Scholarship Application

Applications for the Wilmer Harrigan Scholarship are now being accepted. 

Again, instead of a written essay, a short film on corn will determine the winner. 

Harrigan was the longtime master grinder at the Fresno feed mill.  

Thelmalou Harrigan is the administrator of her great uncle’s scholarship. “The cornographic film should cover the complete cycle. From planting to cultivation to harvest to feedstock, “ said Ms. Harrigan.

The successful candidate must also be enrolled at Tyndall A&G.  “agriculture and genetics, are the future,” she added.

National Act to Stop in Keene

The award-winning Tedious Prose will make an unscheduled stop in Keene on Dec. 25th

Cletus Levengood, Stage Manager of the Keene Civic Hall was asked if they can handle such a large draw. "Yep" he said.

Tedious Prose is a big, swinging, blues band that have 19 albums out.  They are touring in support of their latest effort: Sorry Apology which is soaring up the charts.

Tickets will be available at the side door because some prankster welded the front doors and ticket window shut.

Local Retailer Finds New Space

   Leather 'n Lace Saddle Shop and Lingerie Boutique has announced that they will be moving right next door.

   "Oh the room is just awsome, awsome, awsome!" said ButchMarie Nagurski.

   "Since I opened back in '88, I've always been cramped.  And when old Pap McGlone closed his deli, I latched on to the building," she added.

   Renovation and moving should take a month.  Look for Grand Opening announcements.  

   "We'll do the opening right, I'll have some bits and bras for doorprizes. And the County Administrator will be here," Nagurski promised.

Baseball News

The Cleveland Indians, oops Guardians, equipment trucks left for Arizona today, so baseball is coming right soon.

Locally, the Fresno Indians, oops INDIANS, little league baseball team will hold a bake sale Saturday.

The little leaguers will also embark on their winter caravan beginning the last weekend of February.

They will visit all churches, granges and carry-outs in the district to promote the upcoming season.  Signed merchandise will also be on sale.

​Sicnarf Loopstok has been signed to manage the team. "I am exceptionally excited to bring my wealth of knowledge about Aruba to these young players," stated Loopstok.

The season opener is on Memorial Day.

Release Party Announced

It used to be that a 'release party' was when cousin Paulie was getting out of the pen.

Nowadays a 'release party' is for new music coming out.

The local musicans Worse Worry have announced that they'll hold a 'release party' for their newest effort.

The 4 original songs will be available on 45 rpm, 33 1/3 rpm Long Play, 8-track, cassette, Compact Disc, and downloadable MP3. All music is now in stereo.

The 45 rpm record is already getting airplay.  The "A" side: Your Sister Can't Cut Bait is in the top 40.  The "B" side: Never Really Liked Your Sister, is in regular rotation on progressive FM stations.

The third song, Progressive Valley PTO, is a farm ballad that glorifies the power take off.  While the 4th cut, Sister-Sister-Sister, is a long instrumental Jam.

The 3-man quartet have booked the stage at The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili on July 3rd.  Doors open at 6. Bring your own.

Cable 88

Local Cable Channel 88-FZNO has released some programming notes.

Two new series will debut this month.  CSI-Wilmot will air on Mondays at 9 pm. And the coveted Thursday 10 pm slot will feature The Real Housewives of Isletta.

The network has also procured the rights to My Mother the Car, Joanni Loves Chachi and all seven episodes of Concrete Cowboy according to Station Manager, Burt G Peters.

These changes will join the popular series of Atwood Shore, Keeping Up With The Yoders, Milking With The Stars and reruns of The Huntley Brinkley Report.

For the binge watchers, Peters also noted that on Groundhog Day the station will run all five episodes of Ace Crawford-Private Eye. The Tim Conway classic will air all day long.

"The fact we could secure this epic limited series should really please our advertiser," said Peters

All of this comes on the heals of last month's stunning move of Anna Nicole Smith to morning weather and traffic reports.  

HC Clothing Coming Soon!

Your local Hoyt Clagwell Tractor Dealer has hinted that a HC line of clothing is in the offing. 

White and black tee shirts will be first.

White are suitable for work and when torn they can be used as shop rags.

Buy a 3XL for mother's nightshirt.

The black shirts are for hog roasts, concerts, bike week and funerals.

Watch this page for more info.

Disaster In Augusta!

It's Masters Week and the worst news of the week has just been reported.

The Semi truck delivering the famous Pimento Cheese to Augusta National Golf Club has been hijacked.

"The first of our expected two deliveries of buckets of pimento cheese has disappeared," said Tony Lema III, director of food service at Augusta National. "The Augusta Board of Directors owns the food preparation and packaging plant that supplies all of our delicacies."

Temporary workers and overtime has been scheduled at the plant and the sandwiches might be available for the first round on Thursday, according to Lema. He said they will just make toast until then.

"We won't pay the ransom," he added "this is something out of The Sopranos."

The  FresnOnion Is sponsored by your local  Hoyt Clagwell Sales and Service dealer.

Annual Snipe Hunt Results

The 56th annual White Eyes Township Snipe Hunt was held last Saturday.  This traditional event is held the first Saturday in December of each year.

Each youngster was sent into the Shroyer cornfield equipped with a brown grocery bag and thumb clicker.

Again, not a single snipe was captured, however there were many reports of sightings and near bags.

As is the case every year, Tory Snunkmus was late coming in.  "This was his last year for the hunt, and he's such a competitor," said his mum.  "He really wanted to go out with the first capture ever."

This wildly popular event even made it to the TV show Cheers.  The regular bar patrons took Frasier on a snipe hunt; he said it was "exhilarating".

For those who might not be schooled on how to properly hunt snipe, it can be confusing. 

The proper hunt method is to open the bag, place it on the ground between your legs, and hold the top of the opening with your left hand.  While holding the bottom of the opening just about an inch above the ground, you use your right hand to operate the thumb/finger snipe clicker to call them in. All the while calling the snipe in with: "Here snipe, snipe, snipe." Once you notice that the snipe have raced into the bag, a quick cinch secures your prey.

Parents should begin preparing their children for next years hunt.

It is widely believed that Roger Miller should be credited with formation of the White Eyes Township Snipe Hunt.

We're not sure when the parental bourbon sipping began.

Chester Is Home

Local woodworker, carver and fine craftsman, Chester Drawz is finally home.

Each winter, Chester heads out into the world to locate rare and unusual pieces of wood for his unique projects. Drawz was a protege of Ernest Warther.

"Boy oh boy, this trip was outstanding!" exclaimed Drawz.  "I am so excited for everyone to stop by the shop and see what I shipped home. I also picked up some nice Lee Ferguson knives: Honduran Rosewood handles and carbon steel with a Rockwell hardness of about 60, a wonderful knife." 

Chester has placed his commisioned works in front yards (totem poles), in collections (both private and museum) as well as for public sale in his shop.

"Yea, I've done some yard art, carved stumps, family history totem poles, custom baseball bats, table tops, you name it," noted Chester.

Drawz said he visited nine countries on 3 continents this past trip.

"I whittled door handles during my downtime when I had the stomach bug," he said, "let me tell you there are some places you should pack a bucket and not eat the local cuisine."

Drawz Creations on Main Street will open April 1st.

Local Company to relocate

A longtime manufacturer has announced plans to relocate their facility.

"It's not a move out of town, but across the tracks," said DunkinDoorknobs CEO Artimas St. Clair.

"The Keagy & Lear building is much more suited for our process. Especially the furnace for forging or casting, and the shipping docks for trucks and trains is very desireable," St. Clair added.

St. Clair went on to promise the company would continue to produce porcelin, ceramic, glass, bronze and all various metal knobs. 

The family owned company has been in the doorknob business for 143 years.DunkinDoorknobs employs 359, all family members. 

"We're all just a bunch of knobs," Artimas quipped.

Use These Words Today - Vol. 2

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has announced this month's  list of words for reintroduction to our daily vocabulary.

"We just think this new list of words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We've noticed last month's list has registered a nice uptick in usage," she added.

This Month's Words:

1. Snollygoster

2. Throttlebottom

3. Besotted

4. Vestige

5 Hornswaggle

Last Month's Words:

1. Gaggle

2. Betroth

3. Caper

4. Ruffian

5. Kablooey

Watch this space monthly for more suggestions of words you should use when calling the talk show, or talking with your obnoxious cousin.

Local Blues Band Ready to Move On

The wildly popular Zeke&Eddie have announced that they finally found their new drummer. 

Missy MacStickland, the most famous rhythm keeper in the world has agreed to join the guys.

"She's huge," said Zeke. 

"And good, too" added Eddie.

"Don't be fooled by her girth, there's a lot going on behind that drum kit," noted Zeke.

"Yea, sometimes we wonder where all that sound is coming from," Eddie chortled.

Zeke&Eddie needed to find a new drummer, because their old pal Clem Stinson's wife grounded him.  He's not allowed to come out and play anymore. 

Tied For The Best

Word was received locally yesterday that Fresno students are equal to Lake Wobegon students.

The Fresno Teachers Association announced on Friday  they were told that the complex grading criteria revealed that Fresno's students are "all above average."

"This just shows to go ya," said FEA President Bunny MacLoud. "We did away with the tests that gauge what the students learned over six weeks time.  Now we teach and test almost simultaneously."

The Student Barometor Intelligence Consortium combines the scores of The California Achievement Test (CAT),  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), The Exceptional Children Achievement Test (ECAT), and The Strasburg/Stanford Achievement Test (SSAT).

Up until now, Lake Wobegon was the only location in the lower 48 states where "all the children were above average." 

Now Fresno joins them at the top of the list.

Tribute Band Won't Perform

Re-Devo, a tribute band to the 80's one hit wonder synth pop group will not play Saturday afternoon at The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili.

Devo, was an Akron band that formed in the 70's but had a techno-pop sound and cult following.

They wore red planters as hats.

No one bought tickets.

​Whip it good.

Shrinkflation Affecting Egg Industry

     The ongoing state of the economy is having quite the influence on food suppliers.  

     The cereal boxes are smaller, the loaves of bread are shorter and now there's only 10 eggs in your dozen.

     Local egg producer Pat Tee says she has seen this coming for months now. 
"yes, I've seen this coming for months now," she said.

     Tee went on to conclude, "this is only the beginning. Wait until shrinkflation hits the underwear companies! That won't be pretty."

Men In Black Casting Call

Word has been leaked to this reporter that a new Men In Black movie is in the offing.  And, that producers are scouring the midwest for extras.

The M.I.B franchise has starred Tommy Lee Jones · Will Smith · Rip Torn · Emma Thompson · Chris Hemsworth · Tessa Thompson in the past, and all are expected to make cameo's in the new installment tentatively titled: Men In Black in BigBox Stores.

If you think you have the unique look that might attract the producers, be sure to watch this space for casting calls. But don't be surprised if you are approached while shopping, picking up cans, or walking around at the county fair.  

Local thespian Hurd Gerdley says he can help them as he's had many encounters with "...those strange rangers....."

Entertainment News

(Chili, OH)  The Chili Arts and Cultural Growth Committee has announced another event.   

     The Little Feat "Waiting for Columbus Anniversary Tour" will make a three night stop at the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall.

     Bill Payne, a founding member of Little Feat, said "we've wanted to play this storied venue forever, now we will."

     He went on to add: " Lowell played a solo gig here and said the acoustics are cool."

     Tickets go on sale at the box office as soon as they are printed.

One Thing Leads To Another

The headline is the answer to the musical trivia question: What was The Fixx's only hit?

But it also indicates a growing nationwide trend:  that of stealing the Dairy Queen giant spoon.  First in Arizona, now here.

Constable Rollie F. Trupe has been assigned the case of the missing spoon from the Farmerstown DQ.

"I'll put out an apb, check local pawn shops and listen to trading post," said the man with a badge, but no gun.

"These things usually have a solution," offered Trupe. "Probably some sort of interweb, viral, twitley challenge thing." 

CONOCOComing to Shady Bend

    A Full Service gas station will be        opening soon on the north side             of Shady Bend.

    "Yea, coming in from the west we'll be on the left side of the road," said co-owner Cecil Cetron, "Just look for the big red CONOCO sign.

    His partner, Bob Boron, said that offering good gas, good conversation and full service of your car in a timely fashion is their goal:  "we'll be quick about it."

    "Yea, the key to our success is how fast we can get you in and out.  Kinda like turning over tables at the diner. We can't have you camping in front of our pumps," added Cetron.

    Cecil went on to caution that those repairs that take some time is not their forte. "We will add a quart, fill the wiper fluid, add some coolant, change wiperblades, add some air to the tires and wash the windshield. That sort of service."

    Boron said they will both work at the same time, unless they have golf league. "We're not in the same leagues, so that's good."

    Look for the grand opening soon.  Cable Channel 88-FZNO will broadcast live that day.   CW McCall will not be there, though.

Mendenhall Marina Now Open

As is customary on the first day of March, the Mendenhall tripletts have opened their Marina for the season.

Marlin, Merlin and Bob spent the winter months scraping, priming and painting the place and built an extension on the shop.

"We have added quite a few new accessories," says Bob.

The Mendenhall Marina caters to the pontoon and houseboat owner only.  "We can't be everything to everybody," said Merlin. Marlin nodded in agreement.

The shop will be open 6-9 am and 6-9 pm each and every day until October 1st.  The middle of the day is reserved for 27 holes of golf at the  County Road 2 Country Club.

Mendenhall Marina is located at the end of Twp Rd. 643 on the north end of Lake Forrest.

Reverb News: {3/21}

The TimbrShivrs will be the host band at tonight's OPEN MIC NITE.  

OPEN MIC M.C. Jacob Bobenapple says the band's warmup will start at 6:30 so sign-up early.

OPEN MIC NITE is a once a month feature at The Third Base Cafe (Last stop before home).  

NOTE:  The Thompson Twins are still banned from attempting to sing the fig plucker song....

NOTE #2:  After last month's boring and dangerous attempt of the long 'Oklahoma' medly by Suzi Luchee , ALL SHOWTUNES are prohibited.

An Editorial

Why is today so special? I ask.

Why does everyone throw parties every year on this date?  I just don't get it.

Celebrating Sinkhole with Mayo!?

What is that a sandwich or something? And who puts mayo in a sinkhole? 

It's always something.

--Emily Litella, May 5,2023

City On A Diet

A recent study has revealed an alarming fact:  New York City is too heavy and is sinking!

The collective weight of the skyscrapers and the population is just too much for the ground under 'the big apple'.

An executive order from Mayor Eric Adams is drastic but should be effective to reverse the trend.

"I have created a STOP THE SINK task force," said Adams. "We have implemented a 2-prong plan to address this emergency problem."

The first part of his plan is establishing a weight limit for all residents. 

"Nobody that wishes to live in our city can weigh over 200 pounds. If you are fat, get out," said the Mayor.

Also, every building is ordered to remove the top 2 floors.  

"We know we are changing the skyline, but the economic boom of establishing new demolition companies is a wonderful offset," Adams noted.

Landlords and large folk are organizing protests.

The Stop The Sink Portly Police will start weighing citizens July 1st.

Bowl Invitations Accepted

The first annual Bol Bowl has secured the first participating football teams from institutes of higher learning.  

THE Buckeye State Cardinals will take on the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles in the inaugural New Years Day game sponsored by former NBA player Manute Bol.

The Bol Bowl will kickoff at 8:30 am at the famed Red Sea Stadium in Coshocton, Ohio.  

Tickets will be handed out on a first come, first served basis at Workman's Restaurant.  A second ticket can be secured if you buy a piece of pie.

editors note: Mel Tillis will not be the play by play announcer. Last year a  team  had kicked the point after,  before he finished the touchdown call during The Rose Bowl.

Gun Show

Donnie Lonegan has scheduled his yearly gun show.

Each and every year for the past 56 years, Donnie has displayed his 1939 Singer in the attached side office at his residence.

The sewing machine company had retooled during WWII and made this handgun.

Only 2 are known to exist.  One is for sale.

Lonegan's Gun Show tickets are now on sale.  Get in line.

Exotic Fish Sale Set

The annual three-day exotic fish sale in the JJ Newberry Store's pet department  is set for this weekend.

"We do this every year over the St. Patrick's Day weekend," says Junior Assistant Fish Specialist Cam Ra.  "We need to make room for the April deliveries."

Ra went on to mention that the Dwarf Puffer, the Black Ghost Knifefish and the Discus are all two for $10.00.

"Saltwater Clownfish and Blue Tang are not on sale though, our margins are so small on those."

Mr. Ra also asked that the kids not to peck the tanks for the two showpieces of his department:  giant goldfish, Big Daddy and Mama Thornton.

"They might be the largest in captivity," said Cam, "although I hear of a very large one in Fresno living in the northside spring."

The sale starts at noon on Friday unless you have the VIP Special Friends Preferred Customer Rewards Coupon, then you can get in at 11.

A Rare Bird

Ohio's foremost ornithologist, Asa Spader, has reported a rare sighting.

Spader says that while out looking for the nest of a red-winged blackbird, he saw a Quetzal! 

"Not only a Quetzel, but a Resplendent Quetzal at that!" he said excitedly.

With the influx of Guatemalans to our workforce, we are also receiving their birds.

"I think it has to do with climate change," Spader concluded.

Local Man Gets #2

"I said it last month, and I'll say it again:  He sure is good at what he does."  

That is how Howie Snellenburger described Bobby "Hondo" Barker at the August award ceremony hosted by Backyard Weeds Digest.

The monthly publication awarded the Best  Plantain certificate to Barker.  Last month he received the Largest Plantain Leaf certificate.

Hondo's submission is titled "...between a rock and a hard place...."

"I said I was going for the triple crown this year," said Hondo, when told of this accomplishment.  He is referring to the final award of  Healthiest Patch. That announcement comes in September.

No one has ever won the triple crown.  Barker has taken two of the 3 categories in each of the last 9 years, excluding the pandemic year when nobody won or did anything.  This makes it 10 in a row.

Snellenburger, the editor and janitor of Backyard Weeds Digest said, "the boy has a real chance to sweep this year. He seems to really understand the plantago major."

Sheriff's Report

Details of an ugly incident at last night's Karoke/LipSync Happy Hour at Kat Balou's are starting to come out.

The every Wednesday festivities were as usual. The off key screaming of "Paradise City", the rap version of "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights", the crying version of "Don't Worry, Be Happy", then it turned ugly.

This is eyewitness Marji Borlan's account: "Well I was just a fixin to take the stage next to perform my usual version of "Feelings" when the Thompson Twins - not the famous ones - got the lyrics to "I am not a fig plucker" mixed up.  Well, I tell ya the more they tried to fix it, the more they messed it up. And the more the messed it up, the more the booing and hissin and I don't know what all, and the next thing you know the manager, Satchel,  was shooin' them off stage.  I think one of the Thompson's tried to throw a punch and Satchel got em both in a half-nelson.  I didn't get to sing either."

Satchel said the Thompson's can't try to sing that song anymore.

There were no charges filed.

2 Minutes = Day Long Festivities

What is billed as the fastest two-minutes in sports, The Kentucky Derby is today.

Folks from all walks of life will throw parties, cookouts, and themed get-togethers to celebrate the run for the roses.

Many have inquired about the recipe for the popular Fresno Shandy.  The most served adult beverage at major sporting event viewing parties, 'The Shandy' mix has been closely guarded for centuries.

Now we are ready to reveal how to make the Fresno Shandy:

Step One:  remove a frosted mug from the freezer,and place 3 ice cubes in the mug.

Step Two:  pop the top off of a Rolling Rock (or favorite malt). 

Step Three:  open a can of Country Tyme lemonade (or favorite brand).

Step Four:  Grab the beer in your right hand.

Step Five:  Grab the lemonade in your left hand.

Step Six:  pour the beverages simultaneously into the mug to obtain a 50/50 mix.

It is advised to make two.

Note:  This is not to be confused with The Zoar Shandy, where the beer is poured from the left hand.

# 1 With a Bullet !

Regional busker sensation Reynoldo Hamilton's latest                        release has reached the top                              of the charts.

Hamilton always draws a crowd for his street performances and one of his most popular songs is now a national favorite.

This current issue of Billboard magazine shows that Reynoldo's "Your mama shouldn't dance, and your daddy stinks at guitar" is top of their Progressive Folk/Americana charts.

And the B-side is doing well too.  Radio stations are also getting requests for his heavy accordian 22 minute version of Bolero. Maurice Ravel has not commented yet.

​Hamilton's best selling 45 rpm record can be found at record stores everywhere, downloaded on your computer, and we are told some phones too.

Local Man Is The Best, Again

"He sure is good at what he does."  

That is how Howie Snellenburger described Bobby "Hondo" Barker at the recent award ceremony hosted by Backyard Weeds Digest.

The monthly publication awarded the Largest Plantain Leaf certificate to Barker.  

"I am going for the triple crown this year," said Hondo, referring to the additional award of Best Plantain and Healthiest Patch. Those awards come in August and September.

No one has ever won the triple crown.  Barker has taken two of the 3 categories in each of the last 9 years, excluding the pandemic year when nobody won or did anything.

Snellenburger, the editor and janitor of Backyard Weeds Digest said, "the boy has a real chance to sweep this year. He seems to really understand the plantago major."

And The Survey Says.....

The Gilligan Institute has released the results from last November's Exit Poll Survey.

If you voted in Crawford Township, you might recall being asked a series of questions as you exited the voting booth.

The Gilligan Institute selected one township in each county of Ohio to conduct the Q & A.

The results have been tabulated and reveal that 88% of Ohioans believe AC/DC's Let There Be Rock should be our national anthem.

The survey also says that the four food groups should be: Pork, cheese, gravy and deep fried; all farmers should not pay any taxes; cholesterol is a myth; big-foot is also a myth created by the tourism industry.

The Gilligan Institute regularly conducts surveys to gauge the beliefs and attitudes of the residents in the Buckeye State. 

Toaster Roadshow

Bob Ramshaw's Travelling Toaster Roadshow is coming to town.  He'll be at the Canal Lewisville Civic Arena all week.  

The Roadshow will have a display of 944 toasters.  Ramshaw will also explain and appraise the value of your toaster, if you bring it crumb-free.

"I just hate it when I turn over a toaster and have crumbs dumped in my lap," said Ramshaw. "So dump it, shake it, and give it the air-compressor cleaning." 

After electricity and refrigeration, it is widely regarded that the invention of the toaster was one of the most important advancements in modern times. 

"Where would we be as a civilization if we didn't have peanut butter and honey on toast?" asked Ramshaw.

Another Dog Show !!

The Otsego Kennel Club has just announced the addition of another show to their busy schedule.

Along with their annual Best in Breed series, they will host for the first time a:
Nothin' But Mutts competition.

Each entrant can not be a pure bred as extra points will be awarded the deformed and stupid canine.

Keep an eye on this space or the back of your cereal box for more information.

Bats and Cats

New York City is still waging war on rats.

Recently Mayor Eric Adams has appointed a 'Rat Czar' to lead the assault.

Kathleen Corradi's solution is "Bats and Cats".

"I want to put a baseball bat in the hands of every teenager and pay them $1 per dead rat submitted in gunny sack." said Corradi.

"Additionaly, I like every farmer east of the Mississippi to send us their unwanted litters of kittens," Corradi concluded.

She believes that an urban pest hunt and hungry cats will mitigate the problem.

Stay tuned, film at 11.

For Sell

Harley Quinn wants everyone to come out to his yard sale on Monday.

He says he has lots of miscellaneous items, wrasslin magazines and bike parts.

Harley also indicated that he will sell his extensive Viewmaster collection, his VHS rewind machine, and a slightly used Rolodex.

"If you don't have it, I might," said Quinn.

Sale starts promptly around 8.

Bring him coffee.

Conspiracy Uncovered!

The Investigative Team at the West Lafayette Times newspaper has uncovered a very disburbing plot.

The I-Team, after months of undercover work, has uncovered efforts by the largest auto repair shop to raise and release deer.

O'Malley's Dents-Dings-Crinkles and Wrinkles Repair Shop is being accused of secretly and purposely increasing the deer population in the greater Fresno region.

Walter O'Malley said:  "It's not me. I wasn't there. You can't prove anything. I am innocent," sounding a lot like Bart Simpson.

It is believed O'Malley has introduced as many as 10,000 deer each year for the past ten years.  Full details are published in this evening's paper.  

Concert For Your Bucket List

The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall has booked one of the most famous musicians of our time.  

On June 9th, you will be able to place a check mark on one of your bucket list items as the world famous Sporty Meyers will perform in concert.

"An Evening With Sporty" will be a three-hour performance with his large variety of mouth harps. 

"Some call them Jews Harp or Jaw Harp or Juice Harp, whatever you want, but I done been playin since uncle Earnie taught me," said Sporty. "I'll be playing the traditionals, the bamboos's, but for the first time I'll break out the Indian Lemellophone. It's a copper morchang!!!" 

Meyers will play for 75 minutes, play his Mouth Harp History video for 45 minutes and finish with the popular 60 minute patriotic/march song medly tribute.

As part of his one time visit to our neighborhood, Sporty will also give a 'starter' mouth harp to all grade school children  and play for 9 minutes in assembly.

Seating for this concert event in Chili, Ohio will be on a first come, first served basis.

Crock Collection to Sell

The Fresno General Store, Deli and What-Not Shoppe has posted flyers that beginning Monday they will have Bernice Brownlee's Crock collection to sell.

"We are just so proud that Bernice has allowed us to sell her crocks," said owner Jim Ed Goosbaum.  

"From time to time, I am able to procure nice collections to sell off,"  Goosbaum continued, "like that vintage baseball glove collection from a few years back. We really sold a lot of bagel sandwiches that week!"

Brownlee has been collecting crocks since she was 14 and received her Polite Ohio Society Cotillian Crock. There are 1,765 crocks in all. 

"It's been fun, but I'm tired of dusting them," said Bernice. "I'll start collecting nickels now." 

Famous Couple to Reconcile

After years of estrangement, Rocky and Bullwinkle have announced that they plan to "try it one more time."

The welcomed announcement comes just before the holidays, and friends and families are pleased.

"I just need to accept the fact that Bullwinkle is not so much a bully as a sharp tongued twit," said Rocky.

"And I need to recognize that Rocky is just an overly sensitive little rodent," said Bullwinkle.

Vegas has the over/under at 2 months.

Transportation Conference

Local governmental officials are convening again today to talk about a proposed high speed railway.

The proposal would connect the villages of Fresno, Chili and Pearl.

Proponents claim that it would solve the shopping, educational and employment needs of the region.

Opponents wonder whose field the tracks will divide.

Details to come as the minutes of the meeting are made available.  

New App Provides Accurate Count

19 year old Luigi Bartaromma has invented a new app for smart phones that provides an accurate count for hip-shakes.

Luigi's app was featured recently in the Roscoe Village Hip Shake Fundraiser as local ladies gathered pledges per hip-shake. 

Most pledges were for 1 cent per shake, but Marla Most convinced her uncle to pledge a dime!  

"I didn't understand," said the famed industrialist Donald Most as he was writing a check for $206,300.

Bartaromma's App really provided for an accurate count on the number of shaken hips resulting in the largest donation yet to the Walhounding Sprained Ankle Institute.

Notice:  Local Uber Driver Vod Katonic says his 1974 Pinto is back from the shop.

You can call him for rides now.

FresnOnion Faces Charges

The editor/publisher/janitor of The Fresnonion will appear before Justice O' the Peace Stanley Shenalark today.

Fresno resident Gleneva Onalake wants The Fresnonion to prove that their stories are NOT true.

Opening arguments start around 10.

The church women will have a lunch stand.

January       January       January       January       January       January       January       January       January

Hole #1 at Carmel Municipal GC

Use These Words Today - Vol. 3

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has announced this month's  list of words for reintroduction to our daily lexicon.

"We just think this new list of words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We've noticed last month's list has registered a nice uptick in usage," she added.

This Month's Words:

1.Bumfuzzle

2.Leastways

3.Glum

4.Avuncular

5.Thwart

And, in a related note, Levengood wishes we would NOT use: 'butcept; warsh; chimbley; and you'ins.

Last Month's Words:
1. Snollygoster
2. Throttlebottom
3. Besotted
4. Vestige
5 Hornswaggle

December's Words:
1. Gaggle
2. Betroth
3. Caper
4. Ruffian
5. Kablooey

Watch this space monthly (the 21st day) for more suggestions of words you should use when calling the talk show, or talking with your obnoxious cousin.

Blizzard Anniversary

Another  Series of 'Sweeney' Mishaps

The Sweeney twins are again part of the Masters Week storyline.

Firstly, Pete and Clete were hired to help serve the meals at The Champions Dinner.  Pete spilled the tortilla soup on Fuzzy Zoeller's lap. There were no injuries.

Next, Clete (who has put on weight) couldn't squeeze in to serve the men who were seated along the side wall.  So all 12 had to get up and move their tables.

And lastly, Pete who was supposed to be playng with Gary Player in the Par 3, caddied instead.  He grabbed a red towel from the cart barn and forgot to take it out of his white jumpsuit.  It got washed with all the others.  So Thursday the caddies jumpsuit, boiler suit, overalls, whatever you call them, will be pink.

"We bleached, but new ones are being overnighted for Friday," said chairman Fred Ridley.

"I ain't wearing pink," said Joe LaCava

​"I hate those guys," said Dean Wormer

It's Derby Week!!!!!!!!!!

    For many, we are horse race fans three times a year:  The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness and Belmont Stakes.

    This Saturday is the running of the 149th Kentucky Derby. (click here for odds)

    And, this Saturday is the 50th Anniversary of Secretariat's Triple Crown Run. (click here for more)

    Here's a little known fact, a decendent of Secretariat: a local horse, He'snobeetlebaum, is this year's first alternate.

    Trained at the famous Hulcher Farm Stables, 'Hesno' has been winning local races for 6 years now and is hoping for a chance.  Odds aren't good.

FresnoFest News

   Along with the Rhubarb Bake Off, The FresnoFest committee has announced that there will be a new competition this September.

   A Roy Clark Sideburn Challenge has been issued to all locals capable of growing facial hair.

   "I've always admired Roy's burns and thought it'd be fun," said committee member Horatio Wyler.  

   "We keep trying to add fun things," added Marlene Geese, Committee Chair. "The knitted socks, quilted undergarment, and heavy goat toss categories will also be kept this year."

   "And we're hoping we get more new and creative rhubarb dishes.  Last year's winner, pan fried rhubarb in bacon grease was scrumptious," said Geese.  

   Attendees can expect the usual: rhubarb crisp, rhubarb pie, rhubarb jelly, rhubarb salad and hand-rolled rhubarb cigars. Rhubarb wine samples will be closely monitored.

More info is on the FresnoFest myfacegram page.

Flattery?  or Rip-Off? 

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness." - Oscar Wilde.

With that being acknowledged, the theme for the July 4th celebration is Tribute.

A Dr. Johnny Fever DJ Tribute show, a Olivia Newton John Tribute, and a Lawrence Welk Tribute Band have all been booked at the Shady Bend Rest Home.

Johnny will be playing his 45 rpm records for the sock-hop on July 3rd from 4:30 to 6.

The Olivia Newton John show will be on the 4th (same hours), with a heart-felt adaptation of the hit: I Honestly Love Metamucil. 

And The Wonnerful,Wonnerful performance will be on July 5th.  Bobby and Sissy might dance. Bobby has gout and Sissy has turned mean.

Close relatives that have no other life are welcome to attend.

Another Theory

Strasburg State Professor Andrew Coffmanov has just published a new theory on Sasquatch.

For decades there have been reports of 'squatch, bigfoot, yeti, abominable snowman what ever the reference, but only brief glimpses.

"I believe that each sighting  for only the slightest of moments is because these creatures posess a 'chameleon like' quality, said Coffmanov.

"If they have the slightest inkling that they might be seen, their mirror hairs turn on and they reflect their surroundings, thusly disappearing," explained Professor Coffmanov.

Coffmanov is the chairman of The Odd and Unexplained Phenemon Department at Strasburg State University.

Coffmanov also noted that most sightings happen at dusk, the 20 minutes just before dark. "That's when most are into their third drink or bowl...."

His cover story comes out in this month's edition of Sasquatch Daily.

Notice:  Local Uber driver, Vod Katonic says don't call him this week.  His 1974 Pinto is broke down. Again.

String Quartet To Perform Tonight

    The Tuscarawas County Stringed Instrument Society is sponsoring tonight's performance of Vine Climbers.

     This world class quartet of accomplished musicians features Molly McQuirk on Zither, Paul Parthon plays the Hurdy-Gurdy, Harold Pinter sits in third chair playing the sitar and Eileen Dexy, the quartet's musical director, plays the Nyckelharpa.

    "We've tried to schedule them for years and years," said Society chairperson Nicky Holmshaken.  "We think all children should be in attendence for the inspiration." 

  Vine Climbersfour sets of 45 minutes each will have an intermission after each set. This gives you plenty of time to leave.

"We sometimes get into jam mode, so if we're not finished by midnight, you should run," offered Dexy.

Famous Watering Hole Sells

An auction selling off the pieces and parts of Cheers  was held recently.

"When you project expenses based on expected income, and your two biggest drinkers don't come anymore, you get our position," said Sam.

But then they show up for the auction.

"I think they were looking for free beer," said Coach.

"You'll have to find someplace else where everyone knows your name," said a said Woody between puffs.

Miscue In The Fescue

We have received word that the      Sweeney's will not be on the                   red-eye coming home from The Open.

The twins work at most every major sporting event.  The most recent in Hoylake volunteering as spotters.

It seems that Clete, who has put on weight, was looking for Ricky Fowler's ball in the high grasses on hole 15.  He stepped on the ball, rolled his ankle and tumbled into one of the deep small bunkers.  Clete face planted into the side of the bunker spraining his neck and breaking the radius in his right arm.  He sprained his left wrist too.

Extraction of the portly Sweeney took 45 minutes using one of the camera booms to lift him out as he was wedged in there pretty tightly.  The players kept on with the tournament.

Brother Pete says "he is quite a sight, what with all the braces, gauze and plaster and all, but we'll be home next week."

This is the third consecutive "incident" with Clete at a major sporting event.

New Show Premiers tonight on Cable Channel 88-FZNO:

Auditors in a Vega doing shots. 

Season 1 Episode 1 8pm

Breaking News!!!

Meteorite and what's left of Bass Shed

For the fourth time in 40 years a meteorite has struck the shed of Harlan T. Bass.

The meteorite landed last night, and the incredulous event has Harlan T unsettled.

"We've lost this shed every ten years and always this way and always in January....." said Bass. "Dad built this shed twice and now me 2 times.  It's like we got some sort of meteor magnet or something." 

Bass was overheard telling neighbors he will rebuild but won't ever 'sleep one off' in that shed again.

See your local bookie if you had a bet down. And, check ebay for the sale of the meteorite.  Harlan T said the last one fetched $5,843.00

​News You Probably Shouldn't Believe

IT'S BELMONT WEEK !

   Pete and Clete Sweeney head out to Elmont, New York this morning for the 155th Belmont Racing Festival.

   They will be consulting with the New York Race Commission this week.

   One or the other brother has correctly picked the winner for the past 16 years. The Commission put them on an advisory board to keep an eye on them.

   "It's nothing to get all worked up about," said Clete, "we just visit with the horses and get their vibe."

   "It's all Clete," said Pete. "He whispers to them, all I do is clean our boots."

   More on what horses are still alive and entered later this week.

Families Reunion

The Families of Pilot Mountain will hold their annual Mt. Pilot Family Reunion on February 1st. 

As always, beverages will be provided but bring a covered dish. 

Pilot Knob Country Club will again host the "Reunion Open Championship." This tournament is widely regarded as the fifth major.  2022 Champion Marvin "Stretch" Plimpton (pictured) will return to defend his title.

Speaker to Lecture

Former third grade teacher Lucille Mayer will be the guest speaker tomorrow night at Strasburg State.

Mayer's lecture topic will be: Idiom or Proverb? Knowing the difference and when to use.

Mayer's appearance is made possible because of a grant from the Billy Carter Foundation.

The evening kicks off with a performance of a full 33 minute version of sprach Zarathustra by the Ragersville Elementary Band.

Tickets are 'no charge' - a proverbial freebie.

CornCon Starts Tomorrow

​

Spring planting is coming soon and so is the 2023 Corn Conference.  CornCon is one of the most popular gatherings in the grain farming universe.

"The mild February has allowed so many to plow early, so they can break free and attend this years CornCon," said Executive President, CEO and Secretary-Treasurer Harlan Hicks.

The Oak Grove Grange will be the host this year and the 'Big 4' in seed companies will be there.  BASF, Bayer, Syngenta and Corteva will all have a booth, host evening parties and provide door prizes.

"This year's big prize will be a weekend at The Tie-Died Lotus Resort in Baltic," said Hicks. "Took the missus there in January, it's ok."

CornCon runs Thursday through Saturday.  Spillover parking will be at the fairgrounds with a shuttle running on the half-hour. 

"A nice extra this year,                                         Miss DeKalb  Julie Husk, will                                   be available on Friday for selfies,"            concluded Hicks.

News From Augusta

Some scribbles from my notebook:

* Saw Pete Sweeney helping a nice young lady carry here large folding chair out to #12.  Turns out it was a chaise lounge and she was escourted off the grounds. There are rules.

* Saw Pete's twin brother Clete advising Rory McIlroy to hit a cut shot out of the trees at #17. Rory said "thanks".

* Saw the Sweeneys signing autographs and taking selfies with fans and caddies outside of the locker room. 

* Clete's video of him helping Paige Spiranac putt at Wednesday night's Paige's Par Tee already has 3.4 million views.

* Saw Chairman Fred Ridley walking the Sweeneys to his "Augusta Green" Oldsmobile Delta 88.  Ridley's driver was taking the boys to the airport.

Thanks for reading The  FresnOnion

Local Band Gets Big Break

For years the group of local musicians that call themselves Parallel Corners have played every festival, night spot, fundraiser, homecoming, county fair, bake sale, in fact everything that ended in 'fest' or 'days' hoping to be discovered.

Well their big break has finally come.  

"Yeah, we got an invite to play on Midnight Special," said PC  lead singer Press Hayes IV.

Hayes continued,"I understand that a cousin of Pearl's heard us at SquatchFest  last summer. She told her boss who's the sister of the driver for the producer and next thing you know we're playing on national tv!" 

The show is on every Friday at 1am on NBC.

This weeks lineup includes Parallel Corners leading off, then Aerosmith, Legs Diamond, Mike Adamkosky, and Gene Poole & the Evolution.  

A warm-up/send off party will be held Thursday at Bando's.

March       March       March       March       March      March       March       March      March       March       March      March      March       March

More Words to Use

It's the 21st day of the month. 

With that, Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has released this month's list of words to start using again. 

1. Discursive

2. Amble

3. Fortuitous

4. Pinch

5. Simulacrum

Club President Wilomena Levengood says, "This list is a nice represention of suggestions we get all the time."

She's OK

It's Masters Week and already some excitement in the neighborhood.

Augusta police made a well-being check at the Roberts Cottage which sits at #2 Tee Box.  

The cottage was rented for the week to Mary Jo Kazinsky, the girlfriend of Sandy Lyle's caddie, Bobby Shorman.

"I couldn't get in and couldn't raise her on the cell, so I called the authorities," said Shorman.

Police obtained the key from current Chairman Fred Ridley, and found Ms. Kazinsky alive and well.

According to the policeman report: The occupant fell asleep in the recliner with a slanket wrapped around her.  While sleeping, she tossed and turned the slanket into a kind of straightjacket rendering her motionless.

​Shorman said that while the whole ordeal was emotional, he will still carry Lyle's bag. Tee time is 8:24 Thursday.

Pike Township Residents Now Wealthiest

The discovery of Painite  (CaZrAl9O15(BO3)) in Pike Township has created the world's richest rural residents.  Painite is one, if not the rarest of all minerals, and was discovered in November.  

The result of such a discovery  created a land grab, and all property or mineral rights have been obtained.  The struggling Marshall Jacobs Mining Company is now the exclusive Painite miner.

Until now, Moguk in the Myanmar region of Burma, was the only place Painite had been found.

The new-found wealth for the local residents has been bittersweet according to Harry Ramos. 

"I can pay off the ninety credit cards the wife has, but never knew I had so many cousins," said Ramos

Fourteen bank branches, 9 jewelry stores, and 2 hotels have located in the southwest corner of  Coshocton County. 

All 638 residents of Pike Township are now at the top of Forbes Richest in America List.

Prisoner Missing

Chewey Stargill, the South Bedford Prison Warden, has put out an all-points-bulletin.  

"All area residents should be on the lookout for a height challenged adult.  This little person has red hair, a red scruffy beard and pretends to be a fortune-teller," said Stargill. "In fact that is why he was in jail. He was bilking the locals out of their hard earned money, by pretending to tell them lottery numbers, if their lovers were faithful, if their 45 year old daughters would ever marry, that kind of stuff."

When asked to summarize the situation, Stargill responded, "Well what we got here is a small medium at large."

Hair Stylist Added

Hot off of the heels of last week's highly successful Hair Fashion Week  in Zanesville, local beauty shop owner Faye Zimmer has added another specialist to her stable.

Mare Whinneyham has joined Zimmer's Beauty & Edibles Shop.  Whinneyham's expertise is in the 'beehive' hair-do.

"I don't know where this sudden interest in the beehive has come from, but everyone seems to want one now," said Zimmer.  "That's why I went out and recruited Mare, she's the best."

The addition of Whinneyham fills all 10 chairs at Zimmers Shop.  She says appointments are a must, but walk-ins are welcome for the edibles.

Those who attended Hair Fashion Week think Lizzo is the influencer.  

Zimmer said not to confuse the beehive with the boufant.

A Lost Art Relearned

Writing and charting with a quill is now being taught at The Hershberger College of Antiquities at Strasburg State University.

"We are very lucky to have Dr. Maureen Dowdness now on staff," said VP of Human Resources Harold Pinter.

Students will learn the art of dipping a quill pen into an ink well.  They will submit essays not only for content but for penmanship.

"Legible writing is a must in today's polite society," said Dowdness.

The study of maps: Cartography for the next century is also part of the curriculum. 

​Strasburg State is  paying $2 per buzzard feather.

How Did He Know?!?

Famed outlaw country singer-songwriter Rusty Weir wrote a song in 1976 that is proving him to be very omniscient.

His song: Coast of Colorado makes reference to the coast "....when California's gone....".  

If you've seen the news lately, we might be back to 49 states real soon.....tie up the boat in Idaho.

Lesson Learned

After yesterday's release of words to reintroduce into your daily discourse, young Elvis Hanratty stepped up and delivered.

At the beginning of the Bible School session Elvis looked at his teacher and said: "the little didapper caused quite the kerfuffle, so henceforth when he wants to go to the loo we'll treat him like he's a nillionaire."

"That was so impressive I think all the children will now be Elvis impersonators," said teacher Amy Setzer.

Strasburg State Adds To Curriculum

The options for college courses and accredited degrees at Strasburg State University have just increased.

SSU President, E. Willie McGee, made the announcement over the weekend.

Incoming freshmen will now be offered Memes 101, Intermediate TikTok studies, Intro to being a Porter, and Interactive Equestrian.

The accredited degree options for the upperclassmen and continuing education needs include Advanced Emoji development, Enhanced Dating App Coding and Food Service Gold Certificates for Sommelier, Barista, Patissier and Garcon.

"Everything is in place for the spring term that starts when the students return from their break," said McGee. "More information can be obtained from Emily Nakahoma our Vice President in charge of registration and student loans." 

Tryouts Announced

     The White Eyes Township Over 70 Curling Club will hold tryouts this Sunday at Burkey's Rink.  

     After the tryouts, there will be a covered dish luncheon followed by a nap.

"I Did Not Know!"

NBA Player cited for derogatory remark

Udonis Haslem is in hot water after using a slur that has gypsies around the globe up in arms.

Haslem says he was "gypped" in a cryptocurrency fraud scheme.  And that has the Gypsy Anti-Defamation Association calling for an apology.

Hieronymus Spiegelthorpe, King of the Ohio Romani Gypsy, says the word Halem used associates us with cheaters, tramps and thieves. "We would like to stop that, and ask that he get some sensitivity training." 

When asked for a comment, Udonis said, " I am out a lot of money. I did not know the gypsies were so sensitive about the word I used to describe the crime against me."  

Cher has not responded to requests for a comment.

More Rat News

Insider recently issued a report about the rat population in the Everglades being on the rise.

Seems the prolific  python propagation is the reason.  The Burmese python is eating that which eats the cotton rats.

Huey Longstreth, Director of The Everglades Visitor and Convention Bureau says tourism is down.

"Yea nobody wants to come where they are outnumbered by rats and snakes," Longstreth confirmed.

Governor DeSantis has started to put the snakes on buses bound for northern states.

​Cable network Animal Planet is wondering if there is a reality series here.  

Oldfield To Direct

It's official.  Mike Oldfield will be the guest director of the Fresno elementary band's Spring Recital.

Local music teacher, Reeney Sweeney, says because her band has nine tuba's and 15 third graders playing bells, she's chosen 'Tubalar Bells' as this year's theme.

The Oldfield classic has been practiced for a month now with many parts being rewritten to feature the tuba section.

When contacted for a comment Oldfield said, "Why not? I am always up for new experiences.  And the $750 thou appearance money helps."

The recital is scheduled for May 4th, 7:30 pm.

Celebrated Chef to Open New Venue Here

World renowned Chef Javier Centavo has announced that he will open his popular franchise Sliders and Binders here.

"I've always loved this part of the state and want to bring my grilled cheese and gravy menu to the locals," Javi said.

Sliders and Binders idea was created back in the 90's while Centavo apprenticed under the award winning Chef Milton at the Crowtown Inn.

Local resident Ezra Hoomlaut said, "he's got two of the 4 food groups covered right there, I tell ya." 

Look for grand opening signs soon.

New Business Service

Everything old is new again, it seems.

Sharleen and Marv Griffen have announced their newest business venture.

"We'll beat your rug," says Sharleen.

The age old practice of taking your rug outside, hanging it over the clothesline and beating the dirt out will now be done by the Griffens.

"Marv came home from an auction with a collection of rug beaters and I just thought it would be a good way for him to make some money," offered Sharleen.

The Griffens claim they are already booked out until May, so contact them now. 

"If we get more requests for early spring cleaning we just might put the boy Elroy to work. He spends too much time on that Playstation thing," said Marv referring to their 38 year old son. 

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

Seitzenheimer Temporary Services has some job openings.  Some are for a month and some are entry level opportunities.

-Countywide Sire Services has a job for a tailholder. 

-Dude Utley is looking for someone to ride shotgun in his milk truck.  Duties include gate opening, hose hookup, and end of the day sanitize and rinse.

-Enrico Furbay would like to hire two part-timers for his dogwalking services.

-And, there are openings for home sales representatives of Shaklee, Avon, Amway, Kirby Sweepers, World Book Encyclopedias, Watkins, Stanley, Fuller Brush and Pier 1 Imports.

-Rollie Moore of Moore's Doors is looking for the right self starting individual for a door to door door salesperson.  See Mollie Moore, Rollie's mom for an application.

Daye Quints Birthday

    The quintuplets born to  Al and Sunny Daye 4 years ago will celebrate their fourth birthday this Friday.

    The 'Daye Quints' began life a little slow as they were all premature and weighed only 5 lbs at birth, but all are normal height and weight now.

    The four girls: Breezy, Windy, Gale and Stormy say they are ready for pre-school this fall.  Their brother Gusty  is so intellectualy advanced that he will start 5th grade in summer school.

    The Daye family live on the family farm in Mowrey Holler.

Enough !

The entire  second floor population at Lincoln Elementary has "unfriended" Joey MacMillan, six grader.

"The fourth and 5th grade classes got together at noon recess and decided enough was enough," said organizer Shelly Berkman.  "We've had it up to here with his sharp tongue, his unkind wit and his smarmy glares.  We unfriended him on facebook, deleted his instagram, pinterest, snapchat and twitter."

When asked to respond Joey said, "My mom has already grounded me, and I have to tell dad."

"we'll see how he likes not being LinkedIn said Mrs MacMillan, mother and first grade teacher.

Bach Farms Expand

Local meat producer and retailer Bach Farms is announcing an expansion.

For years now Barbara and Sebastion Bach have raised beef and pork.  Their branded line of Bachsteak, Bachon, Bachchops, Ground Bach and Bachroast is popular in the region. 

"Now Barb wants to feature her baked goods," said Sebastion.

"Yes, I will now feature in our store what the family has enjoyed for years," said Mrs. Bach.

Among the huge variety will be Bachleva, Bachloaf, Bachcake, and Bachpies.

All of this plus their son Johann's line of clothing and accessories including the Bachpack, Bachhat, Bachscratchers  and Bachshirts.

All listings and order forms can be found at: www.bachfarms.moo

Their complex is located in Stringtown near the roundabout.

Finally Decoded!

The last piece of paper in the vast collection of Napoleon Bonapart's trove of files has finally been translated.

For years many codebreakers and cryptoanalysts have poured over a small piece of paper found in Bonaparte's famous double breasted red velvet blazer.

It seems it was a to-do list prepared by his second wife Mary Louise, The Duchess of Parma, his drop-dead gorgeous trophy wife. She had her own form of shorthand.

The list had seven tasks for Napoleon:

1.Get the croquet mallets regripped

2. Get the dogs to the groomer

3. Get the dry cleaning

4. Get some toilet paper

5. Get a new nanny

6. Encourage the boys to move out

7. Talk to the gardner about his window peeping.

"So disappointing," said Imogene Hixon, Curator of the Ajaccio Museum. "We thought it might be of some historical value, but it turns out he had daily chores too."

First Citation Issued

   Local farmer Charles Robert (ChuckieBob) Hulcher is the first to be cited for distracted driving under Ohio's new law.

   Hulcher was on his 1947 Case out on SR 643 when he was pulled over and ticketed for looking at his cellular phone.

   "I was just checking the weather radar to see when the storm was going to hit," said an exasperated ChuckieBob.  

   Patrolman Willie Cantlay, said: "He wasn't even watching the road.  I had to cite him, I could see a truck at least a half mile down the highway."

   Hulcher said he will pay the $150 fine as he does not have the time to go to the distracted driving saftey classes.

   Senate Bill 288, sponsored by Senator Nathan Manning (R-North Ridgeville), designates the use of cell phones and other electronic communications devices while driving as a primary traffic offense for all drivers and allows law enforcement to immediately pull over a distracted driver upon witnessing a violation.

   "Being stopped while the officer wrote the ticket sure put me behind.  I finished spreading the manure in a pouring rain and that wasn't any fun," concluded ChuckieBob.

The World Oddities Expo is in Cleveland today.

Local oddity Carlton Caton is attending.

"I was again invited to take pictures with attendees," said Caton.

Children stare.

Perfect! 

The conditions were "perfect, just perfect" said one participant at this morning's annual Fresno Polar Plunge.  

White Eyes Beach was the site of the yearly dip into the chilly waters of the Mighty White Eyes Creek.  

"The polar vortex gave us the coldest air temperature in quite a few years," said long time plunger Gideon Seever.

The event was populated by young and old alike and is held on the first Saturday of February each year.

"Invigorating", "healthy", and "dang stupid" were some of the many quotes of those running for the warm towels handed out by those who don't plunge. 

Jimmy Fallon, a late night talk show host, was this year's Celebrity Plunger.

RACKING UP THE FREQUENT FLYER MILES

What has been a busy time for the Sweeney brothers is only getting busier.

Pete and Clete Sweeney were in Seattle for the Cleveland Indians (oops Guardians) season opener.  Then on to Texas for the NCAA men's and women's final four games.  

They were in Dallas Friday and Sunday for the women and Houston on Saturday for the men's semifinal games. 

After tonight's men's final, they will fly to Augusta for Master's Week   and take Tuesday to just walk the course for the practice round.  They usually just pull the flagsticks and grant interviews.

The Sweeneys always play in the par 3 on Wednesday afternoon. Pete will play with Gary Player and Clete with Tom Watson.

"Our real highlight of the week will be Wednesday night.  We've been asked to putt at Paige's Par Tee," said Pete.  "If you know who Paige Spiranic is, then you know why," quipped a grinning Clete.

After the first round on Thursday, Pete and Clete will fly to Cleveland for the Indians (oops, Guardians) home opener.  They will fly back to Augusta for the final two rounds on Saturday and Sunday.

"We sure are looking forward to 2027. That is when the Women's final four will be in  Columbus, OH at Nationwide Arena on April 2 & 4," said Pete sounding like a promoter.  

"Hope we're still able," said Clete sounding like a realist.

Today is the first day of Summer! We are halfway to Winter......

10th Avenue Freeze-out

There has been a tonic water spill at the Kimbolton Fractional Distillation Plant.  

Mitzy Spitzer, VP of Community Relations, says that all of 10th Avenue, the plant's long drive into the parking lot, as well as their parking lot will be closed for the day.

"This poses no environmental hazard whatsoever, it will thaw and evaporate by 3pm. But, just don't drive in the area," she said.  "Our maintenance man, Jorge Gonder, who is first here in the mornings, has been spinning for 3 hours now in the parking lot." 

When contacted by cell phone,  Gonder would only say he shouldn't have had a big breakfast.

Tonight! Tonight! Tonight......

......and it has nothing to do with West Side Story, The Smashing Pumpkins or Genesis.

Tonight is finally here.  The Friends of The Grange have planned an impromptu Midnight Ramble at The Millers Dip Grange Hall.

The local cover band, Stagnant Perpetualism, will provide the entertainment.  The boys are known for their rousing, almost R-rated, version of Hokey Pokey.

The music starts at 6 pm.

The evening will conclude with all leftovers being dished out (bring your own tupperware) at 9.  That allows everyone to get home in time for the Ed Wood film festival on Cable channel 88.

Pastry Thievery

    All in a day's work. Or, in this case a half-day's work.

    The popular Fresno Bakery reported that their entire batch of morning bagels was stolen this morning.

    "We had the entire rack cooling by the back door. I was cleaning and noticed they were gone!" said head baker Quincy Richard.

    Constable Rollie F. Trupe was summoned and he immediately radioed patrolman Willie Cantlay.  Cantlay checked both supermarkets in the immediate vicinity and discovered that there was in fact a large purchase of cream cheese.  The juveniles were apprehended about 10 a.m. and names withheld until next of kin were notified. 

Bureau to Disband

The Fresno Visitor and Convention Bureau has decided to close their doors.

" With no space suitable to hold conventions, and no hotels here, we have just been a complete and miserable failure," said chairman Pete Sweeney.

Gloria Swanson, committee member, added: " I was so worried we'd get a Shriners Convention. But, Fresno will just remain a beautiful, quiet place to raise a family or live in retirement."

Those with ideas on how the Bureau can disperse their $33 treasury can see Pete.

Memphis Group to Appear Locally

It has just been announced that the award winning Constant Morph will perform for one night only at Stone's Grill.

The blues rockers from Memphis are in the middle of a rare tour north of the Mason-Dixon line.

"We're hitting Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana before going home," said harmonica player Turk Mickelson.

"Our new cd is out and we've had a number of invites to come north," drawled the group's lead singer and main calling card, Bonnie Slate.  The 6' 10" redhead also plays a custom built left-handed Melhart Marimba.

Mick Turkelson is the lead guitar player and noted that they would pick up a drummer from town. Their regular drummer has taken to his bed with a head cold and hives.

The once in a liftime event will be Thursday 10 pm.  All tables and chairs will be removed so more fans can get in to see Constant Morph. 

CD's, shirts, caps and other merchandise will be available at Mary and Harold'sdiner, home of the famous blue-plate special: Goulash stew, garlic bread, salad and pie for just $3.00.  

Superstar Lineup Set For Fundraiser

A benefit concert for the benefit of the Von Hindenberg family is slated for June 2nd.

Shady Grove Amphitheater will be the site for this event designed to raise money for the Hindenberg Balloon Company and their employees. 

"The balloon business has taken a dive recently and we just wanted to help," said concert organizer Randi Smeldergas.

The megastars already inked to perform include Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, Paper Lace, Tony Orlando & Dawn, Morris Albert, Captain and Tennille, Rupert Holmes, Taco, Debbie Boone, Terry Jacks, Mary McGreggor, Maureen McGovern, David Geddes, Gary Nunn, and Tony Basil. Randi says she thinks Andrew Ridgley will be able to clear his schedule too.

"Morley Von Hindenberg has been a community leader and major employer for decades now, and I'd like to thank the owners of Shady Grove Amphitheater for helping us," Smeldergas concluded.

Tickets go on sale June 1st.

Fresno Chosen for New Race Track

     Dale Earnhardt, Jr. has chosen the vacant lot behind the Methodist Church for his new racing venture.

     "The turns will be tight but we                      think we can get max speed on                            the straight-a-ways up to 22 or 23 miles per hour!," said the excited Earnhardt.

     "This new track will also allow me to introduce new racing categories.  The first will be horseless, motorized Amish buggies," he offered. "Also been thinking about using snow mobile motors in those Shriner cars you see in parades - that'll be a hoot."

     Construction on The Fresno Speedway begins in 2025. The site was chosen over 18 other locations throughout the US. 

More Words...

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has announced this months list of 5 words for reintroduction to our daily vocabulary.

"We just think some words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We think this list is exceptional," she added.

"But, be sure to use them in the correct context! Nothing makes me angrier than the talk show lady using the wrong word!" she snarled.

This Month's Words:

Didapper

Kerfuffle

Henceforth

Loo

Nillionaire

Prehistoric Egg Unearthed!!!

​​Wally Kinnan has confirmed that the World Dinosaur Guild agrees he did in fact find the egg of a Pterosaur.

"I found it last summer while hoeing a row of beans,"  said Kinnan.  "I just stuck it in my pocket, but later thought it was awfully close to an egg, so I just asked the experts to weigh in."

W.D.G. Chairman, Sir Geoffrey Cornishnek, on the remarkable find: "We are astonished at this speciman and would love to add it to our collection here at Warwick University. But, alas, Mr. Kinnan desires to keep it on the kitchen counter."

The Pterosaur is a distant cousin of the dinosaur and became extinct at the same time.

"Many use the term 'Pterodactyl' when talking about these flying guys, but that's just wrong.  The proper term is 'Pterosaur'", concluded Cornishnek. "We just want everyone to be informed and not sound ignorant when on topic."

Tunnel Hill Hardware

Occassional Sales Flyer

Spring Cleaning Edition

Unisex Crescent Wrenches. was $49.99 now $47.99 !

Ball Peen Hammers - The lightest made - was $49.99 now $47.99 !

Wax Coated String - All colors $.05 per arm lentgh some exceptions apply (specifically Stretch Lindenmuth and others like him) sale price does not apply to black, brown, or white.

High-Speed Wobble Washers. was $49.99 now $47.99 ! (calibration alter kits extra)

Skyhooks - All lenths - was $49.99 now $47.99 !

Non GMO Safety Helmet felt-lined winter liners with velcro straps. was 447.99 now 447.89 ! 

Chinese Checkers Boards(made in America) was $49.99 now $47.99 !

Kids get a free pony with every purchase.  

Sale by order of the Owners wife.

​Cash Only !  (owners wife's orders).

Beer and Brats for rewards members. (bring your own condiments)

No Coupons will be honored during this sale. (again, the wife)

Not responsible for anything that happens in the parking lot.

A Lecture

Elijah Hupp will deliver a stern lecture on proper shovel selection next Monday.  His lecture is part of the "Living in America" series at the Fresno Opera House.  

When asked about the need for such discourse, Hupp said: "You just can't take a coal shovel into the garden with tomato planting on your mind!" 

Hupp will have examples of the many types of shovels each American should own, and when to use that shovel.

"The time saved, the injuries avoided, and the mental health restored is priceless," Hupp concluded.

He blames Hollywood.

It's Preakness Week!

This Saturday will be the 147th running of The Preakness Stakes.

Mage is an early favorite after winning the Derby.

Pete and Clete Sweeney have headed to Baltimore to attend the race at Pimlico. They are staying with a second cousin.

"We go every year.  Don't go to the Derby after the paparazzi snapped that picture of Pete wearing a ladies hat on a dare," said Clete. "too many mint julips at the brown hotel." 

"Yea, we tried to get the Derby officials to stop publication, but they laughed at me," said Pete.  "So we put them on our boycott list."

The Sweeneys did get two tickets to the infieldfest and Pete will audition to sing "Maryland, My Maryland."  He was chosen out of the thousands that sent Vhs homemade audition tapes.

stay tuned for that news. the american idol type selection show is thursday night.

Fresno PTO Club to Host Special Speaker

    The January "Special Friends" day will feature world reknowned explorer Hatsy Halderman.

    Halderman will speak to the students during the assembly after lunch.

    His topic will be: The Spiders, Snakes, and Salamanders of the Antarctic.

    Hatsy has also informed the PTO that his appearance will be filmed for PBS. "I told them that so the teachers can dress appropriately. Nothing looks worse than cargo shorts and crocs," he said.

Next Month:  Monica Lewis will tell about the Spitoons of Saskatoon.

Wasn't  That  A  Party?

​The Annual Kentucky Derby Gala was again hosted by Mrs. Mitzy Gaynor-Sweeney at The Sweeney Manor yesterday.

Mitzy, the stepmother of Pete, Clete & Reeney Sweeney, has been entertaining locals since she married the late Pete Sr.

Hats were abundant as was the attendance of local celebrities - no names please - conservatively estimated at over 1,000.

Clete won the pool with Mage, and proceeded to provide free shandys for everyone.

Reeney sang a re-written version of "My Ole Kentucky Home" that was moved to Ohio.

Mitzy sat in the world's largest lawn chair and received guests.

Pete checked the firearms at the gate.

Conrad Hilton, Northern California

Frogger Championships

    The Pleasant Valley Civic Hall will look like an arcade this week as the Frogger International Championships take place.

    Qualifiers from all over the globe are in town to chase the Akira Cup, named after the inventor Akira Hashimoto. 

    There are five categories:  The original Sega, Atari, Nintendo, Gameboy, and Playstation.  The winners from each platform will then square off on the Arcade Game.  This year's vintage arcade game is on loan from The Johnson Humrickhouse Museum.

    Last year's champion Boris Sisterly is unable to defend his title this year.  He is grounded because he got all D's on his most recent report card.

    "It's too bad for Boris as he was the odds on favourite to repeat," said Frogger International Chairman Sparky Firman. "He's the best of his generation."

Find Your Match

A new dating app has been designed for the socially awkward.

Bumblr is a social networking, dating and photo posting application that can be downloaded on any device.

"I created Bumblr for the shy and tongue-tied individual that has trouble in a one on one setting," said Shania Twixt.

"We'vr already had one wedding, and 4 second dates because of Bumblr," Twixt exclaimed.

"I always wanted to ask her about her bike," said the groom Bobby Gurley. "So I messaged her on Bumblr." 

"He was such a smooth texter," said the blushing bride, Shirley.

The first annual Bumblr Mixer is in the works, tentatively scheduled for September. 

Super Bowl Saturday

The traditional flag football contest held every year on the Saturday before the Super Bowl, will be this afternoon at 3 pm.

Brats, Beans and Beverages will be provided by the ladies auxiliary of the FFF (Founding Fathers of Fresno).

Teams will be chosen at 2:30, Kick-off is 3pm, food will be ready at halftime.

Smith Ambulance will again be in attendance.

The ladies auxiliary hold many fundraisers throughout the year to enable them to provide for the FFF expenses.

Their next fundraiser is March 1st.  The BATHE A HOMELESS MAN is one of their most popular events.  Last year they raised $1235.  New members and wash rags are always welcome.

Announcement: The Oxford Township Glee Club will depart Saturday morning for an overnight "team building" trip.

They will depart from the Fresno Gun Club at 4:30 am and stay in the luxurious Obetz Arms in downtown Obetz.

While there, the members will not only work on their trust issues, but try to learn all of the words to Bohemian Rhapsody.

Tester Re-discovered

     A Fresno man recently came across the rare Elmandorf Tearing Tester that was originally discovered in a crawl space under a home on Weyant Ave in Columbus, Ohio.

     The owner said the value has been established by experts at nearly eleven US Dollars!  "It's nice to know that if times get tough, we could sell it."

M.A.P.S. Takes Issue

The local chapter of Mothers Against Profiling Signs has taken issue with local government again.

This time for labeling children in the neighborhood as "slow."

M.A.P.S. Chapter President Alberta Castiglia says, "those Slow Children Playing signs are misleading and hurtful.  Why I know of one neighborhood where there are three kids who grade above average!"

M.A.P.S. recently took a                        local diner to task about                     their family section sign.                     "Not all one-armed mothers              have a devil child," said Alberta.

Pier #2 Unsafe!!!!!!!

Shocking news came from Piermaster Skeet Sweeney Friday afternoon.

"We're gonna close Pier #2 immediately. The Pier Review Board conducted a safety inspection and have ordered us to renovate sooner rather than later," said Sweeney.

Pier #2 is located at the mouth of the Mighty White Eyes Creek at the Tuscarawas River.

"I've been around this pier since I was a kid.  I got my job when dad, Pete, retired. I've never thought the pier was unsafe.  I'm so sorry," the saddened Sweeney revealed.

All airboats, houseboats, ski boats, pleasure yachts, john boats, bass boats, dinghies, cabin cruisers, trawlers, pontoons, sailboats, catamarans, schooners, barges, bowriders and tugs must be moved by March 1st.

The Marshall Jacobs Construction Company has got the emergency repair job. Estimated completion date: 2023-2026.

B & E Reported

Constable Rollie F. Trupe is investigating a breaking and entering at Clete Sweeney's place out on Forrest Hill Lake Road.

Clete, the twin of Pete, said yesterday between ten a.m. and 3 p.m someone broke in and took his vintage metronome.  

"I think it was someone who knew my routine, because I go everyday into town to play cribbage at the club. We play 10:30 to 2.  Then I dine out at Hardees and come home.  I'm always here by three cause the dogs need fed."

Trupe said he is on the case. "I done sent out a communique to all pawn shops. I'll listen to trading post on Monday, we'll find it for Clete.  I know it's been in the family since he bought it."

Here's a Story........

.......Of a lovely lady, who was raising three pups on her own.  All of them had hair of gold like their mother.

And it's a story of a man named Joey who was busy with 3 mutts of his own.

Then one day this lady met this fella and they became the Brzezinski Bunch.

Thanks for reading The  FresnOnion

Mobile Dog Groomer Back!

Gary Goyos has taken over his cousin's mobile dog grooming business.

The Pawsitively Pawfect Groomer has been down since the pandemic.  Goyos has repaired the custom built Mercedes Benz van and will begin services immediately.

"If those on Cousin Brucie's route want me to start stopping again, just let me know," said Goyos.

Gary went on to say that he'll now include little dogs as clients.  "I know Brucie didn't like dealing with the small canine or their owners, but I will."

Goyos can be contacted on his MYSPACEPAGE as well.

Business News

​Local Company lands government contract

The Sugarcreek Eraser Company has just been awarded a contract to supply their new eraser to all United States government agencies.

"That new invention by my youngest daughter will save this company," declared owner and CEO Reynaldo Shetler. "We've been struggling against foreign imports."

Melania Shetler has perfected the pencil-tip eraser.  This new eraser does not wear down as fast. "I've increased the lifespan of the simple eraser by four times," said the youngest Shetler daughter.

The Sugarcreek Eraser Company will add one hundred and ninety jobs, bringing the total number of employees to 690.

"And, for some reason, the private golf courses now want our eraser on their pencils," added the elder Shetler. "I guess those country clubbers do a lot of erasing!"

Wants to Settle His Debt

     A retired traveling Kirby Salesman recently returned to Fresno to make good on his IOU.

     Leo DaRoacher was in town recently to repay Glenn Zimmerman for his kindness a few years ago.

     "I was running out of gas on my way to Brewster.  I was plum broke and Mr. Zimmerman was kind enough to front me 5 gallons of gasoline," said DaRoacher. "It was thirty one cents per gallon and I have $1.55 here, in my hand,see."

     "I was surprised the General Store and Sinclair pump weren't here."  Leo continued with a plea for anyone with information to contact him at the Park Hotel.

Science News 

CNN recently reported that the Earth's inner core is slowing down and might even go into reverse! 

Read it  here:  https://www.cnn.com/2023/01/25/world/earth-core-turning-scli-scn-intl/index.html

But the real alarm is what it will do to the business climate says local economist Virgil Geese from his offices in Cabin Creek. 

"If the earth's core stops then we might not age and the cosmetic industry, the pain relief companies, the clothing manufacturers will all go out of business!" proclaimed Geese.

Virgil continued sounding the alarm: " and if it goes into reverse those experts say the cycle will take us back to the early '70s and we'll start over again.  The 70s, that would be cool, but who wants to live the '80s again....?  the music, the hair, the fashion, betamax......."

Duna Wins The 'Zach'!

Local cable channel 88-FZNO morning show host Duna Morrissey has just won the coveted 'Zach' Award.

The 'Zach' is named after the revered and admired Zach Galifianakis of Between Two Ferns fame. 

"Duna Morrissey, like myself, is respected for her hard hitting, insightful and intriguing interview technique," said Galifianakis. "I created this award just for people like us...you know, esteemed people."

"This might be in the top 25 of my career highlights," said Morrissey. "Getting The 'Zach' is one of the things I've looked forward to."

The Zach Awards Banquet and Red Shag Carpet walk-up will be aired next Wednesday on The Peacock streaming service that has 113 subscribers.

When asked what she'll wear, Duna said: "Oh, I will wear something."  She will be escorted by her great grandmother, Dorothy Fuldheim.

Use These Words Today

    It's that time of month again.....a day late because half the club was on spring break.
    The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has announced they will submit a list of words each month for reintroduction to our daily vocabulary.
    "We just think some words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We think now is the time to go public," she added.
    "But, be sure to use them in the correct context! Nothing makes me madder than hearing a sports guy misuse the word 'matriculate'," she snarled.

This Month's Words:

Whilst

Sally

Whimsey

Putsch

Gumption

Local's Big Feet Gets Shod

Barry Axterman has always had big feet.  

"Even when he was born, the nurses all gathered round.  They gazed in wild wonder, cause his feet were so big," said his mother Connie Axterman.

Now that Barry is sixteen, his size 22 needs are rarely met.  But, Shaquille O'Neal has quietly started sending his extras.  

"We read about him helping Eric Kilburn in Michigan with his size 23's.  So Barry texted Shaq.  And next day 4 pair were delivered!" according to Connie.

While the Axtermans are grateful, Barry still needs socks.

Best Roadside Diner 

Some guy on some website somewhere said the Buckeye Express Diner located at 810 OH-97 in Bellville, is the best in our state.

"This family-owned diner, inside a vintage steam engine diner car, is known for home-cooked classics and hearty burgers. People love the novelty of dining onboard, with the skinny interior displaying Ohio State Buckeyes football posters and memorabilia," according to LoveFood.

Their 4.5 stars on Google is nowhere close to Schlarbs in Baltic.  

A recent review about Schlarbs said, "how can you beat a limburger cheese with onion and mustard on lightly toasted bread and an ice cold Stroh's after work before going home and kissing your bride?"

Water, Anyone?

The  twenty day or so drought we recently experienced again reminded us of the importance of water.

The world's foremost expert on dowsing, Ezra Throckmorton, will be in Ohio for the month of July.

Throckmorton travels with six hazel divining rods and will locate the perfect spot to drill a well.  

"I've been very fortunate. The ole doodlebug has provided a good living," said Throckmorton. 

His book:  How to hold your wiggle-stick will be available after his lecture at Strasburg State on July 1st.  The lecture titled "Radiesthesia. Cleidomancy. Rhabdomancy for everyday life," is scheduled for 8 pm.

Ezra's fees are:  $4,000 per water well, and 40% of all mineral finds.  

Letter To The Editor

To Whomever needs to read this!

I am writing this morning after reading yesterdays story about relocating cats.

I am against it.

I don't like it.

We have noticed an increase in our cat population here at Sound of Sunset Farms.

We have enough cats!

Don't bring anymore cats!!

Stop it!!!

Sincerely,

Halle Berryhill, Owner

Sound of Sunset Farms

ps: love my Hoyt-Clagwell shirt

Schnozelheimer

Click Bait !!

George Wendt in Most Revealing Image

Mega Star in swimwear !

Fans go crazy !

Sexy Black Bathing Suit !

You Won't Believe Your Eyes !

NSFW!

Nearly reveals his knees !

George in Mankini !

Fashion Icon Turns 100

This Saturday marks the 100th birthday for the Sweatpant.

Emile Camuset invented the grey knitted garment for athletes to easily move in.  And it absorbed their perspiration.

To mark the date, the Fresno chapter of The Friends of Fashion will hold a sweatpant/sweatshirt fashion show on Saturday at 2pm.  

The event will be held in the village's community center and catered by The Close Inn Carryout and Catering Company.

Models of all shapes and sizes will walk the runway in garments contributed by museums as well as the newest trend in gray. 

​There is also a photo display in the foyer featuring candid camera shots of those wearing sweats in unusual settings.  

Event coordinator, Maxine Turtlebaum, believes children should not attend.

"Nobody likes to have an important fashion show disrupted by unruly, crying, incorrigible, coughing, inveterate, beastly and bored offspring. Leave them in the car," snorted the old maid.

She's Back !!

The World's most famous agony aunt, Annika Sorasstram, is un-retiring.

"Yes, I'll contribute a column every other week for the local paper," said Annika when she finally answered her phone.

The 'Ask Anna' column was syndicated worldwide during her award winning period in the 60's, 70's and 80's.  She retired to Fresno in 1992.

The White Eyes Daily Messenger has set up a MyFacePage account for Sorasstram and you can submit you advice requests throught that.  

"Please keep your questions to topics of love, money, religion, politics, mental health and hygiene.  I won't touch the NFL, especially the Steelers," she noted.

'Ask Anna'will begin next month when she returns from vacation. She's on the Mowry Holler Hike. 

Club News

The Contemplating Thinkers Club will have their monthly covered dish dinner this Sunday evening.

Lil (everyone knows her as Nancy) Gillis will host at her place out on Sharrock's Ridge.

If you are considering attending, she asks you to ponder - for a moment - the night's topic: Brooding Over Speculation.

Lil says there is no agenda, "you will be allowed to ruminate, speculate and muse if you can do it in a timely fashion."

The CTC is celebrating their 44th anniversary this year.  Excogitation has not started.

Text Lil with an rsvp and what you are bringing to eat: salad, desert or gravy.

The Cell Phone!

Fifty years ago Martin Cooper called his friend Joe Engel on a device he'd just invented:  The Cell Phone.

Cooper had built three of those bulky devices.  One for his buddy at AT&T, and one for his wife - his second call. 

And just last week he finally got off the phone with her. Jennifer Korn from CNN was waiting (22 years) for the interview.

"I just couldn't get a word in," said Martin. "She has a large family and is in a number of civic organizations so she just used the time to inform me of everything." 

When asked about the advancements and improvements to his invention, Cooper admitted he's never heard of texting, facetime, iPads, or distracted driving.

Martin was pleased to hear that Seinfeld used a prototype from his workshop in an episode.

Breaking News:  There will be a midnight ramble tonight at the Millers Dip Grange Hall, starting time is 6pm as the hosts want to be home for the Golden Girls Anniversary special.  Bring your own washboard.

Reverse Flynn?

It's been well documented that our collective IQ went up for a sixty year period beginning in 1930.

But that ended in the early 90's.  A recent report indicates that we're getting dumber.

And local educator Nan Woolover agrees. "I done been seen that for some time now.  You'uns ain't tellin me nothin."

The NEA says they are forming a committee.

"Learnin' these young'ns on hows to best take a test is the most important thing right now," said NEA spokesperson, Bobby Lee Halfbake on condition of anonymity.

​And in a related note, Bill Engvall says these are rich times for material.

Notice:  There will be a pop-up Hootenanny tonight at Myra's Party Barn, park your 4-wheelers at Burger Rock.  The popular shout band Social Misdemeanor will be stopping in around 12:30 am.  They will be performing earlier at Buddy's Speakeasy. 

Championship Weekend is Here!

    Kickoff is slated for noon today in the Central Ohio Semi-Pro Football League championship.  

    The Utica Longnecks will take on the #1 seed, Cavallo Hillsiders at the Red Sea Stadium and entertainment complex. The Hillsiders got the top seed because they scored more points during the regular season.

    The Longnecks had one blemish on their record, losing to the  Hillsiders, who lost to the Longnecks in the first game of the season.   Thusly setting up today's rubber match.

     Food and Beverage stands will be operated by the Muskrat Lodge ladies auxiliary. Proceeds to St. Jude's Children Hospital.

This year's final standings:

T-1st Cavallo Hillsiders (10-1) * 

T-1st Utica Longnecks (10-1)

3rd Peoli Cyclones (9-2)

T-4th Walhounding Houndogs (8-3)

T-4th Moreland Mauraders (8-3)

6th Dresden Basketboys (7-4)

7th Philo Gophers (6-5)

8th Old Washington Cherrybombs (5-6)

9th Stillwater Wave (4-7)

10th Keene Cruisers (3-6-1)

11th Spring Mountain Ears (2-7-1)

12th Mayesville Pikers (0-11)

UPDATE:  The Cavallo Hillsiders captured the championship by a score of 6-0.  Each team funbled six times and had their only pass intercepted.  "A hard fought win," said head coach Weeb Ewbanks,III

Lunch & Learn

This month's Lunch & Learn will be held tomorrow at the White Eyes Township Center for The Aged and In The Way.

The luncheon menu will be Troyers Trail Bologna and Pearl Valley Swiss sandwiches, Fritos, Jello Salad and either CountryTime Lemonade or Fresno Shandy (half lemonade and half beer).

The 'Learn' portion will be "How to watch sports among friends and gamble", with a concentration in golf and baseball.

"It is so much fun to pick two or 3 players before a golf tournament for your team.  Place a small wager that your team will do better than theirs," says lecturer Milton Swirl.

"And in baseball you can bet on each pitch or situation, such as 'bet he strikesout or steals a base'. We always bet on the condiment races," he concluded.

Next month's Lunch & Learn will focus on classical music: Can it Endure?

Dr. Wu's Van in Town

The much anticipated quarterly visit by Dr. Wu is coming this week.  Dr. Wu's Travelling VanMart will be parked in the vacant drive-in theater lot out on county road 234.

"I've got a very good selection of used hearing aids, reading glasses and plastic flowers," said Wu. "And all monacles are half-off."

Wu's Tonic, Wu's Chocolates and Wu's Spices are just some of his popular offerings.

"And for this year I've created Dr. Wu's Multi-nut/Multi-grain Health Bar,"  added Wu. "I'll have some mini samples."

Dr. Wu's Travelling VanMart has a capacity of three, expect long lines so bring a lawn chair. Wu said he'll be playing Deep Purple's greatest hits on the P.A. for your enjoyment while you wait.

Help Wanted

The Lopsang Yak Farms has put out a world-wide help wanted bulletin.  

"If joining our team of yak herders has been a lifelong goal, if you can stand high altitudes, and if you  want to make good money please apply," said  Uri Lopsang, Vice President and HR Director.  He mentioned that the starting hourly rate is $108 per hour.

"We are looking for the middle-aged person," continued Lopsang, "a real self-starter, as the younger crowd does not want to work.  We lost a third of a herd last week because the 'herder in charge' was playing Gameboy!"

The Lopsang Yak Farms are located in various locations of the Himalayans, which has nine of the 10 highest elevations in the world.  

"If you suffer nose bleeds don't apply. Our insurance won't cover you," concluded Lopsang.

More Advice for Centenarians

     Recently Dr. Howard Tucker of Cleveland shared five bits of advice to live a long life.  The 100 year old neurologist says to stay mentally sharp, happy and healthy:

1. Don't retire

2. Dont' get out of shape

3. Don't Smoke

4. Don't restrict yourself &

5. Don't keep your knowledge to yourself

     Well local old gal, Maggie Shelstrop gave her tips for living to be 102:

1. Drink !  one or two beers doesn't hurt

2. Sip brandy after dinner

3. Don't smoke, chew

4. Let the anger out, give the "long finger howdy", but only when necessary

5. Sing bawdy songs, loudly

6. Bust the bully in the schnoz

7. Watch Johnny Carson reruns

8. Go dancing with young men

9. Don't be afraid to quit and try something else

10. Make up your own lyrics while singing in the church choir, loudly

11. Be sure to tell teenagers how much fun life is

     Maggie still waits tables at Spitlers Fine Dining.  

"Set your tip money back for vacationing in Belize," she offered.

Chairman Fred Ridley's Car

Art Deco News

Local philanthropist, venture capitalist, and over-all swell guy, Ansell Adamson has purchased the Meyercord Carter Company of Vienna, West Virginia.

"The Vitrolite manufacturer has been moth-balled for years, but aside from the dust, she's ready to go." said Adamson.

Vitrolite is a structural glass used on the exterior of buildings while inside used as backsplashes and bathroom wall coverings.  The vitrolite advertising sign is highly collectible.

While the manufacturing will remain in Vienna, just across the river from Marietta, Ohio, the showroom will be in Fresno.  

"We'll begin with black, white and jade green squares and rectangles at first," continued Adamson. "Then as we identify the right-minded employees we'll move into the artwork or unique signage niche."

According to Adamson he made this move because of the large volume of requests for repair pieces as main streets across the U.S. are going through a restoration period.  He says that the children of baby boomers are now positioned to rejuvenate downtowns as the mall experience is declining.

Look for the catalogue in the mail this spring.

An Amazing Find!

Historians, Scientists, Religious Leaders Converge on Adams Mills

What is quickly becoming the greatest discovery in  the 21st century, another Antikythera Mechanism has been found.

Smiley Trombinacci, a local archeologist, has been dredging the bogs of Adams Mills for decades.  This past year he pulled up a cache of well preserved artifacts, including the ancient orrery.

"I was using my hydraulic dredger on the bottom of basin 2, not the mechanical dredger.  You never use a mechanical dredger in a bog, some idiots do, but not me!  anyway there it was!" said Smiley.

The basins were part of the Ohio-Erie Canal.

Because bogs are known to preserve what falls in, the ancient celestial calculator is in near perfect condition. And that condition is why so many are knocking on Trombinacci's door. "It is a beaut and I'm happy to permit inspections and selfies," said Trombinacci.

Past finds in the same bog have included alien spaceships, Hopewell Indian burial blankets, canal era bodies and a 1945 Volkswagen Beetle.

In a related note, a third Newark Holy Stone was found in the same cache.

Use These Words Today

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has announced they will submit a list of words each month for reintroduction to our daily vocabulary.

"We just think some words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We think now is the time to go public," she added.

"But, be sure to use them in the correct context! Nothing makes me madder than hearing a sports guy misuse the word 'matriculate'," she snarled.

This Month's Words:

1. Gaggle

2. Betroth

3. Caper

4. Ruffian

5. Kablooey

Watch this space monthly for more suggestions of words you should use when calling the talk show, or talking with your obnoxious cousin.

January 25-27, 1978 was one of the worst winter storms to ever hit our region.  From the Ohio Valley to Ontario the snow kept coming.

This is the 45th anniversary of that Blizzard and is a time that NannieMae and Cletus MacGregor remember well,  because they had some special house guests.

"I remember Cletus was out plowing the lane so the milk truck could get to us when he came on two big buses that were stuck out at the main road," said NannieMae.

"They was a headed in different directions but got stuck right at our lane. So Cletus directed them to walk to the house and about thirty or so came traipsin' in," she continued.

It turns out one bus had The Charlie Daniels Band that was headed west to Columbus, and the other bus had The Godz who were headed to Pittsburgh.

Cletus laughingly recalled the party, "Those boys could sure put away the whiskey and they sang funny songs too! - about machines and bein' country boys. We were both a little light'headed for the next week for some reason."

​NannieMae said to be sure and tell everyone that all the boys were polite and helped with the chores. "Charlie wrote every year, I even went to his funeral." 

Prunes ! ! ! 

A new advertising campaign to promote Prunes will begin on January 2nd.

Harley Bettencourt, President of the Prune Promotion Program, has announced a nationwide effort encouraging everyone to eat more prunes.

​

"EAT MORE PRUNES," Harley grunted.  "We had a banner year in the prune production industry, now we just need everyone to put prunes in their regular diet," he finished.

According to Bettencourt, we should wipe away all preconceived notions about prunes and enjoy good health.

"Fruits with benefits," as he put it.

Perfecto!

A Fresno man has been notified that he has raised the perfect Potted Pileweed.

The Pile Treaters Association, members of the A.M.A., have sent their Certificate of Note to Elias Edson.

"I am happy to contribute," said Edson, "now I have to buy a frame." 

The plant is also know as American Burnweed and Pilewort. 

The harvesting and oil extraction crew from The Zanesville Pile Treatment Center will start next week. 

The value has been established at $4,000. 

Edson says he'll use the money. 

New Self-help Group Forms

The basement meeting room at The Church, will be the location for a new effort to help those who live with an opinionist.

"If you are unfortunate enough to reside with one who is unduly fond of his or her opinions, then we can advise," said therapist Alan Ebersol.

"I put the idea out on MySpacePage and got an overwhelming response," added Ebersol.

The first meeting is tonight, bring ideas.

The International World's Record Office has determined that a recent find in a rural portion of Coshocton County is in fact the largest grapevine on earth.

Archie Bell, Chief Weights and Measures Investigator of The I.W.R.O., confirmed his findings in a press release yesterday.

"The diameter is 2.5 feet and circumference is 7 ft 10 1/4 inches.  That bests the current record holder by two inches," said Bell.

Alvin Adams, IV of Boone, NC discovered the vine while hiking in the county.  

"If you draw a straight line from Boone to Coshocton, I've hiked every county, except Wood in West Virginia", said Adams, "and when I rounded a big rock, there it was."

The location is being kept confidential because the landowner doesn't want, and these are his words: "lookey-loos".

May     May     May     May     May

St. Patricks Day Parade Today

Today's St. Patricks Day Pet Parade route has been set.  This year's Grand Marshall is Riley McBeverly from Dover, Oh.

The parade will organize at the intersection of Hamilton Avenue and Thomas Hill Road.  At 10 am    all pets and their servants will proceed west on Hamilton to the Methodist Church Alley, head north to Main Street and then west to the school.  

The Mighty White Eyes Creek has been dyed green.  

​Green eggs and Ham, Jamesons 18-year old Green Label whiskey and green M&M's will be handed out at the end. The Irish Rovers will entertain.

Happy 4th ! !

Today's Fourth of July Festivities in Fresno:

6a - 9a Breakfast

9a - 2p Brunch

2p - 9p BBQ Cookoff (save your bones)

9p Winner of the Cleanest Bones from BBQ Cookoff announced.

10p Firework (only one, small budget)

10:01p Zeke 'n Eddie Concert

note: the adult pedal tractor pull, the walk-a-thon, the pony rides, husband-carrying race, buck-buck and commorative plate auction have all been eliminated.

Village Braces for Sled Week

The usually quiet and quaint village of Fresno is gearing up for the annual SLED WEEK.  This is when sled riders from all over the county converge at the top of Shroyer's Hill.

SLED WEEK organizer Vicki Sue Hixon is excited again to see the collection of sleds going downhill.

"We see all kinds.  From the Flexible Flyer to the homemade toboggans, even cafeteria trays," she explained.  "There's no competition, just good wholesome fun."

This year marks the 60th anniversary of such an event. "Yep it's our diamond anniversary - hint, hint" she laughed while nodding and winking at her husband Dick.

SLED WEEK is noon to 5:45 each afternoon.  Soup Beans and Cornbred will be served at the bottom of the hill.

He Has A Goal

Inspired by a Michigan company, 10 year old Elliot McGonagle of rural White Eyes Township, has set his sights on a Guinness World Record.

The announcment from Guinness reads: "The largest ball of lint was achieved by Dryer Vent Wizard International in Farmington Hills, MI, USA on 19 September 2019." 95 franchisees contributed, but that has not daunted Elliot.

690 pounds is the record, "I plan on besting that by ten pounds," he said.

He is asking all residents in the Fresno, Chili, Pearl villages to collect their dryer lint and he will pick up once a week.

"I have scheduled for grandma to drive me in to Fresno on Tuesdays, Chili will be Wednesdays and I will be in Pearl on Friday's.  I have zither lessons on Thursdays," said young McGonagle.

New Holidays !

The Hallmark Card Company has been hinting for years that more holidays should be added to the calendar year.

Well today they fulfilled that promise by adding nine new days designated for celebration to the list.

We all know that the first day of the first month (1-1) celebrates the "new year"; and (2-2) February 2nd is for the groundhog; and 5-5 (May fifth) is "Cinco de Mayo."

Here's the listing for the remaining forgotten months:

3-3 (March third) Gin rummy day, acknowledging the meld of a run or a set of three

4-4 (April fourth) Celebrating the 4 by 4 piece of lumber.  Send a card to your favorite carpenter

6-6 (June sixth) Also knows as Sechs-Sechs day celebrating the German good luck number of six. A six-pack of  Leinenkugel Summer Shandy is the appropriate gift.

7-7 (July seventh) A day to celebrate and remember the famous culture changing televsion show 77 Sunset Strip.

8-8 (August eighth) Now referred to as "Rocket 88 Days" in honor of the keyboard. 

9-9 (September ninth) "Agent 99 Day" to honor the lovely and curvaceous Barbara Feldon who was Agent 99 on the famous culture changing television show Get Smart.

10-10 (October tenth) A day to "sign-off" and decompress, do nothing, be lazy, lay around and nap in honor of the CB Radio.

11-11 (November eleventh) A day to acknowledge that you are on the right path, and to say thanks to your Guardian Angels.

12-12 (December twelfth) AKA "Beer Day"  to celebrate Shecky O'Pake the inventor of putting two 12-packs of beer together and calling it "a case".  Genius.

Author/Lecturer Peter Smedley

Subtle Morning Joe Changes

More planned changes have been leaked about Joe Scarborough's appearance tweaks.

The Morning Joe star changed the part in his hair, as reported in this space earlier. What had been a forward slash look is now a backward slash.

Now it is revealed that he will change from the black horn rimmed glasses to the shaded John Lennon spectacles.

Joe has also signed an endorsement deal with Patriot Rags and will don their Belichick Hoodie.

Look for these changes after the holidays.

Improvement Noticed

     The Isletta Community Improvement Coalition has awarded their yearly certificate to Ole Dan March.  

     This past year Dan not only planted lilies, but painted the final two sides of his outhouse.

     "Gettin' those final coats of paint on before football started was a big goal of mine," he said.

     "We really, really appreciate Dan helping to polish the image of our town," said chairwoman Tootie Stottleheimer.

Retiring, But Where?

As the baby-boomers reach retirement age, the topic turns to where they want to live out the rest of their natural born days.

Some choose to remain where they are, some go to different climates, some move to where grand children reside, and some move out of country.

There have been many news articles published recently such as the US News and World Report, where Panama and Belize are the top two destinations.

If you want to retire in Ohio, Mad Magazine recently named Fresno as the top destination.  

The village's top real estate magnate, Emilio Huffnagle concurs:  "Oh yea, I get it. Uh-huh, Sure. It's completely understandable. I totally agree."

Pizookie Champion Delcared

The International Pizookie Championship was held over the weekend in Shanesville, Ohio.

Sharon Schlarb of Chili came home with the blue ribbon in the 10 inch category and trophy for Best in Show.  Whitney Baker was this year's judge.

A Pizookie, as everyone knows, is a chocolate chip cookie made in a black cast iron skillet.  It is served warm with a dollop of vanilla ice cream.

"I've placed in the top three before, second place the year we went to Spain, but this is a total surprise," declared Schlarb. "I inherited that skillet from grandma and it's seasoned just right, and the ovens this year were fab."

"We are so daggone proud of Sharon," said International Pizookie President Ike Eisenhour.  "She's been a member since her twelfth birthday." 

Next year's competition will be held in Carmel, CA.  The 16 year old Schlarb says she hopes she can get out of school.

Society News

Berkheimer-Coltrane Wedding

A destination wedding took place on New Years Eve, as Valerie Berkheimer and Smedley Coltrane exchanged nuptials.

Their wedding took place at the luxurious Tie'Died Lotus Resort in Baltic, Ohio and was officiated by Preacher Jackson Moran.

The bride wore a dress, and the groom a two-piece suit sans cumberbund, but with clip on necktie. 

Friends and family partied until the late hour of 10 pm to the DJ sounds of Johnny Fever's third cousin, Brucie Fever. The event was catered by The West Bedford BBQ and Rendering Co.

The groom's father Jonathan Coltrane said, "I've travelled all over the world to events, and this place is another," when asked about the Lotus. (editors note:  Coltrane is a British citizen, that's why traveled was spelled with two Ls)

Fresno, Ohio
The hippest village east of Marfa, Tx

Antique Crock and Jim Ed's left hand

Business News

The local small business economy is getting another boost.

Waldo Wiskerman will open a SortaKleen franchise out on the Avenue Culdesac.

"We'll do most cleaning jobs, and get stuff mostly clean.  Some things you just can't get clean, and you gotta know that first off," said Waldo.

"But we will get it sortakleen!" Wiskerman laughed.

Wiskerman is looking for help too.

Summer School Curriculum

     Among the many new classes to be offered to local students for the 2023 Summer School period are:

1. Teeter Totter for One

2. Card Games for 6 players

3. Tag Team Chess

4. Warm Weather Curling

5. Open Air Racquetball

6. Freeform Crocquet

7. Jarts in a Crowd

8. Snare Drum Design and Construction

9. Advanced Whiffleball

10. A.D.D. Darning

An online syllabi can be downloaded at www.tyndallinstituteoftechnology.ha

Ice Fishing Prohibited

Deacon Grouse, local Health and Human Safety Special Agent, has announced that all Ice Fishing has been suspended in the tri-township region.

"The unusually warm temperatures have just made it stupid to wander out to your huts," said Grouse. "Some have already had their's break through."

Grouse also noted that the shortcut across Lake Lila has been closed. "We'll get Jonny Raber's jeep in the spring," he promised.

Naming Your Baby

CNN recently reported about the top baby names for the past year. click this to read the story.

A little research locally revealed that the top baby names in our tri county region for boys are: Honus, Cyrus and Dewey.

Most used girl names are: Talula, Wilomena, and Meg.

Male dog names are: Buddy, Jake and Dawg.

Female dog names are: Molly, Lucy and SusieDawg.

HOF Bus Driver to Speak

    Larry Strickland, the greatest left-handed bus driver of all time, will speak at the local church ladies luncheon this Thursday.

    Strickland, who made his mark from 1948 - 1963, was voted into the Hall by his peers - on the first ballot!  His customer rating was very low though.  

    "He always started, before I was seated," was noted many times in his personnel file.

    The luncheon is held on the third Thursday of each month at 11:30 am.  The Downtowner Diner will cater this month. 

    All new ladies to the neighborhood are encouraged to contact Myrna Collins for approval and subsequent invitation.

    Jean-Claude Baptiste, the famous WWII French fighter pilot, will speak next month. His topic will be: They were NOT Messerschmitts!

New Cause for Local Group

The LLAATU (Local Ladies Against All Things Uncomfortable) have come out against all things they deem 'esoteric'.

"I heard someone use that word, looked it up, and decided right then and there to take it to the ladies for consideration," said LLAATU  (pronounced: LaLatyou) member Jeannie G Riley.

So for the time being they will rail against anything obscure, abstract or arcane.

Past efforts were against kangaroo breeding, provocative romance novel covers, watermelon crawl, obese lifeguards and the Macarena.

Entertainment News

For Immediate Release

RE:  American Idol Tour

General Larry Platt (pants on the ground) has purchased the rights to promote an American Idol Tour. 

"Just because you don't win, don't mean you can't sing," said Platt.

His first tour is titled: FiveFiftyFive.  "We've selected the performer that finished in fifth place the first 5 years," he said. "And we'll play in five towns."

Year one was RJ Helton, Carmen Rasmussen was the second season.  Seasons 3-5 were George Huff, Nadia Turner and Paris Bennett. 

The five locations for the tour have been carefully selected according to Platt.  The Tour kicks off in Gilmore, Oh.  Then New Concord, Adamsville, Keene with the finale booked in the storied Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili.

If Ticketmaster can handle the demand, they will announce when.

-30-

Food Court to Expand

The Blissfield Mega Mall, one of the largest shopping malls in all of the Americas, has another offering in the food court.

Peterson's Possum Market will occupy the space where Chipotle used to be.

"Possum is the 'the other white meat' and there are so many ways to fix it," said Greg Peterson.

"I will feature Possum Pate, Possum Polenta, Seared Possum sandwiches to name just a few.  Check our complete menu online."

Peterson gained notoriety with his                Possum Croquette on                                      Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.                                  Guy Fierri said it was:                                        "...one of the things I've tasted."

Slow Down,

Partner

Not Oscar Worthy ?1?

While the world is buzzing this morning about last night's Oscar Awards, folks in these parts are astounded at one result.

Sure Jamie Lee Curtis winning instead of Angela Bassett is a topic for the water cooler.  It was nice to see Michelle Yeoh win, and Everything Everywhere All At Once is debateable for best picture, but come on! 

Tyrell Miller DID NOT win for Best Actor/Actress Standing Around in a Crowd Looking Natural.  And that has everyone in the tri-county region calling foul.

"That scene in the bar during Top Gun: Maverick was the best nonchalant normal patron I've ever barely noticed," said local little theater director Rob Roy. "Tyrell got the big rook-a-do, in my humble opinion."

On the red carpet before the ceremony last night, Ashley Graham asked Miller about his inspiration: "Well, I guess I adopted the encouraging words of a Buck Owens song that grandad played all the time, 'Act Naturally'," he quipped.

Miller wore his trademark brown-green-gold flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up; brown corduroy slacks & dingo boots. He was accompanied by Ana de Armas.

Miller is a past graduate of The Fuzzy Burky Institute for Young Men.

April                      April                         April                               April                                  April

Cable channel 88-FZNO Programming Note:

Tonight's  Fresno City Limits episode of Rock does Polka has been scratched.

A re-run of The Thompson Twins do Rogers and Hammerstein will air in it's sted.

Reasoning for the cancellation is sketchy. We'll report more details as they are confirmed, verified and vetted. 

Honored for Volunteerism

Pete and Clete Sweeney are again working at a USGA Event.  This week they are volunteering at the US Open.

We are hearing the word 'barranca' quite a bit and that's exactly where you will find them.

Pete is spotting for balls in the barranca on the front nine, while Clete is working the back nine at the Los Angeles Country Club.

The narrow, winding gorge that winds through the course is quite the hazard. Clete, who has put on weight, twisted his ankle during the practice round.  He's set up at the bottom of one deep ravine in a folding canvas chair.

During the opening ceremonies Wednesday night, the Sweeney twins were honored with a lifetime achievement award for their years of service to the United States Golf Association.

A Rare Vision

Local expert ornithologist Dr. Van Scarsdale has confirmed a rare sighting of the Blue Footed Boobie.

​

Coshocton resident Avery Greenspan was walking the towpath to the upper basin at Lake Park on Saturday when he came upon the pair of south Pacific residents.

"I was just walkin' the beagle, thinkin' about the Browns when I saw these odd lookin' birds," said Greenspan.

"I mean I've seen crows, and starlings and chickenhawks and buzzards and vultures and bluejays and wrens and swallows and doves and gulls and geese and ducks and sparrows and all, but couldn't help to think these things with blue feet were odd.  So's I used the cell phone to snap a picture," he added.

Dr. Scarsdale was then called in by the local authorities. "This is rare.  Really rare.  Maybe the rarest of rares," he said

Dr. Scarsdale theorizes that the Blue Footed Boobies, usually found around the Galapagos Islands were blown in with the recent high winds and rain that pounded the west coast.   

"The only other explanation I can think of is they were somebody's pets," added Dr. Scarsdale.

Greenspan noted that this story has "...gone vital on the interweb...." 

August               August               August           August                   August                        August

Let's Fund It !

Crooksville residents have started a 'Let's Fund It' page for their newest idea to renovate the downtown.  

Crooksville has long been known for their ceramic industry. Local leaders now want to pave their downtown main street with the newly discovered polygon shape that never repeats.

The Smithsonian magazine recently reported that a 13 sided polygon has been discovered and Crooksvillians want to have the ceramic shape laid from curb to curb.  

The 3 mile long project is estimated to cost 4.5 million dollars.  Make your donation at:  www.ifurstupidsendmoneyhere.org

Collection To Be Auctioned

Marlena Van Tolbert says she just has to sell.

Van Tolbert, a dual citizen of The United States and Great Britain, has the world's largest collection of Enclyclopedia Britannicas.  A complete collection. 

Not of just one year, but every year!

Her family began purchasing the publications in 1768 and did not miss a year.  They stopped printing bound versions in 2012.

"I moved the collection stateside in 1949 when no relatives in England wanted them," said Van Tolbert. She said it cost a fortune to get them here from Haywards Heath.

"But I have to make some room, because the daughter and her 7 kids are moving in," said the glum lady.

​Her collection will be sold by the year on EBAY: One year per hour over the next 11 days.

Those who live locally can inspect the conditions at her place out on Old Riley Road.

Anniversary Party 

The Golden Anniversary Party for Bebe and Jacques Rousseau has been planned for this Sunday.

The Rousseau children have rented the entire facility at Bonvechios in Wainright.

"We will have mom and dad there at 2:30 and keep receiving family and friends until the food is gone," said the eldest son Wilson.

Daughter Elsie said,"For those wanting to bring gifts, they are registered at DrugMart, Central Ohio Medical Solutions and MCL Cafeteria."

Although Sunday is the 50th year since their first wedding, they have only been married for 44 years. 

"We broke up a few times because of small misunderstandings, but got back together," said Bebe explaining their three divorces.

"She played too much golf," said Jacques explaining their three divorces.

Coming Home

    Local multi-millionaire, Thurston 'Thursty' Powell is moving back stateside.

    Powell Lanolin Manufacturing is relocating their plant back to Coshocton County after years in Dingwall, Scotland.

    "It was nice being close to the sheep and shipping in Dingwall, but I just can't get help anymore," said Thursty.

    "While I'll pay more for wool, I'll make up for it in labor and shipping costs.  All moisturizing plants are in the U.S." he concluded.

​    Powell's company will take over the abandoned piano company space in the Fresno Industrial Park.

    "And greens fees are reasonable here," said the +2 handicapper.

BEST LOCALE

There's metropolitan, there's micropolitan and then there's countrypolitan.

'Countrypolitan' refers to the small villages in America that have even smaller village suburbs.

Bestdagoneplacetolive Magazine has named Fresno as the top countrypolitan locale in the nation.

"When you analyze the lifestyle, the pace, the neighborly kindness, and the suburbs of Chili, Pearl, Bakersville, Lowerville, Brinkville, and Powelltown, along with the scarcity of houses for sale, you understand why life there is so sought after," said the magazine's publisher Inez Duffy.

The magazine went on to cite the fact that a brewery, a winery, a cheese producer, fresh eggs, ADGA Registered Nigerian Dwarf Goat sales, and a plethora of pizza options solidified it's decision to name Fresno as #1.

Fresno is long known for having a post office.

Bakersville is long known for Bakersville Garage, a large New Holland Farm implement dealer.

One Restored, One Demolished

CNN recently reported that a beautiful Frank Lloyd Wright home has been restored in Tulsa.  (read it here)

The famed architecht's home that was built for his cousin is up for sale at $8 million.

We've recently learned the original design that was the inspiration for Wright's massive Tulsa house was torn down in Kimbolton.  

"I just thought it was a big ugly structure," quipped Jimmy John Jacobsen, local salvage and repurpose genuis.   

"I just figured it was a bunch of add-ons as they kept havin' kids," said the remorseful Jacobsen when told of the value.

Jacobsen used the salvage pieces to build 22 tiny houses over at Salt Fork State Park. That area is now called "Wrightsville Beach."

Now Available in Fresno! So you can tell

No Conclusions

A recent report in The Astronomical Journal indicated that the radio signals coming from the Milky Way could be them trying to say "hello".

The astronomy department at Strasburg State held an emergency roundtable to discuss.

While "hello" was a credible theory, many other ideas emerged.

"They could be asking for help, warning us of danger, sending intelligent information or ordering pizza," said Ernestine Rodgers, Department Chair.

All in attendence agreed to continue to "think on the subject" and apply for a grant.

National Enquirer Gives Up

Citing changes in the media, the National Enquirer will also make some changes.

The tabloid has been in publication since 1926.

"We are not longer the alternative, the shocking, the quirky, the humorous, the gossip source, or the sensational and blatantly false," said spokesman Swirly Q. Tappan.

"We will now try legitimate news reporting and investigative journalism," he confessed. "We're gonna do  what nobody else is attempting. We'll be impartial, middle of the road and non-confrontational." 

There was no comment when Tappan was asked about paying hush money to Playboy models, however.

Fiona Wipplebean Will Stop Locally

The most popular author, publisher and adventure seeker of our time will stop in Schlarb's Bar and Grill Wednesday.

Fiona Wipplebean is the  publisher of Adventure Annual, and will have copies of her newest edition from 5-7 pm.

Early reviews are all 'thumbs up', as Fiona details her trips to Madagascar, Peoli and Gdansk.

Wipplebean says she will sign autographs and have a slide presentation followed by a question and answer period.

"I am so glad to have had the childhood I did," says Wipplebean, "it surely accounts for who I am today!"

Wipplebean is the daughter of Marlin Perkins and Mitzy Cousteau.  Perkins is known for his  Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom tv show, and Mitzy was the sister of Jacques Cousteau.

Adventure Annual comes out every two to 3 years.

Lake Lila Country Club

Riley McBeverly  Grand Marshall

Use These Words Today

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Clubhas announced this month's word list for reintroduction to our daily vocabulary.

"We just think some words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We think now is the time to go public," she added.

1. Coddiwomple

2. Skosh

3. Copacetic

4. Humbuggery

5. Snecklifter

"That Cleveland sports guy still uses the word 'matriculate' incorrectly," Levengood said with disgust.

Local Cloggers to Perform

The Pearl Valley Cloggers will perform during halftime at the Peach Bowl on Dec. 31st

"We're all really honored to be selected to represent Ohio down there," said Lead Clogger Willie "pegleg" Collier.

"We have a couple of hamstring injuries in the group, some gout, and my wife's bout of vertigo, but we should be 100% by gametime," he added. Collier is a bit worried on how they will deal with Orie Milner's broken arm. "that thing sticks out like a tree limb"

Collier is famous for his 'one clog, one stomp' method.  

8th Wonder?

Local environmentalist, Abe Hurdlestone has made application for The Mighty White Eyes Creek to be designated as the Eighth Wonder of the World.

"I know there are many candidates for this designation, but if the committee would just come to Fresno, they'd agree," said Hurdlestone.

The Mighty White Eyes is joined by the East Fork and the West Fork Creeks at Fresno and flows south to the Tuscarawas River that joins with the Walhounding River to form the Muskingum River, that flows to the Ohio River, that flows to the Mississippi River.

"When they come, I'll take everyone out Oak Valley Road to see where it all starts," added Abe. "And if weather permits we'll float to the mouth." 

If Hurdlestone is successful, he will have lept over the many gorges, falls, walls, and peaks worldwide. 

Band To Prove Talent

The Sugarcreek Marching Alphorn  Band has been selected to appear in next month's tv show America's Got Talent.

"Heidi (Klum) saw them at the Swiss Festival and was enthralled," said Simon Cowell, the show's creator and star.

"Ohio State claims to be TBDBITL," says show co-star Sophia Vergara,"but I say this band is TBGDBIEDS (the best gosh darn band I ever did see)!".

"We are so honored to be invited", said Band Director Adelheid (Heidi) Müller. "When I arrived here from Habkern, I sensed they wanted to go places. So this is what every day practice rewards." 

"She did drive us pretty intensely," admitted Tenor Alphorn player No. 6 Hans Gerber.

A free parade and send-off party will organize at The Swiss Hat on June 2nd.

TURING AWARD 

The 2023 Turing Award was announced recently and some guy that invented the ethernet was the winner.

But, as big as that guy getting a million dollars, is the news that local brainiac Esme Morelda coming in second!

The A. M. Turing Award is the Association for Computing Machinery's oldest and most prestigious award. It is presented annually  to an individual who has made lasting contributions of a technical nature to the computing community

Morelda has invented another line on the keyboard.  The additional line will be located between the numbers and the "F" keys.  That line of keys will be for phonetic symbols.

"I concentrated on 'dipthongs' for my thesis and that is what my sorority sisters nicknamed me," said an embarassed Esme.

Morelda teaches second graders at Fresno Elementary, her achievement will result in a $500 check from the ACM.

Boot Expert to Speak

The Plainfield Social and Cultural Growth Club has booked the highly sought after boot authority Walter Horton. 

Horton's Traveling Boot Show will be on display this weekend at the Plainfield Fine Arts Complex.  

Horton's lecture titled From Galoshes to Gucci, will be Saturday afternoon before the NFL playoff games start.  His talk will focus on the evolution of the boot, from 'over the shoe' to the 'fashion' boot. And as custom, he will end the afternoon by performing his top-40 hit: You don't wear open toe on a slushy afternoon.

"I am especially proud of the Arctics", said Horton.  He was referencing his collection of two,4,5 and 6 buckle arctics.  "I even have a pair of the rare three-buckle arctics from WWII !" exclaimed Walter.

Club President Millie Dusenberry noted that this is the first of the 2023 series of shows and lectures.  The next will be in March as they host the Objective Constraint Symphony of Sound. 

"The medicated will love, love, love this concert," she grinned.

Mid-Year Report 

Local Justice of the Peace, Milo Middleton, has released his report on crime for the first six months of 2023.

Icy sidewalks: 6

Incessant Dog Barking: 1

Eyesore property: 2

Border disputes: 4

Health Hazard-

     Trash Cans: 8

     Picnic Salmonella: 9

     Dead Tree Limbs: 2

     Trash Burning Violations: 22

     Junk Vehicles: 102

Soaped Windows: 3

Weddings: 34

Divorces: 33

Lost Pets: 5

Cows found: 88 

Turpitude Violations: 5​

Running Club To Organize

Russell Duckworth has purchased the Beefy Boys RC franchise for Ohio.

He will organize the running club's first chapter in Dundee.  A meeting for all interested will be Sunday afternoon.

"This running club is for all men who weigh more that 295 pounds and are looking to lose a couple Lb's," said Duckworth.

"We'll start with running the width of the football field, then run the full length."  Russell went on to suggest, "....and those who want to extend their distance can run across the road to the mini-mart and/or DQ." 

Beefy Boys RC is the slowest growing franchise in the United States with chapters in 4 states now. 

Sweeney Week Ends

The whirlwind week for Pete and Clete Sweeney came to an end Friday.

After attending the men's and women's NCAA Final 4, the Cleveland Indians (oops Guardians) season opener in Seattle and the first four days at The Masters, the Sweeneys were in attendance for the Indians (oops Guardians) home opener.

Pete handed the ball to Travis Kelce's mom, who handed it to Travis for the first pitch.

Clete was backing up Slider, who was backing up Shane Beiber.  It was actually Clete that caught the Kelce wild pitch.  

After the game the Sweeney twins watched the trees fall behind #17 teebox at Augusta National on Clete's wife Teeny's smartphone.

"I was standing right there just yesterday!" exclaimed Pete.

"I was getting egg salad sandwiches," said the portly Clete.

Panera Bread Glitch

The Guardian recently reported on Panera Bread going to a palm reading payment system.  

The idea is that you just place your palm on a screen to pay your bill and then eat.  No Money changes hands, no waiting for grandma to count out change from her little leather change purse, no credit cards issues, no debit card pin numbers to remember - just give the ole tablet screen a high five and eat.

Well, the process has been put on hold as many parents have been getting unauthorized charges.  It seems their kids have also been giving "the high five" and running up charges on their parent's account.

"We didn't see that coming," said Panera spokesperson Snuffy Waldorf.

In a related incident, Whole Foods has suspended this payment method as well.  Unscrupulous folk were saying: "hey kid, put your hand on this," and walking out with hundreds of dollars of groceries.

July Concert Dates

The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili has released their July schedule. All performances are by tribute bands.

The concerts are slated for every Saturday night and start with Skynny Lynyrd on July 1st.

The rest of the month looks like this:

July 8 Boy?George & Crude Club

July 15 Un-leaded Zeppelin

July 22 Pinkish Floyd

July 29 The In-laws

Lassie is Missing

Timmie has contacted local authorities and asked that an APB be put out for Lassie, his dog.

"I haven't seen her for years, and I'm tired of mom saying: 'maybe she'll come wandering home tomorrow,'" he said.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Lassie is asked to let someone know.

Lassie, a Rough Collie, was last seen standing on a rock.

Summer Games Return to Ragersville

The annual Summer Games will rotate back to Ragersville, Ohio this June. 

Summer Games committe chairman, Ari Olaf said the local community has been gearing up for this. "And this year they promise to have enough beer," Olaf said while sipping the famous FresnoShandy.

The Games of shuffleboard, darts, horseshoes, croquet, bocci ball and Buck-Buck will be competed in the round-robin format.  Total points earn the coveted Tom Jones Trophy.  Jones is widely regarded as the greatest adult athelete to ever play in these parts.

Neighborhoods, communities, villages and towns should get their teams entered asap.

If you need more information on The Summer Games, Ari said: "Please, by all means hesitate to ask."

Flannel News

For years many of you went to sleep with Johnny Carson on the picture tube.

Now, years later comes The Johnny Carson Flannel at Night  products.

The Fresno Flannel Company has introduced the Carson Flannel PJs, The Carson Flannel bed linen, and the Carson Flannel Pillow Case.

"We have paid a ton of money to the Carson Estate for the rights to put Johnny's face and name on these new products," said Elanoir Grigsby, VP of PR.

"And we're excited to promise that flannel lined slippers, undergarments, and hunting caps will be coming out this summer," she added.

The Fresno Flannel Company is the industry leader and made their fortune on flannel baseball uniforms and flannel lined blue jeans. They no longer make the uniforms.

​"It should be noted that all of our flannel is worsted," Grigsby insisted.

A Summer Class

Miss Moyer's Summer Latin Class is scheduled to begin next week.  

There are still openings for those who need to brush up on their latin as well as for the beginners.

"You will learn how to read phrases on money, artwork, and understand references in court," said Moyer.

"Carpe Vino," she concluded.

Will Fix Leak

Forbes website recently reported that a leak has been discovered at the bottom of the sea.

Just off the coast of Vancouver Island, on a faultline, scientests have discovered a warm liquid leaking into the waters.

Local troubleshooter Rusty Sterling has been hired to plug the leak.

"My team will access the situation and design a plan," Sterling said before departing for the west coast.

Sterling is world renowned for his ability to 'fix stuff'. He has put out oil field fires, righted listing ships, and retrieved goats from abandoned water wells.

If you want to be on the team, apply first thing Monday.

Leif Blickensderfer

Business News

​

Now that the college students are home, The Wobble Inn Cafe & Cocktail Lounge has extended their hours.

Beginning today, The Wobble Inn will be open until 9 pm.  They will open for lunch as ususal at 11 am. Dinner is served until 7.

Innkeep Morley Snostentruber says he is glad to be back to full waitstaff and mixologists.

"Boo Patrone is back behind the bar.  He introduced us to the popular Vermouth Neat last summer.  This year he has taught us how to mix the Miles of Smiles," said Morley.

"You'll grin all the way through Hill Street Blues," winked Boo.

The Wobble Inn is located at the crossroads of CR 9 and Pleasant Valley Drive. 

Local Pirate Radio Program Guide

FZNO has released their programming schedule for their first broadcast day.

"We'll offer a variety and see what locals want," said station manager Wilford "Will" Herforg.

8-ish.  sign-on

8-11.  Jukebox Favs.  Recorded music with Will Herforg who owns lots of cassettes.

11-noon.  Trade-waves. Call in, walk in or write in what you want to buy, sell, give away, barter, or dump on somebody else.

Noon - 1pm.  News & More. Business news, Agriculture News, Gossip, Weather, School news, romance advice with host: Suzy Kolber.

1-3.  Cooking with Kolber. Call in, walk in, or write in recipes and share cooking tips, food safety and coupon advice.

3-6. Drive Time Talk Show with Host Jonathon Terrycloth.  Call in, walk in, write in topics. No Politics, Religion, or talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers.

6 pm.  sign-off or jazz until last commercial is played.

Because KZNO is a pirate radio, you will have to search for it every two days on AM, FM, or Shortwave.  Instagram and Facebook broadcast might happen at a later date, according to Wilforg. "I'm still trying to understand this interweb thing," he said.

Drinking Enough?

Water.  A new report in Fortune says maybe we should examine our H2O intake. 

To make sure that having enough safe and good tasting water is available, The Fresno Bottling Company is making their 8 oz. bottles free to all township residents.

"Our artesian water comes from out of the rocks that were rolled into place by the glaciers.  That location is heavily guarded and buffered as protection from contamination," said CEO Millie Honkenberger.

Locals can get their weekly supply every Friday at the back loading dock.

Durante Doppelganger 

The National Jimmy Durante Doppelganger Hunt has finally declared a winner.

Leonard Schnozelheimer of Otsego, Ohio has been declared "the spittin image" of the famed Jimmy Durante.

"Always heard that, never saw it," said Schnozelheimer. "But, I'll take the $200 SportZone giftcard."

The Doppelganger Hunt Commission has announced that the next national hunt will be for the person that most looks like the sultry Tuesday Weld.

The  FresnOnion       

​Is sponsored by your local 

Bun and Run

Groundhog Day

Spring is right around the corner.  Fresno Freddie, the oldest living prognosticator, did not see his shadow when he emerged from his hole on Hotem's Lookout.

The tradition of Groundhog Day was going on long before the residents of Punxatawney started to grab the headlines.

A family from the small Pennsylvania town were at Thompsons Frog Gigging Camp one summer and heard about Fresno Freddie.

"Grandpa told me all about those Punxy guys hijacking our tradition," said Yul Hicks. "They even turned it into national attention. We surely don't want the cameras and lights here."

The only year Fresno Freddie was wrong was in 1977 when the sun was out for only two minutes - right at the moment he emerged. 

Greenhouses, farmers and golf courses plan their season based on today's prediction.

B & E Update:  Two days ago we reported a theft of the old metronome from Clete, the twin of Pete, Sweeney.

Turns out their little sister Reeney took it.

"I needed it at school, the one Mrs. Baird gave me broke," said Reeney.

Constable Trupe said, "Case closed. Not one for Dateline."

Wedding of The Century

An open invitation has been extended to one and all for this Saturday's Nuptials between Marjorie Taylor Ewbanks and Denton Truble Greene.

The famous 2-star Tie-dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic has been selected for this wedding that was nearly 75 years in the making. 

"We met in the fifth grade, dated briefly in high school and recently reconnected," said Marjorie.

The 85 year olds have planned a simple ceremony, but a huge party.  There will be an open buffet and open bar.  Zeke 'N Eddie will provide music.

The wedding ceremony is scheduled for 6:30.  Belmont Stakes post time is 6:49. Dinner will be served at 7:15.

"Yep, we'll watch the horse race on the big screen in the reception hall," noted Denton. "I never miss a triple crown race."

The bride says she will not take her new husband's last name though.

Hens on Schedule

   The recent cold snap of sub zero temperatures, coupled with the holidays, resulted in an egg production slowdown.

   But, local egg producer Pat Tee says the chickens are back on schedule.

   "They are back on schedule," she told this reporter. "We always expect the holiday slowdown, but it was cold too," she noted. "Plus, there wasn't any 'free range' about these eggs, the girls just didn't want to leave the house." 

Scottish Healing Stones

Available at all

Hoyt-Clagwell Tractor Dealers

Lecture Tonight

Peter Smedley, author of the unauthorized autobiography, Ironic Beard, will speak tonight at the Fresno Assembly Hall.

Smedley's talk will also be highlighted by a slideshow presentation of people's facial hair throughout the United States.

"I've travelled all 50 states for interviews and photo opportunities and the findings are equally disturbing and stunning," said Smedley.

Doors will open at 7 pm. Smedley will start when he feels his beard is clean enough.

Famous Hog Caller to Instruct

     It has just been learned that famous Hog Caller, Burton Deepsnor, will be in Coshocton for a one night only visit.

     "There is more than one way to call your hogs for feed." said Deepsnor.  "Along witht the traditional 'pigsooie' or 'pig,pig,pig,pig" I instruct a different way," he added.

     Burton has developed an 'extreme hog calling' technique that he will impart to all that are signed up for his seminar.  The $2,500 fee is tax deductible as a business expense and can be paid through paypal.

     The local pork producers association will host a chicken dinner afterwards.

Help Wanted

Hamilton's Home for Incorrigible & Elderly Horses has a rare job opportunity.

"We are looking for the right person that enjoys being around these magnificent creatures," said Syl Hamilton.

"I have 43,000 acres of rolling reclaimed stip mined land that has 22 lakes and 9 springfed streams," he added. "But I need help loading the old '74 international with feed sacks."

Syl's wife Myrna is in charge of processing the new arrivals.  She says they average about 3 horses a day.

See Syl soon if you want to work.

Hamilton's place is out on CR 2 across from Syl's Equine Cemetery.

RECALL Notice

The Stone Creek Sponge Company has announced a recall of their newest product.

"Our newest product that was developed by the boss' kid was a bad idea from the start," said VP Orin Hatchet.

"I mean a water resistant sponge??!! but nobody would listen to me." 

Hatchet says to return them to his office for a full refund and coupon. 

They are in the process of repurposing the sponges into childrens bathtub toys.

A Career Opportunity

This is the time of year that many high schools and vocational/technical institutions are conducting career days.

Some will graduate and go to college or the military while many look for jobs.

Shorty McGlone has announced that he has a very rare opening in his Stilt Walking class.  

McGlone, the world's foremost stilt walker, has been conducting instructional seminars for over twenty years.  His classes are booked full for the next ten, but a slot that has been filled for 8 years just opened up.

"It seems that Bubba Thorley will opt for the NFL," said McGlone.  "And that's probably a good thing seein as how he put on  200 pounds since his parents signed up up years ago. I really wasn't looking forward to watching that big boy on stilts."

Those interested in the coveted opening in McGlone's class are urged to submit a resume asap.

Durante

Lizzo with Pete behind her

Live   Music  Update

Jiggle the Handle, the surprisingly popular jug band from Fiat will be at the Panther Path this weekend.

'The Handle' is led by lead singer and Grammy winning jugster Big Mamma Maybe. 

"We've been looking forward to this road trip ever since it was booked in October," said Maybe

Critics say that the band really came into their own when they added the 2-string bass player Scooter Libbley.

The shows are described as audience participation (think Rocky Horror) meets a John Prine sing-a-long.

"We even do a Prine classic," said Big Mamma.

Jiggle the Handle will hit the Panther Path stage at 8 pm on Friday and Saturday night.  A 2 pm matinee is slated for Sunday. The Sunday Brunch is 11-2.

Relocation Efforts Paying Off

The East-Central Ohio Feline Relocation Project has been deemed a success.

According to Managing Director Carla Spackler, her office's job of moving cats from cities and villages out to the country is going well.

"Oh my yes, swimmingly well," declared Spackler.  "And county residents are finding out they have newfound pets for free!" she added.

Those who have a cat problem in their neighborhood can contact Carla on her F.O.F. (friends of felines) messageboard.  Search the interweb.

           Backyard cave has no dwellers

(Fresno, Oh)  After years of speculation, authorities have determined that the hillside cave does not have any homosapien occupants.  

    Thermal imaging, motion cameras and neighbor observations have helped make the official determination. 

Homeowner said, "that's a relief."

THE  Institute News

THE  Fuzzy Burky Institute for Young Men announces their summer class curriculum.

Each summer THE  Institute conducts classes on all things each young man should know as he begins his journey through the teens.

All classmembers must be twelve years of age in the calendar year.

This years classes:

  -How to bait a fishhook, fillet and pan fry

  -How to sharpen a knife with a whetstone (and keep most of your fingers)

  -How to walk your dog

  -How to escort old women across the street

  -How to light a firecracker

  -How to debate without using dirty words

  -How to work on a dairy farm without chewing tobacco

  -How to select the proper boot for each occassion (steel toe, round toe, or pointy toe)

  -How to tie a knot and which knot to use when

  -How to incorporate pork into every meal

More classes will be added as instructors are identified.

THE Institute classes will begin the first day of summer vacation at Burky Mansion (which is not haunted).

Local Restaurant Recognized.

Fortune Magazine just released another list.  This one from World's Best.  

A restaurant in Lima, Peru was named as the best in the world.  In fact the capital city had four in the top 50.

No. 2 was in Barcelona.

But The Top of The Rock, got honorable mention. The revolving night spot on top of Standing Rock, just outside of Pearl, was noted for their Pearl Valley Swiss curds. Local canadians give it two thumbs up.  eh?

Harry Pelvistein- Remembrance of a good man

          On this Thanksgiving Day, as we have ever since his passing, we fondly remember Harry Pelvistein.             

Harry was the Junior day-assistant, counter area, at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium in Nellie, OH.

     Every year on Thanksgiving Day, Harry would open the doors to Dirty Sal's and put out his traditional Holiday Buffet for the downtrodden.

     He would feed the poor, teach their children how wink out of both eyes, and the day would culminate with a magic show and burping contest.

     R.I.P. Harry...

Warhol Haus Has New Resident

This summer's Artist in Residence at the Warhol Haus has been selected.

"We are so very, very excited to reveal that Leif Blickensderfer will spend some of his creative time here in Fresno," said executive Director Bobbi Jo Stafford.

Blickensderfer is the world famous welder who hails from Stamford, Connecticut. His artistic creations are on display in many front yards in Stamford.  His award winning "Silhouette in Stainless" had to be moved from the airport because it reflected too much sunlight and blinded some pilots.

"I agreed to come to east-central Ohio because their local museum has a large exhibit of Blickensderfer typewriters," said Leif. "That's my heritage."

When asked about inspiration sources, Blickensderfer responded: "salvage yards and back alleys." 

The Warhol Haus was created by the Andy Warhol family after he passed away in 1987.  His relatives said he enjoyed summering in Fresno.

Cyclops Steel has agreed to donate their scraps.

Stapleton Sings Show Tunes

Chris Stapleton is one of the most popular singers today and he's branching out for new fans.

The Stapleton Sings Show Tunes musical revue is coming to the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carryout in Chili.

The usual standards of Cabaret, Oklahoma and The Impossible Dream of course will be featured," said musical director Carole Spackler.

"But, Big Spender from Charity and Try to Remember from The Fantasticks are real crowd pleasers," Spackler added.

Tickets for members go on sale tomorrow, open to the rest of you the following day.

The three day tour starts in Mifflinburg, Pennsylvania and ends in Tell City, Indiana.  Chili is the middle stop. Residents on CR 10 should keep all tractors and buggies off the road when the entourage comes to town.

Local resident Dame Christine Adger will open and act as MC. Adger is best know for her work as backstage refreshment coordinator in No, No, Nanette.

The Fifty Cent Jitney

The Kimbolton Athletic Club will be hosting a Jitney Supper this Friday.

Jitney, which is slang for a nickle, is now slang for fifty cents.

Those who attend will pay $.50 for a scoop of food.  The menu is wide and varied so bring an appetite, your own platter and lots of quarters.

KAC President Harold Carmichael says that you won't go home hungry. "We have this on a Friday so you have Saturday and Sunday to recover."

The proceeds will benefit The Kimbolton Hall of Fame Association.

Pepto and breath mints will be free of charge.

Project On Hold, Again

Local developer Honus Mercado has hit another roadblock in his effort to build a restaurant in Pearl.

His "Top of the Rock" rotating restaurant to be situated on top of Standing Rock is on hold yet again.

The AWMS Society (Americans with motion sickness) have filed for an injunction, halting construction. 

"They want to know how I'm gonna deal with those who suffer from motion sickness!" said Mercado.  "I said don't come if it makes you ill.  And I guess that was the wrong answer."

Issues with utilities, the A.D.A., parking and security have all been handled by Mercado.  His multi-million dollar project was expected to be completed by July.

The all-glass window surround would provide for spectacular views and not a bad seat in the house.

"I really wanted to be finished in time for the 4th of July Pearl Valley Fireworks," said Mercado.

Incident at Cooperdale High School

There was quite the ugly and uncomfortable incident in Cooperdale yesterday.

Cooperdale High senior Mindy LaRue got into what was described as "a quite heated and vulgar argument" with an A.I. Chatbot.

High School Principal Walt Williams: "It seems that during her final period study hall, Ms. LaRue started a voice text discussion with the artifical intelligence chatbot.  When she got answers to personal questions she didn't appreciate she got louder.  The more agitated Mindy got, the ruder the chatbot's responses.  We had to call her parents."

Counseling has been provided to all who witnessed the exchange.

It was agreed that LaRue's smartphone would be replaced by her original flip-phone.  Mrs. LaRue said she would wash Mindy's mouth out with soap.

Principal Williams said all teachers would examine the student's phones for inappropriate apps.

Super Bowl Notes

Scribbles from my notebook while covering Super Bowl LVII:

-Saw Pete and Clete Sweeney at a Glendale BBQ (Pete has put on weight, not as much as Clete tho).

-Saw Jennifer Lopez in my rearview mirror while getting Dunkin Donuts, some goofy guy waited on me.

-Chris Stapleton's agent confirmed that he will sing the National Anthem at the Fresno PTO Academic awards banquet.

-The Hoyt Clagwell Tractor commercial was a big hit.  "Very emotional" said one viewer.

-Cavallo Hillsiders head coach Weeb Ewbanks III was not named Football's Man of the Year. Dak Prescott was.

-I won the SB57 Parlay! 

   1-Would a holding call help determine the outcome of the game?

   2- If Terry Bradshaw would embarrass himself?

   3- If Gronk would miss the field goal left?

Parlay paid $56,789.12

-

Notice:  The New York City Library branch in Millwood will host another book signing event.

Cedric McQueafton's new novel: Silly Sicilian Syllables is the second in his Scrabble Trilogy.  The first installment entitled "Philo's Famous Fiasco" made it to #3 on the Waco Best-sellers list.

Mr. McQueafton is a graduate.

He will be in Millwood all week.

White Out Remover 

We all know that Bette Nesmith invented white out in 1956.  And we all know that Bette is the mother of Michael Nesmith of The Monkees.

What you probably didn't know is that Torrance Henderson invented the white out remover.  His patented process removes white out from old, typed documents.

Henderson, now retired and living  in New Bedford, says he invented the dissolving process out of necessity.

It seems his grand-daughter was using it on the computer screen.

FINALLY CAPTURED!

After decades of being on the lam, authorities have finally caught up with the "Wanted Man".

The subject of the 1969 Bob Dylan classic has been arrested and charged with at least 23 paternity suits.  His nationwide liasons are chronicled in the song made famous by George Thorogood.

According to the wanted man's attorney, Alex Haig, they expect more ladies to come forward as the word gets out.

Lucy Watson, Jeannie Brown and Nellie Johnson initially filed the first of it's kind, class-action paternity suit.  Juanita joined the suit 9 months later.

The Wanted Man's name is being witheld pending the notification of kin.

February       February       February       February       February       February       February       February       February

Author to Autograph

The New York City Library branch in Millwood will host another book signing event.

Reginald Blust has another 'How to' edition hitting the shelves this week.

His newest effort titled: How to Raise a Genius (when you aren't) will be available beginning Monday.

Blust will autograph his book all week from 8-10 am, and after his golf game in the evenings.

Blust is renowned for his best-seller: How to Line Up Your 4th Putt (on flat greens).

New Voices for Driving Directions

     It has been announced that Garman/Siri/and Mapquest have hired new voices for their driving instruction Apps.

     Drivers will have the choice of either Phyllis Diller or Lewis Black to assist them in finding their destinations.

     "It is believed that the men will choose Diller and the women will choose Black because they remind them of their spouses," said Lum Purdie, President of Voices for All Occasions, Inc. 

     "When told where to go, it's always easier to accept when coming from familiar attitudes," Purdie concluded.

Award Winning Mullein Found in Fresno

(Tucamcari, NM) The National Mullein Growers Association held their annual convention recently at the Blue Swallow Motel in Tucamcari, New Mexico.

     A beautiful broad leaf Mullein from central Ohio was awarded  the coveted Silver Sorrel Trophy.  Upon receiving the hardware, a Fresno man said, "I thought we had a chance this year, I didn't want to come all this way to get second again."

Sweeneys at Muirfield

It has been a whirlwhind week for the Sweeney twins.  

Just last week they were in attendence at the Indianapolis 500.  Clete got hit with a flying lugnut, and Pete was overserved.

This week Clete has been tasked with holding the shotracker behind the first teebox.

Pete has been hired as personal assistant to Jack Nicklaus.  

Sunday night they had to New York for the week of party before the Belmont Stakes.

Blue Check Mark, or Not?

Local social media influencer Nannie Mae Wellington is all up in arms about Twitter's Blue check mark.

"I'll not pay any amount of money to prove I am the real, verified or authorized Nannie Mae Wellington!" declared Nanne Mae Wellington.

"If somebody wants to take my name and pretend to be me, they'll be surely sorry," she threatened.

Wellington has been influencing locals for years on where to shop, eat, vacation and drink; what to listen to, watch and read.

"Not sure what this Musk guy is thinking," Nannie Mae concluded.

Wellington who is 78 years old has over fifty followers.

Big Sale Does Not Include One Item

With this week's announcement that Bed, Bath and Beyond was filing for bankruptcy, comes word of their nationwide clearance sale.

But that does not include everything in the store according to local store manager Jasper Smarlingburg.

"We just can't include the Beyond.  All bedding like sheets and blankets, all bath items like towels and shower caps, stuff like that are marked below cost.  But, I just can't include the Beyond in the sale.  There is such a demand and such a limited supply of Beyond that it's just not good business," Smarlingburg insisted.

"But I won't mark  the Beyond up and be accused of gouging either," Jasper noted.

Get some Beyond soon he encouraged.

New Business for East Central Ohio

(Stillwater, OH) There is a new tow-truck and vehicle transportation service in our midst.  

Rex Galore has bought a fairly new rollback and a vintage tow truck. 

"I have been in so many ditches over the years, I just decided next time I can call myself," he said. 

"actually I will call my wife SuzyBelle, but you know what I mean."

Galore is known far and wide for his inability to 'keep it between the ditches.'

It'll Be a Mini-Series

From the category of "You just can't make this stuff up" comes the real life stories of romance on a garbage truck.

Regional trash haulers that are employed by Toss'N-Haul are finding love at work.

"We had not one, not two, but 9 weddings coming from co-workers here at Toss'N-Haul," said supervisor Mikey Kimbleton. 

"Our teams are made up of one driver, usually female, and one male to collect the curbside trash," Kimbleton noted.

The nine romances were portrayed in a best-selling paperback last year titled Don't Dump Him, He's a Keeper and will now be adapted to a mini-series on local cable channel 88.

David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra and Jason Momoa have been inked to starring roles.

Alert!!!!      A Flash, Pop-up Ramble will happen tonight at McCrea's Party Barn. The popular blue-grass jam band, Inconspicous Disguise will be there.

Drinks and instrument tuning begin at 7.

Another "Incident"

(Winesburg, OH)  There has been another industrial accident involving the railroads.

The Beachy Ball-Bearing Company has reported that they accidently overloaded a rail car with their #5 ball-bearings.  When the shipment got about a half mile from the plant, the sides burst.

"Yea, we've had a minor incident with the March shipment of #5's," said Malcolm N. Middleton the intern in charge of shipping and receiving.  "Somebody got jelly on the shipping orders and I wasn't sure of the tonage."  

Company President Arliss Beachy said the company will pay a nickle per bearing.  There are about 3.2 million bearings to be picked up. 

"Our extra expense will be about $160,000 if all bearings are found, plus the cost of buckets and pizza for the finders.  That intern is costing us money every month.  In February he ran the front end loader into the office building," said a frowning Beachy. "Our receptionist, Betty CurVette is still on leave. She was quite shaken."

More Than A Fad?

Without rhyme nor reason trends and fads just happen.

Remember the cabbage patch doll, the pet rock, the pot-bellied pig, the trailer trash barbie or the slinky?  Kids and adults alike all had to have or collect one.

This year it seems that everyone wants a Mexican Penguin.  They are in such high demand that there are now knockoffs.  

Ernesto O'Malley, spokesman for the Mexican Penguin Cartel, says to be sure and register your penguin. And, only buy from a reputable broker.

"There is too many characters that have brought opprobrium to my industry," said O'Malley.  "Make sure your penguin is authenticated with papers."

O'Malley went on to say if you are lucky enough to procure a Mexican Penguin, please feed it  properly.

"I don't want to endorse one brand, but I feed mine fresh Arthur Treacher Fish N Bits," said Ernesto.

New Law, Lost Jobs

Oregon just repealed the law prohibiting a 'pump your own gas' station.

Thousands have joined the unemployed ranks.  "It's the only job I ever had, said 76 year old Remondre Arbuckle.

After 72 years of being asked "filler up?" "check the oil?" and having your tire pressure checked and windows washed, Oregonians can do it themselves.  

85 year old ladies are not pleased.

New Jersey is the only state now that prohibits 'pump your own gas'. Probably a Soprano thing.

Game Show Trifecta

"I've never been this lucky!" said Preston C. Sill. "I was hopin' to just get into the audience."

Sill was on vacation recently when he decided to purchase a ticket for the Price Is Right game show.  They called his name and he went on down.  

"I did not know the price of the electric carving knife, heck I never even seen one," he said.

But his fun didn't end there.  He just sat around and they changed sets and the Wheel of Fortune game came in the studio next.  He was selected to compete there too!  No luck for Preston as he didn't know the price of canned beans. "I did not know the price of canned beans, heck I grow my own."

But, the big news is that later that day Sill was selected to participate in the Celebrity Dating Game.  He won a date with Kathy Kinney (Mimi on the Drew Carrey Show).

"I didn't know who she was, but she liked the way I answered her question on the perfect 'first date meal and desert'," grinned Cecil. 'Mimi, uh Kathy, said she'd come visit me out on County Road 2 this summer." 

The show's producer, Mary Hart, said the look on each other's face when they saw each other for the first time was "Priceless.  They are a visually stunning couple."

Cotillion Classes to Start

     The Tuscarawas Valley Chapter of The Polite Ohio Society has announced that their annual dance and manners classes will begin after the holidays.

     The 6 month series of instruction will cover all areas of proper manners and dance.

     Graduates will learn table manners, how to use proper grammar (since schools don't bother), how to dance with a partner and hand holdin'.

     "My youngin' don't speak no hoopie no more.  He talks like tv people," said Howard Creekbottom. "You'uns done real good with that one. I'm sendin his sistur this year."

     The Presentation Ball will again be held July 1 at the Winfield Ballroom and Bait Store.

     Registration forms are available everywhere civil people congregate.

Famous 2.7 Star Resort to Open Soon

     A recent press release this summer has announced that the famous Tie'Died Lotus Resort  will open soon in Baltic, Ohio.

     The Lotus  sometimes gets an 'ok' google review and local GM Honus Swartzenbuckle said, " we hope to do OK  too."

     "We will feature the usual resort stuff," said Swartzenbuckle, "but will have some different stuff too," he added. "The salt brine soak is a real people pleaser."

     The menu will feature fried bologna, fried tomatoes, fried eggs & ham, fried cheese and fried fries.  But Honus is especially excited introduce Chef Milton's famous deep-fried oatmeal tart.

     Watch this space for grand opening announcements.

5 C News

The Conesville Collectors Club of Coshocton County will hold their Annual Show on February 25th.

This exhibition and swap meet will feature some of the finest collections of matchbooks, matchbox cars, rolling pins, buttons,  handkerchiefs, and string.

The show will be held in the Conesville Grange Hall. 

"If someone has a collection of something and want to display, by all means contact me or my husband, Paul," said Club President Pauline Poorstream.  

in past years there have been collections of cut nails, pipe wrenches and bottle caps.

"That collection of pocket knives was a hit last year, but the collector moved to Kilgore,"  Pauline added.

The 5-c used to be known as the Pentagon Club, but the government made them change their name.

Space rental is $10, free for children.

editors note:  since this story broke, Mikey Stern has agreed to show his marble collection.  And comes word that JaMar Roberson will display his bucket collection.

Beagles Be Dancin' !

The Strasburg State Screeching Beagles punched their card to the big dance last night with a thrilling victory over the Tyndal Institute of Technology.

The contest wasn't decided until the 4th overtime when Colin Sardonicus hit a half-court shot at the buzzer.

The Screeching Beagles completed a double, 'worst to first' campaign with the 21-18 win.

Not only did the Beagles finish last season as the worst team in the Mid Valley League, they finished this season as the worst team, but won the  league's tournament championship.  

The previously undefeated Tyndal Tech Itchy Turtles will watch March Madness from home. 

Internships At Casino

The Wakatomika Casino and Day-Care Complex has announced their summer internship program.

David Cassidy, VP of Personnel, says that there are many opportunities for local youth.

"We have, as in the past, many opportunities," said Cassidy.

High School seniors and college age alike will be taught how to shuffle cards, deal from the bottom, mark cards, wash and stack poker chips, sanitize dice, throw dice, rake dice, and repair slot machines.

The handsome and pretty will be instructed in the fine art of serving drinks, fetching chips, craps & roulette cheerleading, and encouraging "one more pull this one is ready to hit."

"Those interested in the care of others will be schooled on the nurturing of children and the elderly," continued Cassidy.

Applications can be found at: www.loseyourcashnowatwakatomika.com

Coshocton Will Be The Hub

A press release over the weekend announced that Coshocton International Airport will be the hub for Flybe Airlines.

Flybe CEO, Horace Grantmaster, said Coshocton is the perfect landing spot for their relocation.

"We've been searching for a couple of years now and the site selection team settled on Coshocton.  And, I emphisize this:  we are very pleased with the local embrace of our move."

Flybe will offer non-stop flights to Lake Nipissing, Ontario, both Ocean Citys (New Jersey and Maryland), both Long Beaches (North Carolina and California), Apalachicola, FL and Portsmouth, Ohio. 

Special charters are also available for large golf groups to Myrtle Beach, Scotland, and Zoar.

Pond Assistance

The Federal Pond Bureau has announced that they will be placing their best man here.

The recognizeable Les Izmore will now staff the local office.   The famous pondologist has published many brochures on the subject of ponds.

"It is my understanding that this county's ponds have just gone to heck," said Izmore.  "This place just might be the source of brochure #3!"

Getting office space, finding a desk & chair, and cell service is his first priority.  

"Once I'm open I'll start to receive samples of your pond scum," Les said.

To avoid cross contamination of a sample it is advised that a clean, sanitized baby food jar  be used.  Once the scum has been captured, use masking tape to wrap and label.  

Scarborough Set for Appearance Change

     Joe Scarborough, the ambidextrous guitar player and husband of the lovely and curvaceous Mika Brzezinski, will now part his hair on the other side.  The new look will begin Monday.  

     It should also be noted that Scarborough also has a tv show: Morning Joe on MSNBC that has dozens of viewers. 

     "I've always wanted to do this.  Thanks to Mika for standing by me," he said

Annual Visit Coming Up

The yearly visit to our region by Turtles, Inc will take place next week.

Ron Nottingham is all things turtle.  He looks like a turtle, moves as slow as a turtle and loves turtles.

He will have turtles to adopt, pet and will take donations.

"Mom started calling me 'turtle' when I was late getting to the supper table," said Ron.

"Our merchandise trailor is full.  This year I am featuring the all new logo'd turtle neck.  That along with the best sellers of tee shirts and bracelets" he concluded.

The Turtles, Inc tour stop will be at the Wakatamika Civic Center this year.  Last year's host, Wills Creek Theater was fired after serving turtle soup.

The interview ended with his patented slogan: Slow Down, partner

A Major Literary Discovery

Petey Brown, local book collector, recently came home from a Franklin County estate sale with a boxload of books.

"I really bought the box because it had a first edition of a James Thurber classic My Life and Hard Times. I always loved The Night the Bed Fell (on father)."

"The book had been covered with a homemade leather bookcover that was deterioriating," said Brown. When I took the cover off, that's when I found it!"

What Petey found was a handwritten short story by Thurber titled: The Weekend My Calico Ate  Great Aunt Thelma's Yellow Rumped Warbler.

"Everyone at The Thurber House has been calling me wanting it donated," said a perplexed Brown. "I collect. If I give it to them, I won't have it in MY collection then."

Petey said he would scan it and post it online though.

Kentucky Derby Headgear

As everyone knows, this is Derby Week. And, as everyone knows there are parties everywhere.

Cleland's Hats For All Occassions has a large selection of hats for men and women who are attending the Derby or local Derby parties.

Juan and Roxy Cleland opened their habadashery/millinery eleven years ago. They say this town has been very supportive. 

"This is our 'black Friday'," says Roxy, "it's our biggest cash week of the year."

Cleland's is open extended hours until Saturday at noon, and always by appointment.

"Yea, we are out of here at noon, because we're attending the Sweeny Soiree. Wouldn't miss it," said Juan.

.Highway Beautification

Local High School art teacher Chester McFobbley has just been awarded The Lady Bird Johnson Highway Beautification Grant.

"We're going to paint a mural                on the concrete dividers out                  on US 36," explained McFobbley.          "It will be an historic timeline of our county on the north side of the wall. The students will divide up the southside space and avant garde will be the theme there."

The longstanding grant, also known as "Lady Bird's Law," stems from the time of President Lyndon Johnson.  The purpose was to control  outdoor advertising, junkyards, landscaping, and promote scenic enhancement of federal-aid highways.

"The students will start middle of the month.  We'll prime first, so drive slowly in the area," said Chester. 

The grant total was $1.36 million.

New Food Truck Coming

Arlene Bennettendi has announced that she has purchased a used food truck from the West family.

"I will offer something new and unique to this region," said Arlene.

"I did some research and found out that no one offers Honduran Tacos or Malta Malt Shakes," she added.

Bennettendi will import malted milk powder made from the goat's milk on the tiny islands just south of Sicily.

Her food truck, which was a fixture at county fairs, will be repainted and repurposed.  

"I will also feature fresh cut fries," Arlene concluded.

You can book Arlene for your special events by contacting her on MySpacePage.

What A Gala !

The Met Gala was held last evening in New York City.

The red carpet at The Metropolitan Museum of Art featured a dress code honoring Karl Lagerfeld.

It is surprising what people wear.

But more surprising was seeing Pete Sweeney escorting Lizzo.  That skinny guy actually dresses up nicely.

"I was originally going to ask Clete Sweeney this year, but he's put on a little weight (translation: a lot of weight), and seating would've been uncomfortable," said Lizzo, so I had Pete sub in.

Shop Re-opens

You can't say he didn't give it a try.

After taking a year off to hone his game and try the Senior PGA, Maury T. Stein is back in town.

M.T. thought he was good enough to make a living playing golf, but alas it wasn't to be.

"I just couldn't make enough chips and putts," said MT. "So i'll open the fix-it shop again.

MT Stein's Fix-It Shop will open on Monday.  He specializes in toaster repairs. 

SeaWorld to Franchise

The tourism industry got a big boost yesterday.  SeaWorld has announced that they will issue franchises to worthy communities.

Coshocton has won the rights to the first project.  Each project will be "geographic specific." 

"This means that the locale will determine what is on display," said Bernadine Smigelski, local coordinator. 

"Our tanks will feature carp, catfish, rock bass, sunfish, bluegills and tadpoles," quipped Smigelski. "Even though they are not in our rivers anymore, I'm even trying to get a dugong!"

"When's the last time an inner city kid saw a tadpole or a dugong?"she asked. "This will really increase our tourism."

Site location in Coshocton as well as construction details have yet to be determined.

Herons Here

The Columbus Dispatch recently reported that The Blue Heron can be found in all 88 counties of Ohio.

Local bird watcher Gilbert Smitley says that is true.

"If you are truly interested in watching these things, then sneak into the upper basin of The Mighty White Eyes Creek." Smitley advised.

"I even saw a Reddish Egret last week," Gilbert exclaimed, "I posted the video on myfacespace page."

World'S Largest Grapevine 

4-H Club to Perform

     The Wakatamika Saddles and Songbook   4-H Club will perform their famous Fieldance this Spring. 

     The Fieldance entitled "Don't Fence Me In" will feature the choreographed pony dance all the while their mounts sing the popular Cole Porter song.  

     The Club will interpret (as best as they can) the version we all know that was best performed  by Leon Russell and Willie Nelson. Some clubmembers voices are changing, so a little compassion is expected and appreciated.

     This Spring's Fieldance will take place in Powell's field.

Contact any clubmember for tickets.

Golf Invitational Returns to Region

   After years of hosting his yearly clambake on the west coast, Joe Walsh has decided to return to the Lake Lila Country Club.

   This yearly golf tournament is wildly popular as just about every touring musician puts the calendar date on their schedule.

   "I would like to thank the fine people at Carmel Municipal Golf Course for their hospitality, but it's time to come home," said the legendary guitar player.

   "I know Carmel doesn't have much money, but the greens were awful and we always had a backup at the turn. We outgrew the 9-hole layout   I know Lake Lila will be a major upgrade," continued Walsh.

   Joe Bonamassa, 2022 Champion will again defend his title.  He's won three of the last 4 years, losing only to Tab Benoit in 2020. Past champions also entered are Joe Satriani, Warren Haynes, David Gilmour, Carlos Santana and Lester 'Roadhog' Moran.

   The tournament will be held June 9-11, with the benefit concert after Saturday's round.  Sunday the 12th is 'recovery day'. 

   "I learned years ago, that after the Saturday Night party, we just weren't worth a darn on Sunday...." laughed Joe.

Destination:  Brora

Local travel agent  Bumpy Rutherford has recently announced that he now features golf vacations to Brora, Scotland.

"Yeppers, we've put together a stay and play package with the Brora Golf Club," said Rutherford.

The trip also features late afternoon tours - with samples- of the Brora Distillery.

Golf groups will fly out of Coshocton International Airport and five stops later, land in Scotland.  An overnight bus ride from Scrabster to Brora will have you on the links by noon.

Bumpy says to travel light:  a carryon and your golf clubs only.

Support Group to Meet

The Central Ohio Junk Collectors Support Group will meet Sunday afternoon at 2 pm.

The monthly meeting will be held in the basement of The Hanover Episcopal Church on 41st Street.

The meeting is open to anyone who deals with disapproving frowns, comments or threats over their passion to collect.

Reference material, trained counselors, legal aid and beer will be available.

Next month's meeting is scheduled for the gymnasium at the Lower VFW in Coshocton.

Spouses and significant others of junk collectors will have a junkanon meeting in the next room.

July             July                 July             July

The Sweeneys to The Open

    The month of July is always an exciting time for Pete and Clete Sweeney.

    They spend a couple of weeks in Great Britain attending The Scottish Open and The (British) Open.

    This year The Scottish is at The Renaissance Club in Haverdale.  Again they will be posting impressions and pictures on their MySpacePage. 

    On the Monday/Tuesday following they will be playing the course for The Media Championship.

    Clete, who has put on weight, has been granted a special exemption to take a riding buggy.

    Then it is on to The Open at Royal Liverpool.

    The boys depart this Friday.  If you have any used balls to donate, they tend to lose a lot in the gorse/bramble/barranca/fescue.

Crafters Monthly

The latest edition of Crafters Monthly should be hitting the news stands any day now.

This month's edition focuses on re-purposing everyday throw-away items.

Many pages are devoted to the re-use of thread spools, bread wrapper twisties, broken rubber bands, wrapping paper tubes (with a couple of paragraphs on TP tubes), lint roller handles, and suspenders.

Curly Croft is the publisher of Crafters Monthly and hopes to have another edition out this summer.

Local Celebrity in NYC

Cable Channel 88-FZNO entertainment correspondent Bernie Cahoun will host the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show this week.

Cahoun, who is also the music director at Bakersville elementary, will be filling for Stewart Johnson.  Johnson was involved in the NBA All-star festivities and is now spending a month at the Foster Brooks Rehab facility. 

Cahoun said he is excited for the opportunity, but is saddened by Johnson's slip. 

"You know you're in a bad way when Charlie Sheen is invited to your intervention," noted the local celebrity.

The Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show airs at 2:30 am on Hulu.

Gomer Hillroy, W.Va.

WORD

​Use These Words Today - Vol. 4

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has announced this month's  list of words for reintroduction to our daily lexicon.

"We just think this new list of words shouldn't be forgotten," said club president Wilomena Levengood. "We've noticed last month's list has shown up in the media," she added.

This Month's Words:

1. Gaffe

2. Lout

3. Copius

4. Comport

5. Jovial

Last Month's Words:
1.Bumfuzzle
2.Leastways
3.Glum
4.Avuncular
5.Thwart

January Words:
1. Snollygoster
2. Throttlebottom
3. Besotted
4. Vestige
5 Hornswaggle

December's Words:
1. Gaggle
2. Betroth
3. Caper
4. Ruffian
5. Kablooey

Watch this space monthly (the 21st day) for more suggestions of words you should use when calling the talk show, or talking with your obnoxious cousin.

The Good Life

The Columbus Dispatch recently released a report on the top 150 best cities in which to reside.

Six Ohio cities were listed.

The story did not include the secondary survey results of the 'best villages if you prefer small town life' category.

Fresno came in at Number 2!  Second only to Marfa, Texas.  This is the fifth year for Marfa's No. 1 ranking.

Local Fresno resident Tiger Pepperelli said, "I like living here," when told of the news.

Liven Up Your Next Party

We've all been there, at a party that had no joy.  A group of guys talking politics, a group talking about the Browns draft, a huddle of women asking "who brought the dip?" while they are all looking at you and laughing.

Well now you can hire Fun Bobby to attend!

Bobby will entertain with jokes, humorous life stories, and improv with your guests.

His $1300 appearance fee includes travel expenses, food and lodging BUT NOT beverage.  You will want to stock everything. You will also pay for his uber, he's not allowed to drive anymore.

Fun Bobby For Hire is the answer to your next get-together to assure that your friends won't go home saying: "well that was a waste of time."

Retirement News

(Bakersville, OH)  The Bakersville Chalk Company recently held a retirement banquet for their longtime quality control chief. 

     Skip Toumalou called it a career after 72 years.

     "With the schools no longer writing on chalkboards, the pandemic, and general disinterest in chalk, I can see a downsizing coming," said Toumalou.  "I just figured to get out while I had my health," the 90 year old continued.  

     In a 1975 interview published in Chalk Times, Skip said he was most proud that the chalk produced on his watch was white.  

     Toumalou and his eleventh wife, SharonJean, will embark on a much needed vacation to Yellow Springs for a party with Chappelle.

A Record Setting Year

February 15th.  The day after Valentines day is traditionally the largest divorce filing day of the year.  And, this past date set an all time record.

According to Milford Brimlet, The American Esquire head statistician, more divorces were requested this year than any other time in recorded history.

Top reasons for a divorce:

-all I got were flowers

-all I got were chocolates

-all I got was a giant teddy bear

-all I got was costume jewelery

-all I got was underalls

-all I got was a cheesburger from the bowling alley

-all I got was a book on The Adkins Diet

-all I got was a gift card to a beauty salon

-all I got was a card that wasn't even funny

-all I got was a bottle of his favorite vodka

-all I got was a gift certificate to a pawn shop

-all I got was a bucket of driving range balls

-all I got was "...oops, I forgot."

Feud Solution

After years of feuding over property lines, Leo Tallstoy will move his barn, which is three feet on Martha McGuire's property.

"We'll have what is known as a "razing,raising" said Leo.

Tallstoy has hired the Gerber Boys Construction Company from Mt. Hope to raze the 200 year old barn.  Then the traditional 'barn raising' will take place complete with three open-fire meals each day.

The whole effort will be captured by local filmaker Coody Holder and air at a later date on cable channel 88-FZNO.

Spectators will be required to watch from at least 50 feet, as the boys will need to move ladders.

"It has been a prolonged and bitter quarrel," said McGuire, " I'm pleased the old coot finally saw the light."

"Bite Me" responded Tallstoy.

It should be noted that the two octogenarians have dated since 1975.

ElderSpeak

As a person ages it is sometimes difficult to find the right words.

The Shady Bend Performing Arts Center (P.A.C.) has just announced that Peter "Red" Meijers has been inked to lecture locals next Friday.

The world famous motivational speaker will address conversation starters, filling the dead space, and discourse enders for the elderly.

"Sometimes when the ole boys are just sitting around they don't know what to say," said Meijers. 

" 'Looks like rain' , or 'changin the oil in the Hoyt-Clagwell tractor' won't continue the conversation," added Red.

Additionally when you want to go home Meijers will suggest ways to add a final comment, get up and leave.

Tickets are on sale everywhere Depends are sold.

Male Dog Manners

Archie's Dog House has announced that another session of obedience classes for male dogs has been scheduled.

"This will be the 11th time I've offered these sessions," said Archie Manningham. "Word of mouth about how it works even got me on Animal Planet."

Archie's results will train your male canine companion to:

*know when to lift a leg or squat

*when to "go" on the other side of the house

*how to get his own stick

*how to politely "sniff"

and, to lick a face only when given permission.

Chance To Expand Hours

Cyrus Chance's Sharpening Service has announced expanded hours.  

"We'll be open from 11 in the morning to 2 pm now," said Chance.  "I'm adding that extra half hour cause it seems folks are wanting to drop their implements off. I'll open a bit earlier, but I need to be out by 2 cause we have a tee time at 2:30 everyday."

Cyrus says the warm weather has everyone thinking spring.  

"I will sharpen just about anything, but I specialize in sickles, scythes and shears," Chance noted.

Chance's Sharpening is located out on Adamsville Parkway, just past the dead persimmon, before the casino turnoff.

Help Wanted

The International Paperclip Company in Dellroy is looking for another employee.

"We are adding a second shift and want someone to work," said plant manager DelRay MeSo.  

The successful candidate for this job must be able to get to work, possess a complete understanding of 'on/off' switches, and a respect for wire cutters.  A history of working with wire is also helpful.

MeSo said that a 2-day apprenticeship with the first shift wirebender is required.

Applications can be picked up by seeing Myrna Loy the receptionist.