Derby Boys

This news desk has dispatched Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney to the Kentucky Derby.

We hope to have a full report on what they witnessed and experienced later this week.

Upon departure, Clete said he would explore the Woodford Reserve angle, but would not be wearing his traditional Derby Plaid blazer.  "It's a little snug," he declared.


Early ID

The newly formed government's Office Of Intelligence Identification (OII) has tagged a two month infant for monitoring.

This young lady, Ellie M, has been singled out as a future "Hawking".  

OII  Executive Director, Gurn Gedway, says this is a result of the generous endowment from the Stephen Hawking Foundation in the United Kingdom.

"This little one displays all of the traits and characteristics of an exceptional brain and will be one of the world's smartest," said Gedway. 

"When she turns six she will begin in the 6th grade. We believe her to be that smart," Gurn added.

The prodigy's parents have already signed a 'future' employment contract with Battelle in Columbus, Ohio and will administer the $900.000 per year salary until she's 18.

Ellie M and her parents live in a small town in Ohio and wish to remain anonymous.

​"We're afraid of getting new relatives that want a loan," said her dad.


     Intern Solves Message

Another intern from Strasburg State University  has shone brightly this summer.

Eloise Hinter said she likes to solve puzzles.

Seems there have been mysterious radio signals coming from the sun of all places, as reported by the astute and keenly intelligent Frank Landymore at futurism.com.

There have been radio signals detected from outer space bombarding the earth for decades, but nothing like this.

Hinter says that she noticed a pattern, created an algorithm, deciphered the code and translated the following message:
"A.C. broke. Send HVAC guy. It's hot."

Eloise, a resident of California was glad to get the internship at The University of California, Berkley, which is just up the road from her home.

She received a $25 gift card from The Big Sur Surf-Smoke & Shirt Shop.

A I Hits Home

Artificial Intelligence (AI) has been in the news quite a bit lately.  We've been warned for decades.

Now it seems that high school sports officials are being forced to confront the issue.

Local golf phenom, Stephen Hesterberg, has paired artificial intelligence with his golf game.

Hesterberg has developed a hat that stimulates neurotransmitters and sends a signal to his brain.

Over the past year, while practicing on the range if he felt he had just hit a perfect 6 iron he would hit "save".  

He did that for all golf shots that could be needed in a round.  When he "thought" of the perfect wedge shot, his brain would send the signal to his muscles and the results were mindblowing.

He came in second at the state finals because he got a bad bounce on the last hole.  He hadn't practiced the 150 yard, low hook around a tree, over a pond to a front pin.

Hesterberg, a sophomore, will testify before a joint committee from  Congress and High School Athletic Directors in August.

Pervent

Frosst

Fries

Bonus Word

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club  was supposed to be off for the summer.

But one "holdover", Ali McNally, has released one word for us to use again in day to day dialogue.

"The word I think one should use today is: hobbeldehoy," said McNally.

Wilomena Levengood, the Club's pedagogue said, "I am so very pleased with Ali's initiative, her moxie, her enthusiasm, her attention to this matter." 

Levengood made her comments from the family summer home near Mont Saint-Clair on the south coast of France.

Ali said she will probably have an abbreviated list again next month, so be alert.

The CCC Opens Tonight!

The ribbon cutting ceremony, a meet and great mixer, and VIP preview will be held this afternoon for The Chili Convention Center.

"It's been years in development, and now we are so proud to show off our new baby," said CCC managing director Horst Hemmingway.

Along with our sister facility, The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall, Chili is now the perfect destination for all things entertainment.

After today's festivities, the floor will be cleared and preparations will begin for the first event: A sports memorabilia merchandise show. 

A detailed description of the upcoming calendar for The CCC can be found on their InstaFace account.

Biz News

Local egg producer Pat Tee has announced big plans for expansion.

Her company, Eggs to a T, has purchased the Longaberger Basket  office tower on the east edge of Newark.

The abandoned building will be retro-fitted for one million hens.  

Through a grant from the Breakfast Diners of America Coalition, Tee will now be able to supply enough eggs for morning breakfasts nationwide.

The Licking County Sewer Authority has agreed to loan the Marne Sewer District the money to handle the solid waste from this venture.

Tee also plans to open a small plant to press pulp into egg cartons.

In addition, the top floor will be for food service from 5:30 am until 1 pm.

"We'll serve breakfast as well as egg salad sandwiches for lunch," noted Tee.

When told of the plans, local resident John Baldry said, "that's a lot of eggs in one basket."

New Cruise

We've all heard of Caribbean cruises, Alaskan cruises, River cruises and now there is the Creek Cruise.

Skeet Sweeney, dockmaster at the White Eyes Docks says that Carney Cruise Lines have leased the newly renovated and expanded Dock #4.

"They tell me that there are plans for affordable cruises up the Mighty White Eyes Creek," said Sweeney.

Cinda Swanson the public relations VP for Carney Cruise Lines says they will be debuting their newest sleek 5 story 'creek cruiser'. 

"It will feature four decks with 5 rooms on each deck.  The room will have windows out each side.  The top deck will be for indoor/outdoor dining and martinis," Swanson noted.

Sweeney says that when the creek cruiser is away from dock, all houseboats and pontoons must be tied off in the east branch or west branch of the Mighty White Eyes Creek.

The Mighty White Eyes Creek Cruise will begin Mother's day weekend.  

He Missed One Thing

After a year long mission of living in a simulated Mars habitat, the 4 person NASA crew emerged recently.

While the story talks about the astronauts, very little was said about Verl Bartles the fifth occupant.  

Verl was the janitor.

His wife met him on the emerge date and after a nice long kiss, she handed him the one thing he said he missed more than anything else:  Roscoe Barbeque.

"Brisket and Ribs, now that's what I call a welcome home" said Verl.

2nd Location

Local power couple Myrtle and Glenn Zygot have announced the purchase of the former Wayne Manor.

"It is our intention to open another Bed and Beverage after the renovations," said Myrtle.

Their wildly popular bed and beverage, out on CR 10, is sold out every Thursday through Sunday morning for the next 4 years.

Glenn has the largest stocked bar in the country.  His warehouse often helps out the local state store when they run out.

The variation of the "bed and breakfast" has proved to be a hit.

"Yea, we don't cook breakfast here, heck we don't get up 'til 11," said Myrtle.

Part of the fun each evening is "stump Glenn" where the guests try to request a beverage that he's never heard of.  Back in '09 he was flummoxed, until the guest admitted that she just made up the drink name. It was a triple entendre and Glenn blushed.

Each guest gets a breakfast voucher for Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie, Pasta and Breakfast Emporium which is located just down at the intersection.

The guests also gets a complimentary Miles of Smiles drink every evening at 6, and a box of Alka Seltzer on the pillow.

"We expect renovations on "the Manor" to be compleated by the end of the year," noted Glenn.


Back-door Mullein

        Multiple Mullein Winner 

(Tucamcari, NM) The National Mullein Growers Association held their annual convention recently at theBlue Swallow Motel in Tucamcari, New Mexico.

A Fresno area man was again the winner in four categories at the Mullein summit last week.

The annonymous 'Mullein legend' won for his "Mullein from a rock"  for the second time.  His "Back-Door Mullein" was a first time ribbon winner.

This year his "Mullein Twins"  was an award winner and the "Dwarf Mullein"  took home Best in Show.

His name was again withheld as he doesn't want "...bothersome tourists..."

June      June     June     June     June    june    june     june

Finally

In this season of graduations and graduation parties we thought it might be time to highlight the oldest sixth grader ever.

The Plainfield Elementary graduation ceremony was held recently and Kobe Cognion was finally handed his sixth grade diploma.

Kobe is 16 years old.  And quite the basketball star.  He dominated in every youth basketball league as his parents held him back after grades 3,4,5 and six.

"We just wanted him to be as mature as possible before getting to high school," said father Wilt.

Kobe's mother, Millie, said she is so proud of his straight A's every year. 

Plainfield H.S. basketball coach Bobby Snuggins says he can't wait to get this great talent into his program. Although Kobe is expected to be a "one and done" candidate after his freshman year.

"He will have to cut his hair and shave that beard though," quipped Snuggins, "We have a 'clean-cut' policy here in Plainfield, just like Steinbrenner's Yankees."

For Lefty Lovers

The Lefty Frizzell Tribute Show will be coming to the Miller's Dip Grange Hall this Saturday evening.

"We are so very proud and excited to present this exciting event," said Grange Hall Event Assistant Scheduler Bob.

Country music fans old and new will hear and see a show that reminds them of country music of days gone by, according to a press release.

The only right-handed guitar player named 'Lefty' is played by Junior Sampson.  Sampson by the way is left handed.

The show stopper is their rendition of Saginaw, Michigan.

Local cable channel 88, FZNO, will broadcast a tape delayed, edited version, on Sunday morning.  The broadcast will follow morning Mass live from Our Lady of Lafayette Church.

Lester 'Roadhog' Moran and His Cadillac Cowboys will be the warm up entertainment.

Reuben

Wolfe

Sweeneys in Pinehurst

Pete and Clete (who has put on a little more weight) have arrived in Pinehurst, NC for The U.S. Open.

This is their 203rd consecutive major championship they've attended and volunteered.

This year the USGA has assigned Pete to be the driver for Scottie Scheffler.  Clete was issued a 4xl orange and yellow safety vest and will man the special gate for Scheffler's car to enter the parking lot at Pinehurst No. 2.

"We don't need another 'PGA Incident' said USGA Executive Committee President Fred Perpall.  "Not sure it's needed as we aren't in Kentucky anymore," he added.

The Sweeneys are staying at The Welch Estate.

Inspections Begin

The Governor's Office of  Weights, Measurements and Statistics has begun their annual certification of local farmers markets and road side produce stands.

"We are diligent in making sure all scales are accurate," said Cletus McPherson the W.M.S. Director.

His office is also in charge of testing the employees as to their ability to count.  

"This way you are assured that when you purchase a dozen ear of corn, you actually get twelve," Cletus added.

Look for the Governor's Seal of Approval  at all vendors.

Average Lives Here

A local man has been awarded The Joe Walsh Ordinary, Average Guy Award.

Stanley Schmeckman has been named the 2024 recipient.

Ordinary, Average Committee President Booby Gibson says Schmeckman's essay submission was what put him on top.

"Instead of writing paragraphs on why he should be considered, he just sent a screenshot of his daily 'to do' list," said Gibson.

Fresno,Ohio 

The hippest village east of Marfa, Tx

Next Adventure

Local adventure writer Hobart Horatio Humphrey has announced his next exploring experience.

"I will branch out a bit and turn my interests to Morrow County," said Humphrey.

"I have done and seen everything in every county that borders Coshocton, so I'm gonna start on two counties out," he noted.

Morrow County is know for its small towns like Sparta, Edison and Steam Corners.

Local Morrow officials said they will accommodate Hobart as best they can.

Humphrey will document his odyssey again on film, in print and all social media platforms.

Follow him at your peril.


No More

With the onset of summer break, The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has, again, taken a break from their purpose.

Instead of re-introducing us to words for our vocabulary, they have listed some to eliminate.

This year's collection include:

but'cept

warsh

chimbley

hangry

chillin'

You'ns

Club chairperson Wilomena Levengood says she's looking forward to the fall's incoming freshmen.  

"It is always refreshing to observe their perspective and wide-eyed enthusiasm," she said.  "And the hazing and initiation week is a hoot...oops that was last year's word to eliminate!"

Ladies Monthly Luncheon

The July Monthly Luncheon for the all-denomination church ladies will be this Thursday.

The famous French Painter Meta "Lark" Lemond will be the featured guest.

Lark moved to Fresno last winter and has opened his gallery this summer.

Lemond has a  long line of artists in his lineage.  His great grandfather, Francois, mixed the paints for the touch up work in the Sistine Chapel.

Meta's mother dates back to Jean-Baptiste Oudry. Oudry was known for his paintings of animals, hunting, and (ahem) women.

This month's color scheme:  shades of orange for clothing, royal blue for headwear.

The cash bar will benefit the janitor's fund.

Tonight's Menu Special

Chef Milton at Baltic's 1 1/2 star resort,            The Tie-Dyed Lotus, has just published tonight's menu special.

"I have revived an oldie and goodie," said Chef Milton. "Tonight I am proud to feature the Dixie Chicken along with the Tennessee Lamb."

Chef Milton says he hasn't gone to this effort in over 3 years now even though it has been requested every weekend since then.

Each dish will be paired with southern belle peppers, dixieland smashed potatoes and Memphis light beer.

"It was a once-a-month special down at the Commodore Hotel  where I apprenticed, and quite frankly, I was tired of those two entrees," confessed the world class chef.

Reservations are a must at The Tie-Dyed Lotus.

Managers Note:  The dress code frowns on cargo shorts, crocs and sleeveless t-shirts.  


Cicada Fest


Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are heading to Illinois.

Just south of Champaign, Illinois (on your way to Pesotum) is Tolono - the site of the much anticipated Champaign County Cicada Fest.

A once in 221 year thing is happening.  A double brood of cicadas are emerging.  The 13 year and the 17 year cicada have synced to make this year's fest one of the premier festivals in the midwest.

Rachel Grumman Bender. Yahoo.com's Life Health Editor,  has written extensively about eating these guys. 

There will be food trucks and the Decatur Brewing Company will have a special Cicada Shandy  bottled just for this summer.

Vendors will offer cicada mugs, hats, tee shirts, jewelry, plastic cicada Christmas tree ornaments, and a limited edition of cicada golf club headcovers.

The Sweeney brothers have been selected to be the Grand Marshals of the Cicada Parade and will be judges of the Little Miss Cicada pageant as well as the cicada eating contest.  Local DJ Mikey "he eats everything" Gleason will be at the head table, and is favoured 2-1 in the local casino.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will accompany the Sweeneys to the Cicada Fest and hope to have film edited by the evening news. 


Solved!

The graduating seniors at  Strasburg State University  are on a roll.

For centuries the dodecahedrons that were discovered in Roman excavation sites have puzzled mankind.

Laura Baisis at Popular Science website says that the largest ever found is on display at the Newark, England museum.

The students have submitted a paper explaining the use of the twelve-sided object.

The ceramic department made replicas and each student took them home to study and ponder.

"We believe that they were planters," says Professor Patricia Pointsett.

"It is our collective opinion that the planters were used both indoor and out.  Indoors on a plant stand and outdoors as hanging baskets," she proffered.

"I did have one student think they were dog toys," Patty pointed out.

New Field of Studies

Strasburg State University has announced that their  Anthropology Department will have a new degreed program.

"We will study the 'Beat Generation' and delve into all the questions around that era," said Department Chairman Benji Santini.

Those questions include but are not limited to:

-Why did the beat era start in the late 1940's?

-Why did it end? and is it really over?

-Why did they wear berets?

-Who thought of snapping fingers instead of applauding?

​-Are there Maynard G. Krebs amongst us?

-How did the goatee become a symbol of the beat generation?

-The musical influence before and after.

-Was television positively influenced?

-Who was the first person to say "daddy-O"?

Second year students will focus exclusively on the literature from 1949 to 1964.

​Third year students will explore the music and art works, while the 4th year will analyze the relationships of the subculture.

​Santini indicated that the classes are filling up.

Mullein Twins

Hair Revelations

CNN's Astute writer, Ashley Strickland, recently wrote about the analysis of Ludwig van Beethoven's hair.  

The revelation of high levels of lead may have been the reason for his deafness and early death.

Upon further research, we have also learned that Beethoven had a daily diet of trail bologna and swiss cheese.  

His hair also had high levels of Dr. Pepper and Cheetos.

It was widely known that Ludvig also drank a lot of sloe gin fizzes. 

His lack of exercise was confirmed, as many who knew him said he loved to recline in his bean bag chair.

Strickland's will probably be a regular contributor to the fresnonion.

Tonight, Tonight, Tonight...!

Another pop-up midnight ramble will take place tonight at 7:30.

The regionally popular accordion rock band Yankee Frankovic will hit the stage at the Pearl Grange Hall.

The band is fronted by the the Nelson twins, Gunnar and Matthew.  Gunnar plays a Roland FR-8x while Matthew jams on his vintage Hohner Gola.

The Nelsons promise that tonight's encore will be a cover of Eric Johnson's Cliffs of Dover.

Doors for tonight's merriment open at 6:30.  You should be home by midnight when the "Courtship of Eddie's Father" marathon begins on local cable channel 88 FZNO.

As usual, bring your own drinks, lawn chairs and extra sawdust. 

The ladies of the Church will serve spicy Tai food.

Best In Show -Dwarf Mullein

Successful Research

Officials at a local institute of higher learning are confirming a breakthrough.

"Yes we can tell you that our years of research and development have resulted in the growth of shredded wheat," said department chairman Lawrence Arbia. 

Arbia's research students have been working on this idea for thirty years.

"And now we can eliminate a costly process in the food industry as our shredded wheat can truly be 'field to table'," noted the elderly educator.

The University of Food and Agriculture Research Tech (UFART) is also credited for providing local farmers with technology to raise shredded chickens.

Stanley

Summer Camp Season

Along with the traditional summer camps for kids like 4-H, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Invention Camp, Church Camp comes the return of the all time favorite: Wiffle Ball Camp.

The fabled Sawmill Ball Park will again be the location of the Rico Carty Wiffle Ball Summer Camp for boys aged 8-12.

The young men will be housed in the old CCC dormitory west of town and bused in every morning.

The morning sessions will be spent on: 

~how to throw a wiffle curve

~how to hit a wiffle curve

~how to throw a knuckler

~how to hit a knuckler

~how to catch a knuckler

~how to hit the runner for an out

~how to hit to the opposite field

The after lunch sessions will be 5 inning doubleheaders on all 5 diamonds.

The Rico Carty Wiffle Ball Camp begins July 1st and the children will be returned home for the first day of school.

All details can be found on the Rico Carty myfacespace page.


Shocking News

There are reports coming out of Hollywood that have been triple sourced, and  left the industry stunned.

It is now becoming evident that Don Cornelius was not the first option to hostSoul Train.

The show aired for a year in Chicago then nationally in syndication.

The executives told Mr. Cornelius that even though he created the concept, he could produce but not be the on-air host.

They thought Lawrence Welk would be better and bring a larger audience.

They realized their mistake during the first dress rehearsal. 

Space News

"Voyager 1 is back online!"  That was the headline in a recent Space.com revelation. The universally admired space nerd Stephanie Waldek is the author of this expose.

Launched in 1977, Voyager 1 is 14 billion miles away.  Something happened and eight months ago it started sending goofy data back.

However summer intern Abner Doubletree from Strasburg State University moved a three inch stack of papers that revealed a 'reset' button.

"Can't believe that was all that was needed," said a sheepish NASA veteran who begged for anonymity.

A footnote to the story indicates that the papers Doubletree moved were the inter-office fantasy football draft results.

​For his efforts Doubletree received a $20 GameStop gift card.

First Franchise

The very first Ruben's Reubens franchise will be located out on the highway.

"We are so very proud to locate our first franchise in this area," said franchisee Penny "Pip" Queen.

American Idol second season winner Ruben Studdard is the namesake of this new food venture.

"The traditional sandwich has corned beef, sauerkraut, swiss cheese and thousand island dressing on rye," said Ruben.  "But we will feature ten different breads and 20 different cheeses so every time you come you can have a new experience," he added.

Ruben's Reubens  will even have a breakfast sandwich.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will cover the grand opening and ribbon cutting ceremonies when they open.  

Pip says they need employees....that want to work.

Economic Development News

Binder's Gromets, Clasps and Buckles has announced that they will add a new line to their manufacturing empire.

"We are going to install the presses from Mantle's Fasteners Company," said CEO Tonya Binder.

"Mantle's is shutting down their operation and we have a received a grant from the White Eyes Twp. Foundation.  So come August 1 we will add another employee," noted Miss Binder.

Binder's Gromets, Clasps and Buckles was started in 1908 by Warren G. Binder and the family has been a fixture in the region ever since.

"I just wish Papa hadn't sold off the brassiere-hook division," Tonya confessed. "He just didn't think the idea would hold up."

Again, News you really should not believe

Flattery?

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” -Oscar Wilde.

Hot on the heals of the Showtime adaptation of Amor Towles novel, "A Gentleman in Moscow", a local attempt to capitalize is in the works.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO has ordered a miniseries of "A Farmhand in Fresno". 

The 8 part mini series of Benny Collier's memoir will start filming in July with the harvest of oats and wheat.  

Regional theatre veteran Brownie Pavley has been inked to star in the leading role.

Numerous dairy farms and bars have been contracted to provide film stock footage.

"This is a real boom to our economy," said Lorna Myrn, county liaison with the film industry.

Extras will be hired each day at the film site.

July        July                July                 July                 July                     July                    July 

Photographers Recognized

The Smithsonian Magazine has recognized Vivian Maier for her street photography.  Maier's first museum exhibition is currently on view at Fotografiska New York.

Locally, famous Township Road photographer Lionel Burton has his works on display at the internationally acclaimed Fresno Art Gallery.

Burton gleaned works from four areas of interest: The paved road, the chip and seal, the graded dirt road and the roads that have never seen a road grader. 

Lionel has also photographed football games, queen contests, golden anniversary  parties, farm implements but has never had his picture taken.

"We are so blessed with miles and miles of township roads," said Burton the shy lensman who lives on a single lane dirt road.  

"I love life here and the opportunities for photography, but I do not appreciate the kids writing 'Wash Me' on my dusty car," he noted.

Viv

Looks Like

The local chapter of the National Doppelganger Identification Society has a new discovery.

Perpetual political candidate Morley Wolfe, who runs for everything in east-central Ohio, looks like Arthur Carlson.  

"Once it was pointed out to me, it is remarkable.  He does look like 'Big Guy' the station manager of WKRP in Cincinnati," said Society member Bailey Morgan.

"I don't see it," Wolfe responded, "but I am running for Congress."

Wolfe has never been elected, but has great name and visual recognition. 



Mullein From A Rock

BREAKING NEWS

This just in.  Officials at the Baltic International Zoo have confirmed rumors they have been awarded a troop of Proboscis Monkeys.

"We are so very, very fortunate and grateful for such news," said the Zoo's chief administrator William 'Mac' Anudo.

"This zoo has so many benevolent patrons, and that is what makes this possible," Anudo continued.

A welcome party for the large snouted primates will be announced at a later date.

​If you do attend the party, don't stare at their nose.

Author Here

The wildly popular author Skeet "Shooter" McGavin will be at the Oberlin College Branch Library  in Fresno this Saturday.

On the heels of his newest fiction, Indubitably Questionable, McGavin will sign copies from 5-10 pm.

"I've also carved out some time to read a few passages and take pictures with my fans," said Shooter.

Moira Trenkbottom is the Sr. Assistant Librarian in charge of the Adult Section, and says McGavin's novels are the most loaned in Ohio.

"In fact we have so many of his books, we call it 'Skeet Row' she giggled. 

​The ladies of the church will serve pinot.


Carlson

Neighborhood News

Lucky, "the can man", wants everyone to know that he will not be around the next two weeks.

Lucky Olsen has made a living by scrapping, repairing, refinishing and reselling junk.  

He also has a regular route of picking up aluminum cans.  

"My customers are good about pulling out their beer cans for me. They also crush 'em and I pick 'em up onest at week," he said.

"But I want 'em to just hold on for the next couple of weeks, if they could.  I am taking the whole fam damly to Myrtle Beach," Lucky declared.

Post Derby News

The Sweeney boys returned home late Sunday afternoon from attending the Kentucky Derby.

The exciting photo finish to this year's Derby wasn't the only excitement.

Clete, who's put on some weight, never left the sponsor's tent.  Woodford Reserve, a sponsor since 1999, had to invite Clete to leave.

Pete's arm got in front of one of the cameras positioned at the finish line.  He's now been flagged for next year's assigned seating. 

Clete, while trying to flirt with a middle aged enthusiast, suggested a bet on Encino.  She politely told him that horse scratched on Tuesday, then pointed him out to security.

Pete had to max out his credit card for "proper trackside apparel" as his crocs, cargo shorts and Zoar Golf Club tee shirt didn't pass muster.

Lecture Tonight

The Monthly Making Life Better  Lecture this evening features the ever popular Jorge "Corkie" McCorkle.

Corkie will be speaking on his favourite topic, Buzzards.

Doors at the Plainfield Civic Centre open at 6:30.  The presentation is usually 40 minutes.

The 'after lecture' is again catered by the ladies of the church.  The free will offering will cost you $5.00.

Bring It Back !

While preparing her sixth grade dissertation in preparation for elementary school graduation, young Suzi Wisterman came to a realization.

"Nobody decrees anything, anymore," she declared.

"I think we should bring back the decree and revere the decreer," she said in a recent press conference. "When was the last time channel 88 led the news with a 'decree' or it was top page of the daily newspaper?"

When asked by a local reporter if she was just lobbying for the job, Suzi indicated that her Grit route was enough.


Ch-ch-ch-changes....

After the Boy Scouts of Americachanged their name to  Scouting America, another icon is following suit.

The Backstreet Boys will now be known as the Back Street Boys and  Girls.

"We want to be more politically correct, inclusive, embracing, and popular again," said Brian Littrell.

"Yes, we'll hold auditions in every city we perform in over the next ten years and then decide who can join," noted AJ McLean.

"There goes BSB," quoted a dismayed Nick Carter.  "now we are BSBandG.  Save your old tee shirts, they will be worth a lot in the future."

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will document the tryouts for a future mini-series.

Before Spellcheck.....

                   ............Smokey the Bear was a bad speller.

Rare Opening

One of the most coveted jobs in all of The U.S. is the Tucson to Tucumcari delivery route.

Weintraub Bagels  of Tucson and Valenzuela's Tortillas in Tucumcari formed a partnership in 1960.  

For the past 63 years they've had one driver that leaves Tucson with a load of bagels and returns with tortillas.

That driver, Fred Payne, will retire August 1st.

There is a stop in Tularosa at Murray's Foods to get cream cheese and salsa.

The job pays $325,000 per year. 

Contact Alice in Dallas to apply if you're willin'.

WORD

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released this month's words for your conversations.

"This month we are really fed up with ugly turn in the everyday word choice," said Club leader Wilomena Levengood.

"The curse words, dirty. invective,
four-letter words;  the naughty, obscene, profane and vulgar are out of hand," she offered.

With that in mind the Club's suggestions for you to replace such words are:

Dang

Darn

Golly

Heck 

Gosh-darn

Dagnabbit

Doggonit

Malarky

Gosh

Drat

Gee willikers

CheeseNRice

"Let's clean it up," pleaded Wilomena.



Heat Wave Coming

Lake Lila Golf and Country Club has announced that with the upcoming forecast of high temperatures, they will open their pool to the public.

"We realize that a 'feels like' forecast of 113 degrees is a bit much.  So with that in mind we will have our swimming pool open to the public between noon and 12:30 each day," said General Manager David Lindley.

The members all thought that was a neighborly thing to do.

Ruben

BBQ !

An authentic south-Texas barbecue banquet hall has opened in Fresno.

"We've renovated the old feed mill," said BettyLou ThelmaLiz Hubbard.

"Ever since I moved here from Shiner I've wanted to treat my new friends and neighbors to the food I grew up on," shared Hubbard.

There will be two pits going at the same time on Friday & Saturday, 11a-11p.  And Sundays will be brunch only for the after church crowd from 10a to 3p.

Thursday will be Sausage Only.

​Ray Wylie LeClerc will be the      grillmaster.  He is known as the      "brisket king" and has over 40 years in the business.

Shiner Brewery has agreed to brew a special Buckeye Bock just for the Fresno location.

"I can't wait for everyone to taste his rubs and sauces," said an excited BettyLou ThelmaLiz.


Marathon News

The First Annual White Eyes Township Marathon has been scheduled for Memorial Day.

The route carved out has the runners parking at the Fresno School and proceeding to McCrea's Service Center.

When the starter yells "go ahead and go" the participants who are coming from all over the world, will proceed down Main Street.  At Geese's Corner they will continue to Hamilton Avenue, ending at the "Sawmill Greenspace".  

The huge white tent will have a hydration station, first aid, and finger foods.

The ladies of the church will operate the Biergarten.

Cable channel 88, FZNO will broadcast live.  Tom Hamilton was scheduled to call the race, but has cancelled.  Gary McCord will provide solemn coverage. 

Summer Interns Needed

The Wilmer Harrigan Institute for Young Men has announced funding for summer internship programs.

Marlon Miller is director of the internship department and says these are this summer's openings:

Lumberjack (2)

Pumpjack (3)

Chef Assistant (1)

Theatre Assistant Stage Manager (6)

Dairy Farm (44)

Miller says his office is open 9-5 for applicants.

Wages for all positions range from $34.50 per hour to 35.50 with a $2,500 signing bonus. These internships are open to young men between 16 and 19 years of age.

The Best Decade

The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili has announced an addition to the July schedule.

The Stafford & Stevens Travelling 70's Salvation Show will stop in the storied venue on July 5th.

Jim Stafford and Ray Stevens were staples of 70's radio.  Known for their wit in the stories they sang, the duo has formed a revue of the period.  A period many say was the best  for music and party.

Stafford's hits include "Spiders & Snakes", "Swamp Witch", "Under the Scotsman's Kilt", "My Girl Bill", and "Wildwood Weed".

Stevens hit the charts with Grammy-winning recordings "Everything Is Beautiful" and "Misty", as well as novelty hits such as "Gitarzan" and "The Streak"

Stafford's first wife Bobbie Gentry will join the duo's tour.  Farah Fawcett will act as the MC and autograph posters.

Tickets for The Stafford & Stevens Travelling 70's Salvation Show are on sale now, so tell your brother Bill to get off the windmill, put some clothes on and get front row seats.

Hot Product

Fresno Industries says they just can't keep up with the orders of their newest product offering to consumers.

"Our new 'Shower Wash' is the best selling invention in the past decade," said company President Rodney Karoo.

The Shower Wash is similar to the car wash.  A person can sit or stand in the shower, press the start button and a series of nozzles will first spray you with a pre-soak soap.

Then a dozen brushes will scrub you as they move around your body.  The rinse cycle follows.

There is an exfoliating loofah option that is also available for a small upcharge.

Fresno Industries is looking for installers. They will train and are offering a $5,000 signing bonus.

Goggles and snorkel sold separately.

𝕱𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖓𝖔𝖍𝖎𝖔.𝖈𝖔𝖒

Found!

The senior astronomy students at  Strasburg State University  have been credited with finding a lost satellite.

The popular Space.com website has reported that the lost satellite was missing for 25 years.  It was launched in 1974, lost and found and lost again, and found in April. That's 50 years of non productivity. 

The Strasburg Statestudents affectionately call it "the congressional".

United States Air Force's Space Test Program launched the satellite in April 10, 1974.

In Meredith Garofalo's reporting, she notes that it's not an easy task to know the location and identity of every single object that's in orbit as there are more than 20,000 at the moment

A junior officer that begged for anonymity, said "Thank God," when asked for a comment.  "I am so tired of being asked every morning by the Colonel, 'have you found it yet?'"


New Cereals

The Research and Development Department at the Conesville Cereal Company have two new offerings for breakfast.

After the popular website verywellhealth.com reported on the benefits of beans, the guys at CCC went to work. 

"We've just revealed the Lima Bran cereal," said lead researcher Bon Scottsman.  

"We've dried the bean just like Raisin Bran," said Bon.

Registered Dietician Barbie Cervoni authored the report citing eleven benefits of beans.

"It is because of the stunning, in depth, important report by Cervoni that we also developed another cereal: Beans and Bran," noted Scottsman.

All beans known to mankind are mixed together, dried and included with bran flakes.  

The two new cereals developed by CCC are available wherever GasX is sold.