Patrol Dog With A Message

Local State Highway Patrol Dog, Birdie Barkheimer, will be the keynote messenger at Fresno Elementary.

The weekly Wednesday Assembly has speakers from all walks of life.  This Wednesday the theme will be "See Something, Bark Something".

Officer Barkheimer is a highly decorated law enforcement aid and has been loaned to Homeland Security, The NSA, Secret Service, The FBI, The Department of Defense, and some other agencies that can not be named.

Officer Barkheimer has never worked for the DEA or Constable Rollie F. Trupe.

Birdie resides in the State Highway Patrol regional headquarters and rides shotgun with whoever is in the mood to put up with her attitude.

The Isle

The Isle of Wight, or just The Isle, to the British, is experiencing some changes these days.

Since Victorian times, The Isle has been a holiday destination.  Mild temperatures, sandy beaches, and resorts make for a nice vacation.

But a recent purchase of exactly 50% of the island by a Chinese family has facilitated a name change.

The highly successful world wide Wong family has desired to create a  place for their reunions. Thus when the opportunity presented itself to them, they bought.

So henceforth the largest island in England will be known as The Isle of Wight and Wong.

BREAKING NEWS

This just in.  Officials at the Baltic International Zoo have confirmed rumors they have been awarded a troop of Proboscis Monkeys.

"We are so very, very fortunate and grateful for such news," said the Zoo's chief administrator William 'Mac' Anudo.

"This zoo has so many benevolent patrons, and that is what makes this possible," Anudo continued.

A welcome party for the large snouted primates will be announced at a later date.

​If you do attend the party, don't stare at their nose.

The Ashes of Pompeii

    A heartwarming story by CNN's sapient reporter Barbie Latza Nadeau, archeologists recently revealed a man and woman huddled together. 

    When Mt. Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD they must have sensed something was up.  She was found with a cache of  coins and her jewelry.  

    It should also be noted that he was found with his golf clubs and walkman.

Location, Location, Location

A year ago the Himmler sisters decided that since they were all widowed they should move back to the old neighborhood.

Lucy Watson, Jeannie Brown, and Nellie Johnson had lived all over the United States.  But they insisted on purchasing the empty and heretofore unsellable mansion that was built on the dogleg of hole #11 at The Lake Lila Country Club.

"We just didn't think that so many balls would land in our backyard," said Nellie.

"Are there that many slicers?" queried Jeannie.

"We have bushel baskets of errant balls for sale," offered Lucy.

They've taken their earnings from selling other peoples balls and erected a 200 ft. net to protect their property.

The neighbors say "good for you," the club has filed an injunction. 

The township judge refused to hear the case. 

​Club Pro Guy complains they are undercutting his ball sales. 

Word Came Today

The Great Lakes Flora Foundation  has just awarded a Fresno woman with the coveted and prestigious Devil's Pitchfork Citation.

Hortense Van Zandt submitted her          potted Devil's Beggartick for        consideration back on August 3rd.

"I just never dreamed that it would               be a winner, what with the drought            and all, but my wife Stevie and I just kept puttin the water to it and behold - a winner!" said the emotional gentlewoman.

The Van Zandt's have been cultivating the Bidens Frondosa, that's the Genus of the Aster family, for decades now.

"They usually grow 2 or three feet high, but this one was well over 3 feet, three inches," noted Ms. Van Zandt proudly.

"When I got that Western Union Telegram, my first thought was 'oh this is gonna be bad' but it turned out to be the news of the day," declared Hortense.

The Foundation cited the plant's breadth, width, heighth, and leaf health that all graded out superior.

To celebrate, the Van Zandts will dine at the bowling alley and play Springsteen on the table top jukebox.

Next Adventure

Local adventure writer Hobart Horatio Humphrey has announced his next exploring experience.

"I will branch out a bit and turn my interests to Morrow County," said Humphrey.

"I have done and seen everything in every county that borders Coshocton, so I'm gonna start on two counties out," he noted.

Morrow County is know for its small towns like Sparta, Edison and Steam Corners.

Local Morrow officials said they will accommodate Hobart as best they can.

Humphrey will document his odyssey again on film, in print and all social media platforms.

Follow him at your peril.

Carlson

Silly, To Some

Elnora Van Nostrum has had enough.

"I am on a mission to stamp out, eradicate, eliminate absurdity," said Elnora.

With that as a stated mission she has formed the "Committee to Restore Normal Humor".

"What we won't accept is the absurdity of speech, acts or thoughts," she profferred.  

"Jocularity and laughter is needed for a healthy life, but the ridiculousness, the wacky, the crazy...well I just can't stand it!"

Her committee will meet once a week, on Wednesday's.  They will watch one episode of the Carol Burnett Show and then discuss how to fight 'weird' and promote Laughter as The Best Medicine. 

Elnora did want to note that she will always provide salted snacks, but it is a BYOB affair.

Service To Franchise

A Zanesville based company has announced that they will sell franchise rights to their business model.

Joy and Jacques Larity have confirmed that their attourney has filed franchise paperwork with the proper government officials so they can license "A Little Cleaning?"  trademark.

"You can't say midget or dwarf anymore, just 'little people'" said Joy who is in fact a "little person" like her husband.

Their slogan and advertising catch phrase was "do you need a little cleaning done"? They turned that into a business name and later into the franchise name: A Little Cleaning?.

Their workforce is made up entirely of little people.  

Each cleaning crew is equipped with size appropriate cleaning utensils and each van has a plethora of step stools and ladders.

Check out their website: www.diminutive.job

Inspections Begin

The Governor's Office of  Weights, Measurements and Statistics has begun their annual certification of local farmers markets and road side produce stands.

"We are diligent in making sure all scales are accurate," said Cletus McPherson the W.M.S. Director.

His office is also in charge of testing the employees as to their ability to count.  

"This way you are assured that when you purchase a dozen ear of corn, you actually get twelve," Cletus added.

Look for the Governor's Seal of Approval  at all vendors.

Value Added

There is a new company start-up in White Eyes Township.

Curt's Custom Cabs has officially opened in the old Town Centre Mall space.

There are times when a farmer can spend hours upon hours in a tractor seat.

After 50 years as a grain farmer, he left to start this company.  Curt says, "I've been there and just wanted to make that time more enjoyable." 

So with that in mind Curt's Custom Cabs will upgrade any enclosed tractor cab.  DVD players, stereo equipment, coolers, blue tooth phone and video capabilities are just some of his improvements.

"There are fields where the farmhand heads out with plows or planters and turns around a day later," noted Curt. "So I want to keep him or her entertained.

Curt's Custom Cabs can also install canopies and covers too.  Not all tractors can be upgraded though, "I just couldn't figure out how to work on a Hoyt-Clagwell."

Check out all accessories and upgrades at www.tractorbling.ag

Tomorrow Night Only

Another pop-up Hootenanny  will be tomorrow night at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.

Marty Dobson and his band The Dirty Implacables will hit the stage promptly at 8pm or thereabouts.

Dobson, a long time sound tech for Red Knuckles and the Trailblazers, formed his own band during the pandemic.

The 8 piece bluegrass band is high energy and plays only one slow love song.  That being an ode to Gillian Welch, who has a restraining order on Marty. 

As usual, the ladies of the church will serve beer.

Scrape your boots at the front door. 

This Day In History

It was on this day in history, or thereabouts, that William Phelps Eno invented the stop sign.

The improvements in transportation were never ending and have been mostly appreciated.

Some of his attempts however, were not embraced.

Mr. Eno developed the "square about". The concept laid out 20 yard squares at each crossroads. But twelve stop signs for each intersection were not efficient.

Years and years later though some unknown dusted off his drawings and the "roundabout" was borne. 

Although it is a little quicker, grandma still makes multiple loops, stops, illegal u-turns and bumps the youngsters out of her way.

Biz News

Fuzzy's Trailer Sales will be closed until further notice.

Fuzzy LaCroix says he sold his trailer yesterday and until he procures another one to sell he will not be open.

"You have to have inventory to be open, I think everyone understands that," he offered.

"I just want everyone to know that I thank them for the support over the years.  I have averaged one sale per year for the past 10," he said.

"Didn't sell one in 2020, pandemic and all. That was a lean year."

Fuzz said that the Mannheim kid bought his trailer to haul some big utility vehicle to a mudfest in Minnesota.

If anyone has a trailer that Fuzzy can sell find him.  He usually eats at Dirty Sal's  every evening at 4:50 and plays golf every morning.  Fuzzy won't get a cell phone. 

Adult Education Classes

Along with the usual fare, the Adult Education Department at Antioch College's Warsaw branch had added a new series of  classes.

"We have been fortunate to add Jon Nagy to our staff," said campus President Waldo Gallagher.

Nagy's art classes will be titled:

Art 101-Painting with or without numbers.

Art 102-Making up your own numbers

Art 103-Avant garde with crayons

Art 104-No Lines

Those interested can sign up online at www.StrangeRanger.ha.

'The Webb' Keeps Gifting

The James Webb Telescope  just keeps on giving us discovery after discovery.

Recently CNN reported that the telescope discovered an exoplanet the size of Jupiter.

Seems this place is emitting hydrogen sulfide.  That's right, it smells like rotten eggs.

Scientists are now researching how much Febreze needs to be used to make the place smell better for guests.

𝕱𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖓𝖔𝖍𝖎𝖔.𝖈𝖔𝖒

Summer Interns Needed

The Wilmer Harrigan Institute for Young Men has announced funding for summer internship programs.

Marlon Miller is director of the internship department and says these are this summer's openings:

Lumberjack (2)

Pumpjack (3)

Chef Assistant (1)

Theatre Assistant Stage Manager (6)

Dairy Farm (44)

Miller says his office is open 9-5 for applicants.

Wages for all positions range from $34.50 per hour to 35.50 with a $2,500 signing bonus. These internships are open to young men between 16 and 19 years of age.

WORD

The students are back and have a month under the belts.

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has met and submitted this list of words for you to use:

1.Cad

2. Dither

3. Fecund

4. Duplicitous

Wilomena Levengood, the club's advisor, says to expect a list of four or 5 words each month.

Heat Wave Coming

Lake Lila Golf and Country Club has announced that with the upcoming forecast of high temperatures, they will open their pool to the public.

"We realize that a 'feels like' forecast of 113 degrees is a bit much.  So with that in mind we will have our swimming pool open to the public between noon and 12:30 each day," said General Manager David Lindley.

The members all thought that was a neighborly thing to do.

The Whole World Is Watching

A court case that could have universal ramifications will begin next week in Township Chancellor Jud Buckner's courtroom.

The People V. Ditherton   opening comments will begin Monday at 9am.

The case stems from Joey Ditherton being charged with Inveiglement.

The charges accuse Ditherton with using flattery, ingenuity, his wiles, and clever talk to entice middle aged, single women to buy him dinner.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will broadcast.

Chancellor Buckner has cancelled all tee times that week.

Lawsuit Filed

A recent Oktoberfest prize drawing has resulted in an injuction requested and lawsuit filed.

According to court records, Hiram Ostrander alleges that the festival committee chairman doesn't like him and selected an unwanted prize as payback.

"Look they wouldn't say what the grand prize was and I specifically told my 10 year old son not to enter," said Hiram.

Committee chairman, Sonny James, said the fact that he indeed doesn't care for Mr. Ostrander had nothing to do with little Billy winning an old burro, it was completely by chance.

"The kid thinks it's a wonderful grand prize, a major award," said James.

"We can't keep that thing tied up in the back yard," said Hiram, "what with the city code and all.  The neighbors are already complaining."

Township Chancellor Jud Buckner will hear opening arguments Monday after his golf, midday nap and late lunch.

Two in 1

A Texas Woman has the world's widest tongue.

United Press International has reported to the world that Brittany Lacayo's tongue is wider than 3 inches. And that is a Guinness World Record.

Lacayo then entered the record books by using said tongue to lick 9,345 stamps in one minute. 

She plans to go on the talk show circuit with her first appearance on The Daily Show.  Jordan Klepper says he's excited. 

MARVEL Studios say they are not interested at this time.

Book Review

Because of the influence of The FresnOnion, this office receives multiple books for review each week.

Recently Dr. Kirby Kildare released a very popular and instant #1.

Why Are You Cluttering My Reality? 

 A Detailed, Methodical Blueprint On How To Delete So-called Friends and Fire Troublesome Customers.

This is a must read.  It's good. 

Rare Opening

One of the most coveted jobs in all of The U.S. is the Tucson to Tucumcari delivery route.

Weintraub Bagels  of Tucson and Valenzuela's Tortillas in Tucumcari formed a partnership in 1960.  

For the past 63 years they've had one driver that leaves Tucson with a load of bagels and returns with tortillas.

That driver, Fred Payne, will retire August 1st.

There is a stop in Tularosa at Murray's Foods to get cream cheese and salsa.

The job pays $325,000 per year. 

Contact Alice in Dallas to apply if you're willin'.

Paid Advertisement

Back to school items just in at the Pleasant Valley Trailer Park General Store:  Ink wells, compass, slide rules, six-inch rulers (all sizes), book satchels, divided notebooks, and paste.

Paid Advertisement

Life Goes On, Brah

Summers are for little league baseball, family vacations and High School Show Choir invitationals.

The most recent such invitational was held at the Keene Concert Hall.  

The host school was Keene High and each host sets the terms of competition.

In the past choirs had to feature duets, or mixed doubles dance moves, or in Keene each had to perform a unique version of the Beatles song Ob La Di.

Some schools attempted the song with British accents, one tried to make it a reggae song with a Bob Marley look-a-like.

But the show stopper was the Shady Bend HS version as if it were a slow love song.

When we say 'show stopper' it did.  The stage manager had to stop the show when he noticed that four of the 6 judges were sleeping. And the other two were looking at their phones.

"I guess that was a poor choice of arrangement," said Shady's choir director Hansai Solo.

Bonus Word

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club  was supposed to be off for the summer.

But one "holdover", Ali McNally, has released one word for us to use again in day to day dialogue.

"The word I think one should use today is: hobbeldehoy," said McNally.

Wilomena Levengood, the Club's pedagogue said, "I am so very pleased with Ali's initiative, her moxie, her enthusiasm, her attention to this matter." 

Levengood made her comments from the family summer home near Mont Saint-Clair on the south coast of France.

Ali said she will probably have an abbreviated list again next month, so be alert.

New Cereals

The Research and Development Department at the Conesville Cereal Company have two new offerings for breakfast.

After the popular website verywellhealth.com reported on the benefits of beans, the guys at CCC went to work. 

"We've just revealed the Lima Bran cereal," said lead researcher Bon Scottsman.  

"We've dried the bean just like Raisin Bran," said Bon.

Registered Dietician Barbie Cervoni authored the report citing eleven benefits of beans.

"It is because of the stunning, in depth, important report by Cervoni that we also developed another cereal: Beans and Bran," noted Scottsman.

All beans known to mankind are mixed together, dried and included with bran flakes.  

The two new cereals developed by CCC are available wherever GasX is sold.

Flattery?

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” -Oscar Wilde.

Hot on the heals of the Showtime adaptation of Amor Towles novel, "A Gentleman in Moscow", a local attempt to capitalize is in the works.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO  has ordered a miniseries of "A Farmhand in Fresno". 

The 8 part mini series of Benny Collier's memoir will start filming in July with the harvest of oats and wheat.  

Regional theatre veteran Brownie Pavley has been inked to star in the leading role.

Numerous dairy farms and bars have been contracted to provide film stock footage.

"This is a real boom to our economy," said Lorna Myrn, county liaison with the film industry.

Extras will be hired each day at the film site.

'Tis The Season

Chris Stapleton sang:

​"...I can be your lucky penny
You can be my four leaf clover..."

It is again time for the Fall Season of 4-leaf clover hunting.

The Charm Clover Farm will re-open this weekend for their seasonal 4-leaf clover hunt.

Sydney "lucky" Charm the great grandson of the business founder, Norm Charm, says this is an especially good crop.

"I thought the spring field was good, what with two 4-leafs found, but this one is thick," he said.

While admitting the drought was tough on the summer and business was down a bit, Lucky says the fall hunters should be rewarded handsomely.

The Charm Clover Farm will be open from 9 to noon everyday except Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Also closed every other Wednesday because Lucky goes to Wheeling.

They have upgraded their knee-pad rentals and will charge $1 per pad.  They had to start renting by the pad instead of as a pair because one-legged Bob sued them for over charging him. His suit against Converse is still pending.

He Missed One Thing

After a year long mission of living in a simulated Mars habitat, the 4 person NASA crew emerged recently.

While the story talks about the astronauts, very little was said about Verl Bartles the fifth occupant.  

Verl was the janitor.

His wife met him on the emerge date and after a nice long kiss, she handed him the one thing he said he missed more than anything else:  Roscoe Barbeque.

"Brisket and Ribs, now that's what I call a welcome home" said Verl.

1st Saturday in October Is Coming

This year the first Saturday of October falls on the 5th.  So Save That Date.The Mt. Wary Pumpkin Slosh is celebrating their golden anniversary this year.

It's the one day a year you can imbibe award winning pumpkin brandy, pumpkin vodka, pumpkin beer or pumpkin fizz and pours will start at noon.

"We have brewers and stillers coming from as far away as Nebraska," said  Sloshmeister Otis Mamann. "Last year we had 22 states represented."

The annual Mt. Wary Pumpkin Slosh is again sponsored by Uber and Red Solo Cup.

​Folk singer Tom Paxton will receive his 40th year perfect attendance ribbon and perform Wasn't That A Party? at 2pm.

​The popular local blues band Zeke 'N Eddy will hit the stage promptly somewhere between four and 5 that afternoon.

The Good and The Bad

The 'Ripple Effect', 'Trickle Down', 'Newton's Third Law of Motion'. call it what you will.

But, for every action there IS  a reaction.

Forbes magazine recently named Columbus, Ohio as a top city for cat owners.

"That's all well and good for cat people, but what about us that like snakes?", asked Kenjari Stabler.

"With all these cats, there are no mice.  And if you don't have any mice you have nothing to feed the snakes," he declared. "And if there are no snakes then...well you get the picture!"

With that Stabler is calling on Congress to create legislation forming the EPA, Equality for Pets Alliance.

"There has to be a balance and can't we all just get along?" he wondered aloud while chomping on an apple his wife gave him.

2nd Location

Local power couple Myrtle and Glenn Zygot have announced the purchase of the former Wayne Manor.

"It is our intention to open another Bed and Beverage after the renovations," said Myrtle.

Their wildly popular bed and beverage, out on CR 10, is sold out every Thursday through Sunday morning for the next 4 years.

Glenn has the largest stocked bar in the country.  His warehouse often helps out the local state store when they run out.

The variation of the "bed and breakfast" has proved to be a hit.

"Yea, we don't cook breakfast here, heck we don't get up 'til 11," said Myrtle.

Part of the fun each evening is "stump Glenn" where the guests try to request a beverage that he's never heard of.  Back in '09 he was flummoxed, until the guest admitted that she just made up the drink name. It was a triple entendre and Glenn blushed.

Each guest gets a breakfast voucher for Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie, Pasta and Breakfast Emporium which is located just down at the intersection.

The guests also gets a complimentary Miles of Smiles drink every evening at 6, and a box of Alka Seltzer on the pillow.

"We expect renovations on "the Manor" to be compleated by the end of the year," noted Glenn.

Clem

Still Protecting

From our international news desk we get word that Horton is still  hearing a Who.

What started "On the 15th of May, in The Jungle of Nool", is a modern day phenomena. 

For years now Horton, along with a strong alliance of individuals and countries across the globe, are working each day to protect Whoville.

"The threat of incineration is our motivating force to stay alert on the continued threat posed by the rogue scoundrels," said an anonymous  spokesperson in the Pentagon. 

When asked to comment, Horton did indicate that he was exhausted and headed for a nap as he was taking out his hearing aids. 

To The Extreme

It's the last full week of July, which means that The National Extreme Unicycling Championships  are about to begin.

This year the Eastern Association of Unicycle Amateurs & Professionals is the host and has chosen White Eyes Township for the site.

"White Eyes Township is widely know for the unique rock formations and with Standing Rock as the centerpiece we thought it a natural choice," said Association chairman Ooley Gaung. 

Three time defending champion, Lutz Eicholz has been here for months getting a lay of the rocks.  

In all over 500 competitors are entered in the various flights.  The under 12 flight will start first thing Monday morning at 7.

Smithey Ambulance Service has agreed to post EMTs at all sites. And Apple has provided air tags for all contestants.

For more information go the the Association's website:  www.mentalcycle.uni

Ban Lifted

By now you must have noticed that there have been zero reports from The Browns games submitted by Pete and Clete Sweeney.

Well after months and months of appeal hearings, the Browns have lifted their ban on Clete attending home games.  Clete was also banned from wearing his Robert McKay jersey.

Brother Pete compiled hours of video documenting Clete's clumsiness and it was finally determined that Clete did not "intentionally spill four cups of PBR on the Steeler fans"  seated in front of him.

Pete and Clete (who is still putting on weight) will be back in the stands for the next home game vs. the Bengals on Oct. 20.

Marathon News

The First Annual White Eyes Township Marathon has been scheduled for Memorial Day.

The route carved out has the runners parking at the Fresno School and proceeding to McCrea's Service Center.

When the starter yells "go ahead and go" the participants who are coming from all over the world, will proceed down Main Street.  At Geese's Corner they will continue to Hamilton Avenue, ending at the "Sawmill Greenspace".  

The huge white tent will have a hydration station, first aid, and finger foods.

The ladies of the church will operate the Biergarten.

Cable channel 88, FZNO will broadcast live.  Tom Hamilton was scheduled to call the race, but has cancelled.  Gary McCord will provide solemn coverage. 

Confusion

Smokey Joe Kubit has caused quite a bit of bewilderment in local real estate circles.

Kubit put an ad in the local weekly shopper's 'land for sale' section.

Kubit listed 4 "erfs" for sale.

And "erf" was the talk of the weekly County Real Estate Association breakfast at Spitlers Diner.

After listening to everyone bloviating on the topic, Sir Morley Schauffle, who is 99 years old, piped up and explained to everyone that an "erf" is a plot of land.

Sir Morley was the local Salesman of the Year from 1950 to 1989.

Kubit has been known to 'stir the pot'.

​When contacted by the Association's secretary, Kubit said each erf was .20 hectares.

Space News

"Voyager 1 is back online!"  That was the headline in a recent Space.com revelation. The universally admired space nerd Stephanie Waldek is the author of this expose.

Launched in 1977, Voyager 1 is 14 billion miles away.  Something happened and eight months ago it started sending goofy data back.

However summer intern Abner Doubletree from Strasburg State University moved a three inch stack of papers that revealed a 'reset' button.

"Can't believe that was all that was needed," said a sheepish NASA veteran who begged for anonymity.

A footnote to the story indicates that the papers Doubletree moved were the inter-office fantasy football draft results.

​For his efforts Doubletree received a $20 GameStop gift card.

For Lefty Lovers

The Lefty Frizzell Tribute Show will be coming to the Miller's Dip Grange Hall this Saturday evening.

"We are so very proud and excited to present this exciting event," said Grange Hall Event Assistant Scheduler Bob.

Country music fans old and new will hear and see a show that reminds them of country music of days gone by, according to a press release.

The only right-handed guitar player named 'Lefty' is played by Junior Sampson.  Sampson by the way is left handed.

The show stopper is their rendition of Saginaw, Michigan.

Local cable channel 88, FZNO, will broadcast a tape delayed, edited version, on Sunday morning.  The broadcast will follow morning Mass live from Our Lady of Lafayette Church.

Lester 'Roadhog' Moran and His Cadillac Cowboys will be the warm up entertainment.

Heath Coyote

Museum Receives Collection

The Fresno Museum of Nothing Modern  has just take possession of a highly coveted button collection.

LeGarrette DeMonchile, museum curator, says they are pleased that the courts have ruled on the matter.

The family of Lucille Forrester, all nieces,  had objected to the button collection being bequeathed to the museum.

"It is very valuable and I can understand why they would object," said DeMonchile, "but she told me on many occassions that she just didn't like those girls."

The Texas State Button Society of which Lucille was a member before moving here from Tyler, estimated the collection to be worth over $2.9 million. 

The buttons were delivered in crocks, jars and boxes.  LeGarrette says this winter the volunteer staff will sort, eliminate duplicates and figure out some way to display.

"It will be a one of a kind presentation and is a glimpse into the history of our attire," he noted.

"I just don't ever see an exhibit of velcro in our future."

The Fresno Museum of Nothing Modern  is open every afternoon, when LeGarrette is finished playing golf. 

Back To School

The first day of school is coming up one of these days (and none to soon according to local mother, Kaitlyn).

With that impending big day comes a notice from local grade school administration.

"There are some new rules in place for K thru 6," says Elementary Principal Gene Oberhorning.

Those rules are:

1.  All boys must be clean shaven. Everyday.  All sideburns must be no longer than halfway down the ear.  No lambchop sideburns.

2. All boys must wear shirts with sleeves and collars.

3. All boys hair must be parted, side or middle according to each's cowlick.

4. All boys must have a belt on, and tightened in such a manner that there are no "pants on the ground".

5. All girls must have their hair pulled into a pony tail.  If they have short hair then at least two bobby pins shall be used on each side.  No hair in the face.

6. All girls skirts must be touching the knee.

7.  All blouses must have sleeves and collars.

8. All tattoos will be judged by the homeroom teacher as to appropriateness and artistic value. 

Before Spellcheck.....

                   ............Smokey the Bear was a bad speller.

Mullein From A Rock

Economic Development News

The latest upswing in the positive business climate of the White Eyes Valley is the word that a local company will be hiring.

Belle's Tubular has announced that an expansion into the paper straw market will result in the addition of twenty employees.

"We'll be hiring 5 swing shift workers and about fifteen or 16 supervisors and managers," said Albert Belle company owner.

Along with our tube division, this brings Belle's Tubular to over 200 employees.

"Our tube division is the money maker," said Albert.  Their products include acrylic, glass, plastic, acrylic, polycarbonate, both round and square.

"If you need to move product in an enclosed medium, we can help," concluded Mr. Belle.

This is the company's third expansion as they added the tube cap division five years ago.  

The compleat company product line can be found at www.tubularman.fzno.

Tonight's Specials

A perfect 'business killing' storm has hit again.

The 1.5 star Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic says that because of the Swiss Festival  up the road in Sugarcreek, and The Ohio State Football Buckeyes playing a night game, their reservation numbers are way down.

"I just can't believe that this happens so often," says Chef Milton.

With that in mind, he has decided that every entree on the menu will be just $5.  

"Now that is tonight only," quipped the Chef, "this ends at midnight.  And reservations are suggested, but walk-ins will be seated based on table availability." 

Chef Milton did note that Sunday brunch is sold out because the Browns don't play til 4.

"I Was Drunk...."

Ingrid Andress did admit that she was guilty of 'singin while inebriated'.

But her version was only ranked as 4th worst by Billboard Magazine.

A list that includes Roseanne Barr, but does not include the local version by Hilly DeLuna.

Hilly's failure came while accompanied by the Shady Bend Marching Band.  Not only did she forget the opening line, she changed the lyric to "robbies red hair".

Ms. DeLuna entered rehab the next day where she met Frank Drebin.

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Notice of "Thinking"

The East Central Ohio Roundtable Think-Tank and Bourbon Sipping quarterly summit will be Saturday.

The rotating site location will be out at the Firman Mansion on the ridge. The discourse will commence when everyone arrives.

The topic will be:  Velcro

The bourbon will be: Pappy Van Winkle

Agenda

1. Roll Call

2. New Business

3. Old Business

4. Vote on replacing the late Harold Creakbottom

5. Topic Discussion

6. Vote on next meeting's bourbon

7. Vote to approve Uber invoice

An edited re-play of the discussions will be shown Monday morning at 6 on local cable Channel 88 FZNO.

Biz News

Local Pillow Company, County Down, is reporting record sales.

20 years ago, Don Ho's grandaughter, Heidi opened her first pillow manufacturing company in rural Coshocton County.

"I had so much goose feathers from our farm, that I just started stuffing pillow cases," said Heidi Ho.

"I am still getting checks from grandpa's 'Tiny Bubbles' record and that helped my start-up," Ms. Ho continued.

County Down is now raising geese and manufacturing pillows in all 50 states and Willodale, Ontario. Ho down is considered to be the finest in the down industry.

"It has been a volatile market," admitted Ho.  "Some guy started selling on TV and for a couple of years he cut into our sales, but this past 2 years, for some reason our sales are way, way up."

For more information go to: www.mypillowgal.ha

A Better Way

The monthly Making Life Better lecture series rotates to the Ragersville Gymnasium and Performing Arts Center this month.

The topic is: How to be better at superstitions.

"There are blues songs about black cats, Stevie Wonder sang Superstition, there is even the Superstition Mountain range in Arizona," said lecturer Edith Alot.

"I will shed light on the top superstitions and how to caution your children properly," she added. "In addition there will be a 'share a new superstition that you created' segment."

So don't knock over any salt or walk under any ladders until then Ms. Alot advised. "And knock on wood when you get there." 

The doors open next Monday at 6:30 pm.  

The ladies of the church will serve rum.

There Is A Chance

Although the odds are against you being chosen, there is a rare opening at Erewhon on Kokosing.

For the past 23 years, Erewhon  has been selected as "the Number 1, most prestigious mobile home park in America"  byTin Can Alley, the monthly trade publication.

Erewhon on Kokosing  opened in 1976 and the heirs to one of the first homes to move in, have pulled out.

"We just can't do it," delcared Faye Lynn Snellenburger. "The fees, the taxes, the rules, the regulations, the disapproving eyes, it's not for us. I know we inherited this place but we're moving on, every time we turned around we were being fined for something!"

The Appropriate and Approval Committee of the Erewhon Owners Association confirmed that there were issues with Faye Lynn's husband's trucks on cement blocks.  The Association will receive applications until Tuesday.

At that time the Committee  will read the application essays, conduct background checks and validate the non-refundable deposit checks.

"We don't allow just anybody in," confirmed Erewhon Owners Association President who remains nameless.

"I Quit"

The Sweeney brothers who cover news and sports events for The FresnOnion have informed the front office that Clete (who's put on a little weight) will no longer cover the Browns games.

"I went all the way to Washington to witness that?!" asked an exasperated Clete. "I can't think of one thing to write about except the media buffet."

Clete's brother Pete will continue to honor his contract.

"I will miss the meal allowance money," admitted Clete.

Tonight, Tonight, Tonight...!

Another pop-up midnight ramble will take place tonight at 7:30.

The regionally popular accordion rock band Yankee Frankovic will hit the stage at the Pearl Grange Hall.

The band is fronted by the the Nelson twins, Gunnar and Matthew.  Gunnar plays a Roland FR-8x while Matthew jams on his vintage Hohner Gola.

The Nelsons promise that tonight's encore will be a cover of Eric Johnson's Cliffs of Dover.

Doors for tonight's merriment open at 6:30.  You should be home by midnight when the "Courtship of Eddie's Father" marathon begins on local cable channel 88 FZNO.

As usual, bring your own drinks, lawn chairs and extra sawdust. 

The ladies of the Church will serve spicy Tai food.

Successful Research

Officials at a local institute of higher learning are confirming a breakthrough.

"Yes we can tell you that our years of research and development have resulted in the growth of shredded wheat," said department chairman Lawrence Arbia. 

Arbia's research students have been working on this idea for thirty years.

"And now we can eliminate a costly process in the food industry as our shredded wheat can truly be 'field to table'," noted the elderly educator.

The University of Food and Agriculture Research Tech (UFART) is also credited for providing local farmers with technology to raise shredded chickens.

New Field of Studies

Strasburg State University has announced that their  Anthropology Department will have a new degreed program.

"We will study the 'Beat Generation' and delve into all the questions around that era," said Department Chairman Benji Santini.

Those questions include but are not limited to:

-Why did the beat era start in the late 1940's?

-Why did it end? and is it really over?

-Why did they wear berets?

-Who thought of snapping fingers instead of applauding?

​-Are there Maynard G. Krebs amongst us?

-How did the goatee become a symbol of the beat generation?

-The musical influence before and after.

-Was television positively influenced?

-Who was the first person to say "daddy-O"?

Second year students will focus exclusively on the literature from 1949 to 1964.

​Third year students will explore the music and art works, while the 4th year will analyze the relationships of the subculture.

​Santini indicated that the classes are filling up.

A I Hits Home

Artificial Intelligence (AI) has been in the news quite a bit lately.  We've been warned for decades.

Now it seems that high school sports officials are being forced to confront the issue.

Local golf phenom, Stephen Hesterberg, has paired artificial intelligence with his golf game.

Hesterberg has developed a hat that stimulates neurotransmitters and sends a signal to his brain.

Over the past year, while practicing on the range if he felt he had just hit a perfect 6 iron he would hit "save".  

He did that for all golf shots that could be needed in a round.  When he "thought" of the perfect wedge shot, his brain would send the signal to his muscles and the results were mindblowing.

He came in second at the state finals because he got a bad bounce on the last hole.  He hadn't practiced the 150 yard, low hook around a tree, over a pond to a front pin.

Hesterberg, a sophomore, will testify before a joint committee from  Congress and High School Athletic Directors in August.

New Eats

The Eat Here Diner  has been purchased and after months of renovation and a soft opening last weekend, TheCluck Oink Moo is now open.

Local Chef Sherman "Stoney" Workman is the owner and says, "We don't do seafood."

"All food I'll serve is what I raise or grow out on the Workman Plantation," he noted.

The entrees are chicken, pork or beef with your choice of beans, broccoli, or corn.  The side salad is Stoney's hybrid lettuce with tomato, carrots, radishes and onion.  All salads come with the Workman Plantation honey mustard dressing.

"We keep it simple and you'll leave with a full belly," he promised.  

There are no take-home boxes.  All leftovers are fed to the homeless who work in the kitchen.

The Cluck Oink Moo is located just 8 miles off the interstate, close to the county road.

Check out their website at: www.justabitgassy.burp

Biohybrid Robotics

Those students at Cornell are pretty smart.

CNN is reporting: "The robots are the latest accomplishment of scientists in a field known as biohybrid robotics who seek to combine biological, living materials such as plant and animal cells or insects with synthetic components to make partly living and partly engineered entities."

In other words they got a mushroom to grow into the robot's hardware!

Taking the concept further, the science students at Strasburg State University have paired the robot's hardware with a Psilocybin mushroom.

Their robots only play frisbee, watch the lava lamps and listen to Pink Floyd, Brimstone and Coltrane. 

For The Dogs

Local Cleveland Browns fan and beer drinker Sephus Hornigan has a new product out that is just for the dogs.

"I noticed that while watching football with my friends, somebody almost always spills a beer," said Sephus.

"And my dog, Scooby, always laps it up," he added.

Worried about the alcohol consumption and the calories that Scooby was getting, Hornigan contacted White Claw.

"We've come up with a non-alcoholic, low calorie beer for dogs and it's coming out in mid August," he offered.

The name of this canine beverage is DewClaw.

You Ain't Nothin' But A......

The 45 Annual Fresno Kennel Club's Handsome Hound Show will be next weekend.

The most anticipated hound dog award show is held every year on the second weekend of September.

Hounds from around North America will traverse into the east central Ohio community .  

Last years Handsome Hound, Sadly, a Black & Tan Coonhound from Big Frog Mountain holler in Polk County, Tn., will return.

Last year Sadly  was the youngest coonhound to ever take home the ribbon. This year he'll compete as a 3-year old.

According to Fan Dual Sportsbook, Ted  the Basenji from Shreve, is the odds on favorite. The book says "having taken second place the last 4 years, Ted  is due."

The Fresno Kennel Club's president, Horvath Toms, invites everyone to attend. But he cautions that all cologne's, deodorants, after shave lotions, assorted perfumes and fragrances are forbidden to be applied to your body.  "It drives the dogs mad," he says. "You will be sniffed at the gate."

The highlight each year is the promenade of breed winners led by the year's Handsome Hound, serenaded by Big Mamma Thornton's original rendition of Hound Dog.

The Fresno Kennel Club'sAwesome Aussie Show will be in January. Winning 'The Henry'  is the most coveted award in the industry.  All major networks will televise. 

Luck

Some have it, some claim they have the worst.  

Luck, good fortune, fate however you acknowledge the force in life, most admit it exists.  In all forms.

On a golf course, the player feels he has the worst of luck.  While others proclaim him to be the "luckiest alive" when his ball strikes a limb and carroms back into play.

The card player, the business woman, the gambler all use a phrase proclaiming some form of "luck".

Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes sang about "Bad Luck".  

Well now "luck" has been verified and quantified.  

Strasburg State drop-out Smedley Gilchrist has opened a little shop in the strip mall to sell you "luck".  

"I came upon my discovery by accident," said Smedley.  "It's now bottled and for sale," he announced at the ribbon cutting ceremony.

Smedley's store called Successful Fate is open 10 to noon on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He plays golf on Sunday, Thursday and Saturday.  Poker on Mondays.

Here's wishing you the best.

Who He?

The neighbor from just down the street, around the bend about halfway up the hill just popped into the newsroom.

He said he'd just met the most interesting fellow meandering thru town.

They visited briefly and then the visitor said, "You know, I don't always visit Ohio, but when I do, I always  visit Fresno."

The neighbor said he drives a massive motor home pulling a trailer with a restored 1953 Ferrari 250 MM.

Any ideas on this guy?

Reuben

Ruben

First Franchise

The very first Ruben's Reubens franchise will be located out on the highway.

"We are so very proud to locate our first franchise in this area," said franchisee Penny "Pip" Queen.

American Idol second season winner Ruben Studdard is the namesake of this new food venture.

"The traditional sandwich has corned beef, sauerkraut, swiss cheese and thousand island dressing on rye," said Ruben.  "But we will feature ten different breads and 20 different cheeses so every time you come you can have a new experience," he added.

Ruben's Reubens  will even have a breakfast sandwich.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will cover the grand opening and ribbon cutting ceremonies when they open.  

Pip says they need employees....that want to work.

A Flamingo World Rarity

The Paigtnon Zoo in England has an unusual situation going on.  

CNN is reporting that two male flamingos have adopted an abandoned egg and subsequent hatchling.

The zoo's curator, Pete Smallbones (and I swear that is his real name), says it's actually common in some bird circles.

Politicians everywhere are hesitant to comment.  But one Veep candidate said it sounds like another "modern family" episode to me.

Again, News you really should not believe

OCP Forms PAC

The Ohio Cheese Producers  coalition has announced that they have formed a political action committee.

"We won't endorse anybody, we just want pro cheese legislation," said new committee chair Owen Cash.

"We've sent cheese trays to every Congressman and Senator in hopes of getting their attention on these important matters," Cash noted.

When pressed on what are "important matters" to cheesemakers, he listed:

1. Whey disposal

2. Standardized sample sizes

3. Standardized Cheese Melt temperatures.

4. Real Cheese in Cheeze puffs.

5. Real Cheese in Cheeze Whiz

6. Cheese D.E.I.  (not all cheese's are alike)

More information on the OCP-PAC can be found on their website:  www.boundup.net

        Multiple Mullein Winner 

(Tucamcari, NM) The National Mullein Growers Association held their annual convention recently at theBlue Swallow Motel in Tucamcari, New Mexico.

A Fresno area man was again the winner in four categories at the Mullein summit last week.

The annonymous 'Mullein legend' won for his "Mullein from a rock"  for the second time.  His "Back-Door Mullein"  was a first time ribbon winner.

This year his "Mullein Twins"  was an award winner and the "Dwarf Mullein"  took home Best in Show.

His name was again withheld as he doesn't want "...bothersome tourists..."

A New Line at Kosmo's

Kosmo's  Kosmetics has announced a new line in their varied cosmetic possibilities.

KaLinda Kramer, CEO, says that they will offer hairpieces for the bald baby.

"We've heard from so many new parents that they think it unfair that some babies are born with a full head of hair," she stated.

Now you don't have to introduce your child to the world and endure the 'bald jokes' or comments. 

"If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times; 'my what a beautiful baby, but goodness isn't she bald?!' " said one mother.

The new Infintile Hairpieces will come in all popular tints according to KaLinda.

Along with the hairpieces and extensions Kosmo's Kosmetics will also provide baby tats and piercings. 

KaLinda's husband, Kosmo, will continue with the adult cosmetic enhancements.  He hinted they will be searching for a suitable baby to feature in their advertising.  Kinda like the "Gerber Baby" he said with air quotes. 

Kosmo's Kosmetics is located at the end of the strip mall right next toButchMarie's Leather and Lace Boutique.

Hot Product

Fresno Industries says they just can't keep up with the orders of their newest product offering to consumers.

"Our new 'Shower Wash'  is the best selling invention in the past decade," said company President Rodney Karoo.

The Shower Wash  is similar to the car wash.  A person can sit or stand in the shower, press the start button and a series of nozzles will first spray you with a pre-soak soap.

Then a dozen brushes will scrub you as they move around your body.  The rinse cycle follows.

There is an exfoliating loofah option that is also available for a small upcharge.

​Fresno Industries is looking for installers. They will train and are offering a $5,000 signing bonus.

Goggles and snorkel sold separately.

Happiness

CNN recently reported on a Harvard study that lists 5 tips for a long and happy life.

 Andrea Kane, the story's astute and admired author,  says  we might be wrong if we think we know what makes us happy.

The oldest and happiest guy we know is Clem Kadiddle out on Hoppers Ridge.

Clem is 105, still lives alone, has a vivacious girlfriend that is much  younger than him and only eats what he can grow, catch and kill.

Clem shared his list for "living large" as he calls it:

1. Go ahead and fry your taters in bacon grease.

2. It's ok to mix your beer to taste, he prefers lemonade.

3. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

4. Plan one blowout party a year and play the music loudly.            He prefersJ. Geils Band

5. Floss and brush your teeth twice a day.

6. Don't argue with idiots

7. Support your local sheriff

8. Don't go swimming after a large lunch.

9. Don't miss any of the 5 most important meals each day.

10. Clean the refrigerator regularly.  If in doubt, throw it out!

Healthcare News

The newest breakthrough by Coyote Technologies of Keene is an anti-aging cream.

"I use it myself and people say I look 30 years younger," said Coyote CEO and Founder Heath "Smiley" Coyote.

Coyote Technologies say that a serum they created from locally sourced yucca plants is the key to their new product.

"I rub it on first thing every morning and last thing every night," noted Smiley.

Heath Coyote is also the founder of Kendall Inc. in Mesa, Arizona.  Kendall is the nation's largest peyote grower.

​"I chew a button first thing every morning and last thing every night, if I remember," admitted Coyote.

When pressed to reveal his age, Mr. Coyote admitted that he is 45 years old.

Neighborhood News

Lucky, "the can man", wants everyone to know that he will not be around the next two weeks.

Lucky Olsen has made a living by scrapping, repairing, refinishing and reselling junk.  

He also has a regular route of picking up aluminum cans.  

"My customers are good about pulling out their beer cans for me. They also crush 'em and I pick 'em up onest at week," he said.

"But I want 'em to just hold on for the next couple of weeks, if they could.  I am taking the whole fam damly to Myrtle Beach," Lucky declared.

Cicada Fest

Pete and Clete (who's put on weight) Sweeney are heading to Illinois.

Just south of Champaign, Illinois (on your way to Pesotum) is Tolono - the site of the much anticipated Champaign County Cicada Fest.

A once in 221 year thing is happening.  A double brood of cicadas are emerging.  The 13 year and the 17 year cicada have synced to make this year's fest one of the premier festivals in the midwest.

Rachel Grumman Bender. Yahoo.com's Life Health Editor,  has written extensively about eating these guys. 

There will be food trucks and the Decatur Brewing Company will have a special Cicada Shandy  bottled just for this summer.

Vendors will offer cicada mugs, hats, tee shirts, jewelry, plastic cicada Christmas tree ornaments, and a limited edition of cicada golf club headcovers.

The Sweeney brothers have been selected to be the Grand Marshals of the Cicada Parade and will be judges of the Little Miss Cicada pageant as well as the cicada eating contest.  Local DJ Mikey "he eats everything" Gleason will be at the head table, and is favoured 2-1 in the local casino.

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will accompany the Sweeneys to the Cicada Fest and hope to have film edited by the evening news. 

Solved!

The graduating seniors at  Strasburg State University  are on a roll.

For centuries the dodecahedrons that were discovered in Roman excavation sites have puzzled mankind.

Laura Baisis at Popular Science website says that the largest ever found is on display at the Newark, England museum.

The students have submitted a paper explaining the use of the twelve-sided object.

The ceramic department made replicas and each student took them home to study and ponder.

"We believe that they were planters," says Professor Patricia Pointsett.

"It is our collective opinion that the planters were used both indoor and out.  Indoors on a plant stand and outdoors as hanging baskets," she proffered.

"I did have one student think they were dog toys," Patty pointed out.

Viv

Memoirs Released Today

    With the recent passing of Charles Osgood, J.D. Souther, and now Kris Kristofferson, a local writer has decided to release her memoir.

    Mary Ellen Lansing, a prolific writer of salacious romantacy novels, has given the go ahead to her publisher to sell the collection of her life stories.

    The Melancholy of My Decades shares the life and times of the 92 year old.  Lansing has always written the "bodice ripper" novellas that have provided her with a good life.

    "I am pretty well off because of those books," laughed Mary Ellen. "How do you think I paid for 8 facelifts?"

    The trilogy featuring Paco the poolboy sat atop the best-seller lists for years.

    Her autobiography hits the stands today.  Look for it wherever books, booze and motor oil is sold.

No X in Nixon

The International Palindrome Society will convene this coming week in Coshocton, Ohio.

The Society's Chairman, Art Tra, says that palindrome enthusiasts, creators, and collectors from all over the world will traverse to the highly intellectual east-central Ohio city.

This will be the 66th year in a row that the spacious Lake Park Pavilion will house the festivities.

The end of the week awards ceremony will name the best new song, new sentence and new phrase. Each category winner will receive The "Anna".

Able Elba, will perform for the crowd during the Saturday Night Gala.  Elba is know for his version of The Palindrome Song originally by The Riders in the Sky.

The public is cautioned to refrain from calling authorities if they hear funny talking.

Sabatical Over

There have been many inquires to the FresnOnion home office as to the whereabouts of Pete and Clete Sweeney.

Sometimes you can work too much and the boss orders you to take a break.

This isn't the case.  Pete and Clete were tasked with covering The Open in Scotland.

Clete griped about the food and Pete asked if they could delay it a week because he was entered in a charity fundraiser at the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

The boss tersely asked them to leave for 2 weeks and come back with a better attitude.  

They're back.  Pete has not shaved and Clete has lost 2 pounds.  They are attending tonight's debut of the Mott the Hoople tribute band at the Gnadenhutten Civic Hall.  

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will simulcast.  The group has a hit climbing the Top 40 charts:  All The Middle-aged Dudes (spreading fake news).

Average Lives Here

A local man has been awarded The Joe Walsh Ordinary, Average Guy Award.

Stanley Schmeckman has been named the 2024 recipient.

Ordinary, Average Committee President Booby Gibson says Schmeckman's essay submission was what put him on top.

"Instead of writing paragraphs on why he should be considered, he just sent a screenshot of his daily 'to do' list," said Gibson.

Mary Ellen Lansing

Pervent

Frosst

Fries

Hair Revelations

CNN's Astute writer, Ashley Strickland, recently wrote about the analysis of Ludwig van Beethoven's hair.  

The revelation of high levels of lead may have been the reason for his deafness and early death.

Upon further research, we have also learned that Beethoven had a daily diet of trail bologna and swiss cheese.  

His hair also had high levels of Dr. Pepper and Cheetos.

It was widely known that Ludvig also drank a lot of sloe gin fizzes. 

His lack of exercise was confirmed, as many who knew him said he loved to recline in his bean bag chair.

Strickland's will probably be a regular contributor to the fresnonion.

WORD

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released this month's words for your conversations.

"This month we are really fed up with ugly turn in the everyday word choice," said Club leader Wilomena Levengood.

"The curse words, dirty. invective,
four-letter words;  the naughty, obscene, profane and vulgar are out of hand," she offered.

With that in mind the Club's suggestions for you to replace such words are:

Dang

Darn

Golly

Heck 

Gosh-darn

Dagnabbit

Doggonit

Malarky

Gosh

Drat

Gee willikers

CheeseNRice

"Let's clean it up," pleaded Wilomena.

Such A Nerdboy

Archeologists have made a discovery that they believe might be a compass owned by Copernicus.

This is the same guy that theorized the earth revolves around the Sun, the jury is still out on that one for some people.

The outstanding website, Artnet.com, has a lengthy story on the discovery written by the astute and unshaven Tim Brinkof.

Brinkof would not deny or confirm the rumor that also found at the site of the Copernicus compass  was his pocket protector with a 4-color ink pen, No. 2 pencil, miniature screwdriver, toothpicks, reading glasses, toothbrush, a golf tee, and Q-tips.

Found!

The senior astronomy students at  Strasburg State University  have been credited with finding a lost satellite.

The popular Space.com website has reported that the lost satellite was missing for 25 years.  It was launched in 1974, lost and found and lost again, and found in April. That's 50 years of non productivity. 

The Strasburg State  students affectionately call it "the congressional".

United States Air Force's Space Test Program launched the satellite in April 10, 1974.

In Meredith Garofalo's reporting, she notes that it's not an easy task to know the location and identity of every single object that's in orbit as there are more than 20,000 at the moment

A junior officer that begged for anonymity, said "Thank God," when asked for a comment.  "I am so tired of being asked every morning by the Colonel, 'have you found it yet?'"

Economic Development News

Binder's Gromets, Clasps and Buckles has announced that they will add a new line to their manufacturing empire.

"We are going to install the presses from Mantle's Fasteners Company," said CEO Tonya Binder.

"Mantle's is shutting down their operation and we have a received a grant from the White Eyes Twp. Foundation.  So come August 1 we will add another employee," noted Miss Binder.

Binder's Gromets, Clasps and Buckles was started in 1908 by Warren G. Binder and the family has been a fixture in the region ever since.

"I just wish Papa hadn't sold off the brassiere-hook division," Tonya confessed. "He just didn't think the idea would hold up."

Post Derby News

The Sweeney boys returned home late Sunday afternoon from attending the Kentucky Derby.

The exciting photo finish to this year's Derby wasn't the only excitement.

Clete, who's put on some weight, never left the sponsor's tent.  Woodford Reserve, a sponsor since 1999, had to invite Clete to leave.

Pete's arm got in front of one of the cameras positioned at the finish line.  He's now been flagged for next year's assigned seating. 

Clete, while trying to flirt with a middle aged enthusiast, suggested a bet on Encino.  She politely told him that horse scratched on Tuesday, then pointed him out to security.

Pete had to max out his credit card for "proper trackside apparel" as his crocs, cargo shorts and Zoar Golf Club tee shirt didn't pass muster.

Stanley

     Intern Solves Message

Another intern from Strasburg State University  has shone brightly this summer.

Eloise Hinter said she likes to solve puzzles.

Seems there have been mysterious radio signals coming from the sun of all places, as reported by the astute and keenly intelligent Frank Landymore at futurism.com.

There have been radio signals detected from outer space bombarding the earth for decades, but nothing like this.

Hinter says that she noticed a pattern, created an algorithm, deciphered the code and translated the following message:
"A.C. broke. Send HVAC guy. It's hot."

Eloise, a resident of California was glad to get the internship at The University of California, Berkley, which is just up the road from her home.

She received a $25 gift card from The Big Sur Surf-Smoke & Shirt Shop.

Sadly - 2023 Handsome Hound 

Mullein Twins

Fresno,Ohio 

The hippest village east of Marfa, Tx

Finally

In this season of graduations and graduation parties we thought it might be time to highlight the oldest sixth grader ever.

The Plainfield Elementary graduation ceremony was held recently and Kobe Cognion was finally handed his sixth grade diploma.

Kobe is 16 years old.  And quite the basketball star.  He dominated in every youth basketball league as his parents held him back after grades 3,4,5 and six.

"We just wanted him to be as mature as possible before getting to high school," said father Wilt.

Kobe's mother, Millie, said she is so proud of his straight A's every year. 

Plainfield H.S. basketball coach Bobby Snuggins says he can't wait to get this great talent into his program. Although Kobe is expected to be a "one and done" candidate after his freshman year.

"He will have to cut his hair and shave that beard though," quipped Snuggins, "We have a 'clean-cut' policy here in Plainfield, just like Steinbrenner's Yankees."

What The H*^#....?

Vince Lombardi shouted "what the h-e double toothpicks is going on out here" to his team when the play didn't go as planned.

Well, we can use those same words, only cleaned up a bit:  What the heck is going on out there?  

First a kangaroo held up traffic in West Virginia;

Then it was a loose Emu in Indiana;

or how about a rogue Peacock in Massachusetts?

It's a good thing Mr. Lombardi doesn't do the news at 6, he'd make Lewis Black sound like a preacher.

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

After the Boy Scouts of Americachanged their name to  Scouting America, another icon is following suit.

The Backstreet Boys will now be known as the Back Street Boys and  Girls.

"We want to be more politically correct, inclusive, embracing, and popular again," said Brian Littrell.

"Yes, we'll hold auditions in every city we perform in over the next ten years and then decide who can join," noted AJ McLean.

"There goes BSB," quoted a dismayed Nick Carter.  "now we are BSBandG.  Save your old tee shirts, they will be worth a lot in the future."

Local cable channel 88 FZNO will document the tryouts for a future mini-series.

Lotus II

The world famous 1.5 star resort,TheTie-Dyed Lotus  in Baltic, has identified a location for their expansion.

"We have purchased the island in the grand Muskingum River just across the highway from Tyndal," said site selector Rory Povich.

"We will offer all the amenities that our customers have come to expect at the Baltic location," offered Povich.

Chef Milton is accepting applications for his training program.

Construction is expected to take two years on the project tentatively titled "RiverLago".

Derby Boys

This news desk has dispatched Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney to the Kentucky Derby.

We hope to have a full report on what they witnessed and experienced later this week.

Upon departure, Clete said he would explore the Woodford Reserve angle, but would not be wearing his traditional Derby Plaid blazer.  "It's a little snug," he declared.

Early ID

The newly formed government's Office Of Intelligence Identification  (OII) has tagged a two month infant for monitoring.

This young lady, Ellie M, has been singled out as a future "Hawking".  

OII   Executive Director, Gurn Gedway, says this is a result of the generous endowment from the Stephen Hawking Foundation in the United Kingdom.

"This little one displays all of the traits and characteristics of an exceptional brain and will be one of the world's smartest," said Gedway. 

"When she turns six she will begin in the 6th grade. We believe her to be that smart," Gurn added.

The prodigy's parents have already signed a 'future' employment contract with Battelle in Columbus, Ohio and will administer the $900.000 per year salary until she's 18.

Ellie M and her parents live in a small town in Ohio and wish to remain anonymous.

​"We're afraid of getting new relatives that want a loan," said her dad.

Looks Like

The local chapter of the National Doppelganger Identification Society has a new discovery.

Perpetual political candidate Morley Wolfe, who runs for everything in east-central Ohio, looks like Arthur Carlson.  

"Once it was pointed out to me, it is remarkable.  He does look like 'Big Guy' the station manager of WKRP in Cincinnati," said Society member Bailey Morgan.

"I don't see it," Wolfe responded, "but I am running for Congress."

Wolfe has never been elected, but has great name and visual recognition. 

Performance Notice

The Naive Coquettes will have an unscheduled, unannounced, and unrehearsed concert next Saturday.

"With the kids back to school, we had drinks one day at lunch and decided to just try it again," said lead drummer of the all lady band, Judi Patrudski.

The girls were on the top of the charts back in the day, but life halted their meteoric rise.

"When three of the 5 girls got pregnant, that kinda diverted us," noted lead singer Charlotte McInally.

Trixie Ankrum will again handle additional rhythm with congas, timpani, bongos, timbales, djembe, cowbell, and triangle duties; and local weathergirl Renee Stottleberg will tickle keyboards and contribute additional vocals. 

The reunion is a 'donation only' event with all money going to local Constable Rollie F. Trupe's crossing guard fund.

When asked about their traditional and historic encore, lead guitarist Mollie Santana said yes we should expect her version of Strangelhold. And yes she still looks like Ted's twin.

Doors at the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall  in Chili, Ohio will open at 5 pm.  

The ladies of the church have their food and drink trailer in the parking lot and have promisedJell-o shots.

Back-door Mullein

The CCC Opens Tonight!

The ribbon cutting ceremony, a meet and great mixer, and VIP preview will be held this afternoon for The Chili Convention Center.

"It's been years in development, and now we are so proud to show off our new baby," said CCC managing director Horst Hemmingway.

Along with our sister facility, The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall, Chili is now the perfect destination for all things entertainment.

After today's festivities, the floor will be cleared and preparations will begin for the first event: A sports memorabilia merchandise show. 

A detailed description of the upcoming calendar for The CCC  can be found on their InstaFace account.

Book Release

There will be a book release and signing event tomorrow evening at The Coshocton Literary Guild's Guest House on 31st Street.

The Senior Research Assistant for The FresnOnion, Marcus T'wainT'wack, has another work out in hardback.

The First Draft and Thankfully Edited Modern Day Pop Songs 

The Titles that Were Initially Proposed

is his latest effort.

The 13 chapter book reveals that the first draft of David Loggins hit was titled "Please Come To Fresno" and later changed to Boston.

The Paul McCartney Classic "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" was penciled in at "Na-Na-Na, La-La-La". McCartney later said he changed it to something his granny always said, something profound. 

Marcus says that the Tom Petty song "You Got Lucky" was "You Look Chunky" but TP thought it could be offensive.

The party will start promptly at 6:35 and the ladies of the church will serve white wine.

Clete Sweeney heading up the escalator for final hearing.

Biz News

Local egg producer Pat Tee has announced big plans for expansion.

Her company, Eggs to a T, has purchased the Longaberger Basket  office tower on the east edge of Newark.

The abandoned building will be retro-fitted for one million hens.  

Through a grant from the Breakfast Diners of America Coalition, Tee will now be able to supply enough eggs for morning breakfasts nationwide.

The Licking County Sewer Authority has agreed to loan the Marne Sewer District the money to handle the solid waste from this venture.

Tee also plans to open a small plant to press pulp into egg cartons.

In addition, the top floor will be for food service from 5:30 am until 1 pm.

"We'll serve breakfast as well as egg salad sandwiches for lunch," noted Tee.

When told of the plans, local resident John Baldry said, "that's a lot of eggs in one basket."

Who'da Thought?

Max and Erma Leen's Roadside Diner has decided to add something new to their morning breakfast menu.

Erma says, "I just saw so many guys putting their egg on their toast and eating it like a sandwich I just thought why not do it for them?"

With that in mind, you will now find a breakfast sandwich featured prominently on the menu with a picture even.

"She even saw some weirdo putting their bacon on it too!" exclaimed Max.

Leen's Roadside Diner will not only build your breakfast sandwich on toasted bread, you'll also have the option of biscuit, bun, or bagel.

"We're are considering a slice of ham instead of bacon," sighed Erma.  "I guess we no longer live in a world where breakfast is bacon, eggs and toast."

Cheese is extra.

Bring It Back !

While preparing her sixth grade dissertation in preparation for elementary school graduation, young Suzi Wisterman came to a realization.

"Nobody decrees anything, anymore," she declared.

"I think we should bring back the decree and revere the decreer," she said in a recent press conference. "When was the last time channel 88 led the news with a 'decree' or it was top page of the daily newspaper?"

When asked by a local reporter if she was just lobbying for the job, Suzi indicated that her Grit route was enough.

Photographers Recognized

The Smithsonian Magazine has recognized Vivian Maier for her street photography.  Maier's first museum exhibition is currently on view at Fotografiska New York.

Locally, famous Township Road photographer Lionel Burton has his works on display at the internationally acclaimed Fresno Art Gallery.

Burton gleaned works from four areas of interest: The paved road, the chip and seal, the graded dirt road and the roads that have never seen a road grader. 

Lionel has also photographed football games, queen contests, golden anniversary  parties, farm implements but has never had his picture taken.

"We are so blessed with miles and miles of township roads," said Burton the shy lensman who lives on a single lane dirt road.  

"I love life here and the opportunities for photography, but I do not appreciate the kids writing 'Wash Me' on my dusty car," he noted.

A Church Incident

   Reports are starting to trickle in about an incident recently at a revival in the south.

   The First Self-Righteous Church in Pascagoula, Mississippi had a squirrel amongst the parishioners.

   Local stringer Ray Stevens has filed this report: (click here).

Best In Show -Dwarf Mullein

Sweeneys in Pinehurst

Pete and Clete (who has put on a little more weight) have arrived in Pinehurst, NC for The U.S. Open.

This is their 203rd consecutive major championship they've attended and volunteered.

This year the USGA has assigned Pete to be the driver for Scottie Scheffler.  Clete was issued a 4xl orange and yellow safety vest and will man the special gate for Scheffler's car to enter the parking lot at Pinehurst No. 2.

"We don't need another 'PGA Incident' said USGA Executive Committee President Fred Perpall.  "Not sure it's needed as we aren't in Kentucky anymore," he added.

The Sweeneys are staying at The Welch Estate.

BBQ !

An authentic south-Texas barbecue banquet hall has opened in Fresno.

"We've renovated the old feed mill," said BettyLou ThelmaLiz Hubbard.

"Ever since I moved here from Shiner I've wanted to treat my new friends and neighbors to the food I grew up on," shared Hubbard.

There will be two pits going at the same time on Friday & Saturday, 11a-11p.  And Sundays will be brunch only for the after church crowd from 10a to 3p.

Thursday will be Sausage Only.

​Ray Wylie LeClerc will be the      grillmaster.  He is known as the      "brisket king" and has over 40 years in the business.

Shiner Brewery has agreed to brew a special Buckeye Bock just for the Fresno location.

"I can't wait for everyone to taste his rubs and sauces," said an excited BettyLou ThelmaLiz.

Lecture Tonight

The Monthly Making Life Better  Lecture this evening features the ever popular Jorge "Corkie" McCorkle.

Corkie will be speaking on his favourite topic, Buzzards.

Doors at the Plainfield Civic Centre open at 6:30.  The presentation is usually 40 minutes.

The 'after lecture' is again catered by the ladies of the church.  The free will offering will cost you $5.00.

Tonight's Menu Special

Chef Milton at Baltic's 1 1/2 star resort,            The Tie-Dyed Lotus,  has just published tonight's menu special.

"I have revived an oldie and goodie," said Chef Milton. "Tonight I am proud to feature the Dixie Chicken along with the Tennessee Lamb."

Chef Milton says he hasn't gone to this effort in over 3 years now even though it has been requested every weekend since then.

Each dish will be paired with southern belle peppers, dixieland smashed potatoes and Memphis light beer.

"It was a once-a-month special down at the Commodore Hotel  where I apprenticed, and quite frankly, I was tired of those two entrees," confessed the world class chef.

Reservations are a must at  The Tie-Dyed Lotus.

Managers Note:  The dress code frowns on cargo shorts, crocs and sleeveless t-shirts.  

Summer Camp Season

Along with the traditional summer camps for kids like 4-H, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Invention Camp, Church Camp comes the return of the all time favorite: Wiffle Ball Camp.

The fabled Sawmill Ball Park will again be the location of the Rico Carty Wiffle Ball Summer Camp for boys aged 8-12.

The young men will be housed in the old CCC dormitory west of town and bused in every morning.

The morning sessions will be spent on: 

~how to throw a wiffle curve

~how to hit a wiffle curve

~how to throw a knuckler

~how to hit a knuckler

~how to catch a knuckler

~how to hit the runner for an out

~how to hit to the opposite field

The after lunch sessions will be 5 inning doubleheaders on all 5 diamonds.

The Rico Carty Wiffle Ball Camp begins July 1st and the children will be returned home for the first day of school.

All details can be found on the Rico Carty myfacespace page.

Shocking News

There are reports coming out of Hollywood that have been triple sourced, and  left the industry stunned.

It is now becoming evident that Don Cornelius was not the first option to hostSoul Train.

The show aired for a year in Chicago then nationally in syndication.

The executives told Mr. Cornelius that even though he created the concept, he could produce but not be the on-air host.

They thought Lawrence Welk would be better and bring a larger audience.

They realized their mistake during the first dress rehearsal. 

Ooley at Standing Rock

New Cruise

We've all heard of Caribbean cruises, Alaskan cruises, River cruises and now there is the Creek Cruise.

Skeet Sweeney, dockmaster at the White Eyes Docks says that Carney Cruise Lines  have leased the newly renovated and expanded Dock #4.

"They tell me that there are plans for affordable cruises up the Mighty White Eyes Creek," said Sweeney.

Cinda Swanson the public relations VP for Carney Cruise Lines  says they will be debuting their newest sleek 5 story 'creek cruiser'. 

"It will feature four decks with 5 rooms on each deck.  The room will have windows out each side.  The top deck will be for indoor/outdoor dining and martinis," Swanson noted.

Sweeney says that when the creek cruiser is away from dock, all houseboats and pontoons must be tied off in the east branch or west branch of the Mighty White Eyes Creek.

The Mighty White Eyes Creek Cruise will begin Mother's day weekend.  

Author Here

The wildly popular author Skeet "Shooter" McGavin will be at the Oberlin College Branch Library  in Fresno this Saturday.

On the heels of his newest fiction, Indubitably Questionable, McGavin will sign copies from 5-10 pm.

"I've also carved out some time to read a few passages and take pictures with my fans," said Shooter.

Moira Trenkbottom is the Sr. Assistant Librarian in charge of the Adult Section, and says McGavin's novels are the most loaned in Ohio.

"In fact we have so many of his books, we call it 'Skeet Row' she giggled. 

​The ladies of the church will serve pinot.

Investors Needed

     Local jeweler Monus Steintruber in Baltic is looking for financial backing for his newest idea.

     Word has leaked that the planet Mercury has a ten mile thick layer of diamonds.  Robert Lea is now reporting that very fact in a recent story on space.com.  And, this prolific writer's expose is mind-blowing.

     NASA's MESSENGER (Mercury Surface, Space Environment, Geochemistry, and Ranging) has been sending back data since 2004 and has determined that the precious gem is very prevalent.

     With that in mind, Monus wants to form a mining company on the first rock from the sun.

     Stop in his store on 21st Street, if you are interested.  He serves tea at 3.

     Steintruber also wants everyone to know that replacement class rings are now 50% off.  His stock goes back to the class of '49.

Write That Down

While having a piece of pie at Workman's Fine Dining recently, this writer overheard a most interesting conversation.

Two old boys were having breakfast and talking about the weather.  How hot June was and how cold these August mornings are. 

The first old boy concluded with quite conviction and certainty in his voice that "the times they are a changin'."  

"I should write that down," he said.

The second old boy said, "Dylan already did."

"Is he one of those New Bedford Dillons?" asked the first.

"No, he's a singer, horrible voice too," said the second.

"Bet  he plays golf," stated the first.

"What is our tee-time?," wondered the second.

​"I don't like tea, stick to coffee," snarled the first.

These are strange days, I thought.  Somebody should write that down.

No More

With the onset of summer break, The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has, again, taken a break from their purpose.

Instead of re-introducing us to words for our vocabulary, they have listed some to eliminate.

This year's collection include:

but'cept

warsh

chimbley

hangry

chillin'

You'ns

Club chairperson Wilomena Levengood says she's looking forward to the fall's incoming freshmen.  

"It is always refreshing to observe their perspective and wide-eyed enthusiasm," she said.  "And the hazing and initiation week is a hoot...oops that was last year's word to eliminate!"

Regatta Details Set

The annual Labor Day Regatta on the Mighty White Eyes has been expanded to 4 days.

Thursday  will feature the rowing competition.

Friday  is for the sail boats.

Saturday  will be the traditional speedboat races.

And Sunday  will be the "Great Tie-off & Parade".  Last year over 600 boats set an all time high for the number of boats and indecent exposure warnings. 

The "anything that floats but a boat" will put in at the Orange boat ramp and float past the tie-off.  Judges awards will be announced at 6pm. This year 1st Place pays $3,000.18.

Local Blues Rock band Zeke 'N Eddie with special guest Joe Walsh sitting in will provide the parade soundtrack.

All activities will take place at the mouth of the Mighty White Eyes and Tuscarawas Creek. 

Ladies Monthly Luncheon

The July Monthly Luncheon for the all-denomination church ladies will be this Thursday.

The famous French Painter Meta "Lark" Lemond will be the featured guest.

Lark moved to Fresno last winter and has opened his gallery this summer.

Lemond has a  long line of artists in his lineage.  His great grandfather, Francois, mixed the paints for the touch up work in the Sistine Chapel.

Meta's mother dates back to Jean-Baptiste Oudry. Oudry was known for his paintings of animals, hunting, and (ahem) women.

This month's color scheme:  shades of orange for clothing, royal blue for headwear.

The cash bar will benefit the janitor's fund.

11 Octaves !

It's official.

Local opera singer Xander Schnauffelman has the widest range of any human.

Now we all know that Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston,  Freddie Mercury and Beyonce have an octave range of 7.

And until now, a gentleman by the name of Tim Storms. an American singer and composer held the Guinness World Record for both the "lowest note produced by a human" and the "widest vocal range" that being a range of 10. The famous Ohio Newscaster Jim Leckrone had the deepest voice on earth.

But Xander, the 22 year old who trained and studied at the famed Oberlin Conservatory of Music, has been verified as a possessing a range of 11 octaves.

He has been hired as choir director for all county elementary schools and will give voice lessons in the evenings.

Neighbors Bernice and Lester (last name withheld) say they know when he's warming up.

"The low notes sound like a milk truck jake brake," said Lester.

"His high notes really bother our puggles," added Mrs. Brown.

Unemployed Already

Lois and Murphy Alberts are sadly reporting that their son is back home and unemployed.

Herbie was hired fresh out of graduating from Strasburg State University by the prestigious NYC literary firm Wendy Sherman Associates.

Herbie was told his first assignment would be as a ghost writer.

He showed up first day with a satchel full of notes and research on Casper.

His parents indicate he's looking to rebound locally.  So if you are hiring, for anything, contact the young Alberts on his MyFaceSpace  page.

Clem's girlfriend, Erlene

July        July                July                 July                 July                     July                    July 

From The Blotter

Constable Rollie F. Trupe says things could've been worse. "It was a cluster," he said.

It was Senior Citizen night  at The Round N'Round.  The local skating rink sets aside every Monday for the geriatric, but last night was different.

A tour busload of British seniors stopped in, strapped up and proceeded to hit the boards.

Only problem was they went the wrong way in the wrong lane.

Local EMTs were called to treat the mostly minor injuries.

One Londoner was taken to the hospital for observation because she kept mumbling something about missing tea, crisps and crumble.

Technician Dale Evanstorm says she went through a lot of gauze and ice packs.

The Round N'Round manager indicated that because the night ended early and no one stayed for the smorgasbord, all leftover Mac & Cheese will be free today.

Lunar Spelunking Anyone?

CNN recently reported about a cave being discovered on the moon. 

The tri-county chapter of the Ohio Spelunking Association, We-R-Cavers,  has filed a petition for permission to explore that cave.

"Our chapter is made up of scientists, archeologists, and amateurs," said Maury Wills, Grand Caver.

"We are financially stable and able to pay for transportation, and look forward to hearing back from NASA," Wills added.

More information on the locals can be found at www.downadarkhole.com.

Charming

Because so many people are moving out of the city, Betway an online betting and gaming site, conducted a survey to find appealing places.

All sorts of metrics and variables were collected and Zanesville came up as No. 2 in the USA.

Channel 4's astute and revered veteran reporter Stephanie Thompson revealed that parks, museums, galleries in Zanesville helps with their appeal.  

The best secret in Ohio is The Zanesville Country Club.  And as hard as it is to believe, golf wasn't part of the equation.

What should noted is that Fresno got honorable mention.  

The Hoyt-Clagwell Museum, The 'Lij Huff shovel display, the Veterans Memorial Bell, the Hillside Music Archive, the Jean Durbin Ceramic Display, Aunt Myrtle's Erotic Paperback Library, and The Wooly Pig Brewery were mentioned.

"It's a good thing we only have one house for sale," said one anonymous resident, "or else big city folk will be moving here and they don't even know how to prime a pump!"

Wolfe

Ted 

The Best Decade

The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili has announced an addition to the July schedule.

The Stafford & Stevens Travelling 70's Salvation Show  will stop in the storied venue on July 5th.

Jim Stafford and Ray Stevens were staples of 70's radio.  Known for their wit in the stories they sang, the duo has formed a revue of the period.  A period many say was the best  for music and party.

Stafford's hits include "Spiders & Snakes", "Swamp Witch", "Under the Scotsman's Kilt", "My Girl Bill", and "Wildwood Weed".

Stevens hit the charts with Grammy-winning recordings "Everything Is Beautiful" and "Misty", as well as novelty hits such as "Gitarzan" and "The Streak"

Stafford's first wife Bobbie Gentry will join the duo's tour.  Farah Fawcett will act as the MC and autograph posters.

Tickets for The Stafford & Stevens Travelling 70's Salvation Show are on sale now, so tell your brother Bill to get off the windmill, put some clothes on and get front row seats.

Electioneering

The Fall Season is upon us.  That also means that an election is coming up.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe is again on the ballot.  And again Rollie is running unopposed for the fifteenth time.

But the fact that Rollie is so well liked and nobody else wants the job, hasn't stopped the negative advertising.

Last night during the Ag Report on local cable channel 88 FZNO,  a commercial accusing Constable Trupe of ignoring his diet, sneaking an occassional Marlboro and hiring somebody to change the oil in his '71 Chevy Vega was aired.

Investigation by this desk, through the Freedom of Information Act, revealed that his wife, Judy,  paid for the commercial.

​"I didn't want him to feel left out," said Judy.

Finally

For as long as we've been alive there was that barn that sat about 2 miles off of the Tiverton Freeway.  Nothing around it, nary a tree; just acres and acres of wild grasses and flowers.

Nobody knew the owner, never any activity out there. Just a very, very  large barn.

Some thought it to be part of a criminal enterprise, as some are wont to think.  Others opined it to be tied up in an estate or  in a trust.

But two years ago we noticed a path beaten down to that forlorn structure. Then a gravel lane.  Now a concrete drive.

After two years of renovation, rehabilitation and structural recovery, the Barton Brothers have revealed their latest business enterprise: The Lonesome Barn.

"We've created space for multiple uses," said the eldest Barton, Charlton.  "We just felt a need to save grandad's old hay barn."

The younger Barton brother, Bubby, will handle all of the bookings and maintenance. Charlton will continue to make public appearances, host luncheons and play golf.

"We see The Lonesome Barn as perfect for reunions, certain parties and 2nd wedding ceremonies," said Bub. 

He did go on to say that there will be no  bachelor parties, 1st Weddings  (unless they are over 45), no fraternity mixers or rumspringas.

"Nothing that might result in destruction.  We've invested over three million dollars in this place."

Contact the Bartons on their myfacespace  page.