Shunned Again

Local photographer, Morley John Creechbaum has again been denied recognition at the Wildlife Photographer of the Year award ceremony at London's Museum of Natural History.

A story contributed to Forbes Magazine by acclaimed writer Cecilia Rodriguez, revealed that there were over 59 thousand photos submitted.

Morley submitted his local award winner: Chair in the Wild.

"I selected this particular piece because so many folks that came through my studio offered me pretty good money for it," said Creechbaum, "like 16-17 dollars!"

"I also considered a couple of other subjects to submit that were in the same category that the judges don't even consider." he noted. "I do like the Sofa in the Holler  and the Chaise in the Country."

When asked about next year, Morley suggested he probably should take pictures of tadpoles or monkeys or ants or possum or skunks and the like.

If you have any ideas for Morley John and his Kodak Brownie, stop by the studio or at the golf course.

Summer Interns Needed

The Wilmer Harrigan Institute for Young Men has announced funding for summer internship programs.

Marlon Miller is director of the internship department and says these are this summer's openings:

Lumberjack (2)

Pumpjack (3)

Chef Assistant (1)

Theatre Assistant Stage Manager (6)

Dairy Farm (44)

Miller says his office is open 9-5 for applicants.

Wages for all positions range from $34.50 per hour to 35.50 with a $2,500 signing bonus. These internships are open to young men between 16 and 19 years of age.

The Feathery

Stargate Scandal

While we were busy getting our third source before going to print, others picked up on the story about The Stargate in Ashland County.

So I guess now that the astute journalist, Zach Tuggle at USA Today has reported it, we can to.

A dad and his sons built a, so-called "replica" of the Stargate, and it does exist.  But there is a breaking story about it's effect.

The entire township has seen their cat, both domestic and feral, population dwindling.

A couple of well placed trail cameras near the Stargate has caught one man leaving an anchovie trail to, and through, the Stargate!

The cats go through, never to be seen again.

Former cat owner, Marcie Leventhall, said "he just 'pied piper' them right on through that circle thing."

The dad is now reporting that he's received hundreds of orders for the "catgate".

The man who led cats to the Stargate got a community improvement award.

Cat owners are filing suit.

WORD

The students are back and have a month under the belts.

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has met and submitted this list of words for you to use:

1.Cad

2. Dither

3. Fecund

4. Duplicitous

Wilomena Levengood, the club's advisor, says to expect a list of four or 5 words each month.

November               November                   november                      November                     november

Biohybrid Robotics

Those students at Cornell are pretty smart.

CNN is reporting: "The robots are the latest accomplishment of scientists in a field known as biohybrid robotics who seek to combine biological, living materials such as plant and animal cells or insects with synthetic components to make partly living and partly engineered entities."

In other words they got a mushroom to grow into the robot's hardware!

Taking the concept further, the science students at Strasburg State University have paired the robot's hardware with a Psilocybin mushroom.

Their robots only play frisbee, watch the lava lamps and listen to Pink Floyd, Brimstone and Coltrane. 

For The Dogs

Local Cleveland Browns fan and beer drinker Sephus Hornigan has a new product out that is just for the dogs.

"I noticed that while watching football with my friends, somebody almost always spills a beer," said Sephus.

"And my dog, Scooby, always laps it up," he added.

Worried about the alcohol consumption and the calories that Scooby was getting, Hornigan contacted White Claw.

"We've come up with a non-alcoholic, low calorie beer for dogs and it's coming out in mid August," he offered.

The name of this canine beverage is DewClaw.

You Ain't Nothin' But A......

The 45 Annual Fresno Kennel Club's Handsome Hound Show will be next weekend.

The most anticipated hound dog award show is held every year on the second weekend of September.

Hounds from around North America will traverse into the east central Ohio community .  

Last years Handsome Hound, Sadly, a Black & Tan Coonhound from Big Frog Mountain holler in Polk County, Tn., will return.

Last year Sadly  was the youngest coonhound to ever take home the ribbon. This year he'll compete as a 3-year old.

According to Fan Dual Sportsbook, Ted  the Basenji from Shreve, is the odds on favorite. The book says "having taken second place the last 4 years, Ted  is due."

The Fresno Kennel Club's president, Horvath Toms, invites everyone to attend. But he cautions that all cologne's, deodorants, after shave lotions, assorted perfumes and fragrances are forbidden to be applied to your body.  "It drives the dogs mad," he says. "You will be sniffed at the gate."

The highlight each year is the promenade of breed winners led by the year's Handsome Hound, serenaded by Big Mamma Thornton's original rendition of Hound Dog.

The Fresno Kennel Club'sAwesome Aussie Show will be in January. Winning 'The Henry'  is the most coveted award in the industry.  All major networks will televise. 

Luck

Some have it, some claim they have the worst.  

Luck, good fortune, fate however you acknowledge the force in life, most admit it exists.  In all forms.

On a golf course, the player feels he has the worst of luck.  While others proclaim him to be the "luckiest alive" when his ball strikes a limb and carroms back into play.

The card player, the business woman, the gambler all use a phrase proclaiming some form of "luck".

Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes sang about "Bad Luck".  

Well now "luck" has been verified and quantified.  

Strasburg State drop-out Smedley Gilchrist has opened a little shop in the strip mall to sell you "luck".  

"I came upon my discovery by accident," said Smedley.  "It's now bottled and for sale," he announced at the ribbon cutting ceremony.

Smedley's store called Successful Fate is open 10 to noon on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He plays golf on Sunday, Thursday and Saturday.  Poker on Mondays.

Here's wishing you the best.

A Better Way

The monthly Making Life Better lecture series rotates to the Ragersville Gymnasium and Performing Arts Center this month.

The topic is: How to be better at superstitions.

"There are blues songs about black cats, Stevie Wonder sang Superstition, there is even the Superstition Mountain range in Arizona," said lecturer Edith Alot.

"I will shed light on the top superstitions and how to caution your children properly," she added. "In addition there will be a 'share a new superstition that you created' segment."

So don't knock over any salt or walk under any ladders until then Ms. Alot advised. "And knock on wood when you get there." 

The doors open next Monday at 6:30 pm.  

The ladies of the church will serve rum.

Breaking News

From the news desk at the fresnOnion we have just learned that the Assad Family reunion has been postponed.

"It is, and I emphasize 'postponed', not cancelled," said Assad family member Dilsoz al-Assad.

"Our party house in Damascus is experiencing an unscheduled event," he went on.

​He suggested that you donate your covered dish to the local food pantry.

The newsroom is also reporting that Shaboozey has cancelled his appearance at the Aleppo Metropolitan Auditorium.

There Is A Chance

Although the odds are against you being chosen, there is a rare opening at Erewhon on Kokosing.

For the past 23 years, Erewhon  has been selected as "the Number 1, most prestigious mobile home park in America"  byTin Can Alley, the monthly trade publication.

Erewhon on Kokosing  opened in 1976 and the heirs to one of the first homes to move in, have pulled out.

"We just can't do it," delcared Faye Lynn Snellenburger. "The fees, the taxes, the rules, the regulations, the disapproving eyes, it's not for us. I know we inherited this place but we're moving on, every time we turned around we were being fined for something!"

The Appropriate and Approval Committee of the Erewhon Owners Association confirmed that there were issues with Faye Lynn's husband's trucks on cement blocks.  The Association will receive applications until Tuesday.

At that time the Committee  will read the application essays, conduct background checks and validate the non-refundable deposit checks.

"We don't allow just anybody in," confirmed Erewhon Owners Association President who remains nameless.

Heat Wave Coming

Lake Lila Golf and Country Club has announced that with the upcoming forecast of high temperatures, they will open their pool to the public.

"We realize that a 'feels like' forecast of 113 degrees is a bit much.  So with that in mind we will have our swimming pool open to the public between noon and 12:30 each day," said General Manager David Lindley.

The members all thought that was a neighborly thing to do.

The Whole World Is Watching

A court case that could have universal ramifications will begin next week in Township Chancellor Jud Buckner's courtroom.

The People V. Ditherton   opening comments will begin Monday at 9am.

The case stems from Joey Ditherton being charged with Inveiglement.

The charges accuse Ditherton with using flattery, ingenuity, his wiles, and clever talk to entice middle aged, single women to buy him dinner.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will broadcast.

Chancellor Buckner has cancelled all tee times that week.

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

After the Boy Scouts of Americachanged their name to  Scouting America, another icon is following suit.

The Backstreet Boys will now be known as the Backstreet Boys and  Girls.

"We want to be more politically correct, inclusive, embracing, and popular again," said Brian Littrell.

"Yes, we'll hold auditions in every city we perform in over the next ten years and then decide who can join," noted AJ McLean.

"There goes BSB," quoted a dismayed Nick Carter.  "now we are BSBandG.  Save your old tee shirts, they will be worth a lot in the future."

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will document the tryouts for a future mini-series.

Lotus II

The world famous 1.5 star resort,TheTie-Dyed Lotus  in Baltic, has identified a location for their expansion.

"We have purchased the island in the grand Muskingum River just across the highway from Tyndal," said site selector Rory Povich.

"We will offer all the amenities that our customers have come to expect at the Baltic location," offered Povich.

Chef Milton is accepting applications for his training program.

Construction is expected to take two years on the project tentatively titled "RiverLago".

Derby Boys

This news desk has dispatched Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney to the Kentucky Derby.

We hope to have a full report on what they witnessed and experienced later this week.

Upon departure, Clete said he would explore the Woodford Reserve angle, but would not be wearing his traditional Derby Plaid blazer.  "It's a little snug," he declared.

Early ID

The newly formed government's Office Of Intelligence Identification  (OII) has tagged a two month infant for monitoring.

This young lady, Ellie M, has been singled out as a future "Hawking".  

OII   Executive Director, Gurn Gedway, says this is a result of the generous endowment from the Stephen Hawking Foundation in the United Kingdom.

"This little one displays all of the traits and characteristics of an exceptional brain and will be one of the world's smartest," said Gedway. 

"When she turns six she will begin in the 6th grade. We believe her to be that smart," Gurn added.

The prodigy's parents have already signed a 'future' employment contract with Battelle in Columbus, Ohio and will administer the $900,000 per year salary until she's 18.

Ellie M and her parents live in a small town in Ohio and wish to remain anonymous.

​"We're afraid of getting new relatives that want a loan," said her dad.

The Best Decade

The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili has announced an addition to the July schedule.

The Stafford & Stevens Travelling 70's Salvation Show  will stop in the storied venue on July 5th.

Jim Stafford and Ray Stevens were staples of 70's radio.  Known for their wit in the stories they sang, the duo has formed a revue of the period.  A period many say was the best  for music and party.

Stafford's hits include "Spiders & Snakes", "Swamp Witch", "Under the Scotsman's Kilt", "My Girl Bill", and "Wildwood Weed".

Stevens hit the charts with Grammy-winning recordings "Everything Is Beautiful" and "Misty", as well as novelty hits such as "Gitarzan" and "The Streak"

Stafford's first wife Bobbie Gentry will join the duo's tour.  Farah Fawcett will act as the MC and autograph posters.

Tickets for The Stafford & Stevens Travelling 70's Salvation Show are on sale now, so tell your brother Bill to get off the windmill, put some clothes on and get front row seats.

Book Review

Because of the influence of The FresnOnion, this office receives multiple books for review each week.

Recently Dr. Kirby Kildare released a very popular and instant #1.

Why Are You Cluttering My Reality? 

 A Detailed, Methodical Blueprint On How To Delete So-called Friends and Fire Troublesome Customers.

This is a must read.  It's good. 

1950 - 2024

The following is just an excerpt from the 2 hour eulogy given at Leotis Babbington's memorial service yesterday.

"....To say Leotis was a character is like saying Lassie was a dog.  Because we all know there was so much more there.

Leotis loved to play competitive tournament cards.  There wasn't a card game that he didn't know or master. He built the north wing onto their house just for his trophies.

In fact being able to 'master' something was his gift.  That's why he changed careers so many times. He'd lose interest. He averaged one new job a year.

What never bored him was cards and phrenology. In fact those were the only two things he continued throughout his adult life.  Why he even married the woman that the claims had no 'bumps to read' on her head. 

After he married Della, they would go to PhrenCon (Phrenology Conventions) where he would show off her perfect skull. God rest her soul, she was a good sport.

Leotis was a baker, a banker, a beam walker, a boilermaker, a winemaker, a gardener, a lawn ornament manufacturer...bet you didn't know he was the one that designed the lady in polka dot bloomers bending over thing!

The year Leotis was a lawyer, he took every case pro bono, and won.

Leotis was the best catcher this state ever knew, just didn't want to sign a contract to play pro ball.

Leotis had 16 hole in ones.  It got to the point that he was so good, he quit.

​Leotis was a beagle breeder, a farrier, a harmonica builder,  an oragami marvel, I could go on and on; but,

To say Leotis will be missed, is a monumental misrepresentation of our admiration and affection.  Plus he owes ever one here a nickle.  When he first met you he'd ask to borrow a nickel with the promise he'd pay you back....he never did. That crock full of nickels was donated to the animal shelter - it totaled over 18 thousand dollars!..... ."

Leotis died when a piece of space junk landed on him whilst out walking the Mary Harris Trail.

Mullein From A Rock

Economic Development News

The latest upswing in the positive business climate of the White Eyes Valley is the word that a local company will be hiring.

Belle's Tubular has announced that an expansion into the paper straw market will result in the addition of twenty employees.

"We'll be hiring 5 swing shift workers and about fifteen or 16 supervisors and managers," said Albert Belle company owner.

Along with our tube division, this brings Belle's Tubular to over 200 employees.

"Our tube division is the money maker," said Albert.  Their products include acrylic, glass, plastic, acrylic, polycarbonate, both round and square.

"If you need to move product in an enclosed medium, we can help," concluded Mr. Belle.

This is the company's third expansion as they added the tube cap division five years ago.  

The compleat company product line can be found at www.tubularman.fzno.

Community Cook-off

   The 116th annual Cavallo Slumgullion Cook-off is coming up this Saturday.

   Local residents will have all the tables and chairs they can locate set up in the towne centre for the noon feast.

   Last year over 140 contestants entered their family slumgullion receipes for tasting and judging.

   Pedro Gorbechov from Cleveland was last year's winner and is expected to return.

   All attendees are encouraged to bring their own lawn chairs, mess kits, toilet paper and Tums. 

   Proceeds from  the Cavallo Slumgullion Cook-off  ​are used to operate the town's swimming pool and buy gravel for Main Street.

New Field of Studies

Strasburg State University has announced that their  Anthropology Department will have a new degreed program.

"We will study the 'Beat Generation' and delve into all the questions around that era," said Department Chairman Benji Santini.

Those questions include but are not limited to:

-Why did the beat era start in the late 1940's?

-Why did it end? and is it really over?

-Why did they wear berets?

-Who thought of snapping fingers instead of applauding?

​-Are there Maynard G. Krebs amongst us?

-How did the goatee become a symbol of the beat generation?

-The musical influence before and after.

-Was television positively influenced?

-Who was the first person to say "daddy-O"?

Second year students will focus exclusively on the literature from 1949 to 1964.

​Third year students will explore the music and art works, while the 4th year will analyze the relationships of the subculture.

​Santini indicated that the classes are filling up.

Lecture Tonight

The Monthly Making Life Better  Lecture this evening features the ever popular Jorge "Corkie" McCorkle.

Corkie will be speaking on his favourite topic, Buzzards.

Doors at the Plainfield Civic Centre open at 6:30.  The presentation is usually 40 minutes.

The 'after lecture' is again catered by the ladies of the church.  The free will offering will cost you $5.00.

Back-door Mullein

Pranksters

Ranger Gord, the local game warden, says that trapper John Wadsworth has reported more pranks.

Ever since trapping season started, trapper John has reported that his traps have been "messed with".

"I set traps for coon, muskrats, mink and coyote," said John, "but at least oncet a week somebody puts a stuffed animal in my traps."

Ranger Gord says that to date trapper John has 'caught' a giraffe, an elephant, a Bartholomew Bear,  a Bashful Bunny and Cooper the Cow. 

"The cabbage patch doll was really a joke gone too far though," said a disgusted Ranger Gord.

The incidents remain under investigation.  Ranger Gord asks all toddlers to report to him if their stuffed animals are missing.

Fundraiser Set

The Guitar Players Hall of Fame has scheduled a fundraising golf tournament for Saturday, November 2nd.

Lake Lila Country Club will host the event that endeavors to raise some funds to build a wing dedicated to the bass players.

There are rumours that Club Pro Guy has agreed to attend and bring Mike Reasor.  Reasor carded a 123 one day and 114 the next in a PGA event.  That alone makes him a great dinner guest. 

The format will be "Shamble".  Each player will hit a tee shot, the team selects the better position and then plays their own ball into the hole.  The better score will count. A total team score 'skins' game will also be part of the cash pot.

Tab Benoit and Joe Bonamassa, Robert Randolph and Eric Gales along with Warren Haynes and Rob McNelley have already confirmed.  

Curtis Strange and Patrick Reed have tried to enter, but were told to stay away.

This is a limited field event as only the elite ball strikers will be accepted. Guitar players are exempt.

The players will be playing for pride, a little money, and The Mingus Medal will go the lowest score. 

The ladies of the church will operate the hospitality tent.

Pervent

Frosst

Fries

Paid Advertisement

Back to school items just in at the Pleasant Valley Trailer Park General Store:  Ink wells, compass, slide rules, six-inch rulers (all sizes), book satchels, divided notebooks, and paste.

Paid Advertisement

Life Goes On, Brah

Summers are for little league baseball, family vacations and High School Show Choir invitationals.

The most recent such invitational was held at the Keene Concert Hall.  

The host school was Keene High and each host sets the terms of competition.

In the past choirs had to feature duets, or mixed doubles dance moves, or in Keene each had to perform a unique version of the Beatles song Ob La Di.

Some schools attempted the song with British accents, one tried to make it a reggae song with a Bob Marley look-a-like.

But the show stopper was the Shady Bend HS version as if it were a slow love song.

When we say 'show stopper' it did.  The stage manager had to stop the show when he noticed that four of the 6 judges were sleeping. And the other two were looking at their phones.

"I guess that was a poor choice of arrangement," said Shady's choir director Hansai Solo.

Bonus Word

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club  was supposed to be off for the summer.

But one "holdover", Ali McNally, has released one word for us to use again in day to day dialogue.

"The word I think one should use today is: hobbeldehoy," said McNally.

Wilomena Levengood, the Club's pedagogue said, "I am so very pleased with Ali's initiative, her moxie, her enthusiasm, her attention to this matter." 

Levengood made her comments from the family summer home near Mont Saint-Clair on the south coast of France.

Ali said she will probably have an abbreviated list again next month, so be alert.

Altered Hours 

The Indians (oops Guardians) game has been moved to 1pm today!

John and Kensey Crumboli want everyone to know that Crumboli's Roadside Stand will close for a few hours today.

"We will be open until 12:45 so we can get home, make a sandwich and sit down to watch the Indians game," said Kensey.

"We'll re-open at about 4ish and be open til dark," noted John, "and we'll still have free apple jack shots."

The fall business has been good they confirmed.

"This is the season for walnuts, wild radish, hickory nuts, walnuts, elderberry, poke berry (for dying wool, not eating!) field corn, corn shocks, pumpkins, gourds, and such," said John.

"We'll be open all day Sunday too, cause nobody watches the Browns anymore."

Biz News

Local Pillow Company, County Down, is reporting record sales.

20 years ago, Don Ho's grandaughter, Heidi opened her first pillow manufacturing company in rural Coshocton County.

"I had so much goose feathers from our farm, that I just started stuffing pillow cases," said Heidi Ho.

"I am still getting checks from grandpa's 'Tiny Bubbles' record and that helped my start-up," Ms. Ho continued.

County Down is now raising geese and manufacturing pillows in all 50 states and Willodale, Ontario. Ho down is considered to be the finest in the down industry.

"It has been a volatile market," admitted Ho.  "Some guy started selling on TV and for a couple of years he cut into our sales, but this past 2 years, for some reason our sales are way, way up."

For more information go to: www.mypillowgal.ha

Bovine Confusion

The Associated Press reported recently that Earth has an extra moon for about 60 days.

And because of the lunar phenomenon, farmers nationwide are reporting that their herd are displaying erratic behaviour.

"They don't know which moon to jump over," observed local farmer Seth Tomason.

Sugar

The results of a recent study by the Early Education Department at  Strasburg State University revealed the effects of sugar, especially on 3rd graders.

The study separated the grade schoolers at PS 112 into two groups. 

Group A was fed a bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs  when they first woke up.

Group B was fed turkey omelettes.

The one month results indicated that Group A got dressed quicker, got on the bus in a timely fashion, was the first off the bus, the first to finish tests, got red cards for incessant talking, and were the first out the door for recess.  

Group B fell back to sleep while getting dressed, slept on the bus, some failed to depart the bus once at school and slept through the tests.

After lunch, Group A napped, while Group B colored.

The average grade for the entire class after that month was D-.

Next month:  Does Mtn Dew  help the music department?

Save The Date

It is said that "patience is a virtue".

And there has been none more patient than Brandy.

For years she has served the sailors whisky and wine, all the while waiting for the man who had given her a braided chain that was made with the finest silver from the north of Spain.

She always knew that she was a fine girl, and would make a good wife someday.

That someday is coming on Good Friday. The man, whose name was in that locket that Brandy wore around her neck, has returned.  And proposed.

All are invited to bear witness.  Nuptials will be exchanged in an open air ceremony on the courthouse lawn. Brandy has insisted that the wedding take place outdoors, "...because he still smells like the sea..."

The wedding reception will be held at the tavern in the port of a western bay.

Finally

In this season of graduations and graduation parties we thought it might be time to highlight the oldest sixth grader ever.

The Plainfield Elementary graduation ceremony was held recently and Kobe Cognion was finally handed his sixth grade diploma.

Kobe is 16 years old.  And quite the basketball star.  He dominated in every youth basketball league as his parents held him back after grades 3,4,5 and six.

"We just wanted him to be as mature as possible before getting to high school," said father Wilt.

Kobe's mother, Millie, said she is so proud of his straight A's every year. 

Plainfield H.S. basketball coach Bobby Snuggins says he can't wait to get this great talent into his program. Although Kobe is expected to be a "one and done" candidate after his freshman year.

"He will have to cut his hair and shave that beard though," quipped Snuggins, "We have a 'clean-cut' policy here in Plainfield, just like Steinbrenner's Yankees."

What The H*^#....?

Vince Lombardi shouted "what the h-e double toothpicks is going on out here" to his team when the play didn't go as planned.

Well, we can use those same words, only cleaned up a bit:  What the heck is going on out there?  

First a kangaroo held up traffic in West Virginia;

Then it was a loose Emu in Indiana;

or how about a rogue Peacock in Massachusetts?

It's a good thing Mr. Lombardi doesn't do the news at 6, he'd make Lewis Black sound like a preacher.

Bird Watchers

The Fresno Audubon Society  held their final meeting of the year last night.

Longtime President Judy Audubon-Johnson told everyone she would remain President for another year. "Ladybird", her nickname, is a direct descendant of John James Audubon.

Ladybird's report to society members revealed that a Roseate Tern, a Black-bellied Whistling Duck and another Snowy Owl were the highlights of 2024.

The Cardinal Award was presented to Howie Mandril for his photo of the baby Eaglet.  

As everyone knows there are two Bald Eagles that reside in the township. The society named them "Coach" and "Christine" in 2015 when they were first seen and heard high above Wilson's Knob.  

Howie has named the newest addition to the screaming eagle family "Dobber".

Ladybird's twitchy little sister, Keely, still claims that she saw an American Avocet.

Columbus ornithologist MacClain Stevenson's talk titled "Snowy Plover or Piping Plover" was well received.

The banquet was catered by the ladies of the church and featured fried chicken, fried beets, fried potatoes and deviled eggs. 

Ladybird adjourned the evening with a blackberry brandy toast.

Court News

A check of the local court dockets revealed that a lawsuit has been filed in County Justice Damon Troyer's court.

Marlene Deters is suing her former "best friend", Cynthia Harmony with being a 'snollygoster'.

"I have just had it with her purporting to be my friend, but letting me go out in public with my skirt tucked into my underwear in the back," said Marlene.

"One time she let me go on a double date with a huge piece of lint hanging in my nose!"  continued the flummoxed Deters.

"But the final straw was letting me walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe."

Justice Troyer said there is no precedent for such a charge, but he is looking forward to hearing the opening arguments. 

Trial date is set for Black Friday.

The CCC Opens Tonight!

The ribbon cutting ceremony, a meet and great mixer, and VIP preview will be held this afternoon for The Chili Convention Center.

"It's been years in development, and now we are so proud to show off our new baby," said CCC managing director Horst Hemmingway.

Along with our sister facility, The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall, Chili is now the perfect destination for all things entertainment.

After today's festivities, the floor will be cleared and preparations will begin for the first event: A sports memorabilia merchandise show. 

A detailed description of the upcoming calendar for The CCC  can be found on their InstaFace account.

Lunar Spelunking Anyone?

CNN recently reported about a cave being discovered on the moon. 

The tri-county chapter of the Ohio Spelunking Association, We-R-Cavers,  has filed a petition for permission to explore that cave.

"Our chapter is made up of scientists, archeologists, and amateurs," said Maury Wills, Grand Caver.

"We are financially stable and able to pay for transportation, and look forward to hearing back from NASA," Wills added.

More information on the locals can be found at www.downadarkhole.com.

Finals Held Here

The Fresno Civic Hall will be the site of this years International Board Game Championships.

Eight nations will be represented this year with local phenom, 13 year old Hans Groper, representing the United States of America.

Each qualifier had to win their regionals at Backgammon and Scrabble.

Last year's champion JangMi Cho from Incheon was grounded and couldn't compete.

The 5 day round robin competition will feature the board games Stratego, Battleship, Chutes & Ladders and Candyland.  The final day will put the four daily winners at the table for the winner take all Monopoly marathon.

Local Cable Channel 88 FZNO will broadcast live.  Bob Costas will do play by play and Drew Carey will be the analyst. 

County children have the week off from school to attend.

Charming

Because so many people are moving out of the city, Betway an online betting and gaming site, conducted a survey to find appealing places.

All sorts of metrics and variables were collected and Zanesville came up as No. 2 in the USA.

Channel 4's astute and revered veteran reporter Stephanie Thompson revealed that parks, museums, galleries in Zanesville helps with their appeal.  

The best secret in Ohio is The Zanesville Country Club.  And as hard as it is to believe, golf wasn't part of the equation.

What should noted is that Fresno got honorable mention.  

The Hoyt-Clagwell Museum, The 'Lij Huff shovel display, the Veterans Memorial Bell, the Hillside Music Archive, the Jean Durbin Ceramic Display, Aunt Myrtle's Erotic Paperback Library, and The Wooly Pig Brewery were mentioned.

"It's a good thing we only have one house for sale," said one anonymous resident, "or else big city folk will be moving here and they don't even know how to prime a pump!"

Offices Closed

The newsroom at The Fresnonion will be closed today, it's the late Toy Caldwell's birthday.

We will be open regular hours tomorrow.

In the event of major breaking news, we will cover it tomorrow.

Wolfe

Ted 

Mud

As most of you know by now, there are many uses for mud, the semi liquid mixture of soil and water.

Communities can't hold mudfests covered by Art Mann without first creating mud.

Children can't make mud pies or stomp in mud puddles with out the two-part sludge.

Then there's mud facials, mud soaks, mud wrestling, mud huts,  but the best use of mud is to rub it on baseballs.

Popular Science  magazine recently reported on the "magic mud" that is used to rub up baseballs before every game. 

What wasn't revealed in that story that a local Fresno company provides the mud to every major and minor league team in organized baseball.

"We are very fortunate to be able to pull the mud from the Mighty White Eyes Creek," said Fresno Mud CEO Alistair Cutshall. 

"There is a section of creek between the East Branch and the West Branch joining the White Eyes that is very, very silty," noted Alistair.  "That's the 'mother lode' or as we refer to it, 'the mudther lode'", he laughed.

Neighborhood News

Lucky, "the can man", wants everyone to know that he will not be around the next two weeks.

Lucky Olsen has made a living by scrapping, repairing, refinishing and reselling junk.  

He also has a regular route of picking up aluminum cans.  

"My customers are good about pulling out their beer cans for me. They also crush 'em and I pick 'em up onest at week," he said.

"But I want 'em to just hold on for the next couple of weeks, if they could.  I am taking the whole fam damly to Myrtle Beach," Lucky declared.

Cicada Fest

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are heading to Illinois.

Just south of Champaign, Illinois (on your way to Pesotum) is Tolono - the site of the much anticipated Champaign County Cicada Fest.

A once in 221 year thing is happening.  A double brood of cicadas are emerging.  The 13 year and the 17 year cicada have synced to make this year's fest one of the premier festivals in the midwest.

Rachel Grumman Bender. Yahoo.com's Life Health Editor,  has written extensively about eating these guys. 

There will be food trucks and the Decatur Brewing Company will have a special Cicada Shandy  bottled just for this summer.

Vendors will offer cicada mugs, hats, tee shirts, jewelry, plastic cicada Christmas tree ornaments, and a limited edition of cicada golf club headcovers.

The Sweeney brothers have been selected to be the Grand Marshals of the Cicada Parade and will be judges of the Little Miss Cicada pageant as well as the cicada eating contest.  Local DJ Mikey "he eats everything" Gleason will be at the head table, and is favoured 2-1 in the local casino.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will accompany the Sweeneys to the Cicada Fest and hope to have film edited by the evening news. 

Sayonara

Well after 40 years, Norma Jean Castle is heading home to Whitby.  The city sits on the north east coast of Great Britain and the Castle name is darn near royalty. The Castle Castle is on the tourist map.

Castle moved to the states when she was wooed by a pen pal Herschel Walkup.

They never married and claims she didn't really like him.  

He died.  And she's leaving.

Friends of Ms. Castle have organized a 'see ya later', 'bon voyage', 'nice to know ya' party for this coming Friday at the Stringtown Community Center.

Everyone who knew her should stop by to say "Goodbye, Norma Jean."

Legend Returns Home

Local high school basketball legend, Marguerite Hoskins, has returned to take a job in the local court system.

County Magistrate Arliss Freemantle has hired Hoskins to be his new tipstaff.

"Her overall presence will serve us well in carrying out the duties," said His Honor.

"Not only does she have some girth to her, she has a very strong voice," he noted.

Marguerite is well known state-wide for having scored 98 points, pulling down 98 rebounds, and blocking 18 shots in the state championships in 2014.

After a stellar career at Strasburg State University, she got her Juris Doctor at Powhatan College.  After getting her degree, Ms. Hoskins returned to the hardwoods playing 3 years professionally in the Scandinavian League.

"I am so happy to be home and serving the county and especially Uncle Arliss," she acknowledged. 

A 'welcome to the job' luncheon will be scheduled as soon as the ladies of the church return from their Vegas trip.

More Quip News

A while back we reported on the book release party at the Fresno Cafe  for Gladys McKnight.

Volume 4 of Gladys McKnight and her Quips has quickly risen to nearly breaking the top 200 of The New York Tribune'sbest-seller list.

Well now that literary masterpiece is available on Kindle, with a bonus chapter: Quips from the golf course.

Gladys, who is a 4 handicap by the way, has collected the many things golfers say to themselves and each other. Nuggets like:

- "That dog'll hunt" after hitting a long drive.

- "Stay on the porch" to your competitors when you go 2 up.

- When a putt doesn't make it to the hole, "never up, never in" is almost always said each round. (we don't acknowledge the double entendre anymore).

- "Get in the cart" after you make the putt and your partner doesn't need to hole out.

- "Do I need to find a bench?" when your partner/competitor begins what might be a long story.

These are just a few of the hundreds of pithy observations that Gladys has collected over the years.

You can download Gladys McKnight and Her Quips+ at www.neitheroneofus.lib

Choir 101

Skeet McAdamson has announced that she will be holding tryouts for the choir at The First Kirk of Conesville.

"As you probably already know, it is a very prestigious honor to be selected to join our choir," said McAdamson, Choir Director, with a side eye, over the reading glasses snear.

"We hold live auditions with one pre-selected hymn and one of the applicants choice," she added.  "We record them and critique from each section chair." 

The choir also requires a heritage background check and 2 sessions with a personality consultant to see if "you fit".

The successful applicant must know the difference between decrescendo and diminuendo  warned Skeet.

The First Kirk of Conesville is located on the right side of the road going into town and on the same side when leaving.

You can contact McAdamson on her myfacespace  page.

Service To Franchise

A Zanesville based company has announced that they will sell franchise rights to their business model.

Joy and Jacques Larity have confirmed that their attourney has filed franchise paperwork with the proper government officials so they can license "A Little Cleaning?"  trademark.

"You can't say midget or dwarf anymore, just 'little people'" said Joy who is in fact a "little person" like her husband.

Their slogan and advertising catch phrase was "do you need a little cleaning done"? They turned that into a business name and later into the franchise name: A Little Cleaning?.

Their workforce is made up entirely of little people.  

Each cleaning crew is equipped with size appropriate cleaning utensils and each van has a plethora of step stools and ladders.

Check out their website: www.diminutive.job

Lawsuit Filed

A recent Oktoberfest prize drawing has resulted in an injuction requested and lawsuit filed.

According to court records, Hiram Ostrander alleges that the festival committee chairman doesn't like him and selected an unwanted prize as payback.

"Look they wouldn't say what the grand prize was and I specifically told my 10 year old son not to enter," said Hiram.

Committee chairman, Sonny James, said the fact that he indeed doesn't care for Mr. Ostrander had nothing to do with little Billy winning an old burro, it was completely by chance.

"The kid thinks it's a wonderful grand prize, a major award," said James.

"We can't keep that thing tied up in the back yard," said Hiram, "what with the city code and all.  The neighbors are already complaining."

Township Chancellor Jud Buckner will hear opening arguments Monday after his golf, midday nap and late lunch.

Two in 1

A Texas Woman has the world's widest tongue.

United Press International has reported to the world that Brittany Lacayo's tongue is wider than 3 inches. And that is a Guinness World Record.

Lacayo then entered the record books by using said tongue to lick 9,345 stamps in one minute. 

She plans to go on the talk show circuit with her first appearance on The Daily Show.  Jordan Klepper says he's excited. 

MARVEL Studios say they are not interested at this time.

Need A Job?

The website USAFacts.org has listed the fastest growing jobs in the USA.

Wind turbine service technicians, solar photovoltaic installers, and nurse practitioner are near the top.

Locally, career counselor Samuel "Shakey" Throckmorton says silo painter is in demand.

"We also need diesel fitters, pond inspectors, and Mauritian Creole translators," Shakey added.

"But with the tremendous boom in the construction of shorter golf courses and the return of the hickory shafted clubs, there is a huge need for 'the feathery'", Throckmorton noted.

The "feathery" is a hand sewn leather golf ball that is stuffed with feathers.

"This requires a very small handed person with seamstress abilities,  suitable for the 12 to 13 year old," according to Shakey.

He also mentioned that shaft repair, caddies, and period attire tailors are desired.  

"I've never had to tailor a 56 inch waist with a 14 inch length of knickers before," said one anonymous tailor.

But the return to 'old style golf' will continue to place a tremendous demand on our workforce concluded Shakey.

Job Fair

Strasburg State University  will be holding their annual Jobs For All convention this weekend.

The SSU Auditorium will again host the many employers in the region that are always looking for good, hardworking, intelligent, well-groomed, handsome men and women.

Some of the many unfilled career opportunities include:

-Nomenclator

-Billy Boy

-Linotype Operator

"It's just a wonderful opportunity for the young to meet up with a possible employer," said Job Fair organizer Elon Stench. "I do advise to cover the tats and take out the studs." 

Doors open at 9 am Saturday.

The ladies of the church will serve tea and crumpets.

Sabatical Over

There have been many inquires to the FresnOnion home office as to the whereabouts of Pete and Clete Sweeney.

Sometimes you can work too much and the boss orders you to take a break.

This isn't the case.  Pete and Clete were tasked with covering The Open in Scotland.

Clete griped about the food and Pete asked if they could delay it a week because he was entered in a charity fundraiser at the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

The boss tersely asked them to leave for 2 weeks and come back with a better attitude.  

They're back.  Pete has not shaved and Clete has lost 2 pounds.  They are attending tonight's debut of the Mott the Hoople tribute band at the Gnadenhutten Civic Hall.  

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will simulcast.  The group has a hit climbing the Top 40 charts:  All The Middle-aged Dudes (spreading fake news).

Sadly - 2023 Handsome Hound 

Value Added

There is a new company start-up in White Eyes Township.

Curt's Custom Cabs has officially opened in the old Town Centre Mall space.

There are times when a farmer can spend hours upon hours in a tractor seat.

After 50 years as a grain farmer, he left to start this company.  Curt says, "I've been there and just wanted to make that time more enjoyable." 

So with that in mind Curt's Custom Cabs will upgrade any enclosed tractor cab.  DVD players, stereo equipment, coolers, blue tooth phone and video capabilities are just some of his improvements.

"There are fields where the farmhand heads out with plows or planters and turns around a day later," noted Curt. "So I want to keep him or her entertained.

Curt's Custom Cabs can also install canopies and covers too.  Not all tractors can be upgraded though, "I just couldn't figure out how to work on a Hoyt-Clagwell."

Check out all accessories and upgrades at www.tractorbling.ag

Average Lives Here

A local man has been awarded The Joe Walsh Ordinary, Average Guy Award.

Stanley Schmeckman has been named the 2024 recipient.

Ordinary, Average Committee President Booby Gibson says Schmeckman's essay submission was what put him on top.

"Instead of writing paragraphs on why he should be considered, he just sent a screenshot of his daily 'to do' list," said Gibson.

Mary Ellen Lansing

Tonight's Menu Special

Chef Milton at Baltic's 1 1/2 star resort,            The Tie-Dyed Lotus,  has just published tonight's menu special.

"I have revived an oldie and goodie," said Chef Milton. "Tonight I am proud to feature the Dixie Chicken along with the Tennessee Lamb."

Chef Milton says he hasn't gone to this effort in over 3 years now even though it has been requested every weekend since then.

Each dish will be paired with southern belle peppers, dixieland smashed potatoes and Memphis light beer.

"It was a once-a-month special down at the Commodore Hotel  where I apprenticed, and quite frankly, I was tired of those two entrees," confessed the world class chef.

Reservations are a must at  The Tie-Dyed Lotus.

Managers Note:  The dress code frowns on cargo shorts, crocs and sleeveless t-shirts.  

Holiday Hours

With the upcoming holiday season approaching, many local businesses and industry have started to plan ahead.

Disraeli Gears, Sprockets, & Cogwheels has announced that they will be closed November for Thanksgiving and December for Christmas/New Years.

"Our workforce enjoys the year-end paid vacation," said company President Bennie Disraeli.

"It was a world of pain to get this strange brew of a workforce to understand that if they worked hard for ten months, they'd get two months off, but they get it now," continued the octogenarian corporate leader.

Disraeli Gears, Sprockets & Cogwheels is located in the Otsego Industrial Park and employment there one of the most coveted jobs around.

The only person who does work in November and December is Mr. Disraeli's secretary/receptionist, the statuesque Jane Hathaway (the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills still misses her.)

New Eats

The Eat Here Diner  has been purchased and after months of renovation and a soft opening last weekend, TheCluck Oink Moo is now open.

Local Chef Sherman "Stoney" Workman is the owner and says, "We don't do seafood."

"All food I'll serve is what I raise or grow out on the Workman Plantation," he noted.

The entrees are chicken, pork or beef with your choice of beans, broccoli, or corn.  The side salad is Stoney's hybrid lettuce with tomato, carrots, radishes and onion.  All salads come with the Workman Plantation honey mustard dressing.

"We keep it simple and you'll leave with a full belly," he promised.  

There are no take-home boxes.  All leftovers are fed to the homeless who work in the kitchen.

The Cluck Oink Moo is located just 8 miles off the interstate, close to the county road.

Check out their website at: www.justabitgassy.burp

Ban Lifted

By now you must have noticed that there have been zero reports from The Browns games submitted by Pete and Clete Sweeney.

Well after months and months of appeal hearings, the Browns have lifted their ban on Clete attending home games.  Clete was also banned from wearing his Robert McKay jersey.

Brother Pete compiled hours of video documenting Clete's clumsiness and it was finally determined that Clete did not "intentionally spill four cups of PBR on the Steeler fans"  seated in front of him.

Pete and Clete (who is still putting on weight) will be back in the stands for the next home game vs. the Bengals on Oct. 20.

2024 ElectionResults

With 100% of the ballots counted and re-counted, Proposition 818 has been soundly rejected.

By a count of 87 to 5, the Greater Fresno Parks and Recreation  proposal to upgrade and construct many recreational facilities was turned down.

Exit interviews at the polls were an early indication that the idea was in trouble as, "i ain't votin' for that!" was uttered by many.

"I guess it wasn't such a good idea after all," said committee chairman Gary.  He did note that while his group had ten members, only 5 voted for passage.

One anonymous voter did suggest a couple of golf courses in the proposal might have helped it's passage.

11 Octaves !

It's official.

Local opera singer Xander Schnauffelman has the widest range of any human.

Now we all know that Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston,  Freddie Mercury and Beyonce have an octave range of 7.

And until now, a gentleman by the name of Tim Storms. an American singer and composer held the Guinness World Record for both the "lowest note produced by a human" and the "widest vocal range" that being a range of 10. The famous Ohio Newscaster Jim Leckrone had the deepest voice on earth.

But Xander, the 22 year old who trained and studied at the famed Oberlin Conservatory of Music, has been verified as a possessing a range of 11 octaves.

He has been hired as choir director for all county elementary schools and will give voice lessons in the evenings.

Neighbors Bernice and Lester (last name withheld) say they know when he's warming up.

"The low notes sound like a milk truck jake brake," said Lester.

"His high notes really bother our puggles," added Mrs. Brown.

No Golf Course?

It is no secret that the staff and management at the fresnOnion  think golf is one of the most important industries, ever.

But Golf Monthly recently revealed that there are some countries that don't have even one golf course!

Tuvalu in the Pacific Ocean, while not having a golf course has formed the Tuvalu Golf Association, with no place to play.  They have to fly to Australia, 2300 miles away.

Now - on Thanksgiving Day - comes word that world renowned golf course architect, George Kidwell, has been commissioned to build one in Tuvalu's capital, Funafuti.

Kidwell is known to be a minimalist, both in lifestyle and architecture. He says it will be quick and easy.

"No need to move dirt, we'll just figure out a route, throw some seed down and mow," said George.

Kidwell created the storied Fresno National Golf Club, but says Funafuti Links GC will be a public daily fee, "...not a snooty, exclusive, private place like Fresno National..."

An anonymous spokesperson at the Tuvalu Visitor Bureau says that only 2 foursomes of tourist players will be permitted each week. 

We'll keep you posted.  By the way, the offices at the fresnOnion  are closed today.  We are playing golf and watching football.

Clem's girlfriend, Erlene

July        July                July                 July                 July                     July                    July 

Thanks for reading the fresnOnion

it's been 31 days...........

From The Blotter

Constable Rollie F. Trupe says things could've been worse. "It was a cluster," he said.

It was Senior Citizen night  at The Round N'Round.  The local skating rink sets aside every Monday for the geriatric, but last night was different.

A tour busload of British seniors stopped in, strapped up and proceeded to hit the boards.

Only problem was they went the wrong way in the wrong lane.

Local EMTs were called to treat the mostly minor injuries.

One Londoner was taken to the hospital for observation because she kept mumbling something about missing tea, crisps and crumble.

Technician Dale Evanstorm says she went through a lot of gauze and ice packs.

The Round N'Round manager indicated that because the night ended early and no one stayed for the smorgasbord, all leftover Mac & Cheese will be free today.

Hair Revelations

CNN's Astute writer, Ashley Strickland, recently wrote about the analysis of Ludwig van Beethoven's hair.  

The revelation of high levels of lead may have been the reason for his deafness and early death.

Upon further research, we have also learned that Beethoven had a daily diet of trail bologna and swiss cheese.  

His hair also had high levels of Dr. Pepper and Cheetos.

It was widely known that Ludvig also drank a lot of sloe gin fizzes. 

His lack of exercise was confirmed, as many who knew him said he loved to recline in his bean bag chair.

Strickland's will probably be a regular contributor to the fresnonion.

WORD

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released this month's words for your conversations.

"This month we are really fed up with the ugly turn in the everyday word choice," said Club leader Wilomena Levengood.

"The curse words, dirty. invective,
four-letter words;  the naughty, obscene, profane and vulgar are out of hand," she offered.

With that in mind the Club's suggestions for you to replace such words are:

Dang

Darn

Golly

Heck 

Gosh-darn

Dagnabbit

Doggonit

Malarky

Gosh

Drat

Gee willikers

CheeseNRice

"Let's clean it up," pleaded Wilomena.

Benevolence

The recent  reading of Hubert Humrickhouse's will revealed that his entire estate has been endowed to the Johnson Humrickhouse Museum in Roscoe Village.

The stipulation that the money only be spent on a new wing to house his massive collection of "doodle art" from around the world.

Doodle Art is defined as aimless scribbles on paper.  Every culture is blessed with scribblers and Hubert collected these during his travels.

When contacted about the bequeathal,  Museum Director Jennifer Bush's executive assistant, who insisted on anonymity, said: "wow".  And we here in the fresnOnion  newsroom believe her.

Local architect Susan Looche was hired by Mr. Humrickhouse over three years ago.  "He knew he wanted to do this, so I've been doodling some ideas since," said Looche.

Construction on the 1 million square foot wing should begin in the spring. 

Bush will take possession of the late Humrickhouse's checkbook, worth over $1.7 billion on Monday.

Solved!

The graduating seniors at  Strasburg State University  are on a roll.

For centuries the dodecahedrons that were discovered in Roman excavation sites have puzzled mankind.

Laura Baisis at Popular Science website says that the largest ever found is on display at the Newark, England museum.

The students have submitted a paper explaining the use of the twelve-sided object.

The ceramic department made replicas and each student took them home to study and ponder.

"We believe that they were planters," says Professor Patricia Pointsett.

"It is our collective opinion that the planters were used both indoor and out.  Indoors on a plant stand and outdoors as hanging baskets," she proffered.

"I did have one student think they were dog toys," Patty pointed out.

​That dog now has dentures.

Investors Needed

     Local jeweler Monus Steintruber in Baltic is looking for financial backing for his newest idea.

     Word has leaked that the planet Mercury has a ten mile thick layer of diamonds.  Robert Lea is now reporting that very fact in a recent story on space.com.  And, this prolific writer's expose is mind-blowing.

     NASA's MESSENGER (Mercury Surface, Space Environment, Geochemistry, and Ranging) has been sending back data since 2004 and has determined that the precious gem is very prevalent.

     With that in mind, Monus wants to form a mining company on the first rock from the sun.

     Stop in his store on 21st Street, if you are interested.  He serves tea at 3.

     Steintruber also wants everyone to know that replacement class rings are now 50% off.  His stock goes back to the class of '49.

Write That Down

While having a piece of pie at Workman's Fine Dining recently, this writer overheard a most interesting conversation.

Two old boys were having breakfast and talking about the weather.  How hot June was and how cold these August mornings are. 

The first old boy concluded with quite conviction and certainty in his voice that "the times they are a changin'."  

"I should write that down," he said.

The second old boy said, "Dylan already did."

"Is he one of those New Bedford Dillons?" asked the first.

"No, he's a singer, horrible voice too," said the second.

"Bet  he plays golf," stated the first.

"What is our tee-time?," wondered the second.

​"I don't like tea, stick to coffee," snarled the first.

These are strange days, I thought.  Somebody should write that down.

A Fine Pair

At one time the Northern Bald Ibis could be found on three continents.  But over the years they became near extinct.

But extensive efforts to grow the flock have resulted in a reintroduction project in Europe.

The International Union for Conservation of Nature Red List of Threatened Species  has now awarded a pair to the rural outskirts of Fresno.

Daphne Duncan, local ornithologist, has confirmed that her application has been granted.

"I have longed to obtain a mating pair of the Ibis," she squawked.

Daphne, a former prom queen and Miss Jr. Keene Queen at Keene High School, has long been involved with the flying species. Her twin sister, DeeDee does not like birds and owns a pellet gun. 

"We own over 10,000 acres between Fresno and it's suburb of Keene," she noted. "And I will put a live video feed up on my website www.iprobablyamkookoo.com"

When the pair arrive, Ms. Duncan plans to have a 'Meet and Greet' fundraiser scramble at Lake Lila Country Club..

Photographers Recognized

The Smithsonian Magazine has recognized Vivian Maier for her street photography.  Maier's first museum exhibition is currently on view at Fotografiska New York.

Locally, famous Township Road photographer Lionel Burton has his works on display at the internationally acclaimed Fresno Art Gallery.

Burton gleaned works from four areas of interest: The paved road, the chip and seal, the graded dirt road and the roads that have never seen a road grader. 

Lionel has also photographed football games, queen contests, golden anniversary  parties, farm implements but has never had his picture taken.

"We are so blessed with miles and miles of township roads," said Burton the shy lensman who lives on a single lane dirt road.  

"I love life here and the opportunities for photography, but I do not appreciate the kids writing 'Wash Me' on my dusty car," he noted.

Back To School

The first day of school is coming up one of these days (and none to soon according to local mother, Kaitlyn).

With that impending big day comes a notice from local grade school administration.

"There are some new rules in place for K thru 6," says Elementary Principal Gene Oberhorning.

Those rules are:

1.  All boys must be clean shaven. Everyday.  All sideburns must be no longer than halfway down the ear.  No lambchop sideburns.

2. All boys must wear shirts with sleeves and collars.

3. All boys hair must be parted, side or middle according to each's cowlick.

4. All boys must have a belt on, and tightened in such a manner that there are no "pants on the ground".

5. All girls must have their hair pulled into a pony tail.  If they have short hair then at least two bobby pins shall be used on each side.  No hair in the face.

6. All girls skirts must be touching the knee.

7.  All blouses must have sleeves and collars.

8. All tattoos will be judged by the homeroom teacher as to appropriateness and artistic value. 

In All Seriousness Folks

We in the newsroom at The Fresnonion strive to report that which you need to know.

In this season of cheating, we must tell you about The World Conkers Championship in London.

Now we all know that Conkers is trying to smash your opponents conker with your conker.  

But there are allegations that a 82 year old Dave Jakins, the winner in the men's division, used a steel ball!

"No I didn't" he said even though a steel ball was found in his pocket.

A sweet little thing from Indiana, Kelci Banschbach won the Championship by smashing Jakins' conkers.

Many claim she won because the old man kept his steel balls in his pants.

Before Spellcheck.....

                   ............Smokey the Bear was a bad speller.

Silly, To Some

Elnora Van Nostrum has had enough.

"I am on a mission to stamp out, eradicate, eliminate absurdity," said Elnora.

With that as a stated mission she has formed the "Committee to Restore Normal Humor".

"What we won't accept is the absurdity of speech, acts or thoughts," she profferred.  

"Jocularity and laughter is needed for a healthy life, but the ridiculousness, the wacky, the crazy...well I just can't stand it!"

Her committee will meet once a week, on Wednesday's.  They will watch one episode of the Carol Burnett Show and then discuss how to fight 'weird' and promote Laughter as The Best Medicine. 

Elnora did want to note that she will always provide salted snacks, but it is a BYOB affair.

Looks Like

The local chapter of the National Doppelganger Identification Society has a new discovery.

Perpetual political candidate Morley Wolfe, who runs for everything in east-central Ohio, looks like Arthur Carlson.  

"Once it was pointed out to me, it is remarkable.  He does look like 'Big Guy' the station manager of WKRP in Cincinnati," said Society member Bailey Morgan.

"I don't see it," Wolfe responded, "but I am running for Congress."

Wolfe has never been elected, but has great name and visual recognition. 

Such A Nerdboy

Archeologists have made a discovery that they believe might be a compass owned by Copernicus.

This is the same guy that theorized the earth revolves around the Sun, the jury is still out on that one for some people.

The outstanding website, Artnet.com, has a lengthy story on the discovery written by the astute and unshaven Tim Brinkof.

Brinkof would not deny or confirm the rumor that also found at the site of the Copernicus compass  was his pocket protector with a 4-color ink pen, No. 2 pencil, miniature screwdriver, toothpicks, reading glasses, toothbrush, a golf tee, and Q-tips.

2nd Location

Local power couple Myrtle and Glenn Zygot have announced the purchase of the former Wayne Manor.

"It is our intention to open another Bed and Beverage after the renovations," said Myrtle.

Their wildly popular bed and beverage, out on CR 10, is sold out every Thursday through Sunday morning for the next 4 years.

Glenn has the largest stocked bar in the country.  His warehouse often helps out the local state store when they run out.

The variation of the "bed and breakfast" has proved to be a hit.

"Yea, we don't cook breakfast here, heck we don't get up 'til 11," said Myrtle.

Part of the fun each evening is "stump Glenn" where the guests try to request a beverage that he's never heard of.  Back in '09 he was flummoxed, until the guest admitted that she just made up the drink name. It was a triple entendre and Glenn blushed.

Each guest gets a breakfast voucher for Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie, Pasta and Breakfast Emporium which is located just down at the intersection.

The guests also gets a complimentary Miles of Smiles drink every evening at 6, and a box of Alka Seltzer on the pillow.

"We expect renovations on "the Manor" to be compleated by the end of the year," noted Glenn.

Regatta Details Set

The annual Labor Day Regatta on the Mighty White Eyes has been expanded to 4 days.

Thursday  will feature the rowing competition.

Friday  is for the sail boats.

Saturday  will be the traditional speedboat races.

And Sunday  will be the "Great Tie-off & Parade".  Last year over 600 boats set an all time high for the number of boats and indecent exposure warnings. 

The "anything that floats but a boat" will put in at the Orange boat ramp and float past the tie-off.  Judges awards will be announced at 6pm. This year 1st Place pays $3,000.18.

Local Blues Rock band Zeke 'N Eddie with special guest Joe Walsh sitting in will provide the parade soundtrack.

All activities will take place at the mouth of the Mighty White Eyes and Tuscarawas Creek. 

Community Roundtable

With the arrival of December, the First of the month community discussion topic tonight will be: Chit Chat.

Professor of Sociolinguistics, Dr. Chris Schenkel, who is on loan from Strasburg State University,  will lead the open forum.

"Chit Chat is the art of pleasant dialogue," said Dr. Schenkel.  "It is meant as a friendly overture to someone as acceptance that you are spending  a brief period of time together. Usually at the grocery store, waiting in line at calling hours or in the lobby at juvenile court." 

Chit Chat is non confrontational and should not 'push their buttons', added the Professor.

Local housewife, Beth Bongstreth, suggested the topic.  "I just want people to mention the weather or ask about the kids," she said.

"I am so tired with the 'factoid droppers' you know the ones. When they greet you with a 'did you know...' you just want to scream!" she snorted.

Dr. Schenkel said that he will also help those in attendance with distinguishing chit chat from prattle, gossip and chuntering.

Tonight's roundtable will be held in the banquet room of the activity center in Pearl. Doors will open at 6.

The ladies of the church will provide pastries and schnapps.

Mullein Twins

        Multiple Mullein Winner 

(Tucamcari, NM) The National Mullein Growers Association held their annual convention recently at theBlue Swallow Motel in Tucamcari, New Mexico.

A Fresno area man was again the winner in four categories at the Mullein summit last week.

The annonymous 'Mullein legend' won for his "Mullein from a rock"  for the second time.  His "Back-Door Mullein"  was a first time ribbon winner.

This year his "Mullein Twins"  was an award winner and the "Dwarf Mullein"  took home Best in Show.

His name was again withheld as he doesn't want "...bothersome tourists..."

A I Hits Home

Artificial Intelligence (AI) has been in the news quite a bit lately.  We've been warned for decades.

Now it seems that high school sports officials are being forced to confront the issue.

Local golf phenom, Stephen Hesterberg, has paired artificial intelligence with his golf game.

Hesterberg has developed a hat that stimulates neurotransmitters and sends a signal to his brain.

Over the past year, while practicing on the range if he felt he had just hit a perfect 6 iron he would hit "save".  

He did that for all golf shots that could be needed in a round.  When he "thought" of the perfect wedge shot, his brain would send the signal to his muscles and the results were mindblowing.

He came in second at the state finals because he got a bad bounce on the last hole.  He hadn't practiced the 150 yard, low hook around a tree, over a pond to a front pin.

Hesterberg, a sophomore, will testify before a joint committee from  Congress and High School Athletic Directors in August.

To The Extreme

It's the last full week of July, which means that The National Extreme Unicycling Championships  are about to begin.

This year the Eastern Association of Unicycle Amateurs & Professionals is the host and has chosen White Eyes Township for the site.

"White Eyes Township is widely know for the unique rock formations and with Standing Rock as the centerpiece we thought it a natural choice," said Association chairman Ooley Gaung. 

Three time defending champion, Lutz Eicholz has been here for months getting a lay of the rocks.  

In all over 500 competitors are entered in the various flights.  The under 12 flight will start first thing Monday morning at 7.

Smithey Ambulance Service has agreed to post EMTs at all sites. And Apple has provided air tags for all contestants.

For more information go the the Association's website:  www.mentalcycle.uni

June      June     June     June     June    june    june     june

BREAKING NEWS

This just in.  Officials at the Baltic International Zoo have confirmed rumors they have been awarded a troop of Proboscis Monkeys.

"We are so very, very fortunate and grateful for such news," said the Zoo's chief administrator William 'Mac' Anudo.

"This zoo has so many benevolent patrons, and that is what makes this possible," Anudo continued.

A welcome party for the large snouted primates will be announced at a later date.

​If you do attend the party, don't stare at their nose.

The Ashes of Pompeii

    A heartwarming story by CNN's sapient reporter Barbie Latza Nadeau, archeologists recently revealed a man and woman huddled together. 

    When Mt. Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD they must have sensed something was up.  She was found with a cache of  coins and her jewelry.  

    It should also be noted that he was found with his golf clubs and walkman.

Kerr Jarman

Page To Stage

By now we all know that there is a new biography out about Shemp Howard, the other Stooge.

Shemp! by Burt Kearns is called the definitive biography of one of the original 3 Stooges.

Local thespian Kerr Jarman has developed a one-man portrayal of the great actor.

Titled "I'm Not Curly", the three act dramatic performance will open next Thursday at the Walhounding Theatre.

"I had been thinking of my next project and then the bio came out and it was like a message from above or something," said Jarman. "So I just went with that."

Jarman is best known for his touring portrayal of Howard Schnellenberger. He would get standing ovations when he closed with the famous Schnellenberger quote: "What you want to do is run the carpetbaggers up north empty-handed."

Tickets are on sale everywhere CBD and Tapee Tea is sold.

Location, Location, Location

A year ago the Himmler sisters decided that since they were all widowed they should move back to the old neighborhood.

Lucy Watson, Jeannie Brown, and Nellie Johnson had lived all over the United States.  But they insisted on purchasing the empty and heretofore unsellable mansion that was built on the dogleg of hole #11 at The Lake Lila Country Club.

"We just didn't think that so many balls would land in our backyard," said Nellie.

"Are there that many slicers?" queried Jeannie.

"We have bushel baskets of errant balls for sale," offered Lucy.

They've taken their earnings from selling other peoples balls and erected a 200 ft. net to protect their property.

The neighbors say "good for you," the club has filed an injunction. 

The township judge refused to hear the case. 

​Club Pro Guy complains they are undercutting his ball sales. 

Deep Thoughts

A recent article by advanced journalist Kate Golembiewski at CNN revealed that millions of years ago (66 if you demand exactness), ants started farming fungi. The fungi subsequently produce food for the ants.

This all started after an asteroid hit earth and wiped out the dinosaurs. 

But the students, who think, at Strasburg State University  started to wonder.

"Where the ants already here, and if so, what did they eat before the asteroid?"

Renowned Theoretical Professor Dr. Albie Lopez and his students in the Philosophical Nescience Department  have published a theory that the ants were delivered to earth via the asteroid.

"We believe that ants are aliens," said Dr. Lopez. "Not that family at the end of the street."

Word Came Today

The Great Lakes Flora Foundation  has just awarded a Fresno woman with the coveted and prestigious Devil's Pitchfork Citation.

Hortense Van Zandt submitted her          potted Devil's Beggartick for        consideration back on August 3rd.

"I just never dreamed that it would               be a winner, what with the drought            and all, but my wife Stevie and I just kept puttin the water to it and behold - a winner!" said the emotional gentlewoman.

The Van Zandt's have been cultivating the Bidens Frondosa, that's the Genus of the Aster family, for decades now.

"They usually grow 2 or three feet high, but this one was well over 3 feet, three inches," noted Ms. Van Zandt proudly.

"When I got that Western Union Telegram, my first thought was 'oh this is gonna be bad' but it turned out to be the news of the day," declared Hortense.

The Foundation cited the plant's breadth, width, heighth, and leaf health that all graded out superior.

To celebrate, the Van Zandts will dine at the bowling alley and play Springsteen on the table top jukebox.

Author Here

The wildly popular author Skeet "Shooter" McGavin will be at the Oberlin College Branch Library  in Fresno this Saturday.

On the heels of his newest fiction, Indubitably Questionable, McGavin will sign copies from 5-10 pm.

"I've also carved out some time to read a few passages and take pictures with my fans," said Shooter.

Moira Trenkbottom is the Sr. Assistant Librarian in charge of the Adult Section, and says McGavin's novels are the most loaned in Ohio.

"In fact we have so many of his books, we call it 'Skeet Row' she giggled. 

​The ladies of the church will serve pinot.

Who'da Thought?

Max and Erma Leen's Roadside Diner has decided to add something new to their morning breakfast menu.

Erma says, "I just saw so many guys putting their egg on their toast and eating it like a sandwich I just thought why not do it for them?"

With that in mind, you will now find a breakfast sandwich featured prominently on the menu with a picture even.

"She even saw some weirdo putting their bacon on it too!" exclaimed Max.

Leen's Roadside Diner will not only build your breakfast sandwich on toasted bread, you'll also have the option of biscuit, bun, or bagel.

"We're are considering a slice of ham instead of bacon," sighed Erma.  "I guess we no longer live in a world where breakfast is bacon, eggs and toast."

Cheese is extra.

Another Paid Advertisment

Editor's Note:  Local Hardware Store owner, Lonnie Donegan, contacted the fresnonion yesterday to ask how the Howard Johnson's "paid advertisment" worked.

When we explained that they give us money to talk about and promote them, he said, "I want to try that. Is this something new cause of Trump?"

Paid Advertisment

Donegan's Hardware Store wants everyone to know that they now have the following products available:

Donegan's Hardware will be open everyday from 9 to 4.  But you will have to ring yourself out at the register if you come while Ohio State is on.

​You can find their entire catalogue online at www.doneganhardware.skiffle

Local Racers Return

The Egg & Spoon Race was held recently in Jalisco, Mexico.  The event broke a Guinness World Record with over 2700 students participating, as reported by the acclaimed Ben Hooper of United Press International.

The Hambleton twins, Claude and Maude, made the trek to compete.

After months of fundraising and asking for sponsorships their quest ended badly.

"Claude tripped three steps into the race," said Maude who had no trouble balancing her egg in a spoon.

Enough racers finished the 100 meters, so young Hambleton did not cost the organizers the record.

While Claude was the first out of the race, he was the first to be served scrambled eggs.

League News 

The Ladies of the Church Mahjong and Kitchen Kraft Beer League will start again on December 3rd.

The December Beer Flavor is Raspberry. The ale should be ready for January's play.

Delores DeLuca(D.D. to her close friends and mailman) says new members are always welcome.

But, the club's longtime President, says "You must  bring your own tiles. Last season we had a couple of girls come just for the beer." 

The first evening, as always, is the organizational meeting. The agenda includes voting on President, committee assignments, selecting monthly beer flavors, membership fees, absenteeism and fighting policies, and permitted swear words. 

D.D. also noted that the season ending TILES & TAPS Night  is slated for Valentine's Day, plan accordingly.

Welcome Him Home

For the better part of two weeks now, we have noticed some activity at the longtime abandoned newsstand.

Yesterday, it was revealed that Newman Hanratty has moved home. 

Hanratty left town right after high school and operated a very successful locksmith business in the big city.

"I've got quite a few years under my belt and just wanted to come home," said the accomplished locksmith. "Plus the golf courses are so much better here."

He has moved the extensive inventory into the newly renovated site and is open for business.

So while out and about make it a point to stick your head in the door and say, "Hello Newman."

Space News

"Voyager 1 is back online!"  That was the headline in a recent Space.com revelation. The universally admired space nerd Stephanie Waldek is the author of this expose.

Launched in 1977, Voyager 1 is 14 billion miles away.  Something happened and eight months ago it started sending goofy data back.

However summer intern Abner Doubletree from Strasburg State University moved a three inch stack of papers that revealed a 'reset' button.

"Can't believe that was all that was needed," said a sheepish NASA veteran who begged for anonymity.

A footnote to the story indicates that the papers Doubletree moved were the inter-office fantasy football draft results.

​For his efforts Doubletree received a $20 GameStop gift card.

For Lefty Lovers

The Lefty Frizzell Tribute Show  will be coming to the Miller's Dip Grange Hall this Saturday evening.

"We are so very proud and excited to present this exciting event," said Grange Hall Event Assistant Scheduler Bob.

Country music fans old and new will hear and see a show that reminds them of country music of days gone by, according to a press release.

The only right-handed guitar player named 'Lefty' is played by Junior Sampson.  Sampson by the way is left handed.

The show stopper is their rendition of Saginaw, Michigan.

Local cable channel 88, FZNO, will broadcast a tape delayed, edited version, on Sunday morning.  The broadcast will follow morning Mass live from Our Lady of Lafayette Church.

Lester 'Roadhog' Moran and His Cadillac Cowboys  will be the warm up entertainment.

First Franchise

The very first Ruben's Reubens franchise will be located out on the highway.

"We are so very proud to locate our first franchise in this area," said franchisee Penny "Pip" Queen.

American Idol second season winner Ruben Studdard is the namesake of this new food venture.

"The traditional sandwich has corned beef, sauerkraut, swiss cheese and thousand island dressing on rye," said Ruben.  "But we will feature ten different breads and 20 different cheeses so every time you come you can have a new experience," he added.

Ruben's Reubens  will even have a breakfast sandwich.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will cover the grand opening and ribbon cutting ceremonies when they open.  

Pip says they need employees....that want to work.

"I Quit"

The Sweeney brothers who cover news and sports events for The FresnOnion have informed the front office that Clete (who's put on a little weight) will no longer cover the Browns games.

"I went all the way to Washington to witness that?!" asked an exasperated Clete. "I can't think of one thing to write about except the media buffet."

Clete's brother Pete will continue to honor his contract.

"I will miss the meal allowance money," admitted Clete.

Tonight, Tonight, Tonight...!

Another pop-up midnight ramble will take place tonight at 7:30.

The regionally popular accordion rock band Yankee Frankovic will hit the stage at the Pearl Grange Hall.

The band is fronted by the the Nelson twins, Gunnar and Matthew.  Gunnar plays a Roland FR-8x while Matthew jams on his vintage Hohner Gola.

The Nelsons promise that tonight's encore will be a cover of Eric Johnson's Cliffs of Dover.

Doors for tonight's merriment open at 6:30.  You should be home by midnight when the "Courtship of Eddie's Father" marathon begins on local cable channel 88 FZNO.

As usual, bring your own drinks, lawn chairs and extra sawdust. 

The ladies of the Church will serve spicy Tai food.

Electioneering

The Fall Season is upon us.  That also means that an election is coming up.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe is again on the ballot.  And again Rollie is running unopposed for the fifteenth time.

But the fact that Rollie is so well liked and nobody else wants the job, hasn't stopped the negative advertising.

Last night during the Ag Report on local cable channel 88 FZNO,  a commercial accusing Constable Trupe of ignoring his diet, sneaking an occassional Marlboro and hiring somebody to change the oil in his '71 Chevy Vega was aired.

Investigation by this desk, through the Freedom of Information Act, revealed that his wife, Judy,  paid for the commercial.

​"I didn't want him to feel left out," said Judy.

Memoirs Released Today

    With the recent passing of Charles Osgood, J.D. Souther, and now Kris Kristofferson, a local writer has decided to release her memoir.

    Mary Ellen Lansing, a prolific writer of salacious romantacy novels, has given the go ahead to her publisher to sell the collection of her life stories.

    The Melancholy of My Decades shares the life and times of the 92 year old.  Lansing has always written the "bodice ripper" novellas that have provided her with a good life.

    "I am pretty well off because of those books," laughed Mary Ellen. "How do you think I paid for 8 facelifts?"

    The trilogy featuring Paco the poolboy sat atop the best-seller lists for years.

    Her autobiography hits the stands today.  Look for it wherever books, booze and motor oil is sold.

No X in Nixon

The International Palindrome Society will convene this coming week in Coshocton, Ohio.

The Society's Chairman, Art Tra, says that palindrome enthusiasts, creators, and collectors from all over the world will traverse to the highly intellectual east-central Ohio city.

This will be the 66th year in a row that the spacious Lake Park Pavilion will house the festivities.

The end of the week awards ceremony will name the best new song, new sentence and new phrase. Each category winner will receive The "Anna".

Able Elba, will perform for the crowd during the Saturday Night Gala.  Elba is know for his version of The Palindrome Song originally by The Riders in the Sky.

The public is cautioned to refrain from calling authorities if they hear funny talking.

Rare as Rare Can Be

Beginning tonight you will be able to see and hear one of the most legendary Jazz combos in history.

As rare as the Tapanuli Orangutan, Claude Thornburg and the Prickly 6 will be playing in our neighborhood.

Ellington's Indigo Lounge  will turn their stage over to Thornburg and his slide trombone on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday night.

"We played this wonderful little speakeasy back in 1975," said Claude, "but the tour never rotated back here."

Ellington's  is the most famous venue for jazz and blues in eastern Ohio, and is managed by JJ Ellington's grand daughter Nora.

"We are so pleased to have them and the place is sold out tonight with so many home for Thanksgiving," noted Nora.  

"We'll all take Thursday off and then open the doors at 6 on Friday and Saturday," she added.

Music starts at 9 each evening.

A recent review in Downbeat Magazine claimed: "Claude Thornburg and The Prickly 6 are surprisingly still playing.  The fact that Thornburg, who is 89, can still deliver a ninety second solo shouldn't be missed. It's amazing how seven on stage can sound like a trio." 

Ellington's Indigo Lounge  is located a mile outside the southern city limits, next to McCarren's Gravel Pit.

Some say it is just criminal that Claude has never been nominated for the NEA Jazz Masters Fellowship.

Stanley

(oops...)

Inspections Begin

The Governor's Office of  Weights, Measurements and Statistics has begun their annual certification of local farmers markets and road side produce stands.

"We are diligent in making sure all scales are accurate," said Cletus McPherson the W.M.S. Director.

His office is also in charge of testing the employees as to their ability to count.  

"This way you are assured that when you purchase a dozen ear of corn, you actually get twelve," Cletus added.

Look for the Governor's Seal of Approval  at all vendors.

Again, News you really should not believe

OCP Forms PAC

The Ohio Cheese Producers  coalition has announced that they have formed a political action committee.

"We won't endorse anybody, we just want pro cheese legislation," said new committee chair Owen Cash.

"We've sent cheese trays to every Congressman and Senator in hopes of getting their attention on these important matters," Cash noted.

When pressed on what are "important matters" to cheesemakers, he listed:

1. Whey disposal

2. Standardized sample sizes

3. Standardized Cheese Melt temperatures.

4. Real Cheese in Cheeze puffs.

5. Real Cheese in Cheeze Whiz

6. Cheese D.E.I.  (not all cheese's are alike)

More information on the OCP-PAC can be found on their website:  www.boundup.net

Clem

     Intern Solves Message

Another intern from Strasburg State University  has shone brightly this summer.

Eloise Hinter said she likes to solve puzzles.

Seems there have been mysterious radio signals coming from the sun of all places, as reported by the astute and keenly intelligent Frank Landymore at futurism.com.

There have been radio signals detected from outer space bombarding the earth for decades, but nothing like this.

Hinter says that she noticed a pattern, created an algorithm, deciphered the code and translated the following message:
"A.C. broke. Send HVAC guy. It's hot."

Eloise, a resident of California was glad to get the internship at The University of California, Berkley, which is just up the road from her home.

She received a $25 gift card from The Big Sur Surf-Smoke & Shirt Shop.

Ladies Monthly Luncheon

The July Monthly Luncheon for the all-denomination church ladies will be this Thursday.

The famous French Painter Meta "Lark" Lemond will be the featured guest.

Lark moved to Fresno last winter and has opened his gallery this summer.

Lemond has a  long line of artists in his lineage.  His great grandfather, Francois, mixed the paints for the touch up work in the Sistine Chapel.

Meta's mother dates back to Jean-Baptiste Oudry. Oudry was known for his paintings of animals, hunting, and (ahem) women.

This month's color scheme:  shades of orange for clothing, royal blue for headwear.

The cash bar will benefit the janitor's fund.

A Treasure Hunt

A millionaire by the name of Jon Collins Black has hidden 5 chests worth over two million dollars somewhere in the USA.

CNN's exceptional writer, Julianna Bragg, has reported that Black's new book,There's a Treasure Inside,  is full of clues.

We here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion think it a clever way to sell books.

But it does remind us of the time that old man Broadson pulled a good one on the local youth.

Archie Broadson never liked to spend a dollar and didn't like banks.  He hid his money and often bragged about it.

One time he told the teenagers that his mind was slipping a bit.  He forgot where he buried a tin of hundreds in the back field.

The old fella told them that he'd pay $200 to the first to find the tin.

The boys dug for a full day.  When one mother came to find her son she asked Archie what was going on.

"My tiller broke and I need the field turned over so I can get the garden in," he said.  They laughed and she told the story at his funeral 25 years later.

Tomorrow Night Only

Another pop-up Hootenanny  will be tomorrow night at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.

Marty Dobson and his band The Dirty Implacables will hit the stage promptly at 8pm or thereabouts.

Dobson, a long time sound tech for Red Knuckles and the Trailblazers, formed his own band during the pandemic.

The 8 piece bluegrass band is high energy and plays only one slow love song.  That being an ode to Gillian Welch, who has a restraining order on Marty. 

As usual, the ladies of the church will serve beer.

Scrape your boots at the front door. 

More Words

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club  has released their November words for inclusion in your daily dialogue:

1. Pyre

2. Hither

3. Pyrrhic

4. Docent

5. Meldrop

Wilomena Levengood, club advisor, says to use these words when in the check out lane at your neighborhood Piggly Wiggly.

This Day In History

It was on this day in history, or thereabouts, that William Phelps Eno invented the stop sign.

The improvements in transportation were never ending and have been mostly appreciated.

Some of his attempts however, were not embraced.

Mr. Eno developed the "square about". The concept laid out 20 yard squares at each crossroads. But twelve stop signs for each intersection were not efficient.

Years and years later though some unknown dusted off his drawings and the "roundabout" was borne. 

Although it is a little quicker, grandma still makes multiple loops, stops, illegal u-turns and bumps the youngsters out of her way.

Book Release

There will be a book release and signing event tomorrow evening at The Coshocton Literary Guild's Guest House on 31st Street.

The Senior Research Assistant for The FresnOnion, Marcus T'wainT'wack, has another work out in hardback.

The First Draft and Thankfully Edited Modern Day Pop Songs 

The Titles that Were Initially Proposed

is his latest effort.

The 13 chapter book reveals that the first draft of David Loggins hit was titled "Please Come To Fresno" and later changed to Boston.

The Paul McCartney Classic "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" was penciled in at "Na-Na-Na, La-La-La". McCartney later said he changed it to something his granny always said, something profound. 

Marcus says that the Tom Petty song "You Got Lucky" was "You Look Chunky" but TP thought it could be offensive.

The party will start promptly at 6:35 and the ladies of the church will serve white wine.

Hi-Fi

We know it is hard to believe, but there are some who live amongst us that really, really enjoy recorded music.

The audiophile searches for the mint to near-mint long playing record, researches what is the best reel to reel tape deck and is manic about fingerprints on everything.

Now comes word that said audiophile can own a piece of The Beatles recording history.

The alert and educated Julia Binswanger tells us in a recent story in The Smithsonian, that you can bid on the EMI-TG12345!

This console, or mixing board, was used to record the Abbey Road  album.

Also offered in the sale is John Lennon's ashtray, Ringo's TV tray, Paul's studio slippers (he insisted everyone leave their shoes at the front door).  

The other big ticket item is Harrison's pop shield. He had a bad habit of 'popping his Ps' on certain words.

Binswanger's article is a must read for the exceptional individuals who are fascinated by pure audio, motivated by sound quality and addicted to audio gadgets.  

There is also a picture in the interweb of her squatting in front of tulips wearing blue jeans and smiling. 

Clete Sweeney heading up the escalator for final hearing.

Biz News

Local egg producer Pat Tee has announced big plans for expansion.

Her company, Eggs to a T, has purchased the Longaberger Basket  office tower on the east edge of Newark.

The abandoned building will be retro-fitted for one million hens.  

Through a grant from the Breakfast Diners of America Coalition, Tee will now be able to supply enough eggs for morning breakfasts nationwide.

The Licking County Sewer Authority has agreed to loan the Marne Sewer District the money to handle the solid waste from this venture.

Tee also plans to open a small plant to press pulp into egg cartons.

In addition, the top floor will be for food service from 5:30 am until 1 pm.

"We'll serve breakfast as well as egg salad sandwiches for lunch," noted Tee.

When told of the plans, local resident John Baldry said, "that's a lot of eggs in one basket."

New Cruise

We've all heard of Caribbean cruises, Alaskan cruises, River cruises and now there is the Creek Cruise.

Skeet Sweeney, dockmaster at the White Eyes Docks says that Carney Cruise Lines  have leased the newly renovated and expanded Dock #4.

"They tell me that there are plans for affordable cruises up the Mighty White Eyes Creek," said Sweeney.

Cinda Swanson the public relations VP for Carney Cruise Lines  says they will be debuting their newest sleek 5 story 'creek cruiser'. 

"It will feature four decks with 5 rooms on each deck.  The room will have windows out each side.  The top deck will be for indoor/outdoor dining and martinis," Swanson noted.

Sweeney says that when the Creek cruiser is away from dock, all houseboats and pontoons must be tied off in the east branch or west branch of the Mighty White Eyes Creek.

The Mighty White Eyes Creek Cruise will begin Mother's day weekend.  

Hot Product

Fresno Industries says they just can't keep up with the orders of their newest product offering to consumers.

"Our new 'Shower Wash'  is the best selling invention in the past decade," said company President Rodney Karoo.

The Shower Wash  is similar to the car wash.  A person can sit or stand in the shower, press the start button and a series of nozzles will first spray you with a pre-soak soap.

Then a dozen brushes will scrub you as they move around your body.  The rinse cycle follows.

There is an exfoliating loofah option that is also available for a small upcharge.

​Fresno Industries is looking for installers. They will train and are offering a $5,000 signing bonus.

Goggles and snorkel sold separately.

Happiness

CNN recently reported on a Harvard study that lists 5 tips for a long and happy life.

 Andrea Kane, the story's astute and admired author,  says  we might be wrong if we think we know what makes us happy.

The oldest and happiest guy we know is Clem Kadiddle out on Hoppers Ridge.

Clem is 105, still lives alone, has a vivacious girlfriend that is much  younger than him and only eats what he can grow, catch and kill.

Clem shared his list for "living large" as he calls it:

1. Go ahead and fry your taters in bacon grease.

2. It's ok to mix your beer to taste, he prefers lemonade.

3. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

4. Plan one blowout party a year and play the music loudly.            He prefersJ. Geils Band

5. Floss and brush your teeth twice a day.

6. Don't argue with idiots

7. Support your local sheriff

8. Don't go swimming after a large lunch.

9. Don't miss any of the 5 most important meals each day.

10. Clean the refrigerator regularly.  If in doubt, throw it out!

Bring It Back !

While preparing her sixth grade dissertation in preparation for elementary school graduation, young Suzi Wisterman came to a realization.

"Nobody decrees anything anymore," she declared.

"I think we should bring back the decree and revere the decreer," she said in a recent press conference. "When was the last time channel 88 led the news with a 'decree' or it was top page of the daily newspaper?"

When asked by a local reporter if she was just lobbying for the job, Suzi indicated that her Grit route was enough.

'The Webb' Keeps Gifting

The James Webb Telescope  just keeps on giving us discovery after discovery.

Recently CNN reported that the telescope discovered an exoplanet the size of Jupiter.

Seems this place is emitting hydrogen sulfide.  That's right, it smells like rotten eggs.

Scientists are now researching how much Febreze needs to be used to make the place smell better for guests.

Richardson's Maze

𝕱𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖓𝖔𝖍𝖎𝖔.𝖈𝖔𝖒

Wild Radish

Next Adventure

Local adventure writer Hobart Horatio Humphrey has announced his next exploring experience.

"I will branch out a bit and turn my interests to Morrow County," said Humphrey.

"I have done and seen everything in every county that borders Coshocton, so I'm gonna start on two counties out," he noted.

Morrow County is know for its small towns like Sparta, Edison and Steam Corners.

Local Morrow officials said they will accommodate Hobart as best they can.

Humphrey will document his odyssey again on film, in print and all social media platforms.

Follow him at your peril.

Carlson

Daphne Duncan

Reuben

Ruben

Harsh Winter Coming?

Wally Kinan, the weatherman on local cable channel 88 FZNO, has been talking about a cold and long winter coming. He has predicted that on every night's telecast.

"I have driven by the oldest local resident, Orland Cepeda's property for two weeks now, and he is cutting wood everyday," noted Kinan.

"Every day he is splitting and stacking wood.  I gotta think he knows something that the meteorologists don't", he added, "the guy is nearly 97 years old."

The neighbor kid just rode his bike out to see Orland and asked him why he splits so much wood.

"Because that guy on the weather keeps talking about a bad winter coming," said the old man.

Puzzle Time

Brilliant Science Writer Ashley Strickland has another story on CNN.com.

This piece is about The Euclid Telescope, not to be confused with the Lorain Telescope or the much smaller Parma Telescope:

CNN —The powerful Euclid telescope has captured millions of stars and galaxies in a dazzling new mosaic — and it represents just the first piece of a massive puzzle the observatory has been designed to solve.

This is a very interesting read, but not nearly as interesting as the news that Ravensburger has a contract to create a puzzle from the Euclid pictures.

Ravensburger is the world's foremost leading puzzle manufacturer and have been doing so since 1891.

Aunt Bettys everywhere are pre-ordering.

Constable Busy

It was a busy time last night for local Constable Rollie F. Trupe.

"I got three calls last night for hooning!" said a grumpy Trupe.  

Ohio recently passed an anti-hooning law and that has dominated the news cycle since.

"Before they passed that law, I never had one call.  Nary an incident. Wasn't a problem," declared Rollie.

"But now when a couple vehicles get together, people think the worst and call me," he said. "This 'see something, say something'  has gone too far!"

All three incidents last night were nothing more than happenstance.

Trupe's first call was three farmers talking after a day of harvesting "they were in combines! for crissakes" said Rollie;  the next was high schoolers after the ball game (he did confiscate a bottle of Genesee Cream Ale) and the other turned out to be car poolers heading to Ladies Night at the Sandpebble Inn.

Constable Trupe does encourage calm in these hooning times.

A Church Incident

   Reports are starting to trickle in about an incident recently at a revival in the south.

   The First Self-Righteous Church in Pascagoula, Mississippi had a squirrel amongst the parishioners.

   Local stringer Ray Stevens has filed this report: (click here).

Viv

Found!

The senior astronomy students at  Strasburg State University  have been credited with finding a lost satellite.

The popular Space.com website has reported that the lost satellite was missing for 25 years.  It was launched in 1974, lost and found and lost again, and found in April. That's 50 years of non productivity. 

The Strasburg State  students affectionately call it "the congressional".

United States Air Force's Space Test Program launched the satellite in April 10, 1974.

In Meredith Garofalo's reporting, she notes that it's not an easy task to know the location and identity of every single object that's in orbit as there are more than 20,000 at the moment

A junior officer that begged for anonymity, said "Thank God," when asked for a comment.  "I am so tired of being asked every morning by the Colonel, 'have you found it yet?'"

Area's Best

Weekend Hacker Magazine has released their list of best golf courses in the greater Fresno-Chili-Pearl minisculepolitan region.

Again claiming the No. 1 position on their list is the venableFresno National Golf Club.

The rest are:

2. Pearl Links and Ski Club

3. Chili Dunes GC

4. White Eyes Municipal GC

5. Powell Glenn GC

6. Baltic Hills GC

7. Shady Bend TPC

8. Lake Lila Country Club

9. The Links at Royal Orange

10. Sharrock Ridge GC

11. Hardscrabble Hills GC

12. Ragersville Golf & Cheese Club

13. The Golf Club of Bakersville

14. Mowery Hollow Golf & Gun Club

15. Pinemont GC

Course descriptions, tee time information, dress codes and directions can be found at www.weekendhacker.chunk

Economic Development News

Binder's Gromets, Clasps and Buckles has announced that they will add a new line to their manufacturing empire.

"We are going to install the presses from Mantle's Fasteners Company," said CEO Tonya Binder.

"Mantle's is shutting down their operation and we have a received a grant from the White Eyes Twp. Foundation.  So come August 1 we will add another employee," noted Miss Binder.

Binder's Gromets, Clasps and Buckles was started in 1908 by Warren G. Binder and the family has been a fixture in the region ever since.

"I just wish Papa hadn't sold off the brassiere-hook division," Tonya confessed. "He just didn't think the idea would hold up."

Post Derby News

The Sweeney boys returned home late Sunday afternoon from attending the Kentucky Derby.

The exciting photo finish to this year's Derby wasn't the only excitement.

Clete, who's put on some weight, never left the sponsor's tent.  Woodford Reserve, a sponsor since 1999, had to invite Clete to leave.

Pete's arm got in front of one of the cameras positioned at the finish line.  He's now been flagged for next year's assigned seating. 

Clete, while trying to flirt with a middle aged enthusiast, suggested a bet on Encino.  She politely told him that horse scratched on Tuesday, then pointed him out to security.

Pete had to max out his credit card for "proper trackside apparel" as his crocs, cargo shorts and Zoar Golf Club tee shirt didn't pass muster.

1st Saturday in October Is Coming

This year the first Saturday of October falls on the 5th.  So Save That Date.The Mt. Wary Pumpkin Slosh is celebrating their golden anniversary this year.

It's the one day a year you can imbibe award winning pumpkin brandy, pumpkin vodka, pumpkin beer or pumpkin fizz and pours will start at noon.

"We have brewers and stillers coming from as far away as Nebraska," said  Sloshmeister Otis Mamann. "Last year we had 22 states represented."

The annual Mt. Wary Pumpkin Slosh is again sponsored by Uber and Red Solo Cup.

​Folk singer Tom Paxton will receive his 40th year perfect attendance ribbon and perform Wasn't That A Party? at 2pm.

​The popular local blues band Zeke 'N Eddy will hit the stage promptly somewhere between four and 5 that afternoon.

The Good and The Bad

The 'Ripple Effect', 'Trickle Down', 'Newton's Third Law of Motion'. call it what you will.

But, for every action there IS  a reaction.

Forbes magazine recently named Columbus, Ohio as a top city for cat owners.

"That's all well and good for cat people, but what about us that like snakes?", asked Kenjari Stabler.

"With all these cats, there are no mice.  And if you don't have any mice you have nothing to feed the snakes," he declared. "And if there are no snakes then...well you get the picture!"

With that Stabler is calling on Congress to create legislation forming the EPA, Equality for Pets Alliance.

"There has to be a balance and can't we all just get along?" he wondered aloud while chomping on an apple his wife gave him.

Paid Advertisement

Howard Johnson's Restaurant, down at the hi-way intersection, will be open on Thanksgiving Day.

"Again this year we'll seat our customers on a first come, first served basis," said Manager Trixie Trunkelmeyer.

"Our popular Turkey, Dressing, Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans and buttered bread will be a reasonable $7.98," she added.  Kids under 19 eat for free.

Then on Black Friday HoJo's will have a special on Turkey Pot Pie.  Saturday's menu feature will be Cream of Turkey open face sandwiches. Sunday, after church, the free lunch will be "chef's surprise".

"We will always have our 'best-ever' clams as well," Trixie concluded.

The tradition of having football on all the tv's will again be observed. The Ohio State vs. Michigan game is sold out.

PS: Howard Johnson's is an equal opportunity employer and will hire just about anybody to cook.

Rare Opening

One of the most coveted jobs in all of The U.S. is the Tucson to Tucumcari delivery route.

Weintraub Bagels  of Tucson and Valenzuela's Tortillas in Tucumcari formed a partnership in 1960.  

For the past 63 years they've had one driver that leaves Tucson with a load of bagels and returns with tortillas.

That driver, Fred Payne, will retire August 1st.

There is a stop in Tularosa at Murray's Foods to get cream cheese and salsa.

The job pays $325,000 per year. 

Contact Alice in Dallas to apply if you're willin'.

And Then A Fight Broke Out

Constable Rollie F. Trupe is reporting this morning that an all out brawl broke out last night at the East-side Possum Lodge.

Trupe's reports are never detailed, but eyewitness accounts said that right after Brian "Big Cabin" Barbson's wild guitar solo in his band's version of "Church in the Wildwood", Buddy McCort said, and this is a direct quote: "He's better than Clapton."

That's when Shelly Dirkson threw a haymaker that, and this is a direct quote from Big Cabin: "He didn't see that a comin'".

McCort's third ex-wife, Mickie came to his defense and tackled Shelly right next to Buddy's limp body.

Senior Possum Lodge bouncer Howard Sprague would not let anybody break up the fight between Shelly and Mickie because, and this is a direct quote from Big Cabin: "because there was too much money bet on the winner."

The investigation continues.

To be fair, Big Cabin is pretty good as he used to play in The Cadillac Cowboys, fronted by Lester 'Roadhog' Moran.

Mickie won.

It's Time

Every third week of the month, The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club  releases their new list.

The list is five words for you to reintroduce into your daily vocabulary.

Wilomena Levengood,  the club's advisor says she is ambivalent about this month's list, " I am hesitant, but they insisted."

The List:

Epicene

Confound

Ropey

Scupper

Glurge

So work those into conversation with the neighbor's kids this week.  It might keep them out of your backyard.

"I Was Drunk...."

Ingrid Andress did admit that she was guilty of 'singin while inebriated'.

But her version was only ranked as 4th worst by Billboard Magazine.

A list that includes Roseanne Barr, but does not include the local version by Hilly DeLuna.

Hilly's failure came while accompanied by the Shady Bend Marching Band.  Not only did she forget the opening line, she changed the lyric to "robbies red hair".

Ms. DeLuna entered rehab the next day where she met Frank Drebin.

A New Line at Kosmo's

Kosmo's  Kosmetics has announced a new line in their varied cosmetic possibilities.

KaLinda Kramer, CEO, says that they will offer hairpieces for the bald baby.

"We've heard from so many new parents that they think it unfair that some babies are born with a full head of hair," she stated.

Now you don't have to introduce your child to the world and endure the 'bald jokes' or comments. 

"If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times; 'my what a beautiful baby, but goodness isn't she bald?!' " said one mother.

The new Infintile Hairpieces will come in all popular tints according to KaLinda.

Along with the hairpieces and extensions Kosmo's Kosmetics will also provide baby tats and piercings. 

KaLinda's husband, Kosmo, will continue with the adult cosmetic enhancements.  He hinted they will be searching for a suitable baby to feature in their advertising.  Kinda like the "Gerber Baby" he said with air quotes. 

Kosmo's Kosmetics is located at the end of the strip mall right next toButchMarie's Leather and Lace Boutique.

Fresno,Ohio 

The hippest village east of Marfa, Tx

Book Release Party

Local prolific author will be the guest of another literary release party this evening at the Fresno Cafe.

Gladys McKnight & Her Quips  has another installment out in time for gift giving. Her books are always found on coffee tables and in bathrooms.

"Lately I had been thinking about  anapodotons and decided to collect the local ones for publication," said Gladys.

We all know the usual ones like "where there's a will...", "when in Rome..." and "the early bird...." but it's the local ones that don't usually get used.

A sampling from  Gladys McKnight and Her Quips - Volume 4 :

A watched pot -  always boils if hot enough - so have the lobster ready

If you hang with trash - you'll find some good stuff - and resell it on Trading Post

Every old crow - eventually retires - to the Old Crows Home 

If pigs had wings - the windshield wiper won't clear it - so own a sturdy scraper

If you are unable to attend tonight's book release and signing party, order on line at www.neitheroneofus.lib

1st Black Friday

After years of hearing about "Black Friday",  Jasper Martell says he's gonna give it a try.

Jaspers Junk will have "everything on the lot and in the  buildings at a reasonable, negotiated offerings," says Jasper.

Jasper has been collecting "good junk, not hoarding" for a lifetime.

Angle iron. hub caps, sheet metal, car bumpers, lawn mowers, and various sizes of his "yard art" will make it worth your while to visit while out shopping today.

"The Mrs. will also have her banana bread, fruit cakes and dinner rolls available," said Jasper, referring to his famous pastry chef wife, Shelly.

Jaspers Junk is located on CR 985, just outside the city limits, "so's I avoid the hinderance of zoning...".  Look for his life size, true to scale, welded sculpture of Arnold Palmer at the lane into his property.

"I am even missing my usual Friday junk route for this," lamented the 85 year old collector.

Healthcare News

The newest breakthrough by Coyote Technologies of Keene is an anti-aging cream.

"I use it myself and people say I look 30 years younger," said Coyote CEO and Founder Heath "Smiley" Coyote.

Coyote Technologies say that a serum they created from locally sourced yucca plants is the key to their new product.

"I rub it on first thing every morning and last thing every night," noted Smiley.

Heath Coyote is also the founder of Kendall Inc. in Mesa, Arizona.  Kendall is the nation's largest peyote grower.

​"I chew a button first thing every morning and last thing every night, if I remember," admitted Coyote.

When pressed to reveal his age, Mr. Coyote admitted that he is 45 years old.

Llamas To Be Re-homed

Local Llama farms, Llama-Llama Ding Dong, have been found in violation of  having too many.

"Their population has exploded since the pandemic," said Dewey Dont, game warden.

Llama laws limit how many can be kept per acre and this farm has 100 too many.

"What we're gonna haft do, is, and I just heartbroken, is, find some farms locally to take them in," said farmhand Wally.

For those unfamiliar, the Llama, spelled with 2 L's is a South American beast of burden.  Not to be confused with the Lama, spelled with one L.  That is a Tibetan spiritual leader.

The 3 L llama is a big fire.

New Cereals

The Research and Development Department at the Conesville Cereal Company have two new offerings for breakfast.

After the popular website verywellhealth.com reported on the benefits of beans, the guys at CCC went to work. 

"We've just revealed the Lima Bran cereal," said lead researcher Bon Scottsman.  

"We've dried the bean just like Raisin Bran," said Bon.

Registered Dietician Barbie Cervoni authored the report citing eleven benefits of beans.

"It is because of the stunning, in depth, important report by Cervoni that we also developed another cereal: Beans and Bran," noted Scottsman.

All beans known to mankind are mixed together, dried and included with bran flakes.  

The two new cereals developed by CCC are available wherever GasX is sold.

Flattery?

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” -Oscar Wilde.

Hot on the heals of the Showtime adaptation of Amor Towles novel, "A Gentleman in Moscow", a local attempt to capitalize is in the works.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO  has ordered a miniseries of "A Farmhand in Fresno". 

The 8 part mini series of Benny Collier's memoir will start filming in July with the harvest of oats and wheat.  

Regional theatre veteran Brownie Pavley has been inked to star in the leading role.

Numerous dairy farms and bars have been contracted to provide film stock footage.

"This is a real boom to our economy," said Lorna Myrn, county liaison with the film industry.

Extras will be hired each day at the film site.

Heath Coyote

Museum Receives Collection

The Fresno Museum of Nothing Modern  has just take possession of a highly coveted button collection.

LeGarrette DeMonchile, museum curator, says they are pleased that the courts have ruled on the matter.

The family of Lucille Forrester, all nieces,  had objected to the button collection being bequeathed to the museum.

"It is very valuable and I can understand why they would object," said DeMonchile, "but she told me on many occassions that she just didn't like those girls."

The Texas State Button Society of which Lucille was a member before moving here from Tyler, estimated the collection to be worth over $2.9 million. 

The buttons were delivered in crocks, jars and boxes.  LeGarrette says this winter the volunteer staff will sort, eliminate duplicates and figure out some way to display.

"It will be a one of a kind presentation and is a glimpse into the history of our attire," he noted.

"I just don't ever see an exhibit of velcro in our future."

The Fresno Museum of Nothing Modern  is open every afternoon, when LeGarrette is finished playing golf. 

Who He?

The neighbor from just down the street, around the bend about halfway up the hill just popped into the newsroom.

He said he'd just met the most interesting fellow meandering thru town.

They visited briefly and then the visitor said, "You know, I don't always visit Ohio, but when I do, I always  visit Fresno."

The neighbor said he drives a massive motor home pulling a trailer with a restored 1953 Ferrari 250 MM.

Any ideas on this guy?

Tense Times

Corn Mazes are all the rage this time of year.  From the famous Finger Lakes Maze to Richardson's in Spring Grove Illinois to the Mighty McPeek Maze.

And it's the Mighty McPeek that recently caused quite the apprehensive day for the Hazelwood Family.

"As you know, we are a very, very large family," said Lee Hazelwood. "So you can understand that keeping tabs on everyone can be a chore."

The Hazelwood family had rented the day at the Canal Lewisville site for a family reunion.

"Our best guess was that 456 family members from 11 states made it in," said Lee.

But when it came time to leave, Grandpa Hazelwood couldn't be located.

A search party was sent in and 5 of the six returned. So it went on for hours. Some in, some out.

24 hours later, through the kindness of the local firefighters, a thermal imaging detector located the last Hazelwood and he was led out by a drone.

Grandpa said the only reason he went into the maze was because the line at the Port-o-let was too long.

Workshop Today

The Ohio State Buckeyes play at noon today.

For those not interested, The Fresno Life Improvement Workshop  will feature the foremost leading home economist Mariam Manfredi.

Manfredi has flown in from Riverside, California for today's 8 hour workshop at The White Eyes Township Community Kitchen. 

Her efforts today are for those who never saw the need to take Home Ec. in high school.

Those attending today will learn:

-How to boil water

-How much bacon grease to keep

-Paper towels vs. handrags

-Swiffer vs. dust mop

-How to set a table

-Proper vacuum sweeper technique

-The intricacies of the clothes washer

-How to miter the corners of bedsheets

-Why 2 pillowcases?

-The importance of a dry, orderly basement 

-The importance of easy access to the attic

-The importance of measuring cups and spoons

-How to use a manual can opener

-Garlic

There is no charge, the doors open at 11:00 for happy hour prior to her class.

The ladies of the church will be serving drinks and snacks.

Bald Ibis

Best In Show -Dwarf Mullein

And The Winner Is....

The Commercial Actors Guild has announced this year's nominees for the best acting in a commercial.

This year's nominees are:

Mathew McConaughey  for Uber Eats/NFL

Tom Selleck  for Reverse Mortgage

Jennifer Coolidge  for Discover 

Joe Namath  for Medicare

Jennifer Garner  for Neutrogena Retinol

Old guy Earl  with bags under his eyes for Plexiderm

The Lifetime Achievement Award this year goes to Rula Lenske  (Alberto VO5).

1986 Award winner Kelly LeBrock- Pantene (Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful) will Emcee.

The CAG awards will be handed out during a black-tie affair at the Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili. The 'after party' will be hosted by Mayor Stanley in his Party Barn.

McPeek's Mighty Maze

Sweeneys in Pinehurst

Pete and Clete (who has put on a little more weight) have arrived in Pinehurst, NC for The U.S. Open.

This is their 203rd consecutive major championship they've attended and volunteered.

This year the USGA has assigned Pete to be the driver for Scottie Scheffler.  Clete was issued a 4xl orange and yellow safety vest and will man the special gate for Scheffler's car to enter the parking lot at Pinehurst No. 2.

"We don't need another 'PGA Incident' said USGA Executive Committee President Fred Perpall.  "Not sure it's needed as we aren't in Kentucky anymore," he added.

The Sweeneys are staying at The Welch Estate.

An Endorsement

The editorial staff at The FresnOnion has decided to endorse Proposition 818 on tomorrow's ballot.

Prop 818 is for the Greater Fresno Parks and Recreation Department.

It is our opinion that supporting Parks & Rec does in fact better our quality of life. 

Having over one thousand miles of hiking trails, 8 baseball diamonds, an Olympic size swimming pool, 18 pickleball courts, 10 tennis courts, 4 basketball courts, 12 shuffleboard courts, and a fifty thousand square foot indoor complex is a reason to vote "YES".

Proposition 818 will only  add $10,000 to your taxes based on a $40K home valuation.

The daily card games (euchre, hausey, gin, spades, hearts, penny poker, pinochle, bridge, Uno, and Egyptian Ratscrew to just name a few) that the Rec. Department organizes and gets grandpa out of the house, is a bargain at twice the money.

We strongly urge you to vote "for" Proposition 818.

A Flamingo World Rarity

The Paigtnon Zoo in England has an unusual situation going on.  

CNN is reporting that two male flamingos have adopted an abandoned egg and subsequent hatchling.

The zoo's curator, Pete Smallbones (and I swear that is his real name), says it's actually common in some bird circles.

Politicians everywhere are hesitant to comment.  But one Veep candidate said it sounds like another "modern family" episode to me.

No More

With the onset of summer break, The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has, again, taken a break from their purpose.

Instead of re-introducing us to words for our vocabulary, they have listed some to eliminate.

This year's collection include:

but'cept

warsh

chimbley

hangry

chillin'

You'ns

Club chairperson Wilomena Levengood says she's looking forward to the fall's incoming freshmen.  

"It is always refreshing to observe their perspective and wide-eyed enthusiasm," she said.  "And the hazing and initiation week is a hoot...oops that was last year's word to eliminate!"

Successful Research

Officials at a local institute of higher learning are confirming a breakthrough.

"Yes we can tell you that our years of research and development have resulted in the growth of shredded wheat," said department chairman Lawrence Arbia. 

Arbia's research students have been working on this idea for thirty years.

"And now we can eliminate a costly process in the food industry as our shredded wheat can truly be 'field to table'," noted the elderly educator.

The University of Food and Agriculture Research Tech (UFART) is also credited for providing local farmers with technology to raise shredded chickens.

BBQ !

An authentic south-Texas barbecue banquet hall has opened in Fresno.

"We've renovated the old feed mill," said BettyLou ThelmaLiz Hubbard.

"Ever since I moved here from Shiner I've wanted to treat my new friends and neighbors to the food I grew up on," shared Hubbard.

There will be two pits going at the same time on Friday & Saturday, 11a-11p.  And Sundays will be brunch only for the after church crowd from 10a to 3p.

Thursday will be Sausage Only.

​Ray Wylie LeClerc will be the      grillmaster.  He is known as the      "brisket king" and has over 40 years in the business.

Shiner Brewery has agreed to brew a special Buckeye Bock just for the Fresno location.

"I can't wait for everyone to taste his rubs and sauces," said an excited BettyLou ThelmaLiz.

He Missed One Thing

After a year long mission of living in a simulated Mars habitat, the 4 person NASA crew emerged recently.

While the story talks about the astronauts, very little was said about Verl Bartles the fifth occupant.  

Verl was the janitor.

His wife met him on the emerge date and after a nice long kiss, she handed him the one thing he said he missed more than anything else:  Roscoe Barbeque.

"Brisket and Ribs, now that's what I call a welcome home" said Verl.

Performance Notice

The Naive Coquettes will have an unscheduled, unannounced, and unrehearsed concert next Saturday.

"With the kids back to school, we had drinks one day at lunch and decided to just try it again," said lead drummer of the all lady band, Judi Patrudski.

The girls were on the top of the charts back in the day, but life halted their meteoric rise.

"When three of the 5 girls got pregnant, that kinda diverted us," noted lead singer Charlotte McInally.

Trixie Ankrum will again handle additional rhythm with congas, timpani, bongos, timbales, djembe, cowbell, and triangle duties; and local weathergirl Renee Stottleberg will tickle keyboards and contribute additional vocals. 

The reunion is a 'donation only' event with all money going to local Constable Rollie F. Trupe's crossing guard fund.

When asked about their traditional and historic encore, lead guitarist Mollie Santana said yes we should expect her version of Strangelhold. And yes she still looks like Ted's twin.

Doors at the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall  in Chili, Ohio will open at 5 pm.  

The ladies of the church have their food and drink trailer in the parking lot and have promisedJell-o shots.

Finally

For as long as we've been alive there was that barn that sat about 2 miles off of the Tiverton Freeway.  Nothing around it, nary a tree; just acres and acres of wild grasses and flowers.

Nobody knew the owner, never any activity out there. Just a very, very  large barn.

Some thought it to be part of a criminal enterprise, as some are wont to think.  Others opined it to be tied up in an estate or  in a trust.

But two years ago we noticed a path beaten down to that forlorn structure. Then a gravel lane.  Now a concrete drive.

After two years of renovation, rehabilitation and structural recovery, the Barton Brothers have revealed their latest business enterprise: The Lonesome Barn.

"We've created space for multiple uses," said the eldest Barton, Charlton.  "We just felt a need to save grandad's old hay barn."

The younger Barton brother, Bubby, will handle all of the bookings and maintenance. Charlton will continue to make public appearances, host luncheons and play golf.

"We see The Lonesome Barn as perfect for reunions, certain parties and 2nd wedding ceremonies," said Bub. 

He did go on to say that there will be no  bachelor parties, 1st Weddings  (unless they are over 45), no fraternity mixers or rumspringas.

"Nothing that might result in destruction.  We've invested over three million dollars in this place."

Contact the Bartons on their myfacespace  page.

The Best

 The "best bourbon" comes from Kentucky.

Forbes magazine recently reported the fact that the IWSC has awarded the ribbon to The Peerless Distilling Co. for their High Rye.

What wasn't mentioned in the article was that a Fresno area man won the blue ribbon in the 'Hard Cider-amateur'  category.

Brenton Allenby has been making and submitting his hard cider for years and this year his "Ohio Blend" was finally accepted.

"It was rejected for years because the alcohol content was too high, so I worked and worked to get it down to 25%," said the proud fermentor.

Ohio is world famous for it's 50 varieties and Mr. Allenby says he uses 10 of those fifty, but won't reveal which.

Stop by his garage for a taste (bring a driver).

Still Protecting

From our international news desk we get word that Horton is still  hearing a Who.

What started "On the 15th of May, in The Jungle of Nool", is a modern day phenomena. 

For years now Horton, along with a strong alliance of individuals and countries across the globe, are working each day to protect Whoville.

"The threat of incineration is our motivating force to stay alert on the continued threat posed by the rogue scoundrels," said an anonymous  spokesperson in the Pentagon. 

When asked to comment, Horton did indicate that he was exhausted and headed for a nap as he was taking out his hearing aids. 

Tonight's Specials

A perfect 'business killing' storm has hit again.

The 1.5 star Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic says that because of the Swiss Festival  up the road in Sugarcreek, and The Ohio State Football Buckeyes playing a night game, their reservation numbers are way down.

"I just can't believe that this happens so often," says Chef Milton.

With that in mind, he has decided that every entree on the menu will be just $5.  

"Now that is tonight only," quipped the Chef, "this ends at midnight.  And reservations are suggested, but walk-ins will be seated based on table availability." 

Chef Milton did note that Sunday brunch is sold out because the Browns don't play til 4.

Confusion

Smokey Joe Kubit has caused quite a bit of bewilderment in local real estate circles.

Kubit put an ad in the local weekly shopper's 'land for sale' section.

Kubit listed 4 "erfs" for sale.

And "erf" was the talk of the weekly County Real Estate Association breakfast at Spitlers Diner.

After listening to everyone bloviating on the topic, Sir Morley Schauffle, who is 99 years old, piped up and explained to everyone that an "erf" is a plot of land.

Sir Morley was the local Salesman of the Year from 1950 to 1989.

Kubit has been known to 'stir the pot'.

​When contacted by the Association's secretary, Kubit said each erf was .20 hectares.

Yearly Visit

Dooley Dalton's Mobile Sharpening Bus is coming to the area again next Wednesday.

Dalton's yearly visit is always in time to get your knives sharpened for the holiday season.

As per his protocol, Dooley does not take appointments, you just get in line. So pack a bucket and bring a lawn chair and umbrella.

Dalton's Mobile Sharpening Bus is equipped to put a good cutting edge on all types of knives, including his specialty: serrated.

Also he'll sharpen your scissors, chainsaws, cross-cut saws, wood chisels, straight razor blades, hatchets, axes, machetes, bayonets and saw blades.

Dalton is on the road 365 days a year and works about 200 of those. "I try to golf a couple of days at each stop," noted the whetstone king.

Dalton travels with his wife Candida and two apprentices.  "They all golf, so we always have a 4-some." 

"Nothing worse than tryin' to slice a tomato with a dull knife, and just smashin' it," warns Dooley.

He says he started the business after trying to carve a turkey and it turned out looking like "pulled turkey".

Biz News

Fuzzy's Trailer Sales will be closed until further notice.

Fuzzy LaCroix says he sold his trailer yesterday and until he procures another one to sell he will not be open.

"You have to have inventory to be open, I think everyone understands that," he offered.

"I just want everyone to know that I thank them for the support over the years.  I have averaged one sale per year for the past 10," he said.

"Didn't sell one in 2020, pandemic and all. That was a lean year."

Fuzz said that the Mannheim kid bought his trailer to haul some big utility vehicle to a mudfest in Minnesota.

If anyone has a trailer that Fuzzy can sell find him.  He usually eats at Dirty Sal's  every evening at 4:50 and plays golf every morning.  Fuzzy won't get a cell phone. 

December         Decembre            Dec.               12            Dezembro             Joulukuu               十二月

Now Is The Time

We in the newsroom at the fresnOnion  believe that it is time to report on The Elf.

Norway, Sweden and Denmark have residents that believe in the diminutive supernatural humanoid.

But it is a recent study in Iceland that revealed 62% of it's residents believe in the "hidden people" or huldufolk.

The very astute and highly acclaimed writer for the BBC, Laura Studarus, revealed that statistic and story. 

The elf has been credited with miracles and blamed for misdeeds.

Here in east-central Ohio, the 'hidden people' are "somebody" that gets blamed:

"somebody put an empty milk carton back in the fridge..."

"somebody left the door open..."

"somebody stole my homework...."

"somebody" when asked who spilled red kool-aide on the white carpet

It is "somebody" when:

"somebody should do something about that..."

"somebody should speak up...."

"somebody will pick that up..."

We here at the fresnOnion are so glad that Santa has a reliable Elf workforce to take care of the kids that "somebody" forgot...........

'Tis The Season

Chris Stapleton sang:

​"...I can be your lucky penny
You can be my four leaf clover..."

It is again time for the Fall Season of 4-leaf clover hunting.

The Charm Clover Farm will re-open this weekend for their seasonal 4-leaf clover hunt.

Sydney "lucky" Charm the great grandson of the business founder, Norm Charm, says this is an especially good crop.

"I thought the spring field was good, what with two 4-leafs found, but this one is thick," he said.

While admitting the drought was tough on the summer and business was down a bit, Lucky says the fall hunters should be rewarded handsomely.

The Charm Clover Farm will be open from 9 to noon everyday except Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Also closed every other Wednesday because Lucky goes to Wheeling.

They have upgraded their knee-pad rentals and will charge $1 per pad.  They had to start renting by the pad instead of as a pair because one-legged Bob sued them for over charging him. His suit against Converse is still pending.

Patrol Dog With A Message

Local State Highway Patrol Dog, Birdie Barkheimer, will be the keynote messenger at Fresno Elementary.

The weekly Wednesday Assembly has speakers from all walks of life.  This Wednesday the theme will be "See Something, Bark Something".

Officer Barkheimer is a highly decorated law enforcement aid and has been loaned to Homeland Security, The NSA, Secret Service, The FBI, The Department of Defense, and some other agencies that can not be named.

Officer Barkheimer has never worked for the DEA or Constable Rollie F. Trupe.

Birdie resides in the State Highway Patrol regional headquarters and rides shotgun with whoever is in the mood to put up with her attitude.

The Isle

The Isle of Wight, or just The Isle, to the British, is experiencing some changes these days.

Since Victorian times, The Isle has been a holiday destination.  Mild temperatures, sandy beaches, and resorts make for a nice vacation.

But a recent purchase of exactly 50% of the island by a Chinese family has facilitated a name change.

The highly successful world wide Wong family has desired to create a  place for their reunions. Thus when the opportunity presented itself to them, they bought.

So henceforth the largest island in England will be known as The Isle of Wight and Wong.

Notice of "Thinking"

The East Central Ohio Roundtable Think-Tank and Bourbon Sipping quarterly summit will be Saturday.

The rotating site location will be out at the Firman Mansion on the ridge. The discourse will commence when everyone arrives.

The topic will be:  Velcro

The bourbon will be: Pappy Van Winkle

Agenda

1. Roll Call

2. New Business

3. Old Business

4. Vote on replacing the late Harold Creakbottom

5. Topic Discussion

6. Vote on next meeting's bourbon

7. Vote to approve Uber invoice

An edited re-play of the discussions will be shown Monday morning at 6 on local cable Channel 88 FZNO.

Marathon News

The First Annual White Eyes Township Marathon has been scheduled for Memorial Day.

The route carved out has the runners parking at the Fresno School and proceeding to McCrea's Service Center.

When the starter yells "go ahead and go" the participants who are coming from all over the world, will proceed down Main Street.  At Geese's Corner they will continue to Hamilton Avenue, ending at the "Sawmill Greenspace".  

The huge white tent will have a hydration station, first aid, and finger foods.

The ladies of the church will operate the Biergarten.

Cable channel 88, FZNO will broadcast live.  Tom Hamilton was scheduled to call the race, but has cancelled.  Gary McCord will provide solemn coverage. 

Summer Camp Season

Along with the traditional summer camps for kids like 4-H, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Invention Camp, Church Camp comes the return of the all time favorite: Wiffle Ball Camp.

The fabled Sawmill Ball Park will again be the location of the Rico Carty Wiffle Ball Summer Camp for boys aged 8-12.

The young men will be housed in the old CCC dormitory west of town and bused in every morning.

The morning sessions will be spent on: 

~how to throw a wiffle curve

~how to hit a wiffle curve

~how to throw a knuckler

~how to hit a knuckler

~how to catch a knuckler

~how to hit the runner for an out

~how to hit to the opposite field

The after lunch sessions will be 5 inning doubleheaders on all 5 diamonds.

The Rico Carty Wiffle Ball Camp begins July 1st and the children will be returned home for the first day of school.

All details can be found on the Rico Carty myfacespace page.

Shocking News

There are reports coming out of Hollywood that have been triple sourced, and  left the industry stunned.

It is now becoming evident that Don Cornelius was not the first option to hostSoul Train.

The show aired for a year in Chicago then nationally in syndication.

The executives told Mr. Cornelius that even though he created the concept, he could produce but not be the on-air host.

They thought Lawrence Welk would be better and bring a larger audience.

They realized their mistake during the first dress rehearsal. 

Ooley at Standing Rock

Noonan (not Danny)

Peggy Noonan is not only a Pulitzer prize winning author, she also eats three meals a day.

Noonan (not Danny) has two new literary pieces just published. 

The first, A Certain Idea of America,  is ok.  It'll probably be read some.

But, the second is a veiled autobiographical account of her diet: A Certain Idea of Mealtime. This one sits atop the 'most requested'  list at The Fresno Branch of the Antioch College Library.

"I do so love pork," said Noonan (not Danny).  "If I plan it right, I can have 'the other white meat' three times a day." 

Her personal chef, Ethel Aberg, is heavily featured with page after page of her menu suggestions for Peggy to choose from.

For breakfast there are choices between bacon, sausage (patties or links), ham chunks in the omelette, ham-egg & cheese on an everything bagel;  for lunch ham sandwiches, ham salad sandwiches, or BLTs.

The dinner menu options are endless," says Chef Ethel.

Pork Roast, Pork Loin, Pork Chops, Ham Steak, Polish Golonka, Ham Hocks, Bacon or Hambone/green beans/potatoes, Bratwurst, Chitlins and Okra are just a sample.

"Fans had asked for this book for quite a while, since I talked about it on Morning Joe," said Noonan (not Danny).

By the way, her between meal snack is french fries dipped in ham gravy. 

You can get Peggy Noonan's new book, A Certain Idea of Mealtime  at all bulk feed stores and wherever cannabis is sold.

A Netflix special is in the works.

Unemployed Already

Lois and Murphy Alberts are sadly reporting that their son is back home and unemployed.

Herbie was hired fresh out of graduating from Strasburg State University by the prestigious NYC literary firm Wendy Sherman Associates.

Herbie was told his first assignment would be as a ghost writer.

He showed up first day with a satchel full of notes and research on Casper.

His parents indicate he's looking to rebound locally.  So if you are hiring, for anything, contact the young Alberts on his MyFaceSpace  page.

Adult Education Classes

Along with the usual fare, the Adult Education Department at Antioch College's Warsaw branch had added a new series of  classes.

"We have been fortunate to add Jon Nagy to our staff," said campus President Waldo Gallagher.

Nagy's art classes will be titled:

Art 101-Painting with or without numbers.

Art 102-Making up your own numbers

Art 103-Avant garde with crayons

Art 104-No Lines

Those interested can sign up online at www.StrangeRanger.ha.