.

​The Gilmours, who reside in Stringtown,  plan a trip later this year to see the entire Hallaton Treasure Collection.

Local Landmark To Get Historical Designation

The local historical society has finally succeeded in getting the site of a past significant crossroads on the National Historic Register.

Scheinblum's Ditch used to be a small settlement at the intersection of CR 1 and CR 2.  

The very small village used to have six buildings.  The street level space was the business and the proprietors lived in the second story.

The history of the location is quite unique.  As the story goes, Col. Richard Scheinblum was stationed at Campus Martius, a fort in Marietta, Ohio.

One evening, after drinking in the Officers Club, he grabbed a half a dozen bottles of 'whiski' and said he was going to find out where the river (Muskingum River) started, and headed north.

He made it as far as Coshocton County.  A fur trapper found him passed out in a ditch (historians agree that if it had been deeper, it would be a ravine).  

The trapper roused him and asked Col. Scheinblum where he was going.  "Here" was the response.  And there was where he built a shack.  

Two soldiers from Ft. Martius were dispatched to find him.  

When they did, they stayed.  A year later a rebel soldier stumbled into their company.  When asked what he could contribute to their survival, he said the only thing he had was 3 sisters.  They were dispatched and a subsequent day of weddings took place.  

And that was the beginning of Scheinblum's Ditch.  The eldest of each family stayed, while the other siblings went out into the world.  

Scheinblum's Ditch was wiped out during the 1969 Flood. 

A ceremony will be held when the plaque arrives.

The church ladies will have a food stand and serve 'whiski'.

It's A Scam!

Regional law enforcement officials are again emphasizing that there is no Nigerian Prince that needs your help.

"We've been informed that a Zanesville woman has lost her life's savings," said Lt. Oliver Wendall.

"He sent her an email and she sent him money," according to Lt. Wendall.

"Just delete." he suggested, also voicing the opinion that the elderly shouldn't be allowed social media.

"Under 16 and over 68," would be his suggestion.

Mines To Close

Arman Hammer, VIII has announced that the family mines in central Ohio will close this April.

"Our sodium  mining facilities in both locations in Marne will cease.  We have dug it out," said Arman

The baking soda magnate has agreed to pay the 8 employees their full salaries until the end of the year.  

The company's other mines near Put-N-Bay will continue to pull the salt from mother earth. 

"The salt we mine is not spread on the roads in winter, but used in formulating sodium bicarbonate," noted Hammer. 

"The baking industry is good, and everybody has a box in the back of the refrigerator."

Arrests in Soho

Details are sketchy, but it seems that a very strong drink was served last night in Soho.

Many were over served.

Lon Cheney, III was guest bartender at Trader Vic's .  His pina coladas were so strong that all who drank his concoctions were reminding the sober of those who ran amok in Kent.

Film at eleven.

Half-time Hit !

The half-time show during the recent Lou Groza League season opener was a huge hit.

While the Marne vs. Plainfield teams were in the locker rooms, The Marching Contrabass Clarinet Ensemble from neighboring Peoli H.S. wowed the fans.

"That might be as good as TBDBITL!" exclaimed Georgia Thorogood. "The script Peoli was special, and having Clete Sweeney (who's put on weight) dot the i was over the top," she added after sipping from her flask.

The MCC Ensemble has 245 students from the region that practice all summer and travel during the fall and winter to various events.

More info and to enquire about joing the musicians go to: www.nothingbettertodo.com

The Lou Groza League is for sixth graders only, and was won by Marne when Plainfield hiked the ball out of the endzone resulting in the final 2-0 score.