Excluded, Part II
It seems yesterday's story about the very, very exclusive local Lake Lila Golf and Country Club hit a nerve.
Most voicemails, texts, and instaDMs here in the fresnOnion newsroom were negative.
"snobs", "arrogant *%&^$", and "hoity,toity" were commonly used.
However, alert reader Steve, who plays a lot of golf and has a nice truck, asked about the procedure to become a member.
While we can't divulge everything on the membership committee's checklist, we can offer some advice.
If you are invited to be considered, you will first be asked to play eighteen holes with three members.
In the past gentlemen were rejected for wearing knickers, acting like Chi Chi when they made a putt, playing with Ram Accubars and their bag was rectangular and plaid.
Others were removed from consideration because they did not buy a round after playing, used vulgar language in front of the lady on the beverage cart, and did not fix their divots in the fairway or pitch marks on the greens.
It is not advisable to talk politics, religion or disparage Red Meyers - a founding member.
Finally, you must be a member of another golf club, have a letter of recommendation and be asked to join Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.
One doesn't apply.
The Next Chapter
So LeBron is not going back to the Lakers.
What do you do when you've done it all?
That's the question to which we think we have found the answer.
One of our interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom has a cousin who lives next door to the cleaning lady that works in LeBron James' agent's office tower.
While dusting and emptying trash cans, the cleaning lady overheard LeBron tell Rich Paul, his agent, that he's going to be the basketball coach at the Burger Rock One Room Schoolhouse.
"They have three freshmen, one sophomore, two juniors and one senior," said LeBron. "And one of those freshmen is so close to where I was when I was his age it's amazing."
We here in the newsroom have been working the phones for the past 24 hours, but can't get anyone to talk 'on the record'. And we are particular about which rumors we do publish.
We have documented that Burger Rock plays their home games at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall, just down the lane.
We also found out that the head coach's job is open because long-time coach Cal Maguire has retired to help babysit his great-grandchildren.
We also found out that a building permit has been issued to Burger Rock LSD for an "assembly-type hall" on their property.
We also have it on pretty good authority that the cleaning lady overheard LeBron telling his wife: "you'll learn to love living there..."....wherever "there" is.
Watch this space for more on this developing story.
More 'Bron
If you accept the idiom "where there's smoke, there's fire" or "if there's a crack, there's light" or "a nod is as good as a wink, to a blind horse", then this LeBron to Burger Rock whisper might be true!
Our tip line here in the fresnOnion newsroom is smokin'.
It seems that yesterday's story about LeBron, in his "pursuit of total happiness", is next in line to be the head coach at the famous Burger Rock One Room Schoolhouse.
The three incoming freshmen are the big draw. Also, the BR Alumni Association has raised over 200 million dollars to help entice Mr. James to accept the role and keep the young talent from leaving.
Our tip line also revealed that the cleaning lady that overheard the conversation between LeBron and his agent about moving back to Ohio is now a contributor at Morning Joe on MS Now. Her segment with Willie Geist, titled 'BronWatch, will air each morning at 6:30.
Stay tuned, we're trying to separate the wheat from the chaff.
July July july July July
Finally!!!!
We here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion don't think we've ever used 4 exclamation marks in a headline before, but this one deserves it.
The Championship game of the The Socky Lovell League finally ended late Saturday afternoon.
What started as a Thursday game between The Tyndall Treetop Flyers and The Pearl Jams was suspended after six innings and resumed Friday afternoon all tied at 22 runs each.
Six innings later and the game still tied at 42, the game was suspended again.
Then late Saturday Archibold Hambleton tossed a shutout, shut 'em down inning to secure the title for The Pearl Jams by a score of 62-60.
The marathon was unique in that it saw each team either scoring the same amount of runs in every inning or not scoring at all. Each team had 8 hits.
"So proud of my guys as they endeavored to persevere," said Jam manager Bobby Valentino.
"I acknowledge that we didn't win," said a bitter Treetop Flyer manager, Burl Weaver, "But those guys play dirty."
"I do agree with the new seeding metric that was used to set up the brackets this year. Otherwise we would've played The Jam in the semi-finals instead of the big game," Weaver noted.
The league, for those aged 80+, allows for substitutions and re-entry at any time. This rule really makes a scorebook look like a 3-year old's scribble pad.
Final Regular Season Standings:
Eastern Division
1. Wolf Choppers 7-1
2. Gilmore Longnecks 6-2
3. Otsego Raildogs 3-5
4. Peoli Black Buggies 0-8
Western Division
1. Pearl Jam 8-0
2. Tyndall Treetop Flyers 6-2
3. Chili Skyliners 2-6
4. Fresno Chieftains 0-8
We'll have more insight on the historic battle tomorrow. Watch this space.
Lunch With Hap
One of our astute and promising interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom heard a whisper yesterday afternoon.
After numerous phone calls and using a lot of our "good will chips" we were able to confirm that Hap Shaughnessy will be passing through the neighborhood today.
Hap will be having lunch at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium out on the bypass.
"Hap is a good friend, we go way back to our 'off the grid, under the radar and covert days' that we don't or can't speak of," says Sal.
Hap says he will gladly break bread with any locals that stop in for a slice, but warns that some topics are off limits.
Hap notes that is because he's been 'activated' yet again and this visit is not just a ploy to get a free calzone from his buddy Salvatore.
Shaughnessy will probably show up at noon.
Freebie
Snuffy Waldorf called and wanted us to remind everyone that he was still in business. (editor's note: Snuff never wants to buy an ad to promote his business. He says there's no proof that it works).
Snuffy said that his Texaco ".... still offers full service to his customers, something you don't find hardly anywheres else!"
Along with pumping gas, cleaning the windows, emptying the ashtray, checking the brake lights, complimenting the missus, he now has ODOT Approved free air for the tires!
Waldorf's Texaco is located out on the old state route that was abandoned when the new one was built in 1962.
Recognition
A local man has received the highest recognition ever bestowed by the International Spleenwort Appreciation Society.
Spleenwort is the fern that grows out of the crack in a rock.
The S.A.S. recently came to town to present their "Most Noble Cultivator" certificate to the elderly gentleman.
S.A.S. International President, Mariam Poppycoddle, says "to not only see one, but a healthy collection in such a small area was extremely exciting."
"I thought they were worthy of at least an honorable mention, but never did I ever think I'd get the "Most Noble" award," said the ole boy.
With the certificate award, which is printed on high end copy paper and is suitable for framing, he also gets a year's supply of alfalfa sprouts at Piggly Wiggly, as well as a $17 gift card for Charmin TP.
After the committee of eleven wrapped up their on-site presentation and photo session, they went to Wooly Pig to drink beer before flying home to Rhosllanerchrugog, which is just south of Wrexham, which is just south of Liverpool.
Another Closure
A hastily called news conference yesterday resulted in the abrupt closing of The Fresno Corn Flake Company.
The FCFC is a locally family owned business that started in 1920.
"The revenuers forced us into that line of production," says Ernest Harwell,III, FCFC CEO.
"Grandad had a good thing going but the Anti-Saloon League and other meddlesome ladies stopped him from making corn mash moonshine."
Ernie's wife Hildamaye went every year to the Battle Creek Sanitarium. She always talked about Dr. Kellogg's breakfast cereal. Ernie says she always came home with a better disposition than when she left, too.
So Ernie kept growing corn and started making corn flakes instead of "hooch".
"We just can't compete with the big company any more," noted the third Ernie. "They advertise and have a chicken logo on their box that everybody recognizes. I mean what does a chicken even have to do with corn flakes anyways?"
All 459 employees will receive a month's pay as severance.
Interesting note: The Anti-Saloon League was started here in Ohio by Hildamaye's sister, Marthamaye, whose husband was a drunken womanizing gambler with dirty fingernails.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom recommend that you watch the movie: The Road to Wellville for more insight on the Battle Creek Sanitarium
What: The East-central Ohio Tricenarian Speed Dating Night
When: Friday July 24th
Where: Windchasers Dance Club, Dover
Who: Anyone who is single and in their 30's
Why: you really have to ask?
Foodie News
Whenever news breaks about food, we report it. Afterall, grabbing a bite to eat five times a day surely breaks up a boring day.
We here at the fresnOnion are very pleased to report that Bjorn Clinton has announced, that after acquiring and rehabbing the heretofore shuttered root beer stand, he's opened an Icelandic hot dog stand: Clinton's Best Around had a soft opening last week.
"A few years ago we took a golf vacation to Iceland and discovered that they have a national hot dog stand!" Bjorn proclaimed.
"Even my cousin Bill had one while he was there for some odd reason. He just wanted one with ketchup and mustard only, they thought that was different, so they named it after him."
Bjorn says he will only offer the plain all lamb sausage/hot dog (you can put your own condiments on) or the traditional
"eina með öllu" (pronounced eye-nah meth uth-loo), which translates to "one with everything". That one comes with:
Raw white onions and crispy fried onions
Sweet brown mustard (pylsusinnep)
Special apple-based Icelandic ketchup
Creamy mayonnaise-based remoulade sauce
Look for the newly painted small red shack out on the good county road tucked next to the record store.
Clinton's Best Around is open every day from 11a to 6p.
Another Patent
Local inventor Pete Queelee has been awarded his 19th patent.
This one is for The Queelee Motorized Step Ladder.
"You know how when you're painting a room, you spend a lot of time getting down, moving the ladder and then climbing back up?" Pete asked.
"Well I've invented the motorized step ladder so that you can just hit a forward or back arrow and move into position. Sure saves a lot of time and aggravation," he offered.
Production will be ramping up at The Queelee Company as soon as he can find suitable employees.
"I need two electricians, two in raw materials and two in assembly," said Pete who employs over 400 in his facility that churns out all of his other patented products.
In case you are not familiar with Pete and his successful products, his best seller is The Queelee Peeler, an electric apple peeler.
Pete also has one patent pending for The Queelee Wheeler, a 5-wheeled all terrain vehicle. No matter what direction you are going, you have three wheels at work and two disengaged.
"Exquisite"
There were alot of adjectives thrown about when the committee saw the submitted photograph at the recent Lily Growers of America conference.
Lucretia McAble was bestowed with the "Prettiest Surprise Lily of the Year" certificate that is suitable for framing.
"When I saw it, I just had to submit it for consideration," said Lucretia. "I've never won anything like this before."
As everyone who paid attention during horticulture class in high school knows, there are around 100 wild species of true lilies (Lilium) and thousands of hybrid cultivars.
Ms. McAble said sitting through the awards ceremony waiting for her name to be called was time consuming and she might send her niece next year.
"That's eight hours of my life I'll never get back."
Public Service Announcement
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe woke us up from a sound sleep last night around 8 o'clock. He wanted us to let everyone know in the listening area that petitioners will be knocking on the doors this weekend.
The petition that is being circulated is part of a nationwide effort to eliminate the unnecessary "Pleasantries, Greetings and Salutations" in today's communications environment.
Spokesperson Margo Aloqua says that they figured everyone would be home watching the US Open and should be able to get plenty of signatures.
"I just think that every "how are you?", "you doin' good?", and "we'll talk soon" can stop!," lamented Aloqua.
"Not to mention the unnecessary texts of some stupid emoji to punctualize every message, just drives me nuts!"
Trupe did confirm that the group has registered with his office and paid the solicitation fee of $10,000.
A Controversy?
The interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom are working overtime on a whisper heard at a local church Sunday morning.
What we are learning is that there is a petition being circulated in the county that would move the county seat to Fresno.
Our research indicates that the designation of where the county seat is located is up to the voters.
When the county boundaries were drawn and the seat determined, location was the consideration. A farmer should be able to milk his cows in the morning, travel to the county seat for business and be home in time for the late afternoon milking chores.
With today's transportation improvements, that consideration is moot.
What were still trying to find out is:
-Who started this?
-Why?
-How many signatures are needed?
-If the issue passes, where will people park?
-If the issue passes, can it be appealed?
-If the issue passes, what will be done with all the stationary already printed?
-And, how do the locals feel about this?
Watch this space as we have all hands on deck for this one. We even put a longer tape in the answering machine, please keep your messages under five minutes.
Funraiser Tonight
Put your red marking pencils down Margaret, we didn't misspell the headline.
Regular readers know that each year, because of a very generous donation from The Wilsonabarger Foundation there is a midsummer event just for fun. Hence the "funraiser" reference.
This year the fresnOnion's funraiser features the Savannah Bananas to play our own semi-professional baseball team The FunOnions.
In order to use that name, we had to let Frito Lay underwrite the team's expenses. And to put a sign on each end of the outfield fence. And to put a logo on the team's sleeve. And to have a commercial between innings on the jumbotron.
We weren't sure that we could better last year's Funraiser. The Single Mothers Drink a 6-pak Dizzy Bat Race really raised the fun level around town!
First pitch is at 7:05 down at The Sawmill Park Stadium. Since the tickets are free, the good seats fill quickly, arrive early.
The ladies of the church will be in the biergarten deck just down the first base line.
For more information on The Wilsonabarger Foundation go to: www.daygotscash.jack
Worthy, Pt. II
Well yesterday's story about the efforts to get the famous Betula Pumila on the National Register of Historic Places sure generated some interest.
What was supposed to be a "all hands on deck" cleaning /pizza party here in the fresnOnion newsroom, turned into a work session.
When we arrived, the phones were ringing, the tape in the answering machine was full and our email inbox was stuffed.
Most wanted to know how to get on that "national registration thing".
Petitions, hearings, town halls, phone calls, citizen "in Washington" meetings and "donations" usually get it done.
Others wanted to know about the watch parties.
Sun-up or sun-down in the field on the side of the hill, with a large mug and lawn chair usually is all that's needed.
The ladies of the church will pour Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne into your mug.
The newsroom still needs to be cleaned.
Worthy?
Much like observing "the swallows of Capistrano" or "the warblers of Oak Harbour (Ohio)" or viewing the "Hummingbirds of Sedona", tens of enthusiasts gather each evening or early morning to eye "the Buzzards of Fresno".
And the 200 year old Betula Pumila in which they perch has been documented and proposed for inclusion on the National Register of Historic Places.
"That tree has been here forever," said local resident Fuzzy Forgraves. "Them buzzards too."
Forgraves says his great grandfather talked about "them buzzards" when he was a little kid.
Preserving a Betula Pumila, or Swamp Birch as you probably call it, will take a monumental effort in Washington and a you-know-what ton of money.
"They have no idea how much Thompson's Water Seal this is gonna take," warned Fuzzy.
We here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion contacted the Department of the Interior for a comment.
We were patched through to Doug who said, " I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about such sensitive matters. I'll get back to you."
He hasn't.
Don't Call Me That
Sometimes in life you get one opportunity presented to you that will never come again. An opportunity that millions were never presented with.
While everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom was covering "the big game" marathon, we gave our most senior intern another assignment.
Earlier this month we reported that a Bougie Gourmet Ristorante was opening to rave reviews. We reported that the earliest reservation we could procure was in November.
However, BG Ristorante General Manager Howie Longsteed said that a secluded table for two was now a table for one.
Faith Hill and her husband Tim McGraw had reservations for last Thursday, but Tim wanted to go to "the big game".
Faith said it was fine to put someone at her table as she realized that reservations were a premium.
We assigned our intern, Marcus Dupree, to take advantage of the invitation and write about his dining experience.
We finally tracked Marcus down and asked about the story.
"Oh, dude, I didn't go. I looked at the menu online, they don't serve tacos, and I really wasn't into eating with an old lady," said Marcus.
When we explained to the twenty year old what an opportunity he blew, and who Faith Hill was, he rolled his eyes and said, "chill dude, it's not like we can't try again sometime....you got her number?"
Kat Lonsdorf of NPR reported on the history of "Dude"...................don't call me that.
A.B.S.
This season, Major League Baseball has implemented the Automated Ball Strike System (A.B.S.) challenge system.
If the pitcher, catcher or batter doesn't like the call, they have two seconds to tap the top of their head to appeal.
The minor leagues have been using this for seven years. Umpires sometimes get it wrong, but most are very good at their job.
We say most. Some are just awful. Can anyone say "Laz" ?
Well recently in the minor leagues, we won't say where or when to protect the innocent, but the umpire crew had a rookie behind the plate and a rookie at first base.
In the second inning, the umpire tapped the top of his head because he wasn't sure if he got the call right. He was wrong and reversed his own call resulting in a strikeout. That player's manager protested so vociferously, that he got tossed.
Then an inning later, on a close call at first, that rookie umpire, taking the lead from the home plate ump, tapped his head asking for a review. He was wrong resulting in a base hit. The other manager went berserk and was also tossed.
As Jim Morrison said, "...these are strange days..."
Summer TV
Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO has announced their Summer replacement television shows.
The much anticipated How I Met Your Step-mother headlines their Thursday night lineup.
Also, newly developed for the July-September primetime schedule:
The Real Mean Housewives of Sugarcreek
Fixer-upper Money-pits
Powerlifting for Ballerinas
Paintball Hollywood (Has-been) Squares
CSI: Shady Bend
Law & Order: SMC (Social Media Crimes)
Law & Order: Criminal Golf
Law & Order: Organized Closets.
Finally,FZNOhas announced that the weekends will be filled with a dozen 20 episode series from Taylor Sheridan's production companies.
The first series, LandHo, chronicles the early shipbuilding, deckhand recruitment, and sailing to new worlds.
The second series, Purplestone, depicts the first LGBTQ cattle ranch in the wild west.
And the third series that has finished production, 1975, explores the exciting times of the era with emphasis on the sex, drugs, and rock and roll all set in and around Bando's and The Tourraine Club.
Details on the rest of the series which are still in production will be announced at a later date.
Watch this space.
Editor's Note: It has been a long two weeks without the internet. We here in the fresnOnion office finally fixed the problem --- we changed providers. Welcome Back. 8/19/2026
Slide On By
Because yesterday was National Day of Rock and Roll, we featured a story about the locally manufactured guitar picks.
The Fresno Plectrum Manufacturing company is famous worldwide for their guitar picks.
But, a very quiet fact that our senior entertainment writer uncovered is that FPM also produces the guitar slide rings.
There is a SCIF (sensitive compartmented information facility) right smack dab in the middle of the massive barn that houses FPM.
There are three employees that enter the SCIF each day. We can't reveal their names, obviously, but the eldest (we'll call him Bub) goes back to being a childhood friend of Elmore James.
"Dad was finally putting in the downstairs bathroom for mom and I picked up a piece of copper tubing. I took it across the street to my friend Elmore James, and the rest is history."
But the story really gets interesting because Bub, while on a family trip to Jacksonville happened upon a young guitarist by the name of Duane Allman who was noodling about on his guitar with his brother Gregg.
"We talked for a bit, I rummaged around the garage and found a small aluminum tube and suggested he try that. We went to the record store and found an Elmore James 78 rpm record. And a lifelong friendship was started," said Bub.
Bub does not sell his ring slides to just anyone. One has to apply for consideration, audition their talents and then get invited for a return "fitting".
Bub has confirmed that his clientele list includes Bonnie Raitt, Robbie Kreiger, Warren Haynes, Ry Cooder, Mike Bloomfield, Lowell George and just a few years ago he took on a "youngster by the name of Derek Trucks. He's pretty good," says Bub.
And now you know why Blake Mills was in town over the weekend.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom find it interesting that guitar players always throw picks to the crowd, but you never see a slide thrown to the fans.
Decibels
Back on September 3, 1999 Kenny Wayne Shepherd opened for BB King at Polaris Amphitheater.
When BB took the stage he declared "that boy is loud !" referencing Kenny Wayne.
When some patrons walked out of a Smokin' Joe Kubik performance in Columbus, he asked "what, you don't like the blues?"
To which one of the patrons responded for all to hear: "loud don't make you good!"
We say all that to tell you that loud can get you international acclaim though.
Joseph McGrail-Bateup, registered a 122.4 decibel level, shattering the old mark by .7 dbs!
What Rod did not mention however, is that Clete Sweeney's 4th ex-wife, Leena, came in third place.
Now we know why Clete always had cotton in his ears from 2002- 2004.
Rod's story also explained when and how McGrail-Bateup became "competitively loud".
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom didn't know that was a thing.
The Open
The Open Championship commences in ten days at Royal Birkdale Golf Club.
And once again Pete and Clete (the portly one) Sweeney will be there working and reporting on the last major championship of the year.
And once again there will be a "fund-them fundraiser" tomorrow night in the big tent down at the Sawmill Park.
Big Greasy's BBQ will cater (bring your own towelettes), local Constable Rollie F. Trupe will be in charge of the ticket boards, and the ladies of the church will staff the biergarten.
These fundraisers are always well attended so carpool if you can. Overflow parking for ATVs, UTVs, golf carts and motorcycles is located across the street by the tracks.
Greasy says he'll start serving at 5.
Clete says he'll have the kegs tapped at 2.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom received word that Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney have finally arrived in Southampton.
Our local freelance sports reporters headed out last Sunday for the short drive over, but numerous minor breakdowns to their new VW camper van delayed their arrival.
"We've been working on this thing for five years and thought it was ready for a road trip," said Clete. "Guess we were wrong."
"We were in constant contact with Kevin (Hammer, USGA President) and told him we would let him know if we couldn't make it by the first tee time Thursday," said Pete.
The longtime volunteers have been assigned their duties for the US Open being played at Shinnecock Hills Golf Club on Long Island, NY.
Pete will again hold the shot tracer with Scottie Scheffler's group and Clete will again police the Scottie Scheffler parking spot.
Clete, referring to the Valhalla incident, says "never again, not on my watch."
Packed House
An overflow crowd was packed into The Sawmill Park Stadium last night as the Fresno FunOnions - pronounced: Funyuns, defeated the Savannah Bananas 22-4.
The game was an annual Funraiser event held locally and sponsored byThe Wilsonabarger Foundation.
With the win the FunOnions raise their record to 25-0 this season.
"Those guys really weren't much of a challenge," said Manager Spike Hargrover. "They just screwed around and tried to be funny. Game took forever."
The FunOnions are a true semi-professional baseball team. The players, all stars in their early playing days, hold down a day job and play in the evenings.
The roster is led by Steve Arlin, pitcher and Mercurio Baerga 2B. {Veternarian). Arlin is a greeter at the local Outback Steakhouse.
The rest of the starting nine are:
Einar Miller, Catcher {farmhand}
Johnny Horton, 1B {lifeguard}
Omar Kiaint, SS {tractor salesman}
Brooks Kapinski, 3B {liberal radio talk show host}
Manny Mota, VI, RF {truck stop cook}
Bernie Lofton, CF {landscaper}
Albert Belle, LF - he flies in for gameday {retired}
TommyFrank Walling, Sub/ BP catcher/ equipment manager/ scorebook/ticket sales/anthem singer/foul ball tracker/asst. groundskeeper {bank president}
The Fresno FunOnions are in action next on the road this Thursday as they travel to Wainwright to play Bonvecchios who are in last place.
August
This is Page 6 folks, do we really need to publish a disclaimer.....?
Another Fundraiser
It turns out, it was a scam.
The Board of Education for the Burger Rock One-Room Schoolhouse was duped by a slick talking confidence man.
"He said he represented the agent for LeBron James and that LeBron wanted to come coach our boys, especially the incoming freshmen," said B of E president Lem Barker.
"We cut two checks totaling over two million dollars from our NIL account and now we have to put on another fundraiser," Barker noted.
So this Friday at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall basketball court/dance floor, the Burger Rock Alumni will play the Waterloo Wonders.
The Grange Boys will serve pickled eggs, beer, and BBQ short ribs. The Grange ladies will have a jitney dessert stand where all samples will be $.50 each.
LeBron has decided to play for the Philadelphia 76'rs next season.
It's kinda like buying a mega millions lotto ticket - dreaming what could've been.
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has told us here in the fresnOnion newsroom that he "...can't comment on ongoing investigations..." even though he's the one spreading the story about town.
Finally
After years of inviting, recruiting, cajoling and nothing short of begging, we are finally getting a Bougie Gourmet Ristorante.
Every town that thinks they are hip has one.
And now we do. Have one. But, we've always been hip.
Instead of driving for 150 miles in any direction to celebrate that special evening, locals can now drive out to the intersection of the new bypass and the good county road.
The BG renovated the former Clemmy's Disco/Line Dancing Hall.
Our very own BG Ristorante is taking reservations. The earliest a table is available is in November.
Visit their website at: www.youllreallypay.snoot
Scandal
We've all heard the phrases, if not uttered them, when the temperature rises,
"It's too hot to fish." or
"It's too hot to golf." or
"It's too hot to canoodle."
But this one is a new one.
Thanks to Jez Fielder for uncovering the truth because just last month it seems that in some regions of the Alps, it was "...too hot to yodel."
Fielder's explosive expose, as reported by the Associated Press, that yodelers in Basel had to move to the city fountains "because of the heat".
The Switzerland Eidgenössisches Jodlerfest (yodel festival - in case you couldn't figure that one out) had nearly 12,000 performers battling 102 degree temps.
This revealing piece of journalism will undoubtedly win Jez some kind of award.
Our interns here at the fresnOnion were unable to verify rumors of any canoodling in the fountains.
Understanding
The northern chapter of The American Paincology Institute for Music Scholars has finally opened in Fresno, Ohio.
The Paincology Institute doesn't teach one how to play music rather researches and analyzes why the blues exist, how the lyrics are constructed, the historical development of the blues, and the blue's profound impact on human culture and society.
The Paincology Institute was founded in the deep southern city of Purvis, Mississippi by Dr. Lamar Weathers.
"We've been interested in the northern perspective on the blues for some time now and when the opportunity to open a chapter in Fresno was presented, we embraced it fully," said Dr. Weathers.
A quick look at their brochure says that lyrics such as:
"...you cried so loud, you gave the blues to the neighbors next door...." and
"...I've been down so very {darn} long that it looks like up to me..." and,
"....the thrill is gone away.." and
"....I been down since I began to crawl.
If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all...." are just the building blocks for a complete understanding of the blues.
The American Paincology Institute for Music Scholars admissions office will open at 8 a.m. this Monday.
The Paincology Institute is located in the top 4 floors of the Durbin Office Tower building just down the alley from the main road.
Another Freebie
Our story the other day about Snuffy wanting a little free publicity for his Texaco station has started something we don't know how to stop.
Malcolm Morton rang us up here in the fresnOnion newsroom and wanted a "shout out".
The old editor had to ask what a "shout out" was.
Malcolm said that he now has another rug for sale.
He'd been out of stock for 4 months because he had to spend the profit from his last rug sale on his membership out at the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.
But Morton's Rug is open for anyone that wants to see his rug when his truck is parked out front.
Malcolm stocks one rug at a time, says he doesn't want the inventory to get out of hand.
Morton's Rug is located out on the expressway right after the dangerous intersection.
editor's note: Malcolm is a distant relative to the Morton family that has had some success in the salt business.
Ideas? Thoughts?
The greater Pleasant Valley Community Improvement Bourbon Klatch is circulating a much needed survey.
Many questions arise during their weekly gathering and one of the most oft asked is "Why does Coshocton, a suburb of Pleasant Valley, grow and expand with all the retail?"
So with that very valid question the group has partnered with The Uptown Pleasant Valley Business Association to explore that phenomenon.
We here at the fresnOnion got ahold of the door to door survey and if you want to participate, expect to answer questions like:
-What holds Pleasant Valley back?
-What kind of retail do you want?
-Are you looking to work?
--Will the local workforce be enough to support growth or will we have to recruit from the islands?
-Do we have enough 'fine dining' establishments?
-Do we need more bars, bistros, and honky tonks?
-Are you willing to pay a small tax to fund success?
-Can you define "affordability"?
-Are you willing to attend multiple meetings on this subject?
-In your own words, what does a vibrant and successful 'Uptown business district' look like?
If we can get our hands on the final report generated by this survey we'll publish. Watch this space.
The next Bourbon Klatch will rotate out to Vivian McElthist's grand backyard patio tonight at 6. Taxi's will start to line up at 9. Tonight's topic: What do we do about people who leave their garbage cans out front all week long?
Scribbles......
.....notes and observations from The Socky Lovell League Championship game.
As was previously mentioned in our reporting of the "big game", we had all interns, staff and stringers (that we trust) assigned to cover the yearly event.
Of course we are talking about the league for those who are 80+ in years on this, the third rock from the sun.
Here's some of their coverage:
-never saw so many walks and strikeouts in my life!
-never saw a game where the fielders laid down their gloves in the field for the other team to use.
-never saw so many pretty nurses in the dugouts.
-never saw so many oxygen tanks, IV drips or blood pressure sleeves in a dugout.
-the three day, twice suspended game featured 3 different umpiring crews.
-Bennie Wyler was named MVP. He had zero strikeouts, 1 hit, 1 HBP, 1 sac bunt, 1 sac pop up, 1 sac fly, and 22 walks.
-the ladies of the church reported that they netted $8,008.70 over the three days.
-The merchandise tent reported that they sold out of all the Wyler game jerseys.
-local constable Rollie F. Trupe reported only one arrest on 'general principles', one fender bender in the parking lot, one fan escorted out (Bennie's wife had too much beer and was heckling her husband), one ticket scalping arrest. Trupe also reported that all the beer kegs were stolen, but the scrapyard called him and charges are pending against that criminal ring.
All in all, we here at the fresnOnion are excited that we can now turn our attention to The Presidents Cup, the end of the MLB season, The Ohio State Football games and The NFL.
Excluded
The very popular website Veranda.com has compiled a list of the top 13 golf courses that most will never get to play.
The story was written by the probably celebrated and decorated writer, Kelsey Mulvey.
Our local, very exclusive Lake Lila Golf and Country Club did not make that list.
While it is difficult to obtain an invitation to play as a guest and membership is limited, there are three "member-3 guest events throughout the year.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom urge you to make friends with a member because you'll not find finer conditions anywhere.
We suspect that the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club was #14 on the list and it got cut by a non golfing editor.
Excluded, Pt. III
Today's story is more of a plea than anything else.
On behalf of the entire staff, including interns, office support personnel, and even the cleaning lady, please STOP telling us about being denied membership in the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club!
Our phones are blowing up, the tape has run out on the answering machine and we can't even shop at the Pic-N-Pay without being forced to hear your weary story.
A sample:
"I was in, then they met my wife..."
"I thought we were playing friendly golf and picked up a putt that was on the lip, the member reported my infraction to the committee...."
"I was told that the golf shoes with metal spikes and flaps over the laces that I wore on the putting green got me excluded even before I played. I was on their property for 15 minutes..."
"I was kept out because I didn't see the NO Cell Phones, IPADS, Range Finders, or GPS Allowed!! sign..."
"I was told that 'Lake Lila Golf and Country Club would never have a member that wore a stroke counter on his wrist'..."
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom figure that by the volume of communiques we've had on the subject, memberships could triple if they'd only lighten up a bit.
Problem Solved
In a kind of King Solomon sort of way, West Lafayette (one of the nicer suburbs of Fresno) has ceremoniously split their village into quadrants.
In an effort to appease the villagers, the council has decided to create four zones for the purpose of documenting how much each zone generates in tax revenue and how much of that is spent "in zone".
"This is all an effort to show equality and impartiality when it comes to providing for the citizens," said one anonymous civic leader.
So now residents will have to include the quadrant they live in as a description of their address.
Along with the house number and street name, their address will include:
Northeast, West Lafayette, Ohio or
Northwest, West Lafayette, Ohio or
Southeast, West Lafayette, Ohio or
Southwest, West Lafayette, Ohio.
Kirk Street and Union Street will be the lines of demarcation.
"And to think this all got started because someone complained about a certain neighborhood's alleys being nicer," said one elderly resident.
A.A.
The Ohio Chapter of the Abductees Anonymous will hold their monthly meeting at the Village Centre Civic Hall in Fresno this Wednesday.
The topic for discussion will be: Are they really green, or is that the only color of lightbulb they have?
Also on the agenda is this year's Abduction Gala.
Wyatt Cenac has agreed to attend as the honoured guest for his 20 episode documentary, People of Earth.
Anyone who has been taken up or suspects that they've been in their "probe room" is invited to attend.
There will be no sign in sheet or name tags. Masks are optional.
Social hour starts at 7 and the meeting will be called to order by someone at 8.
The ladies of the church will serve drinks.
It's Now An Asset
And you thought Jimmy Durante had a big nose.
Everyone in this area knows Morty Magnificant.
Morty has an award winning schnoz.
Well we just got word from Morty's mom that he has finally found work.
Morty, and his bigger than life proboscis, has been employed by Brazos Laboratories down in Houston as an Odor Judge. He smells items like breath mints, diapers, or pet food in a lab to test how well odor-blocking products work.
He'll use his nose on the job for 75% of his work. The other quarter of his time he will move across the hall and serve as the lab's Pet Food Tester. He will taste new pet foods to check flavors and quality standards. His mom said he will usually spit it out afterward.
Mrs. Magnificant said that Morty bought her a new Cadillac with his bonus check.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have also learned that Morty has got his sister Mary a job interview at Brazos Labs.
We're waiting to find out if her big ears are helpful in landing employment.
Plan Now
Herb Tarsnik down at Fresno Meats and Such wanted us to tell you (free of charge of course) about his pre-4th sale.
Tarsnik says that every year people wait until the 3rd to shop for their 4th of July cookouts. And every year he has to work late.
So this year Herb says that he'll be closed on the third to play in the Burton Cup at Lake Lila Golf and Country Club, so "please shop early".
His pre-4th sale includes all steaks, $15 per pound, regardless of cut.
All pork, $15 per pound, regardless of cut.
All burgers, $15 per pound, regardless
And this year, thanks to an outstanding harvest, Tarsnik has pulled possum (the other white meat) in 5 lb. containers for $15.
You'll find Fresno Meats and Such 2 miles down Creepy Hollow Lane just past Mindy's Honey and Mead croft.
Take An Appetite
For those readers who, like us here in the fresnOnion newsroom, really, really, really appreciate a good meal, today is almost a national holiday.
Today is National Lasagna Day. Our celebrated friend Amy Monet over at The National Day Calendar encourages us "... to enjoy at least one version of the delicious layers of noodles, sauces, cheeses, and whatever else your heart desires...".
And we will. Enjoy lasagna. At Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.
Salvatore says that his buffet today will feature nothing but lasagna, garlic bread, and breath mints.
New this year: Lasagna alla Bolognese. You will also find a vegetarian lasagna, a seafood lasagna, Lasagna Napoletana, Vincisgrassi, of course a Low-Carb/Gluten-Free and Sal's American Style lasagna.
Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium is open now til he closes.
Sal also says "sorry but no salad this year....we all know why..."
Pick 'em, if You Got Em
Thanks to our very best friend, Amy Monette over at the National Day Calendar website, we are reminded that today is National Day of Rock and Roll.
While you contemplate on just how you are going to celebrate this holiday, we'll remind you of the local importance of Rock and Roll.
Fresno Plectrum Manufacturing, FPM, is a quiet, local, family owned company that has been producing guitar picks since 1920.
FPM has over 100 employees that are highly skilled in the craft of creating guitar picks. Each employee has been educated on the specific raw material with which they create the pick.
Some picks are produced by injection mold, some are created on a cnc milling machine. Some are hand carved. And some are stamped out using a press that has been set from the in-house tool and die shop.
Picks are created by using nylon, celluloid, wood, acrylic, various alloys, real tortoiseshell, glass and new in 1965, from Yellowstone steer horns.
Each thumb pick is custom fit.
The Fresno Plectrum Manufacturing retail shop is open Tuesday - Saturday from 10a to 4p by appointment only.
You'll find FPM in the massive barn on the Harvestrum Estate. It's on the northside of the National Lane Bypass regardless if you're coming from the east or the west.
editor's note: because of space restrictions we'll feature the guitar slide ring story tomorrow.
What It Is, Is Baseball....
From T-ball to The Roy Hobbs League, there is organized baseball nationwide for all ages.
What many don't know outside of our region is that there is also a league for those over 80 years of age.
It's known as The Socky Lovell League. Lovell was a local legend on the diamond and in 1975 the league was born out of a discussion at the nursing home.
Meetings were held and teams were formed. The Eastern Division has teams in Peoli, Gilmore, Otsego, and Wolf. The Western Division teams are in Fresno, Chili, Pearl and Tyndall.
The home office, of course, is in Fresno.
The modified rules are:
*each game is 4 innings.
*each team has a pitcher, catcher, 2 infielders and 2 outfielders.
*A strike is if the catcher can catch it.
*2 strikes is a strikeout.
*A walk is 6 balls.
*all games are played at little league dimensions.
*all games are played at 1pm.
*flannel uniforms and hats are banned
*performance enhancing drugs are permitted.
*the only women allowed in the dugouts are nurses, and they must be in uniform and in their twenties.
Today's Championship game will be played at the Sawmill Park Stadium between Pearl and Tyndall.
The ladies of the church will serve the beer, hot dogs and Cracker Jacks.
The FresnOnion wants you to know that all available reporters, interns and independent stringers have been assigned to cover the game. Results, box scores and reactions should be in tomorrow's publication, if the game is over by then. Last year's championship game lasted 28 hours.
Fresno, Ohio
the hippest village east of Marfa, Texas
A New Sport
Local sports activist, Fritz Peterson, invented a new game last fall and already it is showing exponential growth in acceptance and popularity.
"I just got to thinkin' about how people like to hit things and keep score," said Fritz.
"With baseball and golf it's 'see the ball, hit the ball', hockey slaps pucks, same with tennis and racquetball. And I love ping pong. So I invented Picklemitten."
Picklemitten is played on a large version of a ping pong table. The court is a twelve inch raised playing surface with a chest high net. The net is adjusted according to the average height of the players.
Picklemitten can be played one-on-one, or two-person teams.
The racquets are similar to tennis racquets only half the size and made from locally sourced hickory or recycled aluminum cans.
The shuttlecocks are twice the size of those used for badmitten and feature locally sourced wren feathers.
For more information on leagues, rules, equipment and proper apparel, stop into Peterson's Picklemitten Shoppe or visit his website: www.picklemitten.com
Squad Run, Again
Spotcheck Billy just happened to be running by Juanita's last evening when he heard her call him to "get the squad."
When the emergency squad got to Juanita's place, they radio'd the dispatcher to tell them that it was "a fat man in the bathtub" once again.
Seems that ever since Juanita took a lover two years ago, he gets a bit stuck in her tub.
When the dispatcher asked the squad if they needed extra help, the paramedic replied, "Nope, once we saw the address we brought the portable trapeze winch."
Those EMS guys are pretty smart.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom think that there should be a charge for this service......and a bonus paycheck for the EMS guys.
We're told it's not a pretty sight.
Found! Finally...
How can a giraffe go unnoticed for two weeks out in public?
That is just one of many questions surrounding the escape of "Gracie" the giraffe that wandered off her owner's property down in Texas.
One of our all-time favorite, and probably Hall of Fame reporters, John Hanna (who still lives in Topeka for some odd reason), says that she was on the lam and enjoying the open range.
He reports that it took some planning and some help from the veterinarians to get her home, but one of our interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom has a little more to that story.
It seems that the "mild sedation" dart that they shot into Gracie's neck only sedated her neck.
We are told that there is footage of Gracie walking around with a limp and flopping neck for about fifteen minutes.
"Her head was dragging between her legs as she stumbled about," said one witness who requested anonymity, so we won't tell you that it was Bob Tyler.
Our intern did see the video on Bob's phone and admits that it is pretty funny.
The anonymous witness, Bob, is in negotiations with our local cable channel, FZNO, for that footage.
Our intern also noted that Gracie did not suffer a concussion, even though her head hit the ground a half a dozen times.
Band Camp
Well it seems that the upstart Todd Rundgren Band Camp is quite the success.
While at a U.S. Open watch party Saturday afternoon many of us here at the fresnOnion overheard quite a few parents lauding the summer activity.
"My child has never slept sounder and longer than this past week," was a common, satisfying acknowledgement.
The Todd Rundgren Band Camp summer long theme is "Bang On The Drum All Day". And that is what they do.
The exquisitley organized day begins with all campers starting with the Marching Drums: Marching Snare, Multi-toms and the Marching Bass Drum.
The next session. the HandDrums : Djembe, Congas, Bongos, and Cajón.
After a quick lunch break the students move on to the Orchestral Drums: the Tympani and the Concert Bass Drum.
The eight hour day winds up with each child getting a 15 minute Virtual Reality lesson on the drum kit that is set up in the concert hall.
Each lesson that has been created by Artificial Intelligence, is from Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa, Jack DeJonnette, John Bonham, Keith Moon, Ginger Baker, Clyde Stubblefield, Louis Bellson or Mel Lewis.
A recital has been scheduled for the day before school begins.
For more information or to get your child on a waiting list for next summer go to:www.dontwannawork.com
B. of E. Tonight
The local Board of Education will hold their one and only summer meeting tonight, (it's an off night for baseball as the All-Star game is tomorrow).
There are only two items on the agenda: A discussion of necessary skills that should be included in the Home Economic classes, and what should students type when learning the keyboard.
Up for discussion will be these items.
Should Home Ec. students learn:
-how to darn socks?
-how to make pie crusts from scratch?
-what's the difference between bake, broil and boil?
-is knitting, quilting, spinning and weaving really necessary?
-what to do if the microwave breaks?
-can you ever have too many aprons?
-what is a budget?
And then the students have circulated a petition to end the typing class requirement that they should be able to type, error free, the sentence:
Even in the quietest moments, you can hear dad breathe through his mouth.
"You never use your little finger on the right hand!" declared one student.
The meeting will be called to order at 6 and everyone should be home before Home Run Derby starts.
The ladies of the church will serve cocktails for those who want to stick around.
The Day After
Almost everyone knows what transpired on July 4, 1776.
But hardly anyone knows about July 5, 1776.
Our most senior historical research writer here at the fresnOnion has finally published his work looking into the afterparty.
"I poured over the two pages of the July 6th edition of the now defunct Philadelphia Picayune," he said.
"And watched hours of TMZ footage from that 24 hour period."
After the handshakes and promises to "stay in touch" or "I'll have my people get with your people" or "I'm sure the wives will chat" or "come see us sometime" invites, there was some mischief.
What our writer learned was that not only was there a boisterous party, with ale, there was a card game at Independence Hall, 520 Chestnut Street.
At that card game, Elbridge Gerry won many hands. He won land off of William Whipple and four shirts off of George Clymer. Clymer lived two blocks away and went home after each loss to get another shirt. (editor's note: we were unable to corroborate the claim that this is where the phrase "lost the shirt off my back" originated.)
Gerry also extracted the promise that he would be VP someday. The only paper trail of this was a mention in his diary
Our researcher also learned that George Walton, from Savannah, was arrested for OHUI (operating a horse under the influence).
Other findings that you will read about in the upcoming best-seller:
-Ceasar Rodney's wife came early to drag him home.
-John Hancock, Ben Franklin, Sam Adams and Robert Morris played golf that morning.
-Carter Braxton and his wife Judith, dined quietly at the local Chestnut Street Eat Here Diner.
Look for the book, with forward disclaimer by Jon Meacham, wherever ale is sold.
Kristen!
Some days everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom are hustling on a story. And some days here in the fresnOnion newsroom it's so slow we make lists.
Kristen Bell is on our list of favorite actresses.
And when one of our aggressive interns saw a story by the probably highly lauded Terri Peters on the EatingWell website about Kristen's favorite "high protein snack that she shares with all of her friends", he wanted more.
So he called her. Kristen. Not Terri. Terri is far too busy.
Said "hey girlfriend, what's your favorite toothpaste?" It was Colgate.
An hour later he had found out her favorite baking soda was Arm and Hammer; her favorite TV show is Green Acres; her favorite handbag is a Jane Birkin Original 1984 Hermès Birkin Bag; her favorite camisole is the Saint Laurent Women's Lace Camisole; and her favorite movie is Idiocracy.
They even chatted about intimacy, but we won't report that.
Isn't it interesting when you start a conversation with: "hey girlfriend"?
Colossal Mix-up
As you know, The Open started this morning atRoyal Birkdale Golf Club in Southport, Merseyside in Northwest England.
And as you know, the fresnOnion dispatches Pete and Clete Sweeney to all of the major sporting events. Their unique take on sport is widely appreciated by our readers.
And as you know, they have been radio silent since arriving in the U.K. last Sunday.
Well now we can report that after hundreds of phone calls and appeals from not only the golf industry, us here in Fresno, but diplomatic types, they have been released from their "holding room".
Pete, speaking on behalf of his brother, says that there was a "misunderstanding" on a note made in their passport files.
"During check-in at the Coshocton Airport, an employee noted that Clete, who admittedly has put on some weight, needed one of the extra wide seats in first class," said Pete. "in the space for explaining the reasoning, the clerk just put + Rump -meaning he has a plus sized behind. The customs official in England read that as "tRump" and that set off all bells, whistles and alarms to the Brits."
The Sweeneys are now at the course and in their volunteer positions. We hope to have a report on golf later today for tomorrow's publication.