A Rarity
The National Mullien Growers Association has awarded a Special and Exceptional Certificate of Outstanding Stewardship For Recognition of Excellence, Representation, Initiative and Influence to a local man.
"Quite frankly, we have never seen such an accomplishment since 1948," said Chairman Orville Reddendichly.
The National Mullien Growers Association held their annual convention again this year at the Blue Swallow Motel in Tucamcari, New Mexico.
The Fresno area man was singled out for his 'mullien from a rock' submission.
"I am humbled by getting called up on stage in front of everyone just to be handed this nicely framed award," he said while insisting on anonymity.
This is only the third time in 97 years that such a recognition has taken place.
Stop Eliminated
The Fresno to Marfa Railway Excursion Company has announced that they will no longer stop in Clarksville. The last train to Clarksville will depart on December 19th.
The regular stops of Grumpen, Flockton, Mortonhurst, Gluk, Pixley, Mugby Junction, Hadleyville, Melton and Rancho Relaxo are all set for 2024 says Senior Porter Merle Dorselport.
"We were able to eliminate Clarksville because the only passenger who used our services got promoted to the Victoria Secret home office and moved to Picktown," said Dorselport.
GourdFest
The 85th annual White Eyes Valley GourdFest began last night. The crowning of Little Miss Gourd always kicks off the three day event.
Arlene McDougle was chosen from eighteen contestants as the 2023 Little Miss Gourd. Many believe it was the eleven year old's answer to a the Judge's question: "How does being off the gold standard affect your day to day life?" sealed her selection.
In other GourdFest news, Janine Canister won the award for most gourds per square foot.
Horton Wherley won for the largest gourd.
And the grand champion gourd award was given to Herman Schembechler for the gourd most resembling a famous person. His Yasser Arafat gourd was astounding.
All gourds will be on display Saturday from 1-4 in the Hulcher Barn.
The festival ends Sunday afternoon with the husband and wife gourdtoss.
Arrests in Soho
Details are sketchy, but it seems that a very strong drink was served last night in Soho.
Many were over served.
Lon Cheney, III was guest bartender at Trader Vic's . His pina coladas were so strong that all who drank his concoctions were reminding the sober of those who ran amok in Kent.
Film at eleven.
Classes Cancelled
He says he knows that this comes as disappointing news, but Curly Mulroney has to cancel his drivers education classes until after the first of the year.
"I fell going down the front steps, broke both wrists and skinned the face pretty good," says Mulroney.
"With the face bandaged up, and being unable to use the hand brake from the passengers seat, I just don't think it wise to put a sixteen year old behind the wheel at this time," concluded the popular instructor.
Curly said he also had to drop out of the bowling, dart and ping pong leagues.
Mrs. Mulroney is tying his shoes and zipping his pants.
Card Party News
This month's Monthly Rotating Card Party rotates to Eddie Eckelstein's place.
Eddie says he'll have three tables going. One table will be men's only euchre.
One table will be mixed doubles hausey, and one table will be for 'leftover partner' spades.
As is the case every month Eddie will serve his homemade wine, but bring your own snacks. Eddie's wife Ernestine is making rhubarb crisp with vanilla ice cream.
Eddie does want everyone to know that the Phermon's have been invited to quit the group after last month's cheating incident.
Deck shufflin' starts at 7pm.
Next Month: Beatnik Rummy at Emily & Mike's Party Barn.
Activists Act, Again
Local Impala breeder Mordecai Brown, IV has reported that someone again opened the gate.
"All 42 ewes and both rams have been turned out again," said Mordecai.
"Last time that happened I had a bunch of unwanted pregnancies on my hands," he noted. "Sure makes life hectic when all those calves come due at once!"
Constable Rollie F. Trupe confirmed the crime and said the local group {all three of them} of college age activists that call themselves "threepeace" are probably at fault.
Mordecai, the decendent of the famous baseball manager Mordecai Brown, said he was watching the world series at the time.
Brown's Impalas are know worldwide in the impala racing circle. He has bred the last 5 champions in the Coshocton Derby.
Clete Sweeney going for snacks
Veteran Joins News Team
Cable Channel 88 FZNO announced yesterday that the veteran Earl Camembert will start next week. SomeNewsTonight airs Mondays and Thursdays.
Camembert for years partnered with Floyd Robertson over at SCTV, until covid.
"We are so fortunate to have such a straight up newsman join our team. His veteran leadership and willingness to mentor the interns and recent college graduates is invaluable," said FZNO news director Maura Haberger.
SomeNewsTonight is the award winning small market broadcast news program that is credited with covering the deer hunting phenomenon in rural Ohio.
Earl's first editorial will be a message to terrorists.
Seasonal Employment
The food service industry has a cycle of employment ups and downs.
For instance the caramel apple, the pumpkin harvest, and the spiral ham suppliers all need extra help at certain times.
Well The Creamed Corn Company of Coshocton needs workers now that the end of the year holiday season is here.
"Thanksgiving, Christmas and The New Year all spike up our sales," said CCCC President Oliver Ohlinger.
Coshocton, a thriving suburb of Fresno, also supplies a lot of bacon to the world. Thus, this recipe: click here
Applications for employment are available at Ohlinger's secretary Marie Shriver's desk.
Sweeneys Are in Italy
Pete and Clete Sweeney have arrived in Italy just in time for The Ryder Cup. Seems they were held up in customs because Clete's passport had syrup on it.
This year the biennial competition is being held at The Marco Simone Golf and Country Club in Guidonia Montecelio, northeast of Rome.
Pete has been placed in charge of the caddy's towel supplies.
Clete (who has put on weight) will handle the players snacks at the turn (and yes a strict inventory control policy is now in place).
Safari Dates Set
The Bungalow Bill Big Game Safari Excursion Tour and Holiday winter dates have been announced.
Bill says the "no kill" trip will depart on January 3rd and be back fourteen days later. All you bring home are memories and pictures.
These usually sell out, so get your reservations in asap.
Bill says that his safaris are great Christmas gifts, that's why he announces them early.
The early announcement also allows you to get all shots necessary, passports updated, film purchased and immodium stocked up.
All contact with Bill is thru his MyFaceSpace page.
Your Vocabulary
This month's list of words to meld into your vocabulary has been released from The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club.
Wilomena Levengood is the Club's President and she says this month's suggestions come from alert fresnOnion reader Cal Schindler.
"Cal contacted me and said 'it's about time somebody decided to not let these words die a slow unused death', " said Wilomena.
So Schindler's list of words for you to use:
Lothario
Confabulaton
Ascertain
Snowbrowth
Gorgonize
Drop these words into any conversation when talking baseball and you will raise eyebrows for sure.
Applicants are Disappointing
Sanderson Temporary Employee Services is looking for "appropriate and qualified" Santas for the upcoming holiday season.
"I gotta say that what is applying these days just doesn't cut it," said Snoop Sanderson. " I mean where does a 145 pound, out of work thirty year old with scraggly chin hair think he can pass as Santa?"
Sanderson reiterated that they are looking for a rotund, bearded, good natured, sober, retired gentleman with good hygiene and knows what a breath mint is.
Applicants should apply in person, in costume, ready to work that day. Those with chewing tobacco stains or face tattoos need not apply, don't asky why.
#9 at Lake Lila CC
November November November November November November try to remember
Thanks for reading The FresnOnion
Another First
Hondo Appleton is reporting that he has finished raking leaves. As is usually the case, he is first to do everything.
Hondo is the first to have his sidewalks shoveled after a snowfall, first to call in the temperature to the local radio station, and first to have a ripe tomato.
In school Hondo was first to finish the tests, but last to give his report card to mom.
Browns Blow Up Internet
The social media world is overwhelmed with the news coming out of the Cleveland Browns camp.
They have cut their kicker Cade York and signed Phil Dawson!
The 48 year old says,"I'll miss less than that guy."
Local Browns fan Sephus Elder said: "ya boy, things are trending our way. But I wonder why they didn't consider Don Cockroft?"
New Food
Newcomerstown Foods, Inc. is the largest food processing plant in east-central Ohio.
A press conference/food tasting presentation was held yesterday to introduce their new foods.
We've all heard about, eaten or had doctors recommend turkey bacon, turkey sausage and/or turkey burgers, but Newcomerstown Foods has flipped the script: PorKey.
"PorKey is a ham based food that is molded to resemble a turkey," announced Bernice Bilgenbert, VP of Consumer Relations.
NFI also presented their newest breakfast offering: The Hi-Dee-Ho's. "They resemble Cheerios but are pressed from locally sourced soybeans and corn mash from the ethanol plant," said Bilgenbert. A bowl was served hot like oatmeal or with milk and sugar. Most gave it a try.
And the final line of new food product introduced yesterday is a snack: Wattle Chips,think Doritos.
"Again, we found a local source who harvests wattle from birds and mammals, and our kitchen developed a very unique rub that seasons the wattle chip," noted Bernice as she offered sample bags to everyone who said they would try them at home.
Clete Sweeney (who has put on weight) took a skid of sample bags. Said he was gonna put them out for the OSU v. Michigan game this Saturday.
At the end, Bilgenbert said they are looking for brave food tasters for the next quarter.
Pete Sweeney
Another Factory Closes
The Collier Cow Magnet Company of Canal Lewisville will close its doors on December 30th.
Blanton Collier, the owner, says the market is just too competitive these days.
"We had a good run, especially in 1980, but I just couldn't automate and put these fine ladies out of work," Collier noted.
Instead he waited until the last employee was eligible for retirement and then announced that he would shutter the business.
There will be an auction for the chattel in the spring.
Collier says he's not ready to retire and will instead start a business to reclaim the used magnets from local slaughterhouses.
"Magnets are my life. And my daughter makes refrigerator magnets that look like cows too," said Blanton. "We're just drawn to them."
On a Mission
Local hiker Arlo Hightower has announced that he is going to hike the equator.
"I am announcing today that I will hike the equator," said Arlo.
"The Countries that the equator passes through are:
Gabon, Congo, Democratic Republic of Congo
Uganda, Kenya, Somalia, São Tomé and Príncipe, Maldives, Kiribati, Indonesia, Ecuador, Colombia and Brazil," he said thinking we cared.
He did ask that we feed his cats.
Pete Sweeney
Local Man Featured
Gideon Vanderbilt, local collector, is featured in this months Junkers Illustrated.
Vanderbilt says he's been collecting his whole life.
"I was just a wee one when father said to pick up that piece of angel iron," Vanderbilt is quoted in the magazine, "been doing just that ever since."
Vanderbilt is well known by the orange (we think) 1999 F350 he drives around the county.
"The key is knowing the Kimble routes and being one day ahead of them," Gideon revealed. His business acumen and keen eye garnered him the Junker of the Year plaque during the pandemic.
"People were at home and cleaned a lot back then," he said when asked about the award.
Junkers Illustrated is now available at the newsstand next to the railroad tracks right beside Mary and Harold's diner.
This month's publication is also highlighted by a 15 page spread featuring Annette Bening in an off the shoulder evening gown made from recycled feedsacks and bottle caps.
Sweeney Family on 'ChinWag'
We've just learned that the entire Sweeney family will appear on the podcast Chinwag.
This is how Chinwag is described:
Acclaimed actor Paul Giamatti and esteemed writer-philosopher Stephen Asma collaborate on an engaging weekly podcast exploring the human psyche’s complexities. With prominent guests from various disciplines, Paul Giamatti’s CHINWAG with Stephen Asma takes you on a fascinating journey through diverse subjects, such as science, mysticism, philosophy, and psychedelics are all open for exploration.
Chinwag is a unique and delightful blend of humor, insight, and thought-provoking conversation.
The twin brothers Pete & Clete, sister Reeney, and cousin Teeney are scheduled to share their philosophies this Sunday morning.
Pete says he'll not talk politics. He will instead focus on his psychedelics and golf experiences; Clete has thoughts on being comfortable with one's weight; Reeney wants to share her alien abduction experiences and Teeney has some thoughts on living in Clete's shadow.
Download the podcast app if you know what all of that means.
18 Jobs To Be Created
According to a press release yesterday, the former Murphy's Mart warehouse in the Fresno Industrial Park has been leased.
The L'Oreal Burlap Company will be expanding their manufacturing business in the midwest.
"They will be adding good paying jobs," said Industrial Park manager Marvin Gardner.
"They need 4 laborers and will be relocating 14 management to Fresno," he added.
The ripple effect of getting a burlap manufacturer into a region is tremendous as the need for jute, flax, sisal and hemp will help local growers. Seasonal harvesters will also provide part time employment opportunities as well.
Obituary
Cyrus Denton "Dent" Fender 1910-2023
passed away on September 16, 2023......
More to come as the family is working to complete the obituary notice. They were caught off guard by his sudden death.
Swim, Swam, Swum?
Russell Geese was probably the most popular and effective teacher in history at Fresno Elementary. (believe that.)
The Russell Geese Foundation For Proper English will hold another seminar on Friday night at the Fresno Civic Auditorium.
"Conjugation, verbage and tense will be the topic and is open to all who desire to speak better english," said Ted Lewis chairman of the Languages Dept at the Foundation.
"If your wife, husband or other is constantly correcting your word choice, then this is probably for you," added Lewis.
There will also be a meeting for all who have to live with those who will not change, and continue to say "had went" "I seen" or "done gone". This informal meeting will be at the Stumble Inn Bar and Grill across the street from the Auditorium.
More info can be found at: www.you'nsbedumb.com
Championship Weekend is here.
The White Eyes Valley Cricket League comes to a close this weekend as the championship match begins Saturday.
The Fresno Humbletons led the league from the onset in March and will take on the Powellville Sledders.
The format is 'Limited Over' each day.
The season seems longer than bowling leagues and the championship is always held on the Hamilton Cricket Ground.
Bring your own lawn chair and leave the blue tooth speakers at home as music is a no-no.
The church ladies will have a lunch stand.
Words
The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released this month's list. (It's always good to have lists).
Wilomena Levengood, Club President, says we should try to re-introduce these words to our friends in casual conversation:
1. Persnickety
2. Pernicious
3. Perfidious
4. Perspicacious
5. Bloke
Levengood thinks it best to drop these words when ordering a coney,fries and root beer at Jolly's A&W.
Annual Year End Sale
JB's Architectural Salvage & Quality Junk Company is having their annual sale.
"We do this every year, that's why we call it an annual sale," said JB from his office in Tyndal.
"I go all over and gather stuff for the sales yard and showroom, we sell what we can during the rehab season, and then have a big blow-out in November and first 2 weeks of December," the owner said.
All Frieze is now half off. Barn siding is 40% off and cast iron bathtubs are twofers.
The church ladies will have a foodstand.
____________________________________
Special and Exceptional Certificate of Outstanding Stewardship For Recognition of Excellence, Representation, Initiative and Influence
Presented to:
Name witheld by request
Presented by:
The National Mullien Growers Association
Sept. 1, 2023
For: Mullien from a Rock
Orville Reddendichly, Chairman
____________________________________
Kresge's Will Anchor
Many listeners of the Gary Burbank show on WLW will remember the famous Plummet Mall.
Now Glavin Development of Cincinnati has announced plans for The Mine Mall.
Over 2000 acres have been acquired in Oxford township. It is the plan for major retailers down to the smallest niche store to open in the side of the mine walls. Each plate glass storefront will have a view of the lakes created by the mining of coal in this rural Coshocton County location.
"We are so excited that Kresge's Five and Dime has decided to anchor our project," said Jerry Glavin, CEO.
It is also expected that JJ Newberry, Jupitor, Senter's Military Discount, Brown Derby and The Cork and Cleaver will announce shortly that they are coming. Howard Johnson's has also committed to build on a neighboring property.
Watch this site for more news on The Mine Mall.
Rarely
The headline says it all. When we say rare we mean extremely rare!
The En Passant Blues Band will make a one time visit to North America next Saturday night.
The trio from Holland will land at the Coshocton International Airport and perform at the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili.
"We are touring in support of our newest album, Don't Pass Me By, Don't Make Me Cry," said Lars Hoorgand the band's lead vocalist and drummer.
The LP features six tunes on side one: Loan Me A Pawn, The Rook is Gone, My Knight at The Days Inn, Joey Bishop was a Capricorn, and I'm a Queen Bee. Side two is a Tom Petty tribute: Kings Road.
Hoorgand will be joined on stage by longtime pals Bram Sneerkly on keyboards and famed guitarist Jan Akkerman's son, Franck.
The evening is sold out already. Streaming options are on local cable channel 88 FZNO.
Delay Explained
Wilomena Levengood, President of The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club, recently explained for the delay in their monthly press release.
"We've been hacked," she said. "Don't know who, what, or why, but somebody got into our system and interjected some very inappropriate and disturbing words."
So, ten days late, here are this month's words for you to start using again:
Claptrap
Tommyrot
Codswallop
Taradiddle
Whozeewhat
These words should be reintroduced into daily diatribes. Especially when responding to online news stories.
Tickets Now On Sale
The Bird's Run Community Theatre has announced that the box office will begin selling tickets for their upcoming production of The Pseudobulbar Mute.
This one-man drama takes place in turn of the century Mingo Junction. The two-act play will feature one (1), 30 (thirty) minute intermission.
Internationally acclaimed actor Edris Ilba is the star and much like Waiting for Guffman, there is talk of not only an OCTA, but also a Tony award and might make it all the way to Broadway.
Opening Night will be announced when 30 tickets are sold.
That's Just Baloney
Coshocton County's only bologna luncheonette, Just Baloney is hearing rumbles that Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is coming to town.
Ricardo (no one knows his last name) the owner, is thankful for the success and hopes Guy does stop by.
"It has been good steady growth," said the chef of the place that only makes bologna sandwdiches.
"Second best thing I done did, was hire the Sterling Cooper Ad Agency," noted Ricardo. "That Don Draper is a genius. He came up with our slogan: That's Just Baloney! Best thing I did, was let my wife leave with him."
Ricardo says that customers come from as far away as Waldo for his bologna.
Asked if he knows the reason for the popularity, Ricardo concluded: "not sure. we fry, we broil, we bake; along with the traditional thin, we feature Lebanon, pickle loaf, trail, we even import Mortadella from Bologna, Italy."
For a slight upcharge, Ricardo will also serve Rittberger's All Beef Bologna. Fried in a black skillet, on an everything bagel with Pearl Valley Swiss, a slice of red onion and Grey Poupon mustard is what won him the coveted Grease House Gold Medal.
Half-time Hit !
The half-time show during the recent Lou Groza League season opener was a huge hit.
While the Marne vs. Plainfield teams were in the locker rooms, The Marching Contrabass Clarinet Ensemble from neighboring Peoli H.S. wowed the fans.
"That might be as good as TBDBITL!" exclaimed Georgia Thorogood. "The script Peoli was special, and having Clete Sweeney (who's put on weight) dot the i was over the top," she added after sipping from her flask.
The MCC Ensemble has 245 students from the region that practice all summer and travel during the fall and winter to various events.
More info and to enquire about joing the musicians go to: www.nothingbettertodo.com
The Lou Groza League is for sixth graders only, and was won by Marne when Plainfield hiked the ball out of the endzone resulting in the final 2-0 score.
Annual Fall Road Race
The 73rd Annual Fall Transcounty Road Race is coming up Saturady October 14th.
This year's course has just been released so the drivers can familiarize themselves with a map, and those who live on the route can plan a day trip away.
This year all cars will leave the Dale Earnhardt FunnyCart Speedway parking lot in Fresno.
The route will take the drivers south on SR 93 to Ironton. In Ironton they will circle around the downtown and head north back to Fresno.
The 2022 Champion, Miss Dolly Partridge is not entered this year as she has an appointment to get her new teeth. This news comes as a relief, as she caused many mishaps enroute to victory last year.
Early Entries
The Wainwright Falls Fall Film Festival has announced the early entrants for this year's event.
Longtime film festival chairman Gurnly Oppenschmidt says that yet again some big names are coming. "Yep, some big names will be coming."
Films entered so far:
Most every night? Really? is the King Harvest Story submitted by the Kurt Loder Project company.
The Surreal Housewives of Tunnel Hill is a Christopher Guest mockumentary. The film will star Jennifer Coolidge and she will be in attendance.
Ken Burn's latest docu-drama, Comfortably Plumb, chronicles the early years of the plumb bob.
And, The Short Story of Howie Long is a 30 minute film submitted by local filmmaker Simon Sesno, son of the popular American Journalist, Frank Sesno and wife Always, who was the executive secretary for Al Davis.
The red carpet opening night festivities kick off the four-day weekend on December 14th per tradition. Sara Silverman will host on cable channel 88 FZNO.
"Yep, that's the last weekend before the first day of Winter," Oppenschmidt confirmed. "That's why it is a 'fall film festival', if we waited another week then it'd be a 'winter film festival'," he said just to be clear.
Wild Times, Again
Seems that every city, village and small berg have a celebration, award or festival.
These celebrations honor their heritage, famous resident, or produce.
You have canal days, tomato festivals, a duct tape festival, spam jam in Hawaii, just any reason to gather.
Well one of the most famous and wildest parties is slated to take place again this weekend.
The Festus Fest is a 4 day event in Birmingham, Ohio a suburb of Peoli.
"Festus Fest celebrates our hometown hero who starred in Gunsmoke," says festival chair Ellen Funt.
"Bring your own lawnchair, food and beverage. We don't provide much here, just portolets," said Funt. "We're not as organized as the Road Kill Cookoff down in Marlington, West Virginia."
The Numbers Are In
Statistics for October have just been released from the local emergency room, and it is definitely a "mast year".
While this has nothing to do with the local Mast family, ABC News reported that the number of nuts falling to the ground make it a mast year.
And with the mass amounts of walnuts, acorns and hickory nuts falling, the injury numbers are way up.
Mariah Kerry, hospital spokeslady, says mild concussions, twisted ankles, bruised tailbones, broken wrists, and such were at record setting levels.
"Yes, record setting levels," she confirmed with a promise of anonymity.
Local politicans are thinking of implementing a "helmet law" for minors next season. Opponents are crying 'overreach'. They say just don't walk under nut trees.
Business News
A recent press release from Paulson's Pinto Pony Farm has indicated that they are consolidating with a western circus horse company.
"We've decided to expand" says Patricia Paulson, Ceo. "When I was contacted by Bailey Circus Horse company to buy them, I said yes as quickly as I could."
Bailey Circus Horses have provided the equine needs for various circus and state fairs for over 100 years.
"Now we aren't just stuck with county fairs, homecomings and mini-mart grand openings. And, our employees aren't just stuck with walking in circles with the pony kid rides," she concluded.
They will cease to provide their ponies for kids birthday parties though.
Vanilla
Mo's Ice Cream Company in Stringtown will now only make vanilla.
"We've had to make the decision that it just isn't worth it to devote all the time and expense of having that many flavors," said Mo.
"I know we'll have to change our 'Many flavors of Mo's' advertising slogan," the owner said. "But it'll be vanilla from here on out."
The retail counter, Mo's Parlor, will have all the flavor bottles of fruit and nut toppings you want, but for wholesale and take home it's just vanilla.
Mo's flavor specialist, Marty Arlington, decided to retire upon hearing the news.
Chef's Special
The football season has had a negative effect on the fine dining business.
The award winning Chef Milton at the Tie-dyed LotusResort in Baltic has put together a unique dining experience for this Saturday.
He calls it a "before the BuckeyesBlue Plate Special."
From 3:30 to 7 pm there will be an all you can eat buffet featuring his popular Chitlins Tartare, Chittlins Con Carne, and Chitterlings Augratin. Adult beverages will be 4 bits.
"Yes high school football on Friday nights, college games all day on Saturdays and the NFL Sunday has kept many from eating out," said the Chef, "so we'll try this."
Reservations are highly suggested.
The Buckeyes v. Notre Dame game kicks off at 7:30. Chef Milton would like to be home before halftime.
Sweeney Bros. to Baltimore
The Fresnonion has just learned that Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are headed to Baltimore for the Browns game this Sunday.
They will be staying at the Stringer Bell Bed and Breakfast.
Omar's Steakhouse has booked them for a Q & A on Saturday night.
A full report on Monday.
Beer News
"Transparent. Our beer is not, but we are." That's how local microbrewery magnate Tommy Youngman opened yesterday's press conference.
Dumb Cluck Brewery Company in Fresno invited the brewery media to their facility yesterday for the purpose of drinking, explaining the tough economic times and 'shrinkflation'.
"Our original Old Style Longneck Wallop will now have an even longer neck cutting the volume by two ounces," said Youngman, "By doing so we will be able to get another bottle of beer for every 5 capped."
In addition, all six-packs will now feature 5 bottles.
"The good news from today though is our seasonal, popular Dumb Cluck Burning Leaf Ale is now available. It really does taste like fall," added Youngman.
"Along with the Fresno Shandy, the Wilson Malt, and the Fowl Stout we are positioned well for the future," slurred the owner.
Youngman is the author of Chicken Lager for the Soul.
Regionals This Weekend
Every hotel room is filled this weekend as competitors and their families are here for the Northeast Regional Tongue Twister Qualifier.
"We start the young off with the usual 'rubber baby buggey bumper' and the like," said National Tongue Twister Association Chairman Shannon Sharples.
"But last years champion, the precocious 13 year old Myrna Masters, was the tops," he noted.
Little Myrna deftly handled Fig Plucker, that usually trips up all contestants.
All know it, all practice it, but few can handle it. If you want to try:
I am not a fig plucker,
I am a fig plucker's son
But I will pluck figs
'Til the fig plucker comes.
Speed and accuracy are the determining factors in declaring winners. Myrna said it in 3 seconds.
Start the kids with woodchuck, peter piper, seashells and fuzzy wuzzy, Shannon shyly suggested .
Eclipse Party Still On!
The always popular Fresno Eclipse Party is still on despite the weather.
Party organizer Barbee Bently says that the event will be held indoors because of the rain and overcast skies.
"Emily and Mike have opened their party barn with the huge projector screen so we can watch the eclipse," said Bently.
The Eclipse starts at 12:13 and ends an hour later, but the party will last until the end of the Ohio State-Purdue game (Emily and Mike have Peacock+).
The Complete Obituary
Cyrus Denton "Dent" Fender 1910-2023, passed away unexpectedly in the early morning hours of September 16th.
Fender lived a complete, eventful, embarassing (to some) life. He was especially noted for having married 32 times.
His life was chronicled in many songs including "Papa was a Rolling Stone" by The Temptations, and "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" by his cousin Freddy Fender, and "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt to name just a few.
"He was a scamp, scoundrel, rascal, scalawag, lout, miscreant, reprobate and cheat," said his 28th wife Tilda.
Fender was responsible for 30 documented divorces, conflicts in Persia, bridges burned in Appalachia, coups in Panama and he emptied many saloons.
His business card listed sales of fly swatters, land, magazines and grocery bags. He is credited with inventing the modern day computer, racing forms, and bongo drums.
He introduced Johnny Cash on stage at Folsom Prison, performed at many bar mitzvahs, and danced on The Lawrence Welk Show with Sissy when Bobby drank the mexican water.
"I just didn't expect him to die so soon," said his current wife Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Elle McSwerline.
There will be no calling hours or service, per the family's wishes. "We just don't want to get all of the living ex wives together in one room," said cousin Lefty. "Heck, reading the will and dividin' the estate is gonna be a donnybrook," he warned.
editors note: the family was at odds on what and how much to include in this obituary. The picture chosen "...best represented his charm and good looks...."
Donations Needed!
Headlines in the morning Denver News-Herald says it all: Sweeney Sits on Sean
Clete Sweeney (who's put on weight) was so incensed on how dirty the Denver Broncos defense played on Sunday afternoon that he confronted Broncos Head Coach Sean Payton.
After a lengthy period of finger pointing, cussing, and chest bumping it is alleged that Clete, who is much larger than Payton, used his old high school wrestling move and took down Payton.
He then proceeded to hold him in a full nelson until the head coach conceded that there might have been some dirty hits on his players part.
After that admission, Clete (who is a large man) rolled the dimunitive Payton over and sat on him until the Head Referee arrived, along with numerous security guards...all thirteen.
Brother Pete has set up a Fund-us page on MyFaceSpace. Help if you can.
Walnuts !
It is the Fall season and the innate need to harvest or 'stock up' for the Winter is kicking in. Especially nuts.
The black walnluts have been falling for a couple of weeks now. A local man has been gathering the "brain food" and says he can deliver if you live a reasonable distance.
He has not raised his prices as they are still 4 for a dollar, or a dozen free. Let him know. If you don't know him, he has dark stained hands these days....
Charity
In the Spring of 1971 little Sunny Flanders heard a song on the radio while riding with her dad to school.
That song, Midnight Rider, inspired her to action.
In that song, Gregg Allman, revealed that he didn't own the clothes he was wearing. That very confession resulted in Sunny organizing a clothes drive for Mr. Allman.
Two years after getting a couple of boxes in the mail, Gregg Allman looked up the fifteen year old and explained that he did, in fact, own clothes.
But Gregg said that should not thwart her efforts to keep collecting clothing for the truly needy. So the Midnight Rider Clothes Drive has continued each year thanks to Sunny.
It is that time of year again, so drop off your donations like you have every year since 1971. Sunny says there are still "truly needy."
Truly Charitable
In an effort to rebuild his reputation, Greg Norman has gifted Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney with memberships in the most exclusive golf club in history.
The Shell Bay Club's $1,000,000.00 initiation fee has been paid for by the course designer.
"I know it's gonna cost me a little more buying them proper golf attire, but they've been such good ambassadors for golf that I wanted to show the world that I can be nice," said the Aussie when told that Pete always wears a faded Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon tee shirt, cargo shorts and crocs.
When contacted about the gift, Clete (who is slightly portly) said: "I hope their jumbo all beef hot dogs are as good as the ones I get at Zoar Golf Club."
"I gotta get soft spikes in my shoes," said Pete. "I heard they don't like metal spikes anymore. What's up with that? and I hope to meet and tell Greg 'thanks', I didn't know he was still alive to be truthful."
The Sweeneys are looking for host families for when they come to the Miami area.
More Stores Commit
We recently broke the news about The Mine Mall being developed in Oxford Township.
The store space that will be developed in the side of the mine walls overlooking the mine lakes are rapidly being claimed.
Gadzooks, Blockbuster, Thom McCann Shoes, Filene's Dept. Store, Tower Records and Circuit City have all committed according to Glavin Developers.
The former location of The Athletic Club in downtown Coshocton is The Mine Mall development headquarters.
Gerry Glavin is the point man. See him for questions, ideas, employment or free coffee.
Families Sought
The Villagesin Central Florida has started a concerted effort to recruit more residents with children.
"We've noticed over the years that our properties are inhabited by couples without children," said spokesperson Louise Rawls.
So with that in mind, The Villages has implemented an advertising campaign similar to Las Vegas that portrays them as "family friendly".
"We're hoping to attract families that have children because we are missing out on crying children in church, football in the neighbor's yard, teenagers garage band rehersals and college dropouts tuning up their '68 Camaro at 11pm," noted Rawls.
Rawls and her committee, Everyone's Welcome, is also investigating on how The Villages can become a 'sanctuary city'.
Louise said she welcomes comments on her MyFaceSpace. For those wanting to remain anonymous go to #getoffmylawn.
Only For The Astute
The Advanced and Excelerated Third Grade Class at Fresno Elementary have a new subject this semester.
Semantics for A Lifetime will be taught by new staffer Dr. Gerald Een. Dr. Een comes to Fresno from the prestigious Geurnsey Catholic School system.
"I will devote most of the class to formal semantics," said Dr. Een. "But the class wouldn't be complete if I didn't touch on lexical and conceptual as well."
"We will eliminate recess and study hall just before lunch, to work this in," said Principal Virgil Duckworth. "Our third-graders are truly inspirational. And by eliminating recess we eliminate sweat and bloody knees."
The syllabus can be found on the school's MyFaceSpace page. The manual, written by Dr. Een, can be purchased at the school's book store for $279.00. Make sure you get the 4th edition.
T.E.N.S. Brunch Set
The local chapter of the Temporary Empty Nest Syndrome (T.E.N.S.) mothers have scheduled their "back to school" brunch.
Chapter President Monica Mulally says, "It has been months that we have waited for this day."
That 'day' is Monday, the first day of school.
"We know that it is temporary; that around 3 o'clock the nest will start to fill back up. But, we will enjoy the few hours in between," she acknowledged.
The brunch will be held at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium. Mimosas and the entire Dirty Sal's Brunch Cocktail menu will be available.
All first-timers are encouraged to attend. The $50 membership fee goes to "thank-you" gift cards for the teachers.
Topic of the day: How I Spent My Summer Vacation.
The Snow Crabs Are Missing
Word out of Alaska is that billions of snow crabs have gone missing. So much so that they cancelled their snow crab harvest for the second year in a row.
In a related note, Chef Milton at The Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic is having an unscheduled CrabFest special this week.
All you can eat crab cakes, crab legs and crab chowder for 4.99. Kids eat for free and Clete Sweeney (who has put on weight) is banned.
The Crab Souffle dessert is extra.
Nature's Torment
It's always alarming when a tv station has to report on the Texas Toe-Biter.
What isn't always news is the growing feral Shih Tzu packs that are roving the hillsides of southern Ohio.
"Yea, it's gotten a bit out of hand," said Stevie McKing of the Governor's Office of Pests, Nuisanaces, and Other Annoyances.
"We have not noted any rabies or extreme madness in these dogs, but the sheer numbers are of concern," McKing said with dismay.
"We are constantly seeking advice from anyone on just how to solve this vexing bane," he concluded.
A comprehensive report can be found at:www.shitzu-rescue.org
Cheese
Seems there is a book out there about cheese. And it is a very old book.
The University of Leeds has obtained the 'pamflyt' that was writen in 1580.
This desk is trying to confirm that the writings make reference to the Stalder and the Hicks names as integral to the food culture. As of yet we haven't been able to check out the book. The Fresno Library does not have an inter-library agreement with Leeds.
This historical find does fuel the old debate: Is cheese the 5th food group?
Business News
Glen and Imagene Rosenberg have announced that they are the east coast distributors of an exciting new lawn ornament.
Re-tired is a new line of lawn ornament that utilizes discarded auto tires.
"We saw them at the Las Vegas Lawn and Gardenconvention last month," said Glen.
The Rosenbergs have long been known as a source for all types of lawn ornaments. The pink flamingo, the small windmill, the bird bath and especially 'the big-butted lady in a polka dot dress bending over' are their best sellers.
Now comes the tires that are painted, stacked as a planter, contorted into yard art, and just the single tire with your house number.
The Rosenbergs have scheduled a grand revealing garden party for this coming weekend.
"We will also sell in bulk to the creative artist that wants to do something just a little artsy," said Imagene using her fingers to air quote "artsy".
You can view all product on their website: www.iwentoagardenparty.com
Fresno, Ohio
The hippest village east of Marfa, Tx
Benning(as if we needed to tell you)
Be on the look-out when hiking
Sweeneys OK at Burning Man
We have just received word that Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are alive and ok at Burning Man.
Even though thousands are stuck in the mud, "we are making the best of it," says Pete.
Clete was stuck, literally, in the mud. He stepped out of their camper and took two steps while sinking to his waist.
A group effort of throwing ropes and winch cable from trucks close by got him up and out.
"We sure used a lot of bottled water cleaning that big boy off," said Pete.
"Lost my boots," glumly noted Clete. "they were brand new Cosmic Cowboys."
Their status for attending the NFL Opener in Cleveland is questionable.
A Leak
Have you ever wondered where all of the helium comes from when you see a party balloon?
Well, a quiet little company located in the hillside smack dab in the middle of the Fresno-Chili-Pearl village triangle countryplex is the answer.
The Heaton Helium Company supplies 90% of the world's helium and recently secured their near monopoly by purchasing a 600,000 acre swath on the island of Baffin.
Scientists have just discovered that earth is leaking helium from it's core at Baffin.
Company President Tim Heaton says "we couldn't afford to do it and we couldn't afford not to."
"We do helium," he continued, "But we weren't prepared for the residents of Baffin....they all talk funny."
What A Trip!
Pete and Clete Sweeney were in Baltimore this weekend for the exciting Browns game.
Not only did the Browns leave with a victory, but the Sweeney's Q & A Saturday night at Omar's Steakhouse lasted into the wee hours.
Clete (who has put on weight) ordered every red and white meat item on the menu. He says seafood is out when he's on the road.
Pete, after a couple of drinks, went off on the officiating. He claims the guys with a whistle have cost him tens of dollars on DraftKings.
Then late Sunday they had a flat tire in Hagerstown.
Pete says there were quite a number of Brown's fans there, one nice lady gave him some aspirin.
Clete says the stadium food was better than most.
Sweeney's Are Busy
Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney will be busy the next couple of days.
Pete is doing play-by-play of the Packers at Lions game on Thanksgiving Day. Clete will handle color commentating and trying to spot tackles. He did note that the press box will be catered.
Then on Friday they are in New York City for the morning show circuit. First on Morning Joe (Clete hopes Mika is there too), The Today Show and Rachel Ray Show. Clete said he will help her cook. They are also alternates on the chain gang for the Dolphins-Jets game.
Saturday finds the Sweeneys in Ann Arbor for the Buckeyes at Wolverines. Their mama was a Buckeye while daddy was a Michigander. They say game day was a hoot growing up.
From Michigan they will drive all night to cover the Browns v. Broncos game. Pete will do most of the work there as Clete can't handle the thin air much.
Bibby Graduates
Bobby and Libby Bibby are proud to announce that their son, Scooter, has completed his education at Strasburg State University.
Bibby was top of his class in the chimney sweep department garnering the Summa Sweeper Cum Laude designation.
Scooter will be returning to his hometown and can be contacted on his MyFaceSpace page for work.
When contacted about his son's accomplishment, Bobby Bibby said, "it's about time, heck he's 39 years old! I've been retired for three years now. Hopefully he'll move out."
The younger Bibby will be joining the Chimney Sweepers Alliance and will apprentice out of the Pittsburgh Office. He says he will also clean and refurbish fireplace tools.
Mother Libby says she'll throw a party as soon as they get her son moved back from Strasburg.
Enjoy Opens Today
Joy Loy, twin sister of Lorna Loy, has opened a Cosmopolitan Martini Bar right next door to Lorna's Laundry.
"I just thought it would be a neat place to spend some time while waiting on your clothes," said Ms. Loy.
Enjoy will be a place to also gather after work, before work or instead of work she noted.
"We'll make all cosmo's known to mankind and use nothing but locally sourced vodka which of course is the popular Dundee Vodka," Joy promised.
She also promised that the music will be fun, uplifting, and happy. "No blues music on the jukebox at Enjoy !"
That leaves one storefront still available in the mini-strip mall on Perry Avenue at the six-way light.
Vanderbilt
Sweeneys Return
Pete and Clete Sweeney returned from their Ryder Cup experience on Tuesday afternoon.
Pete was in charge of caddy supplies and said he had no issues whatsoever.
Clete (who has put on a little weight) was in charge of snacks at the turn for the players. He said all players were respectful and Scottie Scheffler even tipped him!
Clete was caught in the kerfuffle in the parking lot between Rory McIlroy and 'Bones Mackay'. {video} That's Clete in the blue shirt and blue hat.
"I was just trying to get Bones a Twix bar and next thing I know there's Rory. I said Rory have a snickers, you're acting like Marsha," said the portly Sweeney.
The Sweeney boys did attend Patrick Cantlay's wedding on Monday. This desk is trying to get pictures. Word is Clete had too much drink and danced with 3 bridesmaids all at once....with the best part being when 'he put his wholeself in and shook it all about.'
Reptilian Response
After North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson recently revealed that there's a ruling class of secretive reptiles, there has been a strong retort.
"We do not operate in a 'secretive' fashion," says Ken Stabler, chairman of R.A.D.L. (reptilian anti-defamation league). "We are as out in the open as the world permits."
The saurian crowd has gone mostly unnoticed, usually recognized shopping at or working at Wally Mart, or partying with Sgt. Stedenko and ZZ Top.
"I don't know why Mr. Robinson has chosen this time to single us out, and expose us. We try so hard to have the world assimilate. We really do want to just get along," concluded Stabler.
The complete prepared comments on this matter can be found on:www.sneakysnake.com
The Sweeneys Are Out !
Word has been confirmed back home that Pete and Clete (who has put on weight) Sweeney are safely back on the road from Burning Man.
What turned into a mud bowl held up their return and jeopardized their attendance at the Browns-Bengals NFL Opener this Sunday.
And the news gets even better that after decades of volunteering, they have been named fourth alternate chain crew.
What's more is the historic announcement that their sister (Irene) Reeney has been named third alternate for the down marker. If those in front of her get injured, sick or otherwise removed, she will be the first female to work the sidelines!
Clete promises pictures.
CBS Drops 60 Minutes
The iconic news magazine 60 Minutes has been cancelled on CBS.
"We just can't afford the exhorbitant salaries, production costs, and devoting a full hour to that type of format," said an unnamed source. "And paying the reporters to just sit around and wait for football to end was not good business."
However, local cable channel 88 FZNO has picked up the rights.
"We will shorten the show a bit," said Junior Assistant Program Director Shelly Ann Sanders.
38 Minutes will feature reporters Pot Skelly, Nora McDonnel, Leslie Stalder, Mark Wallace and Nan Rather.
The first episode is scheduled for next Sunday and will investigate the regional ground mole population explosion.
Glamping Season Ending Soon
The highly popular Fresno Glampground for high end conestoga wagons has announced that their gates close on Oct 22nd.
"The value added prairie schooner has been a nice market to tap into," said property manager Derb Tarlik.
Tarlik's wife owns the land and Derb didn't want to plow anymore so he started a campground that morphed into "glamping" which is glamour camping. "And folks can get alot of money tied up in one of those wagons," he noted.
Those interested in exploring the conestoga should contact the Conestoga Wagon Company.
All wagons and personal property must be removed so the Tarliks can clean and winterize before heading to their off-season island in the south pacific.
Local Fresno Chamber President Tommy Stiltner said the regional economy thrives because of the rich glampers.
Good Conduct
The news desk at the FresnOnion has just learned that after 234 years, the Supreme Court of The United States now has to have a code of ethics.
It seems that somewhere along the line, a Justice got a free ham salad sandwich or something of value - without paying for it!
We're not sure what prompted her, but Justice Amy Comey Barrett said,"maybe that would be a good idea," when asked about their inability to 'do the right thing'.
The Ten Commandments weren't good enough.
Their oath of office wasn't good enough.
Now they have to think twice before somebody buys them a beer, or decide to quit making payments for their pop-up camper.
More News You Probably Should Not Believe
5 Day Brunch Special
Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium in West Bedford is having their yearly brunch special.
The Thanksgiving Day leftovers provide all ingredients needed. Stuffing waffles, mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy topped with cranberry sauce.
"We do it every year," says Harry Pelvistein, Jr. the Junior Assistant day manager of the counter area. "It's a good way to get rid of leftovers. Lots of folks do it at home, the key is having a good, seasoned waffle iron."
Dirty Sal's brunch is served from 11 to 1 for five days, then the health department frowns on serving week-old gravy.
Old Farmer's or Harry's ?
The new edition of OLD FARMER'S ALMANAC is out, and is predicting a cold winter for most.
However, the locals rely far more heavily on Harry's Almanac.
Harry's has correctly predicted this region's winter months for the past 44 years.
"I just seem to have a knack for understanding the weather," said Harry.
And what about this winter?
"Balmy, mild and dry. You should be able to get at least 9 rounds of golf in each month," he said.
Harry's Almanac is sold everywhere alcohol is served.
Another List of Words
The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released their suggestions of five words to use again:
Blatherskite
Horsefeathers
Gobbledegook
Piffle
Keen
Wilomena Levengood, Chairperson, says to use these words when talking about your boorish cousins at Thanksgiving.
Each month Levengood and her students peruse the many suggestions submitted. To make your suggestions go their MyFaceSpace page or message them on instaXtok.
Lorna Buys Laundrette
Lorna Loy has purhased the old Dutton Laundrette on Perry Avenue at the six-way light.
"I have thoroughly cleaned, disinfected and de-cluttered the place," said Loy. "It had been closed for twenty years. They had trouble tracking down all the Dutton's out in Wyoming to settle the estate. I also put in newer magazines and detergent dispensers,"
She plans on also devoting space for a laundromat.
"We'll wash and press, but not dry clean," said the new owner. "Please bring your own hangers."
Loy also said the old practice of leaving your clothes in the washing machine and taking someone elses jeans has to stop.
Lorna's Laundry opens Monday. Lorna also wants to hire some ladies that know to clean the lint filter.
Coming tomorrow: Lorna's twin sister, Joy, to open a Cosmopolitan Bar next door.
Making Lemonade
This is a gruesome story with an uplifting ending.
As your mother always said, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
So out of bad comes something good.
Seems that for years now detached human feet - in shoes - have been washing up on the shores of the pacific northwest.
Well it has happened again, in July.
As awful as these stories are, Julian Edelmansor has started a project to repurpose those single shoes.
"I'll wash, clean, and sterilize that single shoe and donate to those in need of just a single shoe," said Julian.
"And each shoe will be documented with the story of how it was found," added Edelmansor. "Just a conversation starter for first dates and the like."
You can contact him through his MyFaceSpace page.
Following Her Grandmother
You will recall in an earlier report that in 1971 Little Sunny Flanders started a clothes drive for Gregg Allman because she heard him sing that he doesn't own the clothes he's wearing.
Well all of these years later, her granddaughter Erin McCormackerel has been moved to encourage us to be 'pen pals'.
Seems that she heard the sad lyrics of Statesboro Blues about one's parents passing away:
… Well, my momma died and left me
My poppa died and left me
I ain't good looking, baby
But I'm somewhat sweet and kind
So little Erin has started a pen pal movement to write to sad and lonely musicians.
More information can be found at: www.sadandlonelyanddownandoutmusiciansandroadies.com
Invitations Are Out
With the coming of Labor Day Weekend, The High Point on Your Social Calendar is a week away.
The storied Fresno Civic Hall and Cafeteria will be the site again this year.
Civic Hall manager Leonardo Snively acknowledges it is a lot of work, but "We so look forward to the evening. This will be the fortieth year in a row we have hosted The High Point on Your Social Calendar."
Summer Whites are the required attire and rsvp's are due in by the 31st.
Zeke 'N Eddie are once again providing musical entertainment. They will provide music for drinks before dinner, and dancing after. We are hearing that they have prepared a set devoted to the merseybeat era. Local import Talulah Clark (Petula Clark's second cousin) will sit in on some vocals.
Busy, Busy, Busy
What was supposed to be a rejuvenating trip to Burning Man, and then a fun college ball game in Colorado, and then the exciting Cleveland Browns opener, turned into a nightmare on the road.
Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney were stuck in the mud in Nevada as reported earlier.
Then, flights were delayed out of Boulder after the Buffaloes game. Seems all flights out were a little late as the Nebraska fans were suffering from 'rockymountainhigh' syndrome.
But eventually the Sweeneys made it to the Browns v. Bengals game. Pete says the defense was impressive; Clete says the food was good.
Uncommon In These Parts
World famous country rapper Lapp Dogg will be performing tonight at the Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili.
"Our bus broke down," said Mr. Dogg explaining why he is here.
"I've always heard about 'the Ames' and decided to make some money while we waited for the bus to get fixed," he said.
Copies of Lapp Dogg's newest release: Mr. Hood in the Corral on Hi Fidelity Stereo LP Album, CD, Cassette and 8-track will be available for purchase, autograph and selfie.
Also, anyone who knows how to work on a a Britannia bodied Leyland Tiger Cub that used to be part of the Great Orme Tours, should contact Lapp. The owners manual is included, but you need to know to read british.
There are freebies involved.
Winner, Winner - Burger (?) Dinner
By now we have all heard that Subway has offered free subs for life if you change your name to "Subway."
Well they stole that idea from the local franchise Bun 'N Run.
Franchisee Phillip McNicholson has announced that Robert Miller will now be known as Bobby BunNrun.
"I just love them there burgers," said Bobby. "Lookin' to eat there tonight again," he added.
"That boy ain't right," said his parents.
Author In Residence
The Antioch College Library Branch in Fresno will again host an Author In Residence.
Each September a writer that is working on his, her, or their second publication is hosted in the Writer's Haus up on the hill.
This year Basil Cleese will be moving in for a month as he continues to work on his second novel: Exceptional Quotidian.
Cleese's first novel was a non-fiction piece about the seminal mid sixties rockabilly band: Dirt Diamond and the Moissanites. While it was not a 'best seller' it sold ok.
Basil says his newest effort is about an avant garde tuba player who got caught cheating in the regional euchre tournament.
Visitor Numbers Revised
The administrators at White Sands National Park in New Mexico have been forced to change the all time attendence figures.
CNN reported earlier this year that there were people on the White Sands grounds before they started to take attendance.
Park Director Edwin Gonzalez says that this is a game changer as they should get more funding retroactive to 20,000 years ago.
Assemblyman Ging Newtrich says "no."
Stottleberg Retires From Tour
The Lake Lila Country Club is announcing they have inked Renee Stottleberg to a three-year contract.
Stottleberg, who has had immense success on the ladies tour recently retired from the tournament life.
"We are so very, very pleased to announce that Renee will settle into the day to day role of Acting Professional & Director of Activities here at The Lake Lila Country Club," said board director Dan Hackerbracht.
Stottleberg is currently on holiday at her island in St. Kitts. She did send an instaXtok message saying how excited she is to start in March.
She did finish her "retirement tour season" with 4 wins.
She won The Invitational at The Burmese Golf and Trout Club, The Ladies Roundup at The Madagascar CC, defended her title at The Alta Weiss Invitational hosted by The Ragersville Golf and Swiss Cheese Club and The Peruvian Masters where she was 8 time winner.
Stottleberg's responsibilities will be leagues, lessons and The Joe Walsh Invitational (Joe Bonamassa has won 3 years in a row).
Horton's Gourd
New Paint Colors
Local paint manufacturer Color My World has announced they will have new colors for 2024.
Company President Willie Sherwin says the one they have worked on perfecting for a decade is the Whiter Shade of Pale.
"We've been perfecting that for longer than a decade, I'd say at least ten years now, and are happy to finally offer it to the public," said Sherwin.
Also now ready for the distribution to retailers will be:
Purple Haze
Bluer than Blue
Red Red Wine
Mellow Yellow
Band of Gold
Pale Blue Eyes
Local master paint-shaker at East Bedford Hardware, Garfield Gotchall, says he is looking forward to the new colors.
"I like to mix new colors with old paint for my side hustle I call 'thrown paint on plywood'," said Garfield.
Garfield's Gallery, The GGG, is open on Monday's, his day off from the hardware store, and evenings after supper.
A Rare Appearance
The Creekside(pronounced: crikside)5 will make a once in a lifetime journey into the area on October 23rd.
The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili has announced the booking.
"We are so excited to ink them to this concert in our historic venue," said stage manager Olaf Poundstone.
The Creekside(pronounced: crikside)5, from Valle Crucis, NC, are world reknowned for their hilbilly doo wop harmonies.
The singers are touring in support of their new CD titled Strange Days? You Betcha! The first single release, The Night They Drove Fat Dixie to Town, is racing up the charts.
Culprits Caught, finally
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe says that after an exhausting period of surveillance and 'old fashioned police work' he has caught the perps.
"I tell ya it was just like domestic terrorism what these kids have been doing," said Trupe.
"These kids" he is referring to is a band of tenth graders who have been illegally entering homes in a two county wide area. They are not stealing or causing damage, they are rearranging the furniture.
"People would come home and find the living room or den not how they left it," offered Rollie.
"Actually a couple folks just left it because they said the 'fung-schway' (sic) whatever that means, was better," concluded Trupe who used air quotes and rolled his eyes.
The students were released to their parents and immediatly hired by Darnold Designed Interiors.
Want Ads
A local group of musicians is in need of a drummer.
The Emulators from Keene High School have been rehearsing for over 4 months now and feature lead guitar, rhythm guitar, bass, keyboards, and a horn section to make Stan Kenton jealous, but their drummer graduated early and is enrolled at Stanford.
The band has 4 lady "groupies" that handle tambourine, cowbell, wood block and back up vocalizing as instructed by Clare Torry, a current Fresno resident.
The Emulators are all exceptional in the computer sciences and desire the successful applicant be like minded. He/she/they must also have their own kit. Songwriting is a plus, and if you can sing, you'll probably get the gig because no one else can.
The Emulators first single, Sexy Software, is on Billboard's Hot 100 at #99 with a bullet. The B-side of their 45 rpm, Programming your Host System, is a staple on FM progressive radio.
Contact the band on MyFaceSpace.
"They Are Coming!"
The Capybara Migration Monitoring Committee has sounded the alarm. The South American rodent, Capybara, has started to make his presence known in the USA.
Committee chairperson, Elanor Hosselfelt, says "We've been keeping an eye on these critters for years now. Something is gonna hafta be done. Probably build a wall or whatnot."
If you see a Capybara on your property or when you are out and about, please report to the authorities.
"And write your legislator or Mayor or city council," said Hosselfelt. "If we let them take over, then our American Groundhog will be a minority!"
Once a Year
Just as the groundhog emerges on Februrary 2nd, The Basket-necked Multipede of Fresno comes out on October 2nd.
This morning the national media and local folk witnessed the yearly crawl of the prehistoric arthropod.
"You know that fall is here when you see one of those," said Gustov Swartzenbrubber.
The ladies of the church sold donuts.
Buffaloe Backers
A local chapter of Buffaloe Backers has been formed to cheer on the Colorado Buffaloe football team.
It seems that Deion 'Primetime' Sanders has quite a fan base here. A schoolbus has been re-purposed for road trips and will leave the church parking lot Thursday night to make the trip to Boulder.
The Buffaloes are coming off of an opening day upset of TCU and will face Nebraska next.
Local chapter membership fees are $300. That will cover transportation, food and beverage on the bus.
Contact local chapter President Edgar "Big Time" Hanratty on his MyFaceSpace page for more information on membership and corporate sponsorship.
note from Hanratty: if you weigh over 300 pounds (like him) you will need to purchase 2 memberships for 2 seats.
A One-man Act
The long awaited theatre production of Red! hits the boards this weekend at the Shady Bend Little Theatre.
Local thespian Billy Gump has written, produced and will star in the production of Red!The life and times of Red Meyers.
"I have honed the story to keep it under 4 hours," said Gump.
The green room will open at 8 and the lights go down at 9 each evening. There will be a round-table discussion after each performance.
"The man had many friends from Mickey Mantle to Frankie Avalon," said Gump referring to Red. "That period as well as his high school sports adventures will be prominent in the story," concluded the actor.
Another Ramble
There will be another pop-up Midnight Ramble at the Millers Dip Grange Hall tonight at 6pm.
Local boys, The Stone Rollers, will serve as house band.
Doors open at 5:55 and close at 8:45 as the grange hall manager wants to be home in time for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire Reunion Special. Will Smith might punch someone.
'mullien from a rock'
Rocky Sues Saloon
Rocky Raccoon has filed a lawsuit in Montana Federal Court.
Rocky is charging the local saloon in the Black Mountain Hills for failure to provide the minimum necessities.
After checking himself in, and even though he brought his own gun, the only thing there was Gideon's Bible. No bedsheets, no pillowcases, no stocked mini-bar, not even a chocolate on the pillow.
When contacted by members of the press, Rocky said "I am asking for small damages financially but I'll be better as soon as I am able....."
A Unique Event
An unusual occurance of combined booksigning, live stream lecture and podcast will take place Monday evening.
Through a generous grant from the Harrigan Foundation, pulitzer prize winning author Calvin Hobbson will talk about his newest effort: Demerits and Blackmarks - Trouble in elementary school.
Hobbson was unable to advance out of the sixth grade until he was sixteen. He drove to school the final three months that year. He dated the Junior Prom Queen Fawn Purim, and shaved everyday.
Hobbson, who grew up in Fresno, will take the stage at the Fresno Civic Hall at 8 pm.
Local Cable Channel 88-FZNO will stream the evening while Paul Giamatti will host the author on his ChinWag podcast.
Hobbson will sign the books and pose for selfies afterwards.
The church ladies will have a foodstand.
White Eyes Valley Cricket League Standings
1st: Fresno Humbletons *
2nd: Powellville Sledders *
3rd: The CR 2 Ungersons
4th: Chili Challengers
5th: Pearl Valley Wheyboys
6th: Lafayette Francos
7th: Mowery Holler Louders
8th: Shady Bend Little Kings
9th: Isletta Gardners
Pokeberry, what is it good for......?
.....absolutely nothin'. That's what most people think.
This is the time of year that the American Pokeweed is bearing it's fruit.
We were taught at an early age on how to make the distinction between the pokeberry and the elderberry.
All parts of the pokeweed – berries, roots, leaves and stems – are poisonous to humans. Although some think that if you boil the leaves long enough the poisons are removed for poke salad.
The berries do make a nice purple dye, according to Clive Donckers of the Donckers Dye Company of Dresden.
"We make all the colors..." said Donckers, "...have been for decades now. Dyes for all fabrics, kinda proud of that," he noted.
So if your wife spills bleach on your Minnesota Vikings jersey you can use pokeberry dye to fix it.
october OCTOBER October OCTOBER
thanks for reading the fresnonion. please forward to both of your friends.
Hours Extended
The Holmesville Samsonite Museum has announced that the hours for the holidays are posted.
"We will be open on Fridays now that the traditional holiday tourist season is here," said museum curator Maxine Hammerfer.
"Our Holiday Luggage Wing has been re-staged. The Vanderbilt donation of 1930's luggage was awsome," Maxine offered.
So the hours will now be noon to 4pm on Fridays and Saturdays.
Holmesville Samsonite Mine is also looking for help. Their miners work three weeks in the deep mine, and off for 2 weeks.
Fresno Dogs Don't Bite
Earlier this summer the statistics released by the US Postal Service about dog bites were very favorable for Fresno mail (men,women,people).
The story revealed that California and Texas had the most bites, Fresno reported ZERO!
And that is why delivering mail here is a very coveted job. We only have the best because cream rises to the top.
Unlike MLB umpires.
Vocation or Avocation?
Some do it for a living, others do it to raise a little extra spending money.
The topic of panhandling will be discussed tonight at the Making Life Better monthly lecture. Doors will open at 7:30 at the Reese's Crossing Event Center.
World famous panhandler Abner Philcot will touch on the art of "....getting others to hand over their money...."
He says you can't start too young, and the elderly have more success.
"Watching your ten year old get a sawbuck is so gratifying," noted Abner.
Philcot added that the importance of: "your handmade sign, apparel and location," will be emphasized.
Philcot will also be available to autograph his best-seller: Ask and You Get, Don't and You Won't
A Porch Pirate
A story out of Georgia has shed a light on a local as well as a regional problem.
That of porch piracy. But this guy stole a porch (channel 5 story).
While that is unique it does reveal the regional barter system.
One porch will get you 4 hubcaps, or a case of beer, or shotgun shells, a quarter of a hog. The list is long
And when you barter no taxes are collected. That is the real problem here. According to local tax collector Herman Hermosa, "My estimations are we miss out on about 40% of the revenue."
That would smooth a lot of gravel roads.
Sweeneys Are Swifties?
Word is starting to slowly leak about the relationship between Pete Sweeney and Taylor Swift.
Seems that Clete (who has put on weight) passed a note to Taylor in the airport last week. The Sweeney boys were returning from the Ryder Cup and Swift was flying back from Kansas City.
Swift did not attend the KC football game in Buffalo because she was dining with Pete at the Tie-Dyed Lotus in Baltic!
"He did leave the house wearing his best corduroy jacket," said Clete. "He couldn't button it though."
Chef Milton confirmed the intimate luncheon he prepared for the couple.
Sale! Sale! Sale!
Odom's Electronics, the anchor store in Grewell's mini mall, is having his first ever Black Friday Sale.
"Yea, never done such a thing," said Vladamir Odom, "It goes against everything I know about business."
CB Radios, scanners, walkie talkies and shortwave radios are all marked down according to Vlad.
"Why discount my product? I ask myself. But others are doing it today so I will try," said Odom. He did confirm that sales have been down the last couple of decades.
"I will also include a laminated copy of police codes with every scanner sold," promised the store's owner.
Odom's Electronics will be open until 11 tonight and until the Buckeyes game is over tomorrow. He validates parking and prefers you shop without children.