"Uncle" Kicked
There was quite the activity last evening out at Uncle Bumiller's place.
One of our interns here at the fresnOnion was driving by Uncle's place on her way to the Burger Chef, and noticed that every blue, red and amber light in the county was flashing.
So the upstart journalist thought, "this could be news," and stopped.
Seems that Bumiller's mule kicked him in the head. Mrs. Bumiller found him wandering around in the side yard.
"He was about half out of it, muttering something about the Browns and Haslam and Berry...I don't know what all," she told authorities.
After the medics took him for observation, the neighbors started reminiscing about how Uncle got his nickname.
Cletus Bumiller grew up on a farm. He was taller than all the 9 year olds and much stronger from throwing around bales of hale and bags of sorghum.
Cletus would sneak up behind the smaller boys in his class and bend their arms behind their backs until they said "uncle".
By the age of 13 it was obvious that Cletus had finished growing and the other boys caught up and surpassed him in height and strength.
They returned the favor of making him say "uncle" until he just started blurting "uncle,uncle,uncle" when he saw them coming.
Thus Cletus became known as "Uncle" Bumiller.
And that's the rest of that story.
Because of HIPPA laws we can't give you an update on his condition this morning.
Today In History
November 14th. One of the most important dates in the history of The United States of America.
Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom - interns, research analysts, custodians, dieticians, therapists, everyone - treat this day with the utmost reverence.
It was on November 14th, 1888 that the first golf club was formed: The St. Andrews Golf Club in Yonkers, NY.
What started as a 3 holer, expanded to 6 holes and is America's oldest existing golf club. The St. Andrews Club expanded to 18 holes when they moved to their current location.
Local stand-outs on the links, Pete and Clete Sweeney have applied for memberships, but denied every time.
"I blame Clete's behaviour at the member-guest tournament," said Pete.
"I blame Pete for driving the cart into the creek at the par three 16th," countered Clete.
The oldest golf club in Ohio is either the Cincinnati Country Club or the Cleveland Golf Club. You debate.
The fresnOnion annual employee scramble is today at The Zoar Golf Club. Paninis and beer at The Lockport Brewery afterwards.
Our offices will reopen tomorrow at 4:30 am.
Lecture Tonight
The small town, rotating, MAKING LIFE BETTER lecture series moves to Ragersville tonight.
Regionally acclaimed writer, producer, and, podcaster and tv commentator Ruthie Jean Zachek will share some insights from her new best-seller: Proper Social Cynicism, a Guide to Acceptable Debate Tactics During These Polarized Times.
A recent online literary critic noted that this book helps when the topic of gambling in sports starts to dominate the room.
Ms. Zachek promises to share just enough to make you want to purchase her book immediately.
She did say that there will be an autograph and selfie period after her lecture. And that she will discount the price of $89.99 by 5% if you bring a can of dog food for the local pound.
The doors at the Ragersville community room in the old cheese house will open at 6 with the lecture starting at 7. (we know the OSU game is at 7:30).
The ladies of the church will serve Gertrude Steinmetz' popular 'twisted tea recipe'.
editor's note: we, here in the fresnOnion newsroom, have received more than a few inquiries about 'the ladies of the church'. And yes they are always looking for new members, yes they do sample their servings, and yes it is a for-profit enterprise.
Tricky
The day was the 17th of November.
The year was 1973.
The quote was, "I am not a crook."
It was on this day in history that President Richard Milhous Nixon told 400 Associated Press editors that he wasn't a crook and he'd earned everything he has.
The day was the 17th of November.
The year was 1974 - one year later.
Ms. Moyer's fifth grade ethics class at Fresno Elementary observed the day with a "I'm Not A Crook" commemoration.
The students wore Nixon masks, gave the two-finger "victory" or "peace" sign and wrote essays.
The essays finished the sentence, "I am not a crook, but if I were....."
The top three essays were read at the end of the day to the entire school in a special assembly.
And Ms. Moyer's class has done so every year since.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are keen to attend today's assembly and will report tomorrow on the three winners.
Year End Report
The local White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office has released their end of year report.
"Our reporting year runs from November 1 thru October 31st," says Office secretary Ima Goodlin.
"And we find it amusing that at the same time our report comes out that World Atlas reports the top 5 waterways that have alligators," noted Goodlin.
Florida, Texas, Georgia, Alabama and Louisiana made the top of the list.
"We are very happy to report to the public that the Mighty White Eyes Creek and all of her tributaries are 'alligator free'" said a beaming Ima.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud the efforts of everyone on the staff at The White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office for their diligent work each year.
And we are glad that their 54.9 mil renewal levy passed on Tuesday.
Fair Warning: The News below should not be referenced in your senior class essay
Fresno, Ohio
the hippest village east of Marfa, Texas
It's Catching On
A housing boom is taking place out in the far regions of our neighborhood.
Canned Heat sang about "goin' up country".
Three Dog Night sang about being "out in the country".
Even John Denver shared about how thankful he was to be a "country boy".
Well, out in the country, where there are not as many building codes, Ray and Rita Hayworthy are on to something.
"We are building affordable housing," said Ray.
"These homes might not have all of the luxuries, but you can afford the bank loans," noted Rita.
The Hayworthys were inspired by the very popular and famous Jack Preston Wood,
"We saw one of their tall skinny homes and thought that might work with our idea," Ray offered.
A Hayworthy Home is 3 stories high. There is no electricity, no running water, the heat comes from a huge wood burner in the middle of the first floor with open grates in the middle of the second and third floor.
A Hayworthy Home is not painted, has a metal roof, and one window facing south on the second and third floor.
A Hayworthy Home features an outhouse, a water pump and no landscaping.
A Hayworthy Home layout has the garage, wood burner, storage, and bathtub on the ground floor.
The second floor is for living and dining, with one bedroom.
The third floor is open and can be divided into bedrooms as needed.
The first Hayworthy Home sold the day the 'for sale' sign was posted.
There are contracts signed for another 90 to be built before June.
For more information on the affordable Hayworthy Home you can stop out and see Rita, or go to www.littlecheaphouses.frugl
A Major Award
The Automotive History Preservation Society recently bestowed their most prestigious award on a local car dealer.
Otto Graysom was on hand in Red Bud, Illinois for The AHPS annual, informal, non-mandatory attendance Fall Mixer.
The group gathered at the world famous Ratzkeller, a popular sports bar and grill.
Graysom was given the Society's Lifetime Achievement Award. The 89 year old still goes to his lot every day where he has 3 remaining Pontiacs.
He washes these, now collectables, every other day and waxes once a week.
Otto has a 1950 Pontiac Chieftain, a 1955 Pontiac Star Chief Station Wagon, and a 1952 Pontiac Catalina.
Although he's had offers, during his acceptance speech, Graysom said, "Folks just don't want to pay today's prices."
Otto's Autos is located north on the good county road, just past the Blockbuster/laundromat/Keno building.
Smart
We've all heard of the 'smart phone', the 'smart watch', the 'smart car', why Samsung even has a 'smart refrigerator'.
But the dietetic, engineering, and computer grad students at Strasburg State University have taken that 'smart refrigerator' to another level.
They have created an algorithm that takes into account one's eating habits, and creates each day's dinner.
When you get home in the afternoon, just open the door and there will be a tray of selected foods for you to prepare. No longer will you have to stand at the fridge looking for something to cook.
After each meal, simply input your feedback: keep it in rotation, how often, and suggested variables.
There is also a liquid dispenser of beer, wine or water. It is your responsibility to change the pony keg and the box of vino, the water is plumbed directly though.
A demonstration video, list of vendors, and testimonials can be found atwww.youarealazylout.snooze.
A New Menu
The Fabulous Circular Restaurant located on 'top of the rock' is promoting their new menu.
The Top of the Rock rotating restaurant is perched on top of Standing Rock in Pearl, Ohio.
Head Chef Chevaulier Battenbern says he's changing things up a bit.
"I brought my entire sous chef team with me six months ago, but the locals requested a few additions," said Battenbern.
Now every Wednesday will be Hot Dog Night.
"We'll have jumbo all-beef dogs with assorted scratch-made sauces, including coney, sauerkraut or chopped onion in a vinegar/ketchup sauce," noted the chef. "My team will boil, broil, grill, pan fry or deep fry your dogs."
Every Saturday will be Seafood Night.
"We've contracted with Treetop Crop Dusting and Special Delivery Aviators to fly in fresh fish, clams, shrimp and oysters from a supplier out of Morey's Pier on Wildwood Island in New Jersey," promised Chevaulier.
Reservations are required.
The silent owner of Top of the Rock would like to remind everyone that his restaurant is not ADA compliant as it is a "walk up." He did promise delivery to your car for take away orders.
Biz News
Local entrepreneurs Beany DiMaggio and Harlan Nagelstein have announced their newest venture: 2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services.
"We've been seeing this need for a while now as we see our friends moving with a little Chevy S10," said Beany.
"So we've formed this company to assist those who are moving within a ten mile radius of Fresno," noted Harlan.
"I got the idea after seeing a truck with 2 Guys and a Truck painted on the side and thought now there's an idea," offered Beany.
"We'll do all the lifting if you have everything packed, but not on rainy days." concluded Harlan.
2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services are on the world wide web at: www.tryintomakesome.cash